The News According to Sami: Spoiler Edition

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Nothing gets past Sami. She too keeps up with what's going to happen in Salem. Here are excerpts from an interview with a reporter from the Salem Intruder.

The jailing of Victor: What great news. Thanks Daddy. It's about time that nasty old master of snark saw the inside of a jail cell. He once kidnapped my handsome smoochy-moochy's dear old daddy. :angry:The only smart thing that babyswitching tramp, Nicole Walker, ever did was try to poison him.

Clyde pointing a gun at Kate: Who's Clyde? Whatever. Anyone who points a gun at the horrid hag, Kate, has my support.

The escape of Xander: Why didn't somebody tell me about him being in jail? Don't people think that I want to know if one of my children gets arrested?

Kayla's medical crisis: John Black has to have something to do with this. He not only ruined my life, he's a threat to everyone in Salem.

The return of Tater Tot: Who cares? The only kidnapping that mattered was when my darling Sydney was snatched by that awful Anna and then by the evil babyswitcher. Thank God that my darling smoochy-moochy was there to support me. He did support me, didn't he?

Deimos and Chloe and Nicole: This Deimos certainly does have a taste for tramps, doesn't he?

The apparent death of Abigail: I'm a kind, caring, sensitive person so I don't want to speak ill of the dead, but after all isn't this a proper punishment for luring my changed smoochy-moochy into an unspeakably vile relationship?
 
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DrBakerFan said:
The escape of Xander: Why didn't somebody tell me about him being in jail? Don't people think that I want to know if one of my children gets arrested?
Click to expand...
Reply from Titan reporter: Xander Cook Kiriakis isn't one of your children, Ms. Brady.

Reply from Sami: Of course he is! He's my son with Franco Kelly, right?? Cook-Kiriakis is just the Americanized version of Kelly.

Reply from Titan reporter: Wow......
 
Salem Intruder Reporter via TV interview:

After finally being able to arrange an interview with Samantha Brady Horton Hernandez DiMera, who is currently refusing all interviews, I am sadly reporting that Ms. DiMera is apparently suffering from early onset Alzheimer's....or perhaps Dementia.

Besides being unable to remember the names of her children, or their ages, or even how many she has, when informed of the escape of Xander Cook, she claimed him as her son despite the fact she would have had to given birth to him before age 6.

In addition she fails to remember the details of her daughter Sydney's kidnapping, or her husband's affair with his eventual sister-in-law. She blames her step-father, who raised her, for the health crisis of her aunt, not even asking what that crisis entails.

Some insiders feel that Ms. DiMera suffered a breakdown after the death of her husband, which she seems unable to acknowledge, constantly referring to him as her "smoochy-moochy" & bragging at how he has changed.

One wonders how she would react if ex-husband, Lucas Horton, filed for full custody of his daughter Allie, twin of Johnny DiMera, while Andre or Chad did the same for Johnny & Sydney DiMera. But then, she has not mentioned their names in ages, perhaps doesn't remember them, since she has so many other children.

By the way, Ms. Sami wonders who is Clyde, but not Orpheus? Ah, and she had been on such good terms with Kate Roberts when Sami left town.
 
An irate Sami has called a press conference to rebut the outrageous claims made by the Intruder and to announce that she's canceling her subscription to Salem's favorite tabloid rag.

Me have Alzheimer's or dementia? Is this loser kidding. I've never been saner. In fact, I'm truly radiant! If anyone in Salem has dementia it's the coma-plagued, amnesia-ridden, life ruiner John Black! Want proof! He actually thinks that he can be a private eye!

Xander Cook? He is so one of my children. Any documents indicating otherwise are fake, fake, fake!

The Sydnapping? I remember its details like they happened yesterday. Awful Anna and babyswitching Nicole passed her around like a football until my darling changed smoochy-moochy rode to the rescue and saved her! Every night, the little sweetie says, "Mommy, tell me again about how Daddy rescued me when I was a baby."

Mental breakdown? Me? Only a doodyhead would utter such nonsense. If my darling EJ wasn't alive I would know it. And he is so my smoochy-moochy and he did so CHANGE!!! Anyone who says otherwise is a total doodyhead like John Black! By the way, he ruined my life! That's a fact!

Lucas, Chad, and Andre (barf) filing for custody of my children? What a joke! No court would give any of these losers custody if the choice was between them and ME, Salem's best mother! Did you know that people write to me everyday to ask for mothering advice?

Orpheus? Wait, he's some lunatic from back in 1990s, which was the last time John Black's brain even sort of worked. Anyway, who cares? It's ancient history. As for Clyde was he the guy who left town after consorting with that horrid hag, Kate? Wherever he is now, he must have a really bad case of cooties!
 
Sami has just been given an update on doings in Salem and can't help passing along her two cents.

Philip dumped by Belle: Even "biggest losers" get lucky some time. This shaggy sad sack is luckier than he knows that he's rid of my stoopid sister. I HATE her!

Belle helps Chad: If Belle is Chad's only support, he's doomed. If only my darling, changed smoochy-moochy was in Salem to provide wise counsel to his poor confused little brother. Then Chad would be "truly radiant."

Aiden Jennings becomes D.A.: Who's Aiden Jennings? Was he the father of one or two of my children? Anyway, he's sure to stink at being a D.A. The only person who was a good district attorney was my handsome EJ. He was D.A. wasn't he? Or was it mayor?

Belle agrees to let Claire put off college for a year: I'm torn on this one. I never needed no stoopid college educayshun, but on the other hand doodyhead Belle is always wrong about everything.

Ghost Jack visiting Jenny: Why? Didn't that poor man have enough of that awful screecher while he was alive? I hate screechy women, don't you?
 
Abigail "supposedly" dying in a plane crash: Serves that cupcake baking tramp right for sleeping with my darling changed smoochy-moochy.

Paul asks Sonny out to lunch: Sonny's going to lunch with that home-wrecking has-been and son of that life ruiner John Black?! TRAITOR!

Jennifer goes to a seedy motel and drinks and pops pills: And the High and Mighty Hortons think Lucas is the black sheep of the family?
 
Finding out Chloe is pregnant: "Well, come on, it's no surprise a tramp like Chloe would claim one man as the father while another one says it's his! That man Deimos is much older I hear, did he leave her a paycheck on the night of conception?"
 
Sami does't miss a thing and has now knows what's coming in Salem.

The arrival of Clyde, Orpheus, and Xander: This bunch never would have dared to come to Salem if my smoochy-moochy and his dear old daddy were around. But never fear, Salem. My brilliant daddy and his fearless police force will soon make short work of these creeps.

Brady-Theresa wedding disaster: Isn't it a shame that all weddings can't be as perfect as my weddings to my handsome, changed EJ.

Kayla's operation: Isn't it sad that some people in Salem aren't as healthy and sturdy as me, my smoochy-moochy, and my dozen children. They're always needing operations. Go figure.

Clyde torments Kate: :rotfl::rotfl:What goes around comes around. That horrid hag has been messing with people for years -- especially me -- now she's getting what she deserves. :clap:
 
Can you imagine that horrible Nicole taking up with nasty Deimos? He cannot begin to compare with my wonderful smoochy moochy, as she well knows.

What a laugh, Dr. Laura got to go over the medical records of her granddaughter without permission from husband! And, without ever seeing her in the midst of her problems, has decided that Abby was misdiagnosed. What do you expect with the mother of a loser like Jennifer. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Poor Uncle Steve. He can't win with Aunt Kayla, no matter what he says and does. Too bad they can't just go on, as me and my fabulous smoochyness did so well.

Going to give extra hugs tonite to Marcia, Jan, Greg, Cindy, Peter & Bobby, kids can never get too many hugs. (just a hint since I am such a perfect mother.)
 
As usual, Sami is on top of Salem doings from afar.

Chloe's test: OMG, that doodyheaded tramp thought she could keep a pregnancy secret from the daddy. What I loser. I'd never do such a thing.

Chaos over the demands of the unholy trio: The demands probably involve some stoopid revenge thing. What doodyheads. Seeking revenge is something else that I'd never ever do.

John gets a phone call about somebody he loves: When will people learn not to get involved with that life-ruiner? He's very bad news. I should know -- he ruined my life.

Marlena does a psych test on Clyde: If only my Mother had done a test on doodyhead John Black. If she had, she'd never have climbed onto that tabletop and my life wouldn't have been ruined.

Shots ring out in Salem: Would it be mean of me to hope that they hit doodyhead John or that horrid hag, Kate? Nah, I don't think so.
 
Sami has been torn this week. She wants life-ruining John to suffer, but also wants Roman to be a hero by catching the bad guys. And as usual, she can't keep her mouth shut.

John makes a huge sacrifice [What sacrifice did this doodyhead make?? Did he pass up the opportunity to climb onto a tabletop with some unfortunate woman?]

JJ finds himself in the line of fire. [It's good to hear that at least one of Daddy's cops is doing his job instead of wandering aimlessly around the Town Square with his eyes wide shut or munching on donuts.]

Theresa makes a shocking confession to Brady. [What could this trollop possibly confess that isn't shocking? Her only virtues are that she's not as bad as Kate the Hag and Abigail the Tramp, and that she once clobbered John on his doodyhead with a poker :rotfl:.]

Anne bonds with Lucas. [Way to go Ms. Milbauer. Save my Lucas (yes, he's still my Lucas) from that awful Adrienne, a woman who once said that my wonderful son Will -- or was it Johnny or the Beaver? -- wasn't good enough for her foolish son. I HATE her!]
 
Hope's secret is finally revealed: Throw the book at her! Call out the dogs! Unleash that barracuda Melinda Trask! How dare that Hope murder the dear, sweet old daddy of my handsome smoochy-moochy. After all, he'd changed just like my wonderful, wonderful EJ!

Jennifer and Adrienne decide to buy the Spectator. What a joke. I'm too busy with my important life to read stoopid newspapers, but if I'm still getting this rag, I'm cancelling my subscription immediately.

Philip realizes he wants to be with Chloe. Sure, Chloe is a tramp, but even she can do better than stoopid three-faced Philly. On second thought, let her take this loser off the market. I don't want her trying to get her desperate paws on my Rafe and my Lucas.

Orpheus's last stand: I hope his last stand works out better for him than it did for General Custer, and he puts that life-ruining John Black in a world of hurt.
 
Brady's discovery about Jeannie T.: Don't you just hate problem women? Why can't they be reasonable like me?

Kate disapproves of the Lucas-Adrienne wedding: That witch Kate is wrong about everything except this once. That wretched Adrienne should get her sweaty paws off my Lucas and go back to her stoopid husband.

Gabi's truth discovery: She must have learned that my Rafe is still madly in love with me!

Chad's rescue by Gabi: Little Chad would never have needed rescue if my manly, handsome EJ was still living in Salem. He always looked out for people unlike that life-ruiner John Black who just stood there looking stoopid (as usual) while that crazy Orpheus snatched my mother.
 
Gabi's problems with JJ: This is not surprising. The only good men ever to live in Salem are my Daddy, my wonderful smoochy-moochy, my Rafe and my Lucas.

Hope is sentenced: Throw the book at her Marcia. That daughter of a professional busybody and a shifty con man cruelly murdered the kindly old daddy of my handsome, changed EJ and the loving nono of poor little Theo.

Choe's pregnancy: OMG, that tramp is pregnant again. Feminine good sense clearly left Salem with truly-radiant me.

Joey's problems with Jade: What's wrong with women in Salem today? All the younger ones are tramps like that awful Abigail, baby-switching Nicole Walker, and now this trashy Jade creature. And the older ones are all witches like that miserable Adrienne who thought her stoopid son was too good for my Will and that horrid black widow, Hope.
 
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(Speaking of Chloe's pregnancy) Chloe carrying Daniel and Nicole's baby and keeping it a secret from Nicole: HA! Karma is a witch and her name is Nicole! That's what she freaking gets for kidnapping my daughter and claiming her to be hers!
 
Sami to Theresa: "Cuz, just be glad you didn't marry Brady legally before you are about to run off with Mateo! A quickie divorce is quite a tricky one to do and prove, trust me!

Sami about Chloe's pregnancy: "What kind of sick three-way does that sound like? Birds of a feather flock together!"

Sami to Gabi about JJ: "Did you not know JJ's grandfather had an affair with KATE!? Which spawned Lucas! His own mother had drunk sex taking advantage of MY brother Eric before his prison sentencing!! JJ's trashy tart sister Abigail slept with my EJ while being my bridesmaid! It's in his blood, Gabi! That family is sick, you were right to have shot Nick dead!"
 
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The Lucas-Adrienne wedding ends prematurely: This is wonderful news. My Lucas has been saved from a fate worse than death -- marriage to this horrible woman. After all, doodyhead Justin didn't cheat on this creature for no good reason.

JJ cheats on Gabi: OMG, another dime-store cheat! Why can't Salem men be more like my faithful smoochy-moochy?? My Rafe's sister deserves better than this window-smashing punk. I think I'll send the little weasel one of my "I-HATE-you" tweets.

The Paul-and-Steve investigation: More typical Salem doodyheadism. Why don't these stoopid people let my Daddy know about sketchy doings in Salem?? How can his cops ever catch the bad guys if nobody ever brings them evidence?
 
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