"Dear Ruffles McRed"....an advice column by Maggie

Just Samantha

Just Samantha

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Thanks to Muzzaman's post in the Christmas gift thread, Maggie has now started writing an advice column for the Salem Spectator. Please feel free to write to "Ruffles McRed" (thanks to Sparkster for the name!).

Dear Ruffles McRed,

I am currently struggling to get clean and sober after a recent overdose. A kind doctor at Salem Hospital saved my life. I'd like to do something nice for him. What do you suggest?

Signed, Theresa.... er... Jeannie... er, I mean, Anonymous OD Girl


Dear Anonymous OD Girl,

I have a feeling you're talking about my wonderful, perfect son, Dr. Daniel Jonas. As you know, my precious baby walks on water, so I'd suggest some water shoes to keep his amazing feet dry.

Fawningly, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

Help!! There is a certain doctor that I am totally attracted to. The unshaven, unkempted hair I can live with. He has a certain way with his patients but I don't know what to do to get his attention. Any suggestions??

Sincerely, a patient

Dear Patient,

2 words for you.........hospital gown. Good luck!
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

A colleague at work was victimized by a harlot, and is now being treated callously be his superiors, shunned by many, and pestered by the news media. His only friend appears to be an unshaven, sloppily-dressed doctor. I'm so stressed and depressed about this that I keep dreaming of a trip to a long-ago, faraway place, where everyone is clean, kind and considerate.

Father Matt Distressed Cleric

Dear Distressed Cleric,

There's no need to travel anywhere. You and your unfortunate colleague should start watching episodes of the old TV show, The Waltons. I hear that it's available on DVD.

Cheerfully, Ruffles McRed
 
Hey Ruffles,

I've about reached my limit. The people in this town have been poking the bear for months and I'm about ready to bite. This love from back in the day had the nerve to accuse me of doing some pretty nasty stuff to him and didn't want to hear a word I had to say. When he found out the truth he was all up on me begging me to forgive him, but it's not that easy. I thought he knew me. What do I do?

Signed, Taylor Fay



Dear Taylor Fay,

My, my, my....such emotion. Just ask yourself "what would Jesus do".

Peace be with you, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I was married to a guy, let's call him Rick, who was a closet psycho. We got a divorce, but slept together after my baby was born (he's not the father, my gay ex-boyfriend is). Then he went full-blown bat-crap crazy and tried to rape me. I hit him in the head with a rock and my brother's ex-wife and my baby-daddy's grandma helped me push his not-so-dead body into the Salem River. I'm now having nightmares. What should I do?

Signed, Tabi

Dear Tabi,

Sounds like you need my miracle healing son, Dr. Daniel Jonas, to walk upon the surface of the Salem River, pluck Rick from the water, revive him with his miracle skills and then work it out with the guy and get remarried. He's probably just misunderstood and needs the love of a good woman.

Good luck! Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffle McRed,

We are so sick and tired of people in this town losing things and we feel like we need to keep these items safe. For example, wallets, photographs, an earring, among other things. My friend is also finding things that have him stumped as to who these items belong to. I need a safe place to hide them. Any suggestions?

signed, Cia......I mean Tiara and Th........Cleo

Dear Tiara and Cleo,

I don't share this with many people, but I will with you considering how responsible you two have been in keeping these things safe. In Horton town Square, there is a plaque of Tom and Alice Horton. Remove the plaque and you will see a box. In that box is a key to another box. Purchase a ticket to Africa, go to this bank, and there you will find the box that the key belongs to. Voila.....problem solved, no one will ever find out about it and it will never be spoken of again.

P.S. - I love helping people!!!

Signed, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I have two brothers and a sister, but my mommy never seems to remember I exist. She acts like my brothers walk on water, while she forgets about me and my sister. Me and my one brother are even twins....except we have different daddies. What can I do to make her notice us?

Signed, Sallie and London

Dear Sallie and London,

I'm not sure how to help you. As you know, I have only one child, my precious perfect Daniel Jonas. He's the light of my life, my whole reason for living. I can't imagine a mother who doesn't pay attention to her two darling daughters. What kind of low-life slug does that??

Regretfully, Ruffles McRed


Reply from Melissa and Sarah Horton: Seriously????
 
Dear Ruffles......

I own a restaurant and can barely make ends meet any more. My large, extended family come often to patronize the place, but rarely eat, and when they do, they never pay! They occupy tables to do work for their business, homework, have business conferences, arguments, discussions. I am widow, and while I am so happy to see everyone, how do I get them to understand this is a restaurant?

Signed.....Clam...Soupie

Dear Soupie...
How Rude! I certainly get where you are coming from, have run into the same kind of patronage at a place I used to own (maybe I still own it, have to check on that). Two words come to mind. Cover Charge. Yes, if they sit at a table, the little placard on it will state plainly and in large print.....Cover Charge..$xxxx. To be paid upon sitting down. LOL

Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I work at a hospital where everything is dysfunctional. The human resources person is a witch, the public relations person never comes to work, our top surgeon looks like an unmade bed, and an administrative assistant just overdosed on God knows what. We also had one doctor who made extra money as a stripper and another who bought human organs from a corrupt prison warden. Then there are all those people just show up at the hospital and hang around the nurses station to gossip or yell at each other.

Disgusted Head Nurse

Dear Head Nurse,

I have the perfect solution for you. Apply for a job at Salem University Hospital. It's where my perfect, wonderful, egg-baby is a miracle surgeon. I go there all the time. If you follow this advice, you might get to meet me and get more useful tips in person.

Wisely, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I'm a Salem High student who has been having a bad time lately. My mother doesn't understand me, my Dad turned out to be a rapist, I got arrested, and I'm trying to stay away from drugs. What should I do?

KK

Dear KK,

Take heart. Most children in Salem have dysfunctional parents. I know of several whose mother is going to marry their rapist father. Also, trouble with the law is the norm here. Even that nice lady who runs the Brady Pub landed in a cell once. This means you fit right in. What you need is good friends. There's this nice young man with long hair who hangs around the park and Town Square who seems very upbeat. He's always talking about getting "high." You should look him up. But please, don't bother my perfect egg-baby doctor son. He has enough on his plate already.

Sympathetically, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I fear that the love of my life is hiding something from me. I've followed her about town, stalked her ex-sister-in-law, talked with her son, and I still can't find out what she's doing. Honesty is the cornerstone of our relationship. And I've really changed.

Signed, PJ

Dear PJ,

The most important thing in any relationship is to talk openly and honestly, to hear what the other person has to say. Remember, true love is not finding the perfect person, but finding someone whose imperfections seem perfect to you.

Gracefully, Ruffles McRed

Reply from Victor: Can we talk now Maggie?
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

My wife has left me because I tricked a local psychiatrist into playing a sextape at her stepson's wedding. She somehow thinks this is beyond the pale, and won't return my calls, even though she forgave me for indirectly getting her shot. How do I get her to listen to me?

Waiting patiently and lovingly,
King Snark

Dear King Snark,

I had similar travails in my marriage, which is completely over. My advice is that you call your wife every day until she finally gives in. Eventually she'll listen to reason. But, I must cut this short, as I'm about to meet with my divorce attorney.

Cluelessly, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I was dating this gal, she got pregnant (not by me, but her gay ex). I tried to make sure we were a family, but we broke up after she had the baby on an island after being kidnapped by this guy I had "history" with and aforementioned ex was shot saving me. Since then, I've still been trying to make us be a family, but she won't hear it, she even hit me with a rock and threw me in a river! I know it's just because she loves me, so should I surprise her by waiting for her somewhere wearing only a pillow?

- Slick


Dear Slick,

I think you two just need to TALK. Just get your feelings out there in the open, TALK, TALK, TALK. If that doesn't work, I'm sure she would love the pillow surprise. But you should just keep trying to TALK to her. You'll find your way.

Hugs, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I set my ex-wife up with a great career in New York, and then when I tried to express my true love, she conked me on the head with a rock, and then two grannies tossed me in the Salem River. I need advice fast.

Cold and Wet

Dear Cold and Wet,

First, get out of that river fast. As for your ex-wife, she's typical of people in Salem, a city loaded with ingrates. But don't hold any grudges. As I always say: forgive and forget, especially when it comes to spouses and ex-spouses. Sorry, gotta go. As I told the last poster, I've got to go see my divorce lawyer.

Impatiently, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I think I made a horrible mistake when I accepted to work for a screechy evil blond woman who wanted to get revenge on her fiancé's mother by hurting her son, who's also a half brother, kind of, to the fiancé (try to say that three times really really fast). Now, I'm afraid I might get caught as apparently, a doctor, a TV reporter and the half brother/son victim are trying to find out what happened. What should I do now ?

Dr. Ch.... I mean, Chiquitita

Dear Chiquitita (thanks for the earworm, by the way, this is going to be stuck with me until I finally see the lawyer),

You better pray the doctor after you is not my son, as my son is so perfect he can find you faster than a detector dog can find cocaine. Otherwise, all I can tell you is never, ever get mixed up with evil blonds ever again. It can drive you nuts. Just ask my soon to be ex-husband grandson.
 
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