Letters to Salemites, Part 2

DrBakerFan

DrBakerFan

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Dear Commissioner Brady,

After having been on active duty for a week, I have formulated some suggestions to improve the reputation and effectiveness of the Salem P.D.

1) Make criminals afraid of us. How about tossing them over a cliff like Nick Nolte in Mulholland Falls or working suspects over with telephone books and rubber hoses?

2) Get rid of the deadwood and felons. I have a feeling that the Salem P.D. has potential murderers and cover-up artists in its ranks.

3) Remember past charges against wanted felons. We simply can't let these people walk because somebody has forgotten charges from a few years ago.

4) Eliminate DiMera mania. Yes, the DiMeras are bad, but they simply can't be responsible for every crime that happens in Salem. Remember Ben Weston?

5) Inform ignorant Salemites that when they spot wanted felons they should call 911 instead of leaving messages on your voice mail.

Sincerely,
Officer JJ Deveraux
 
Dear Mr. Weston,

Thank you for your email inquiring about vacancies at the Salem Inn. We do have some fine rooms available, but we do not offer discounts for fugitives from the law nor wake-up calls if the police charge into our premises seeking to arrest them. We also believe that if our guests learned that the escaped necktie strangler was staying with us, it might cause an unwanted wave of early check-outs and/or reservation cancellations. May we suggest that you make inquiries to Martin House, which appears not to be too choosy about to whom they rent their rooms, And should they decline to accommodate you, there's always a comfy bench in Salem Park.

Sincerely,
Salem Inn Reservations Dept.
 
Dear Dr. Evans,

Unfortunately, we must increase the premiums on your kidnapping insurance policy, which indemnifies you for the loss of income, physical injuries, and emotional upset caused by being kidnapped. It has now come to our attention that you have once again been kidnapped, this time by persons unknown. Less than a year ago, we paid your claim relating to your being kidnapped and taken to Italy by Mr. Stefano DiMera. After his untimely death, we were prepared to reduce your premium, but this latest incident indicates that as long as you are married to that hapless target of all evil-doers, Mr. John Black, your risk of being kidnapped is as high as ever and possibly even higher. Should you wish to discuss this premium increase after your release by this latest set of abductors, please to not hesitate to call.

Yours truly,
Salem Mutual Insurance Company
 
Dear Mr. Yo-Ling,

It has come to my attention that you, members of something called the Phantom Alliance, and a couple of alleged hostages are currently occupying an empty warehouse, which is owned by the Real Estate Division of DiMera Enterprises. Landowners in Salem are tired of assorted criminal types such as yourself randomly taking over their cabins, warehouses, etc. for their own bizarre uses. Therefore, unless you immediately vacate the premises, we will be sending several experienced, heavily-armed operatives to send you and your deluded followers to join your ancestors. These men are far more accomplished than the rag-tag Salem P.D., which recently routed your incompetent gunmen, so take a hint, take a hike, and stay alive (at least for a few more days).

S. Shin
Trustee, DiMera Enterprises
Head, DiMera Enterprises Real Estate Division
 
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Dear Mr. DiMera,
Are you prepared for the next big Salem blackout? If you're like most Salem homeowners, you are probably not ready for the next time that deep darkness descends on our community and evildoers skulk though the windy, rainswept or snow-covered streets hoping to terrorize honest citizens. Salem Home Generators has a fine selection of models that will easily keep the beautiful, historic DiMera Mansion and its grounds lit up like a Christmas tree during the next dangerous blackout. Our models are so easy to use that even cavemen and your butler can operate them. So don't delay, call Salem Home Generators today for a free consultation.

Sincerely
Salem Home Generators, Sales Division
 
Dear Ms. Brady,

Thank you for your telephone inquiry as to when your home repairs will be completed. We realize that we gave you an estimate of one month, but to paraphrase the Geico Three Brothers Moving commercial, it was just an estimate, it wasn't real. And in addition to the smoke and fire damage, we also found other problems: holes punched in various walls, presumably by your late husband when he was venting over failing to "bring down" the DiMeras; plumbing clogged with old Brady Burger wrappers and torn pages from the Salem Intruder; old surveillance wiring in a main-floor closet, which had "EJ Was Here" written on the walls; and evidence of a raccoon invasion in the attic along with graffiti saying, "Stay Away from Smith Island."

Sincerely,
Salem Five Brothers Home Renovations and Repair
Ethan, Jose, Vladimir, Gregorios, and Jamal
 
coon2.jpg
 
Dear Ms. Walker,
We here at Rockin' WSLM, the musical voice of Salem, are thrilled to hear about your new fashion company, DJ-Wear. Frankly our DJs are scruffier than the late Dr. Daniel Jonas and the unfortunates who sleep in Salem Park, and they are badly in need of a sartorial upgrade. When we hold rockin' in-person events at Salem venues, their appearance is a total embarrassment. Please send us your latest catalog immediately,

Sincerely,
Juicy Brucie Kasem
Station Manager, WSLM Radio
 
Dear Mr. Johnson,
Thank you for your inquiry regarding a complimentary room at our fine hotel. Unfortunately, we do not offer free lodging to troubled teens who are running away to California to "get their parents attention." Who do you think we are, the Salem Inn or Martin House? However, if you are set on your foolish course, may we suggest that you and your clueless female companion sleep on the beach. Better yet, stay home. We already have enough dysfunctional people here in Southern California.

Reservations Department
Beverly Hills Hilton
 
Dear Dr. Baker,

Thank you for your letter of inquiry regarding mental health treatment for your fellow inmate Mr. Ben Weston. Reports that Mr. Weston is having nightmares about the people whom he's strangled and imagines that his former fiancee is setting fire to him certainly seem to indicate that he needs help. However, we note that outside prison you were an OB-GYN and are not qualified on mental health matters. We also cannot give credence to memos from two inmates, Mr. Vargas and Mr. Xander Cook, that Salem women are sure to drive anyone crazy. Unlike health institutions in Salem, we here at Shady Hills Psychiatric Hospital are highly professional and follow all proper procedures. May we suggest that you alert the prison psychiatrist about Mr. Weston's condition and let him/her handle things from there.

Sincerely,
Patient Evaluation Dept.
Shady Hills Psychiatric Hospital
 
Dear Mr. Hans,

Unfortunately, we must reject you application to join the Salem Butler's Association. We have it on good authority that you obtained you position because your employer, Mr. Deimos Kiriakis, extorted the Kiriakis mansion and other valuable property from its former owner, Mr. Victor Kiriakis. Only butlers in the employ of solid Salem citizens quality for our association. We are also unimpressed by your credentials. Having watched every episode of Upstairs, Downstairs and Downton Abbey scarcely qualifies someone to be a butler at a fine home.

Sincerely,

Salem Butlers Association Membership Committee
Mr. Harold, Butler to Mr. Chadsworth DiMera
Mr. Davenport, Butler to Ms. Giselle van Hopper
 
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To: Dr. Kayla Johnson
Dr. Fynn ("the Dingo") Thompson
From: Centers for Disease Control

We have thoroughly examined your reports and biological samples relating to an epidemic, which you characterize as "Yo-Daddy flu." Please be advised that this outbreak is simply a case of Soap Opera Plague ("SOP"). SOP only breaks out when writers are short of ideas and hope to create some cheap drama by having multiple characters become deathly ill. Please be assured that in most cases only a few fringe persons die from it and members of the in-crowd recover remarkably rapidly with no after-effects. In fact, within a few days, they will forget they ever had this so-called disease. If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact us.
 
Dear Mr. Johnson,

I received your mass email sent to all low-cost hotels/motels in Southern California, which indicates that you are currently seeking information about your son and his girl friend who are reportedly traveling here on a motorcycle. Please be advised that they have not been guests at my fine motel, have not had any untoward experiences in any of my motel room showers, and their bodies are not currently hidden in the swamp behind my premises. Finally, if during your search you're in the vicinity, stop by any time. Mother and I would love to see you.

Sincerely,
Norman Bates
Proprietor, Bates Motel
 
Dear Mr. Black,

I am a respectable woman from Fall River, MA, who was recently acquitted of the awful murders of my dear father and horrid stepmother (I HATED her). Although the jury wisely agreed that I was innocent, nasty, snobby women here avoid me on the street and when I to my church they change pews so they won't have to sit near me. Even though I've used father's money to buy a fine new home in the best part of town, I need a break from Fall River and my annoying old maid sister, Emma. I've heard that you have been kind to women in distress. Can you help me?

Sincerely,
Lizbeth Andrew Borden (Lizzie)

Dear Lizzie,

Pack your bags and head for Salem immediately. You can stay at the beautiful Salem Inn or the historic Martin House, and if they're full, you can move right in with me, my wife, and our darling son, Tater Tot. My wife, Theresa, won't mind. She's very understanding -- at least some of the time. See you soon,

Your new best friend,
Brady
 
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Hey Lizzie,

I see you hated your stepmother. Was she a life ruiner like my stoopid stepfather, John Black? I feel like we'd have a lot in common.

While I am Salem's best mother and best business woman, I am in need of friends. I mean, my 12 children take up some of my time (haha, who am I kidding, I haven't seen them in weeks) but I could use girl talk with a like-minded individual.

If you want to be my friend, I'll hook you up with some Truly Radiant gift bags!

Salem's Good Twin,

Samantha Gene Brady DiMera Hernandez Horton Reed Walker
 
Dearest Samantha,

Thank you for your kind letter. I am looking forward to meeting you. You sound like my kind of woman. I can't stand stuffy society snobs or domestic drudges who constantly hover over their children. I also can't abide vulgar older women who try to look younger by putting blue chunks in their hair. And yes, my horrid step-mother was a life ruiner! She didn't have a blue chunk, but I'm absolutely certain that this odious creature was going to get father to leave her his entire fortune and leave me and poor Emma out in the cold. Well, she got what she deserved, ha,ha. Perhaps, that wretched John Black, whom you mentioned in your letter, could suffer the same fate! Finally, I would be most interested in receiving some Truly Radiant products. The dreary shops here in Fall River are stuck in the 1890s and don't carry them.

Cordially,
Lizbeth
 
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Brady's positive response to Lizzie Borden is causing other notorious women from the past to reach out to him. Jeannie T. won't be happy.

Dear Mr. Black,

I am a poor Irish woman who's trying to earn a meager living as a cook in New York City. Unfortunately, the local authorities have gotten it into their foolish heads that I'm spreading typhoid fever. These meanies have even quarantined me a few times, and some cruel people are now calling me "Typhoid Mary." I've heard that you are a welcoming port in the storm for troubled women. Can you help me? Please say yes.

Sincerely,
Mary Mallon

Dear Mary,

Take the first bus for Salem today. I'm sure that the kindly lady who runs Martin House will put you up. (After all, she's now hosting a sketchy lawyer who was thought to be dead not long ago.) And I'll speak to owner of Salem's best Irish bar, the Brady Pub, about putting you to work in the kitchen. As for the typhoid thing, don't worry about it. If the worst happens and an epidemic strikes Salem, the Mighty Fynn, the miracle doctor who recently swatted aside the deadly Yo-Daddy Flu will cure any and all victims in a Salem second.

See you soon,
Brady
 
Dear Ms. Roberts,
Last night, two members of the Salem Birdwatchers Club, who were hoping to spot some barred owls, saw you litter the shores of the beautiful Salem River with a filthy, bloodstained handkerchief. They promptly retrieved this foul object and deposited it in a suitable waste basket. Your demonstrated lack of respect for Salem's natural beauty is appalling and if you should again be seen littering we will be forced to alert the proper authorities.

Sternly,
Robin Hawke Wrenn, President
Giselle van Hopper, Chief Financial Benefactor
 
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