Facebook posts and Tweets from Salemites, Part 24

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DrBakerFan

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Facebook post by Salem's favorite tabloid rag, the Intruder: Great news, Salemites. The Intruder has just published it's special Orpheus Gang issue. If it's too dark to read where you are, head over to the Pub and check out our exciting articles while enjoying some chowder.

Where Is the Orpheus Gang?: Your Guide to Their Most Likely Hiding Places!

Mayor Carver's Inspirational Speech: "We Shall Fight the Orpheus Gang on the Beaches, in the Fields and Streets, in the Hills; We Will Never Surrender!"

Bulletproof Patch: How Steve Johnson Survived Being Shot at Point-Blank Range!

How to Design Your Panic Room: Tip #1 -- Be Sure the Doors Can't Be Opened from the Outside!

Xander Cook Speaks Out: He Dishes Dirt About Revenge and the Stupidities of His Fellow Gang Members!

Claire Black Kidnapped: Will It Ruin Her Sensational YouTube Rise to Stardom!?

Power Shortage: Did Salem's In-Crowd Take All Available Generators for Themselves!?

Dereliction of Duty: Rookie Cop Trysts with Nick Fallon's Killer in Hotel Room While Looters Run Amok!

Major Medical Miracle: John Black Shot but Avoids a Coma!

Kiriakis Overload: Can this Dysfunctional Family Survive All Living Under One Roof!?
 
Facebook post by Commissioner Roman Brady: Dammit, Salemites, self-help attempt to take down members of the Orpheus Gang have to stop now! Anyone who spots these three lowlifes or learns the location of their hideout should stand down and call 911 immediately. Yes, our SWAT team has been seen lately wandering around police headquarters or chilling at the Pub, but they're ready to move at a moment's notice. So are those brave veterans of the Yo-Daddy shootout: deadeye shooter JJ Deveraux, the always-professional Rafael Hernandez, and tough-as-nails Hope Brady who took down Mayor Marino's assassin, the Smith Island killer, and Stefano DiMera (oops, disregard that last name). Be aware that the next person who interferes with our efforts to get Orpheus and his accomplices will be charged to the full extent of the law by conviction-hungry District Attorney Aiden Jennings!
 
Youtube post by ClaireBfan202: OMG, why has it been 7 hours since Claire's last upload? Is she finished already?

Reply by BradyGirl4eva99: Totes**, she only had one good song anyway. That one where she was in jail was lame.

Reply by OneDFan93: I'm over her, hey everyone, check out this new singer, Cherish, Jr.!! She uploads one song every 10 minutes!!

Reply by ClaireBfan202: WHOA, now that is an artist...I am going to play this on a loop! Does anyone know how to change my Youtube username?

**-(Totes is internet slang by the young. It means "totally.")
 
Reply from Claire: OMG, I HATE Orpheus! He's a big, giant doodyhead for messing with my YouTube fans! He ruined my life! I HATE him!

Reply from Sami: Hmmmmm, there might be hope for you yet.
 
Facebook post from Orpheus: Whatever you Salem citizens did today, you made a huge mistake and my full reign of terror will come down upon you.

Reply from John: That's supposed to scare us? We've lived with the particular Salem terror known as Samantha Gene for 30 years. Your threats are like a parakeet's burp in a tornado, and that's a fact!
 
Reply from Sami: How dare you, you dime-store doodyhead and life-ruiner to call me the "Salem terror." The real threat to Salem has been your life-ruining self. And yes, that's a fact. How many times has Salem been disrupted by another one of your crises, most recently the invasion by your stoopid, crazy father Yo-Doody? How many women's lives have been ruined because you reached out and "touched" them? How many lives have you ruined besides mine? Hopefully, my wonderful Daddy and his fine police force won't catch Orpheus until he finally rids Salem of your odious, life-ruining self. I HATE you!!!
 
Unlike the Salem P.D., the Salem Intruder is right on top of Salem doings.

John Black's Plan to Stop the Orpheus Gang: Where Are the Police!?

Dumb Criminals: The Orpheus Gang Just Can't Hold onto Its Hostages!

Tension on the Docks: Is a DiMera-Kiriakis War Brewing!?

Protecting Tater Tot from the Orpheus Gang: Brave Nanny Emma Speaks Out!

Panicked Diva Flees Salem: Chloe Lane Seeks Refuge in New York!

Career Boost for Teen YouTube Sensation: How Being Kidnapped Will Help Claire Brady's Career!
 
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Random kid 1: I heard there was some trick or treaters somewhere that got toothbrushes,floss and toothpaste samples!

Random kid 2: Yeah I heard that too. Someone said the kids got mad, that they wanted candy and to give them candy, and they would use the brushes after they ate the candy. She said "No candy!"

Random kid 3: I heard she was a real witch because she started screaming about eating candy was not radiant or something, and called them doodyhead brats. The kids ran away.

Random kid 1: lol Yeah but they came back with the whole bunch of neighborhood kids and toilet papered her house. I heard she wasn't very good with kids.

All kids laughing.
 
Facebook post by the sleazy tabloid, the Salem Intruder: Great news, Salemites, Spectator reporters may be asleep at their desks, Titan TV staffers are hiding under their beds, and Salem's police are chasing their own tails, but as usual, the Intruder is on the job! Check out these hard-hitting stories in the latest issue.

Looters Speak Out: "OMG, Hope Brady May Shoot Us!"

The Latest from Orpheus: "John Black Ruined My LIfe!"

Club TBD Bombed: Determined Tipplers Keep on Drinking!

DiMera Mansion Drama: Clyde Weston Fooled by Crying Baby Doll!

Bring Back Melinda Trask: Do-Nothing D.A. Jennings Fiddles While Salem Burns!

Surgeon's Remarkable Tale: The Spirit of Daniel Jonas Guided My Hand During Mayor's Operation!
 
Facebook post by St. Francis Hospital aka "Salem's Real Hospital": Salemites, as you may have heard the heartless Seth Burns, the grand poobah of University Hospital, is refusing to admit any more victims of the Orpheus siege -- another black mark in this hospital's infamous history. Please know that in the grand tradition of all hospitals that have remained open in a time of great crisis, St. Francis Hospital is ready and willing to help you and your loved ones. Please note that we don't have any compulsive droolers, Australian lover boys, or ranting no-shows on our staff, just dedicated, skilled, and highly professional doctors, nurses, and staff who are here to serve our community in Salem's hour of need.
 
Facebook post from Salem City Hall: Attention, Salemites, the great Orpheus siege is over. The looters can go home and our citizens can now resume their usual dysfunctional lives. Once Mayor Carver has recovered, he will present civic awards to the following:
  • hero police officer JJ Deveraux who was shot while trying to arrest Orpheus and free his hostage, John Black;
  • Chad DiMera, Andre DiMera (yes, Andre DiMera), and a crying baby doll for their roles in capturing Clyde Weston;
  • Deimos Kiriakis for apparently eliminating Xander Cook;
  • Steve "Patch" Johnson and John Black for finally apprehending Orpheus;
  • Dr. Marlena Evans for providing the police with her invaluable psychological profiles and accidentally providing Orpheus the means to kill himself;
  • Eduardo Hernandez for deactivating Jenny Deveraux's vest bomb;
  • Police Commissioner Roman Brady for saving Theo Carver and as consolation for going kissless for years.
 
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Facebook post by the sleazy tabloid, the Salem Intruder: It's just been announced that civic awards for heroism duing the Orpheus siege will be awarded. As usual, the Intruder is providing the whole truth by presenting dunce caps to those who performed badly:
  • hothead Brady Black who foolishly ordered a failed raid on a suspected hideout;
  • Theo Carver for his misguided attempt to shoot Clyde Weston;
  • Eduardo Hernandez for causing the escape of the Orpheus Gang (he thinks that this is a secret);
  • ex-hostage and YouTube singer Claire Brady for wandering around alone after being repeatedly warned against it;
  • D.A. Aiden Jennings for caring more about his sketchy personal life than Salem's crisis;
  • Seth Burns who callously refused to let injured bombing victims into his so-called hospital;
  • the dunder-headed police officer whose gun was grabbed by Orpheus;
  • all police officers who spent more time at the Pub eating Brady burgers, chowder, and Wanchai Ferry than searching for the evildoers.
 
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Tweet from Titan Employee No. 1: OMG, the gossips around the water cooler say that the old grouch is thinking of retiring and letting a member of the younger generation run Titan.

Reply from Empolyee No. 1: Oh, please don't let it be three-faced Philly, the failed music mogul. The last thing we need is that one pirouetting around here on his regrown leg.

Reply from Employee No. 2: Or hothead Brady. He'd probably have us busy trying to resurrect Theresa Donovan's DJ-Wear.

Reply from Employee No. 3: How about Tater Tot? Sure, he's just a toddler, but there's a long history of the hopelessly unqualified running big companies in Salem. Remember screechy Sami Brady trying to run DiMera Enterprises and some cosmetics company.

Reply from Employee No. 1: Let's face it, when it comes to the Kiriakis family there are no good options. Let's go over to the Pub and pray to the chowder gods for salvation.
 
Reply from Employee No. 4: Then that leaves Justin, Sonny, and Deimos. Personally, my vote is Justin. He's been with the company since the very beginning, plus he has experience, and he can groom Sonny to be the next CEO. Sort of like a monarchy.

Reply from Employee No. 1: Well, it's better than Brady, Philip, or Deimos taking over.

Reply from Employee No. 2: Yeah, I like that option!

Reply from Employee No. 3: Ditto! Here's hoping either Justin or Sonny take over!
 
Facebook post from Jennifer: Good news, JJ is waking up! Bad news, he immediately started asking for Gabi. Ugh! I'm his MOTHER, sitting at his bedside and he's asking for that two-bit tart? I see how it is! I was good enough to give birth to him, put a roof over his head, food on his table, clothes on his back, support him through all of his issues and he asks for her?? Oh yeah, but she can wiggle her sexy little hips in his direction and he forgets all about his mommy. Ingrate!

Reply from Julie: Oh darling, that's terrible. That girl killed our beloved Nicholas and that is who JJ's calling for? What a travesty! It's really a shame that she's the mother of a Horton child, otherwise, we could just run her out of town. If it weren't for her, our darling Nick would still be here. Witch!

Reply from Lucas:
facepalm.jpg~c200
 
Facebook post from the Salem Port Authority: Salemites, have you been searching for that perfect place for a truly romantic dinner? Is the Pub menu too one dimensional, TBD full of loud-mouths, Chez Rouge stale, and the Town Square too public? Well, we have the answer for for you -- a romantic dining experience on the historic, scenic Salem piers! Enjoy a gourmet meal and fine wines at the same place where many dramatic events in Salem history took place. Space is limited, so don't delay. Make your reservation today at the Port Authority website.

Yelp Review: :):):):):) My dinner with Sweetness on the piers was perfect -- romantic, and secluded with perfect food. It was such a success that my wife is not only fine with me being a private eye again, but she's also getting me premium TV access to all my favorite sports events. Patch
 
:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Reply from Sami: Uncle Steve, you're a giant doodyhead for taking Aunt Kayla to the stoopid piers. Everybody knows the most romantic place to eat is Grandma's Pub. She'll whip up some of her famous chowder, along with a fresh hot batch of Wanchai Ferry. What could be more romantic? I bet the reason you dragged Aunt Kayla to the piers is because you're broke as a joke since you're working with that life-ruiner, John Black, another giant doodyhead. I'm glad my darling, changed, sweet smoochy-moochy had more class than to take me the piers for our romantic dates.

Reply from Rafe: yes, not everybody is lucky enough to have a tumble on the DiMera Love Couch. Doesn't get much more romantic than that. :rolleyes:

Reply from Sami: shut up, you stoopid granny chaser! I HATE YOU! (but you're still mine)

Reply from Lucas: hate to state the obvious, but YOU are also a granny. Just sayin'.

Reply from Sami: shut up! I HATE you, too. (but you also still belong to me)
 
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