Facebook posts and Tweets from Salemites, Part 24

DrBakerFan said:
Capt. Miles Standish: Yon Nicole Walker is a fine looking woman, fairer than any maide in Plymouth Plantation.
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Reply from Sami: Oh please. That baby-switching witch is not fairer than me, Salem's good twin. I'm truly radiant, don't ya know??

DrBakerFan said:
Rev. Cotton Mather of Boston: As the Bay Colony's leading minister, I knoweth that Kate Roberts Brady is most assuredly a foul witch.
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Reply from Sami: True that, Cotton Blanket! She's the biggest witch in Salem! Unlike me, who is Salem's most loving, giving, generous person. Plus, I'm the best mother in Salem. Just ask my kids, Charlie, Sally, Lucy, Linus, Rerun, Marcie, Peppermint Patty, Violet, Franklin, Schroeder, Snoopy and baby Woodstock.

Reply from Roman: Dam--- Oh, never mind.
 
Facebook post from Hope to Roman: Hey, Roman, I have a woman for you. Remember Hattie Adams? She wants me to play cupid. You interested?

Reply from Roman: What da' hell?? OK, so wait, a woman actually wants me, AND she looks like Doc? Hell yeah, I'm interested! I'll talk to John and Steve about a prison break.
 
Stray Salem tweets for today.

Claire: Who's Nancy Drew?
Reply from Nancy: OMG, didn't this girl ever read anything when she was a child. I think my next novel should be entitled The Mystery of the Clueless YouTube Singer.

Roman: Woo-hoo. Hattie Adams is hot for me. Could this mean a kiss for me in 2017?
Reply from Giselle van Hopper: Roman, dear, the stress of recent events is clearly getting to you. Please accept my invitation for a candlelight dinner at my posh mansion. If you accept, you'll get a kiss before Christmas.

Steve: Hey, Salem, my Sweetness is the world's sexiest grandmother!
Reply from Sami: SHUT UP. I HATE you! At best, your wife is a very distant second.
 
The latest issue of the sleazy tabloid, the Salem Intruder, is now available for inquiring minds.

Dr. Daniel Jonas Was No Saint: The Intruder Digs Deep for Dirt and Finds Plenty of It!

Where in the World is Abigail Deveraux?: The Top Ten Possible Locations!

Salem Awash in Counterfeit Handbags: The Intruder Tells You Why!

Deimos Kiriakis's Anguish: "Is She Having My Baby!?"

Tales of Lust at the Salem Inn: Its Ten Most Shocking Encounters!

Wedding Shocker: How Heartbroken Lucas Horton Was Left at the Altar by His Dazed and Confused Bride!

Theresa Donovan Flees Salem: The Inside Story of Her Husband's Heartbreak!

Poltergeist Expert Speaks Out: Says Kate Roberts Brady Has Scared the Ghosts Away from Martin House!
 
Tweet from Deimos: I've had enough with Chloe Lane's erratic, selfish, deceptive behavior. I'm officially starting an I Hate Chloe Lane Club.

Reply from Kate: Deimos, we've had our differences, but I'm joining. Chloe once angered me so much that the use of my my secret brownie recipe was necessary,

Reply from Victor: Count me in, little brother, This is the smartest thing you've done since arriving in Salem. I think I'll start similar clubs for those who hold Nicole, Eve, and Vivian in low regard.

Reply from Sami: Does life-ruiner John Black like this Chloe creature? If so, sign me up as a member.

Reply from Clyde: Chloe's from Salem. I hate everyone in Salem. Therefore, I'll join. Are there lower dues for prison inmates?

Reply from Claire: Sign me up. I thought fetching Chloe's coffee and picking up her dry cleaning would lead to big singing career, but instead she just left town without notice. Someday, when I'm a big star like Miley Cyrus and Kelly Clarkson, I'll look down my nose at small-time Chloe.

Reply from Kinsey: I'll join. Thanks to my misguided admiration for Chloe, I once dabbled in prostitution. Yuck.What was I thinking?

Reply from Lucas: Sure Chloe cheated on me with an unshaven doctor, but I'm a lover, not a hater. Gotta go. I've got to out-run Justin to Adrienne's bedside.
 
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Facebook post from Chad: OMG, OMG, OMG, I just professed my love for a new woman and my dead wife shows up. OMG, how does that happen?? What should I do? I'm freaking out here.

Reply from Roman: Been there, done that.

Reply from John: That's a fact!

Reply from Hope: The choice is easier if the new love is a murderer, criminal or con-artist.

Reply from Marlena: Relax, it gets easier each time it happens.

Reply from Kayla: Chad, it's not a big deal, we've all been there.

Reply from Sami: For the love of Pete, how is this a surprise to you, Chad? Your father was the king of "come back from the dead". Just don't get back together with that tramp of a wife and have sex with Gabi on a conference room table so that your kid sees it. It'll ruin his life, trust me!
 
Facebook post from Sami: Hey Salem, here's wishing you your usual common, trite, little Christmas. Instead of tacky ornament hanging nonsense or some second-rate Santa visiting the poor tots at the hospital, my handsome, changed smoochy-moochy and I are enjoying a perfect Christmas. Our tree is perfect, unlike that misshapen, scraggly thing the Hortons have, and is decorated with beautiful, handcrafted ornaments that don't have the names of stoopid people on them. I've just opened perfect gifts from smoochy-moochy and my wonderful children, Dwight & Mamie, Jack & Jackie, Richard & Pat, Ron & Nancy, Jimmy & Rosalyn, etc., etc. Later, we'll enjoy a wonderful meal and drink a toast to the memory of that dear old man, Stefano. And in the true Christmas spirit, I won't close by telling the usual people that I HATE them. That can wait until next week, when I wish them an unhappy New Year.
 
Facebook post from Holly Lane Walker Jonas: Hey, first post here. So how does this all work? Do I get any advance warning on kidnappings? Should I hold off on getting attached to someone until they prove who my real mother is? When do I find out if I had a secret twin? I hear the sainted Daniel Jonas is my dad. When do they check to see if I can also walk on water? Lastly, since my dad was "Horton-adjacent", when do I get my Horton ornament?? I hear you're nobody in this town without one of those things.
 
Facebook post from Roman: {Sigh} Another New Year's Eve without a date. Or a kiss. :cry:

Reply from Sami: It's all that doodyhead John Black's fault. If he hadn't lured mom into that conference room, you'd still be with her. I HATE HIM!

Reply from Roman: {Sigh} I'm so depressed, I don't even have a "Dammit, Sami" in me right now.
 
Reply from Mrs. van Hopper: Roman, dearest, there's no reason to be sad and lonely. Stop by my mansion for a New Year's Day drink and you're sure to get a kiss and even more. :) (I've given the servants the day off.)

Reply from Sami: Hey Ms. Moneybags, stop coming on to my father! 2017 is the year that Mom finally wises up and dumps that dorky, stoopid, make-believe private-eye, and life-ruiner, John Black, and comes back to him! P.S., I HATE you!
 
Reply from Hattie Adams: Hey, Roman, forget this van Pooper lady and come here to the prison. I got lots of kisses for you. Plus, I look like your old wife, that Marlena lady. Except I'm younger and prettier!
 
Reply from Hattie: Don't make me laugh, you screecher. I'm a rough, tough convict. Mess with me and you'll go home in a bucket!

Reply from Sami: Don't make me laugh. I've spent a lifetime going up against that hag of all hags, Kate Roberts, and you're a pussy cat compared to that devious, homicidal creature.

Second reply from Sami: And don't think I wouldn't use lethal force. If I'd shoot my smoochy-moochy in the head after he made me mad, think of what I'd do to you.
 
Tweet from Prague resident no. 1: OMG, I was just online and learned that we're about to be invaded!

Reply from resident no. 2: Russian paratroopers?

Reply from resident no. 3: OMG, not the Germans again!

Reply from resident no. 4: Hordes of foreign twenty-somethings hoping to party and get drunk at the bars and clubs?

Reply from resident no. 5: Space aliens?

Reply from resident no. 1: No, some group of amateur detectives from a city called Salem in the U.S. who are looking for a local criminal mastermind who's supposed to be here. Their leader is some guy named John Black.

Reply from Sami: Watch out for him! He's a life-ruiner and a big, giant doodyhead with a taste for erotic encounters on tabletops! I HATE him and you will too!
 
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Facebook post from Stefano to Deimos: What kind of villain arrrrre you? You want to get that baby's DNA and you send John Black's dim-witted son with some Q-tips and a ziplock baggie? Just have the baby kidnapped, hide her away in a plush location with a nice woman to care for her. I'll give you Anna DiMera's number. Have the DNA test taken, get the results, then pretend to find and rescue the kidnapped child. You young villains make me sick with your ineptitude.
 
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