Ask Sami! An Advice Column by Sami Brady

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Dear Sami,

A while back, I had a thrilling May-December affair with a handsome younger man. When he was injured, I stood by him faithfully, but now that he's recovered, he's taken up with a trollop with a sketchy past. How can I save him from this witch and regain his love?

Blue Chunk

Dear Blue Chunk,

I think I know who you are, but I'll send along my valuable advice anyway. I strongly suggest that you use Countess W cosmetics. After your former love sees the transformation known as the "Countess W Look," he'll dump Ms. Nobody and rush back to you in a Salem minute.

Cheers,

Sami!
 
Dear Sami,

I'll ask you the same question I asked that stupid-head, Ruffles McRed:

My two big cousins are all that and a bag of chips. They are pretty, have loads of boys willing to do anything for them and buy them expensive gifts. I want to grow up and be just like them so boys will do anything for me and buy me expensive baubles. My one cousin "Gene" used her boyfriend's gold card to buy me $4,000 worth of earrings, but my doody-head mommy made me give them to charity. My other cousin, "Jeannie" got her boyfriend to buy her a purse that cost lots of money.

Can you tell me how to grow up and be just like them??

Signed, Buttons and Bows

Dear Buttons and Bows,

OK, here's the deal, you need to quit showing your mother your stuff and letting her know what's going on. You need to do stuff behind her back. Do you think I've become so successful because I told my mother what I was doing all the time? Or even listened to her? Ummm, NO!

Secondly, what do you mean your mother donated the $4,000 worth of earrings to charity??? That was hard-earned DiMera money I used to buy those earrings. That ungrateful snot! You're right, she is a doody-head, and a big one at that!

Lastly, you should be spending more time with me and Theresa; we'll show you how it's done, kid!

And remember, don't let your parents know what you're up to! That's the whole key to my success!!

Cheers! Sami

Reply from Roman Brady: Dammit, Sami!!
 
Dear Sami,

I met this wonderful detective that works for the Salem PD. He's charming, funny, protective, and very romantic. He makes me feel like I'm the only woman in the world. I've only known him a few months and I'm afraid to tell him some things about my past that are just too painful, but I want him to know everything about me. What should I do?

Signed, Confused and In Love
*************************************************************

Dear Confused,

If you're talking about Rafael Hernandez, back off! I was married to him and he will ALWAYS belong to me.

Happy Love Hunting!

Sami

P.S. The same goes for any of you desperate singles out there making puppy eyes at Lucas Horton.
 
Dear Sami,

Where I work, there's this self-righteous priss who only comes to work when she's got nothing better to do. She and her scruffy boyfriend walk around here like they're the king and queen of the prom. I want and totally deserve her job, but the big boss never seems to notice prissy's total incompetence. Any advice?

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Although I only show up at work when it suits me, I feel your pain. But don't despair. Keep spreading ugly rumors about these two, but be subtle. Sooner or later Ms. Priss and her slovenly lover will crash and burn. It's a Salem inevitability. Whatever you do, don't consider a kidnapping. They always turn out badly for the perpetrators even when my daddy doesn't catch them (which is most of the time).

Hang in there,

Sami!
 
Dear Sami,

We were once married, then divorced, remained friendly, hooked up again, broke up again, but still remained friends. We have two children together (not 7, as you often think). You've moved on and are now engaged to your "sweet smoochy-moochy".

Why in heaven's name do you think I'm still yours??

Signed, father of 2 of your children

Dear father,

You're either Lucas, Austin, Brandon, Rafe, Franco or EJ. Either way, you're still mine and no other woman can have you, ever. I don't want you, but I don't want any other woman to have you, either. You must remain loyal to me and me only. You got that?

Always mine, Sami
 
Dear Sami,

Thanks so much for starting your column. All Ruffles McRed offers are pious platitudes that just don't apply in Salem. This is a tough place where only the strong survive as that Nick Fallon recently discovered. Anyway, I'm into this cute guy who is currently involved with some snooty girl who's going to a big-name university in the fall. I recently tried to get this creature to believe my STD test was somehow connected to him, but it all blew up in my face. What should I try next?

Beverly

Dear Beverly,

STD test? I never tried that one, but I'll keep it in mind if the need arises. In your case, I'd recommend that you keep on plotting. Getting pregnant with your guy's child is a good move, but if you're not up for that just yet, try things like anonymous notes saying that one is cheating on the other or even photoshopping compromising photographs. Just be sure to stay below the radar, and don't be too obvious. Also take heart from the fact that in Salem all relationships (except mine with smoochy-moochy) eventually crash and burn. Even Ruffles McRed was once divorced from her sainted husband!!

Best of Luck,

Sami!
 
Dear Sami,

I'm a newly single mom because my husband is who knows where chasing criminals underground. Why he thinks he'll catch them is beyond me since the case closure rate in our local precinct is embarrassing. Anywho, like I was saying, I'm a newly single mom and I'm having hard time juggling work and being there for my daughter. I wish I had more time to help her with her homework and her emotional issues regarding her father. As a single mom, what advice would you offer?

Hopelessly Devoted
**********************************************************

Dear Hopeless

Homework is overrated! I barely made it out of high school biology and look at me now. I'm a top executive for a multinational billion dollar cosmetics company. Teach the kid the basics of altering official documents and she'll be just fine. Sure knowing that 1 + 1 = 2 is fine and dandy, but being able to falsify a paternity test will open doors. And oh, those issues she has with her dad being gone, pay no mind to that. The worst that can happen is she'll walk in on you and another man doing the horizontal mambo on say a conference room table and hold it against you for the rest of your life. You two will be just fine. Trust me! :)

Keep Smiling,

Sami
 
Dear Sami,

I'm in high school and I like this guy. I accidentally sort of slept with his brother and got pregnant. What should I do?

Teen mom-to-be

***********************************************************************

Dear Teen Mom,

Boy, I feel for you, sister! Been there, done that!!

You need to make the guy you like think you slept together (I suggest drugging him). Then let him think he's the father of your child for as long as you can get away with it. Bonus points if you can sneak into the hospital and change your baby's blood type in the hospital computer. If you need help with that, my sainted granny can give you a hand. She's an old pro at that!

If you're lucky, you can get away with the truth for years, decades even. Ask Laura Horton! LOL Unfortunately, I got busted after only a couple years.

Good luck!! Sami
 
Dear Sami,

I'm a poor, hard-working intern at a local hospital (a real one, not University Hospital). I work out a lot and people say I'm quite the hunk. To earn extra money, I'm thinking of getting a job as a male stripper, perhaps dressed as one of the Village People. I'm afraid that some of my colleagues might find this unprofessional. What do you think?

Doc

Dear Doc,

Unprofessional is just a word. I'm the head of a global cosmetics company and I only show up for work on the rare occasions when I feel like it. Some people might say that's unprofessional, but I'm loaded with money and engaged to the handsomest, most brilliant attorney in Salem. So go for it. Let me know when and where you're performing. I'll be the beautiful, stylishly dressed woman in the front row tossing $100 bills.

Good luck,

Sami!
 
Dear Sami:

I think I am in love with my rapist? What should I do if he wants to marry me.

A Raped lover

Dear Raped Lover:

I know what you are going through. I once was raped too. I shot him in the head, but he survived. I learned to love him and am now his fiancee. Rapists can change, mine did. Follow your heart, not your head.

Good luck, Sami
 
Dear Mom Sami,

Our mother seems to think she only has one child. She is always spending time with our much older brother and his baby daughter. And we are never included. We'd like to see our niece too but mom never takes us to her. And we want to see our former stepfather too! We loved living with him--we had the best time with him. We HATE her! What should we do?

Signed,
Lost in DiMansion

Dear Lost in DiMansion,

What a mean mother you three have! My most perfect Smoochy Moochy and I would NEVER do that to our children. We have the most perfect family life with no past issues whatsoever! I can't wait to marry him again and live our most perfect life. 15th wedding is the charm! Oh wait…I was supposed to answer you. Ummm…I think you should all go live with your former stepfather. Seems your mom won't even notice. Good luck!

Sami B.
 
Dear Sami: I have a big problem! My friends and I want to plan a big dance, but the local stick-in-the-muds, led by a minister who looks like John Lithgow, won't let us have one in our town. They say dances only bring big trouble. Help! We're dying of boredom!

Footloose

Dear Footloose,

The old fools in your town have no idea what trouble with young people really is. Real trouble with kids includes false confessions to murder, extorting $4,000 worth of earrings, and smashing every window in a town square. Anyway, why not have your dance here in Salem at my wonderful son's fantastic Club TBD?! It's the hottest place in Salem! And the girls will love T the bartender. He's so cute! And if your town's fuddy-duddies are worried about hanky-panky (what's wrong with that anyway?), my twin, the once and future priest, and my sainted granny can be there to chaperone.

Keep on dancin',

Sami!
 
Dear Sami,

I am a woman deeply in love with a man who was viciously attacked and raped by a blond witch, thus he had to leave his... hum... job. His bosses and... hum... employees believed he actually enjoyed his time with the blond, but he was drugged and didn't know what was happening. So I set out to prove it. I succeeded, but when my true love said he chose me no matter what, I destroyed the evidence I found. It didn't matter anyway, right ? He chose me after all. But now he found out, he hates me and pretty soon, everybody else in Salem will hate me too... as usual. How can I get my love to forgive me and move on ? After all, I forgave him for accusing me of the crime perpetrated by the blond witch.

Town Pariah


Dear Town Pariah,

Oh, I know how it feels to be the black sheep. Of course, not everyone can do it in style like I do. Try throwing a few very public temper tantrums until your man needs to kiss you to shut you up (see one of my responses above). If that doesn't work, well, this guy is not worth it. After all, you did what was right : hide something to keep your man. You go, girl ! If this guy is too stupid to appreciate the lies and secrecy, he does not deserve you. But if you really, really love him, try shooting him in the head (careful now, you don't want to kill him), that worked for me.

I'm with you girl, Sami


Reply from Eric : Sami, you dimwit, that message is from Nicole. She hid evidence from me so I could not return to the priesthood.

Reply from Sami : Oh... in that case : I HATE YOU, NICOLE, YOU'RE A HORRIBLE MONSTER. WAIT 'TIL I TELL EVERYONE IN TOWN !!!!! YOU WISH YOU WERE ONLY THE TOWN PARIAH !!!!

Reply from Nicole : Sigh...
 
Dear Sami,

I'm a distinguished surgeon who was wrongly convicted of killing his wife and sentenced to death, but then escaped. I'm hiding out in Chicago looking for the real killer, a one-armed man. The heat is really on. Should I persevere?

Dr. Richard K.

Dear Doc,

Having once been on death row after being framed, I feel your pain. My advice is to hang in there and find that doody-headed one-armed man. If the heat becomes too much, come to Salem for a while. My daddy's cops wouldn't notice you if you were wearing an orange prison jump suit and had a sign around your neck saying "escaped convict." And when you clear you name, consider coming to Salem University Hospital. The current chief surgeon is a quack who walks around salivating over attractive young women wearing hospital gowns. The poor custodial staff is constantly busy mopping up his drool. Yuck!

Good luck!!

Sami!
 
Dear Sami,

I am a darling twin. I have two brothers and a younger sister. My mommy never remembers that my younger sister or I even live in the same house as my twin brother. To make matters worse, I have a different daddy than my twin brother. I'm not sure how that happened and I am not looking forward to high school biology when we find out how that happened. I am wondering just what I can do to make my mommy notice me?

One of the forgotten in name but remembered in count of children

Dear forgotten in name but remembered in the count of children,

That is just terrible. That a mother a woman would call herself a good mother and yet forget her children.

Honey, just come over to the house and I'll take you in. I'll smother you with kisses and all the love you are missing now.

Sami

Dear Sami,

Are you serious?

One of the forgotten in name but remembered in count of children
 
Dear Sami,

I'm a high school student living in the Chicago suburbs who wants to go to Princeton. Recently, I messed up and caused my dad's Porsche to end up in Lake Michigan. To get the money to fix it before my parents return from vacation, my girl friend (she's a hooker) suggested having a party at my house where her friends could take care of my sex-starved buddies and classmates (for a price). Do you think this is too risky?

Risky Business

Dear Risky,

My, you are a bad boy, but at least you haven't shot anyone like certain young people here in Salem. And your girl friend is a hooker. Interesting. In Salem, one ex-hooker now runs a third-rate cosmetics company and another became a judge. As for your party plans, I say go for it! I didn't get where I am today (rich and successful) by playing it safe. Also, tell your girl friend's fellow hookers to use Countess W cosmetics. That will increase 'business" if you know what I mean.

Good luck,

Sami!
 
Dear Sami,

It seems like you hate everyone in Salem and you think everyone is a doody head.

Why is that?

Signed, curious

Dear curious,

Because everyone in Salem is stoopid, except for me, my sweet smoochy-moochy and my 19 brilliant children: Josh, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johanna, Jennifer, Jordyn-Grace and Josie.

So there!

PS: I HATE you too, curious!

Reply from Will:

Mom.........Josh, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johanna, Jennifer, Jordyn-Grace and Josie are the Duggar kids from "19 Kids and Counting". You only have 4 children, me, Johnny, Allie and Sydney.

Reply from Sami:

I think I'd know how many children I gave birth to and what their names are. See, you're stoopid, too.

PS: I HATE you!
 
Dear Sami,

I've just been ditched by my true love (whose ring I'm keeping). Now nobody loves me and everybody hates me. Any advice?

N.W.

Dear N.W.

You could go out in the garden and eat worms, but my advice is too hang in there. I'd have gotten nowhere in life if I'd let that awful Nicole Walker, witchy Kate Roberts, miserable Nick Fallon, my doody-headed sister, and that rotten John Black who ruined my parent's marriage get me down. P.S., try getting revenge. It always works for me and my smoochy-moochy's dear old daddy.

Sami!!
 
Dear Sami,

I just caught my fiance in bed with some young harlot and when I told my family that I wanted revenge, they said to just move on and be grateful that I'm rid of the loser. They quoted the latest entry in Ruffles McRed's column, which says: "Revenge and humiliation are quite unbecoming to a young woman and you'd be better off just forgetting all of this and moving on. Revenge at weddings always leaves an ugly aftertaste, like a certain woman's chowder. Look at poor Father Eric. Be glad you're not in that family." My family swears by Ruffles McRed. Could she be right?

Unlucky in Love

Dear Unlucky,

Doody-head Ruffles is ALWAYS wrong. And if she says one more thing about a certain woman's chowder, my beloved twin, and my family, she's going onto my revenge list. God help her then. As for you and revenge, I say GO FOR IT, preferably at the wedding, which gives it maximum effect. But don't move too quickly. As Salem's leading expert on revenge, Stefano DiMera, always says: "Revenge is a dish best served cold." Good luck sticking the proverbial knife into your worthless fiance.

Love,

Sami!
 
Dear Sami how do you tell someone "close" to you their wardrobe is awful and their hair needs washing. ~~signed Closer than you think :wink:
PS: Do you own a mirror?


Dear Closer than you think
Just ..Out with it tell it like it is...and yes I have a mirror; I don't understand what that has to do with anything, but yes I have more than one.

WASH ME! (Sami's hair)
 
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