"Dear Ruffles McRed"....an advice column #3

Dear Ruffles McRed,

I'm new to Salem and already I'm facing personal problems. I recently discovered that my "father" wasn't my biological parent, and just met an older woman who's the grandmother that I never knew I had. Now I'm afraid that people in town will think I'm so kind of weirdo because of my dysfunctional family situation.

Any advice,
Never Smiles aka the Big E

Dear Never,

Relax, you'll fit right in here in Salem. Half the town has learned that they have a previously unknown child or parent, even me! Last year, a rather sketchy woman arrived, claiming to be my long-lost daughter. (She's since vanished without a trace and nobody ever mentions her.) Sure enough, I suddenly remembered the encounter behind a barn when I was young, which resulted in her conception. Also, don't worry about what people think. Most people in Salem are so dysfunctional that they are in no position to judge anyone else.

Cheers,
Ruffles McRed
 
Today, in a change of pace, Ruffles McRed is directly addressing her faithful viewers.

Dear Readers,

It has come to Ruffles McRed's attention that a certain infamous woman is now giving advice to the lovelorn and confused. Do not be taken in. The source of all wisdom in Salem is the redhead, not the woman with a blue-chunk. Following her advice is the pathway to disaster, unhappiness, and possible criminal behavior. My wise advice will lead to true happiness, lasting love, and cozy domesticity featuring tasty home-baked cookies and soothing glasses of warm milk.

Your friend,
Ruffles McRed
 
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Dear Ruffles McRed,

I am so frustrated. To save my brilliant singing career I just needed my grandfather to give me some big bucks, but the old skinflint turned me down. Worse, he just loves his other granddaughter who everyone thinks can do no wrong. Even my boyfriend seems to be more concerned about her welfare that he is with mine. How can I get everyone to realize that I'm the important one here -- a future singing star who will make Kelly Clarkson, Gwen Stefani and Lady Gaga look like small change.

How about some good advice.
Super Talent

Dear Super,

Oh my, if this was twenty years ago, I'd swear that your letter was written by Sami Brady. What you really need is an attitude adjustment. Ordinarily, I'd refer you to Victor -- he's good at this sort of thing -- but I suspect it would go badly. Instead, drop by for some warm milk and home-baked cookies. You may not like what I have to say, but it will be related in my usual warm, caring Ruffles McRed way.

Wisely,
Ruffles McRed

P.S., when you stop by, you can tell me who those singers are. I haven't paid any attention to modern performers since Sonny and Cher broke up.
 
DrBakerFan said:
Oh my, if this was twenty years ago, I'd swear that your letter was written by Sami Brady. What you really need is an attitude adjustment.
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Hey, Lady McDoody-Ruffles,

Is this some sort of insult about me? No, seriously, I can't tell and none of my nine children will tell me.

Not sure if I hate you or not. Depends if that was an insult.

Maybe I hate you, maybe I don't, Sami Brady Deveraux DiMera Donovan Fallon Hernandez Horton Kelly Kiriakis Reed Williams

PS: how can you not know who Kelly Clarkson, Gwen Stefani and Lady Gaga are?? They are my daughters. You're stoopid.


Reply:

Sami, dear, for the record, you were never married to a Deveraux, Donovan, Fallon, Kiriakis or Williams. And Franco Kelly died before you got to the altar.

Smartly, Ruffles
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I am so sick of your advice column. You're just a career busybody who offers worn-out platitudes dressed up as something new. And some role model you are:
  • coddling your career criminal husband who cruelly mistreated his handsome younger brother and fine nephew;
  • worshiping the memory of your so-called "egg-baby," who was just a horndog, quack surgeon;
  • ignoring the existence of your daughters, Sarah, Melissa, and Janice;
  • being such a poor judge of character that you thought the alcohol/drug saturated Brady was a better man than the fine younger brother whom the psychotically cruel Victor so mistreated;
  • and cruelly abandoning your daughter, Summer, who later endured such a life of misery that she turned into a psycho who consorted with the scum of the earth, Dario Hernandez.
Big D.

P.S., while in a Greek prison, I used to read Ann Landers (yes, really) and believe me, you are no Ann Landers (or Dear Abby).

"Dear" Big D.,

I am not a busybody. As my awful brother-in-law put it yesterday, I am Salem's moral sheriff. As for your cruel, nasty comments: 1) Victor is a cuddlebear; 2) my egg-baby is a saint; 3) unlike screechy Sami Brady, I do know how many children I have; 4) Brady is fine man (he has St. Daniel's heart); 4) I couldn't have been kinder to poor, lost Summer; and 5) if Ann Landers and Dear Abby were still alive and writing, they could learn a few things from me.

Righteously,
Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I was just handed a CEO job by my grandfather who owns the company. Despite my brave talk, I feel insecure and feel that I am completely unqualified for the position. Any advice?

Big Boy

Dear Big Boy,

Don't worry, this is Salem. This town is filled with total incompetents posing as experts. My horrid brother-in-law was once made head of Titan despite the fact that his only qualification was thirty years in a Greek prison. Another in-law is a lawyer who takes all kinds of cases for which he has no background. A leading citizen in this town works as a private detective and secret agent despite having had so many comas that his brain must look like Swiss cheese. Even that scatterbrained screecher Sami Brady was once co-CEO of DiMera Enterprises and the company survived. Lastly, although I am very qualified to give out advice, sometimes I wonder if warm milk, cookies, and a chat with Victor are really the best solutions to my readers problems. In short, don't worry. Go with the flow. People in Salem are so obsessed with their own dysfunctional lives that they'll never notice your flubs and failures.

Wisely,
Ruffles McRed
 
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DrBakerFan said:
Even that scatterbrained screecher Sami Brady was once co-CEO of DiMera Enterprises and the company survived.
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Reply from Sami Brady DiMera Obama Trump Clinton Bush Lincoln Washington Carter Kennedy:

Excuse me?? I am STILL the CEO of DiMera Enterprises and I do a good job. I can even run the stoopid company without even being there. And you can tell I know about being president of a company since I was married to so many presidents. Just look at my full name. Take your dried out cookies and curdled milk and go pound salt!
 
Reply from Mr. Shin of the DiMera Enterprises Board.

Dear Ms. Brady, etc.

I have been asked by the company board to disabuse you of your delusional belief that you are still CEO. You are gone and forgotten except for a few hardy souls such as myself and current CEO Ms. Kate Roberts. Ms. Roberts wants you to know that the horrid portrait of you and herself, which once defaced the walls of the DiMera mansion, was long ago sent to the Salem dump. She also says that she is doing her best to forget that you were ever married to her long-suffering son and the farcical "green wedding," and does not believe for a minute that Mr. John Black ruined your life. She maintains that you did that all by yourself.

Sincerely,
Mr. Shin

P.S., don't write back, please. I know exactly what you'll say. :eek:
 
DrBakerFan said:
and does not believe for a minute that Mr. John Black ruined your life. She maintains that you did that all by yourself.
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Reply from John Black: That's a fact!

Reply from Marlena Evans: Kate speaks the truth.

Reply from Lucas Horton: True that!

Reply from Rafe Hernandez: Mr. Shin is OK in my book.

Reply from Carrie Brady Reed: Haha! Even I stand with Kate on this!

Reply from Ghost EJ DiMera: I should've stayed with Nicole or Abby.
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I've just learned that my new husband is a counterfeiter and a computer criminal, but if I divorce him, he'll be deported back to Mexico where he says that drug dealers will shoot him. My friends and family all say that I'm crazy to stay with him. What do you think?

Thoroughly Confused

Dear Thoroughly,

Sorry, dear, but your friends and family are right -- you're crazy. In fact, you're so beyond crazy that you make Sami Brady, Vivian Alamain, and Kristen DiMera seem almost sane. You would have been better off marrying Andre DIMera before Kate Roberts got her claws into him. As for you so-called husband, buy him a bullet-proof vest and wish him the all best in Mexico.

Very firmly,
Ruffles McRed

P.S., did it ever occur that the story about homicidal Mexican drug dealers is a big lie designed to gain your sympathy?
 
DrBakerFan said:
you're so beyond crazy that you make Sami Brady, Vivian Alamain, and Kristen DiMera seem almost sane.
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Hey, Ruffles McDoodyhead,

Did you just pay me a compliment? If so, I don't hate you. But if you are making fun of me, then I HATE you!

Sami Brady DiMera Ingalls Walton Kotter Cunningham Bunker
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I'm dazed and confused. I just remembered that while drugged I fatally stabbed a truly horrible man who brought untold misery to those around him and fixed it so that I'd lose my precious baby. Should I turn myself in? I don't know what to do. Please help.

Miss N.

Dear Miss N.

Don't do it. Only foolish people in Salem ruin their lives by turning themselves into the wretched Salem P.D. Take my cuddle-bear Victor for example. He did some naughty things during his rough and rowdy past (and may even be up to his old tricks now and then), but he never turned himself in, and I'm so glad he didn't. instead of enjoying warm milk and home-baked cookies with me in our cozy mansion, he'd be in some nasty jail cell, sharing space with horrible people like that wretched Ian McAllister (what a stinker he was!). If you need to deal with any guilt feelings, instead of confessing to that nasty Commissioner Raines (what a grouch!), I suggest you drop by the Horton Center and talk to the always-cheerful Eric Brady, who has overcame the titanic guilt caused by being responsible for the biggest tragedy in Salem history, the untimely death of my handsome, brilliant, charming, caring egg-baby, the saintly Dr. Daniel Jonas.

Knowingly,
Ruffles McRed

P.S., good luck getting back your dear little baby. If you need help, I suggest that you talk with Justin Kiriakis, the bestest lawyer in Salem.
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I'm an attractive middle-aged woman who recently attempted to seduce an older Salem man by trotting out my fresh melons and mentioning my tasty buns, but failed completely. What am I doing wrong?

Please help,
A not B

Dear A,

Forget Salem, dear, the only older women in this town who catch any action are a pistol-packing granny at the police station and a professional schemer who wears several pounds of jewelry and has a blue chunk. In any case, you can forget Salem men, especially the older ones. By and large, they are a real bunch of duds. The only older gent in Salem who still has the right stuff, is my cuddly tiger, Victor, and he's taken (don't you forget it). I suggest that you pack up your melons and buns and cast your net further, much further, all the way to Chicago, New York, Seattle, L.A., or even Paris and Rome.

Good luck,
Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I'm an older Salem gent, recently retired and running my family's business. I went years without a kiss from a lovely lady. Recently I had two kisses, but neither one was appreciated. Might you give me the contact info for "A not B"? For someone like me, melons and buns would be a great addition to the menu.

Sincerely,
Kissless-Kop
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

Some awful people from my past just visited my beautiful home (actually they broke in). These are the same mean, mean, mean people who've said so many awful, awful, awful things over the years about my deceased darling baby boy. I was so angry that I almost used my trusty, trusty, trusty shotgun on them. How can I deal with mean, mean meanies who say such hurtful things?

Susan B.

Dear Susan B.,

I feel your pain. There's an Internet site where posters write the most awful things about my late egg-baby son, Daniel, who was the most brilliant, wonderful, caring, saintly, handsome miracle surgeon who ever lived. They call him hateful names like "Dr. McScruffy," and falsely suggest that he was orange-tinted (he had a natural tan, I think) and never shaved (he did so, once in a while). It makes me furious, but instead of reaching for one of the many guns hidden in my mansion home (along with cursed amulets), I just bask in the warm glow of memories of my darling egg-baby and keep busy baking cookies for my cuddle bear, Victor. I strongly suggest that you do the same.

Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I recently returned to my home town and wow, what a disappointment. Everyone is giving me attitude and criticizing my actions. My long-lost son has cruelly rejected me and my horrible sister even said that I was worse than a family of local career criminals. What's wrong with these people? How can I get them to realize that I'm always right?

Irately,
Best Mother

Dear "Best,"

I know who you are, and all that I can say is that the problem is you, not them.

Sternly,
Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

Woo hoo, after years on the social sidelines, I've recently returned to the love game in a big way with one of my ex-wives. Only one thing bothers me: her carrying an urn containing her late husband ashes wherever she goes. How should I handle this?

Formerly Kissless

Dear Kissless,

Some people, such as my beloved, but sometimes grouchy husband, might react by using the ashes to keep people from slipping on the icy front steps, but I suggest that you take a more benevolent approach. As long as your once-and-current love doesn't bring the urn into bed with you or insist that others engage in conversation with your late husband's ashes, I think that you can go with the flow. After all, true love means overlooking the little things and making compromises. Lord knows, I've done plenty of that with my cuddly, irascible Victor.

Understandingly,
Ruffles McRed
 
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Dear Ruffles McRed,

After the death of my beloved first husband, I married a very wealthy, charming man whom I knew had been, to put it politely, a little rough around the edges in his younger days. I thought he had reformed -- after all, he won't see his 70s again, but based on what I've overheard he's still up to his old, nasty tricks. Grrr! Should I give him one more chance or just dump him?

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

I'm facing the same problem with my incorrigible Victor. I suggest cutting off your foolish husband's warm milk and cookies while warning him that your "boots were made for walking." If the silly old coot keeps up his bad behavior, head for the front door and don't look back (while thinking of the fat divorce settlement that you'll get).

Infallibly,
Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

After my fiancee dumped me, I had a quick one-night stand with my ex-wife. (We were both in a bad way.) Soon after, my fiancee took me back. I wanted to tell her about my tryst, but never could find the words. Now the truth is out and she's dumped me big time. Just as bad some of her friends and family keep saying nasty things about me, my brother, and my poor little sister. Ironically, some of these people haven't exactly been saints themselves. Any advice?

Big R.

Dear Big,

Sorry, but that's the way it is in Salem. Pots calling kettles black and people in glass houses throwing stones are a favorite indoor and outdoor sport in this city. Treat yourself to some warm milk and tasty cookies. This should make you feel better.

Infallibly,
Ruffles McRed
 
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