Facebook posts and Tweets from Salemites, Part 25

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(I'm sorry I didn't post this when it actually happened. I didn't think of this until now)

Brady Black: I got shot by my cousin and survived.

The Ghost of Sirius Black: Lucky *bleep*.
 
Facebook post from Sami to Claire: OMG, what's the big deal?? You took a letter from your boyfriend's bag, written by another girl, so he wouldn't see it. Big whoop. At your age I had already run away from home in Colorado, shot a guy in the family jewels, changed my baby-sister's blood type in the hospital computer system, then kidnapped and sold her on the black market (because of what your doodyhead grandfather did when he ruined my life), drugged your Uncle Austin and made him think we had sex, slept with your cousin Lucas, got pregnant with your cousin Will, barged into your stoopid Aunt Carrie's wedding to tell them Austin was my baby-daddy, then switched Will's blood-type in the hospital computer to cover my tracks once he was born. And you're worried about hiding a letter?? Ugh. Child's play. Go back to Romper Room, little girl.
 
Facebook post from Joey to Roman: Uncle Roman, I just feel so guilty about killing my brother's mom. I want to confess so we can heal and move on. Is that what I should do?

Reply from Roman: Dammit, Sami!

Reply from Joey: What???

Reply from Roman: Never mind, force of habit.

Reply from Joey: But what do you suggest I should do?

Reply from Roman: I don't know buddy. After "what da' hell?" and "dammit, Sami", I've got nothin'. Maybe ask John for advice.

Reply from John: Sorry man, but after "that's a fact", I'm out, too.
 
Facebook post from Joey Johnson: I killed Ava! Finally, the truth is out, I killed Ava Vitali and I'm ready to face the consequences. Lt. Raines, come arrest me, I killed Ava.

Reply from Raines: Hold on a minute. You say you killed Ava Vitali?

Reply from Joey: Yes, that's what I said.

Reply from Raines: But did you have anything to do with the murder of Deimos Kiriakis??

Reply from Joey: No, just Ava.

Reply from Raines: Get lost, kid. I have my hands full here with trying to figure out just who killed Deimos. I don't have time for your nonsense.
 
Reply from Joey: No, please! Arrest me!! I can't deal with with my overwhelming sense of guilt unless I go to jail! :cry::cry:

Reply from Eric: Kid, I feel your pain. I suggest that you drop by the Horton Center and pick up copy of my new book, Surviving Your Guilt Trip for Dummies.
 
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Reply from Sami: Oh please! Joey only killed some psycho, who among other things, was responsible for the death of Grandpa Shawn. It's like when I shot that Bernardi guy or when we thought we killed Nick. No great loss. But you...you killed the sainted Daniel Jonas. No wonder you're the bad twin and I'm truly radiant as the good twin.
 
Facebook post from Sami: Hey everybody, look, this is me, doing a happy dance because my mom dumped John Black, who is the biggest life-ruining doodyhead to ever live!

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Reply from Marlena: You go, girl! Get down with your bad self! John Black is an old poop!

Reply from Sami: You bet I am, mom! Are you going to get back with daddy? He's the bestest man in the world, well, except for my sweet, changed smoochy-moochy!

Reply from Marlena: Roman better look out, because I'm coming for him with a lotta hot lovin!

Reply from Sami: :love::love::love::love::love:

Reply from Eric: Wait, wait, hold up. Mom, you just called John an "old poop", you've not corrected Sami for being snarky and you're going after dad? Something seems off, but I can't put my finger on it.

Reply from Sami: Who cares what you think, bad twin?? Mom kicked John Black to the curb where he belongs, with the rats. He can go live with one of my stoopid sisters for all I care.

Reply from Marlena: You tell 'em, Sami girl! Hey, let's go get some drinks to celebrate!

Reply from Eric: :huh:
 
Reply from Lucas: Sorry, Sami, but the biggest life-ruiner in Salem is definitely Adrienne Kiriakis. I knocked myself out to win the big dating contest with Justin and then she suddenly dumps me. :sad:

Reply from Justin: Lucas is right, Adrienne is the biggest life-ruiner. Despite our long married life, she didn't overlook my little lapse with Elsa. Couldn't she give a guy a break? Hey, I'm only human.

Reply from Little Trippy: Jade Michaels is the biggest life-ruiner. Because of her lies I almost murdered Kayla! How could I have been taken in by that little schemer.

Reply from Ghost Will: No, Paul Narita is the biggest life-ruiner. He was constantly tempting Sonny and trying to spoil our happy life. And now that I'm gone, he's won. :cry:

Reply from Victor: Rubbish! The biggest life-ruiners are the scheming tramps of Salem: Nicole Walker, Chloe Lane, Eve Larson, Kate Roberts, and Vivian Alamain. And let's not forget Summer Townsend. Thank God, we eventually dodged that psycho bullet!

Reply from Ghost Stefano: How quickly they forget. It wasn't so long ago that I was blamed for everything bad that happened in Salem. However, it seems as if the locals are succeeding in making themselves miserable without me. :)
 
Facebook post from Sami: I've heard that Mom has said that I was a crying, noisy baby. This is totally untrue! Poor old Mom's memory must be getting as Swiss cheesy as John Black's. In fact, I was the nicest, sweetest, pleasantest infant ever. Stoopid, trampy Carrie was the personification of Chucky the demon doll and doodyhead Eric, the bad twin, was a whining, crying, demanding little brat who was always messing in his Pampers. Finally, isn't it great that Mom has finally gone back to Daddy. Hey, John Black, Mom's done with you! That's a fact!!!
 
Facebook post from Salem University Press: Salem University Press proudly announces its new line of children's books just in time for back to school. All are available at the University Press website and the Salem Barnes & Noble.

The Smith Island Raccoons Visit a Gun Shop. in this exciting tale, the beleaguered Smith Island raccoons whose quaint island home has repeatedly been invaded by dysfunctional Salemites, take a stand by getting locked and loaded.

Horton Eats a Salemite. No, this Horton doesn't hear a Who. He's the Salem Bengal tiger who strikes a blow for sanity in his adopted home town by eliminating some of its biggest troublemakers. His first target is a scheming woman whose flunkies have stolen the lives of honest Salem wives and mothers.

The Forest Preserve Bear Goes Bar Hopping. Children will love this story of how the lovable bear visits the dumpsters behind various Salem bars and clubs looking for a tasty meal. They'll love it that the bear only eats foods that he likes, not that icky stuff that mothers force on their children.

Pookie: A Friend Indeed. This charming story tells the story of Pookie the little dog who provides encouragement and solace to his mistress who is always being mistreated by jealous women rivals and faithless boyfriends. All young readers would love to have a friend like Pookie.
 
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Facebook post from Joey: Goodbye Salem. I finally told the truth about killing Ava. The DA made me a deal and I'm going to prison. Farewell everybody, it's been a real blast.

Reply from Sami: What kind of doodyhead ADMITS to murder after being in the clear?? Did I serve time for shooting EJ in the head? Did Will do time for shooting EJ in the back? Did I do time for trying to kill Nick in the Salem river? Talk about a newbie in the murder game. You're young. You'll learn. In the meantime, I've made up a gift basket for you, so you can always have a bright smile and be truly radiant behind bars.
 
Reply from Joey: Gee, thanks Sami. I can really use these great Truly Radiant products. I'll have the brightest smile at my new prison, Camp Country Club. It will help me make lots of new, interesting friends. And, gosh, I wish I'd known about all these other attempted homicides in Salem. I might not have felt so bad about doing in Ava if I knew lots of people in Salem had tried something similar. Oh well, after I get out in a few weeks or months like Gabi did after killing that dopey Nick Fallon guy, I'll have lots of great stories to tell everyone. Say hello to all your children for me -- Johnny, Sydney, Allie, Jack, Jill, the Hill, and whoever.
 
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Facebook post from Julie to Eli: Darling, you should get to be better friends with that nice Commissioner Raines. You can just tell he's a good, upstanding guy by his eyes. I'm always a good judge of character.

Reply from Eli: Uhhh, sure, like your "darling Nicky"?

Reply from Julie: See, you already know me so well! Nick was an angel who had the misfortune of loving that wretched Gabi.

Reply from Eli: Well Grandma, you are correct. Raines ranks right up there with your "darling Nicky", no doubt about it.
 
Reply from Julie: Oh, Eli, darling, I just knew you'd see things my way. And yes, Nicky was a true prince of men and a certified genius. As I said, his downfall was caused by awful women. That tramp Melanie Jonas caused him to lose his composure and kill the distinguished Dr. Trent Robbins (he was so smart and handsome), and the awful Gabi caused him to lose his mind completely. If only he'd developed a relationship with that nice Willow Stark.

Reply from Eli: Uh, thanks for the history lesson Grandma.

Reply from Julie: And did I ever tell you about how cruel Gabi, screechy Sami Brady, and witchy Kate Roberts once threw dear Nicky into the ice-cold Salem River.

Reply from Eli: This is good to know Grandma. I think I'll start wearing a life preserver. Thanks so much.

Reply from Julie: You're very welcome dear. The next time you're free, why don't you stop by and I can show you the pictures from the recent cruises that I took with Doug. They're fascinating unlike ordinary people's tacky vacation photos.
 
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Facebook post from James Bond to John Black: Mr. Black, my 98 year old mum could've gotten out of that sanitarium. You are an embarrassment to our profession. Good day, sir.

Facebook post from MacGyver to John Black: Really, man? That was the best you could do? And you still ended up getting nailed with a stun gun? My dog could've gotten out of that.

Facebook post from Timothy McGee (NCIS) to John Black: My boss, Jethro Gibbs, said he has no time for your foolishness. But if he did, he'd slap you in the back of the head.

Facebook post from Jonathan Hart to John Black: If you had ever watched my show, Hart to Hart, you'd know I ALWAYS saved my wife. Shame on you.
 
Facebook post from Sami: Hey, Salemites, I've heard that frowny, barking old Raines has lost his job because of certain nefarious activities and Salem now needs a new police commissioner. Contact pompous Mayor Abe immediately to tell him that Salem needs another Brady in charge of the police and that I'm the natural choice. My poor Daddy has done his bit and needs a rest and lots of free time to try to get some more kisses (but not from Kate the hag). Carrie would be a joke. She couldn't even find lost cats, so how could she catch crooks? And the sad sack bad twin would be hopeless. He's spend all his time in his office stressing over his past misdeeds. In contrast, I'd bring the dynamism and commanding presence the job needs. Make me police commissioner and the cops (especially old Granny Hope) will actually do police work, fear-stricken common criminals would flee town, no felonious blasts from the past would dare to return, life-ruining John Black would go back into a coma, grouchy Victor would stick to warm milk and home-baked cookies, naughty-boy Andre would behave himself, Jenny would shut up at last, and Kate the hag would stop baking her special brownies. With me in charge, the Salem P.D. would be almost as classy as my handsome, changed EJ.
 
Reply from Roman: Dammit, Sami! You didn't even finish high school.

Reply from Marlena: Sami, dear, how can you run the Salem PD when you don't even know how many children you have or what their names are?

Reply from John: Just so you know, I managed to save your mother from a sanitarium.

Reply from Marlena: John, dear, that was Paul.

Reply from Kate: Sami, how about a plate of nice, warm brownies?
 
Sami responds to the less-than-positive reactions to her becoming police commissioner.

Reply from Roman: Dammit, Sami! You didn't even finish high school. [Oh, Daddy, who needs stoopid high school when you're as brilliant and truly radiant as I am?]

Reply from Marlena: Sami, dear, how can you run the Salem PD when you don't even know how many children you have or what their names are? [So what, Mom. Who needs to know the cops' names? All you have to do is make sure that they're not shacked up on duty like stoopid Lani and delinquent JJ or fretting about personal business like old Granny Hope.]

Reply from John: Just so you know, I managed to save your mother from a sanitarium. [No you didn't, you big doodyhead. I know that it was my wonderful daddy who rode to Mom's rescue. Stop taking credit for what other people do, you big life-ruining creep!]

Reply from Marlena: John, dear, that was Paul. [Mom, is Paul one of my children? I hope so. Wouldn't it be great if one of them saved you instead of that has-been, broken-down, table-top sexual athlete, doodyhead John Black.]

Reply from Kate: Sami, how about a plate of nice, warm brownies? [Put a sock in it you old hag. I'd eat a plate of mother-of-a-tramp Jenny's special donuts or a whole platter of luke-warm Wanchai Ferry before I'd touch anything coming from the likes of you.]
 
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Facebook post by Salem's bookmakers: Salemites, odds are now out on who or what is in Will Horton's grave. Place your bets now!

100-1: Will Horton
80-1: Horton the Tiger
50-1: Missing Clyde Weston flunky Jeremiah
30-1: Missing faithless DiMera flunky Sy
15-1: Missing fugitives Jeremy Horton or Owen Kent
10-1: a pile of rocks
8-1: Yo Daddy or Orpheus
5-1: Fred the Elephant
3-1: DVDs holding Eric's old personality
1-2: Bundles of unsold copies of Sonix magazine, which had one of Will's articles as the cover story.
 
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