Letters to Salemites, Part 2

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Barred Owl: "Hey, Kate. I saw what you did. Stay
away from the Salem River -- or else."
 
Dear Ms. Bernard,

Your inquiry regarding the alleged disappearance of you brother, Clark Bernard, has been received by the Salem P.D. Please be advised that without further evidence, our officers cannot investigate this matter. They are far too busy watching an infamous local career criminal and a crooked lawyer who recently returned from the dead, searching for a recently-vanished sister of one of our officers, and pursuing their own all-important and thoroughly tangled personal lives. In addition, we have no reason to suspect the person whom you named as being involved in Mr. Bernard's so-called disappearance. This person is the long-lost daughter of a leading Salemite, and we have it on very good authority that she's "changed."

Sincerely,
Commissioner Roman Brady

P.S., if you're reasonably attractive, how about meeting me for a drink and maybe more. I haven't had a kiss in years.
 
Dear Melissa,

It's been so long since we have talked or seen each other and I all but forgot I had two daughters. I've been so busy. You know I buried my long lost son that you never even met. It would have been nice to see you at the funeral. Then I found another long lost daughter. You will probably never meet her either.

Of course you may have heard that my husband's brother drugged me so I fell down the stairs and can't walk. No need for you to bother yourself about that. Looks like I'm going to have a risky operation, but someone will let you know how it turns out.

By the way, your two cousins, Jen and Hope, you may remember them, they both could have used your support too. They both have been through hell. Don't give it a thought though. My husband has also returned to the dark side since he lost everything. Don't bother your sister with any of this. I know you have your own lives to live.

By the way, we are also dealing with a family kidnapping, Abby was in a mental institution and is now missing. We have suffered several deaths recently, but don't you worry your pretty little head about it. I haven't heard from Nathan. You would think a doctor in the family would check in. Oh well. That's about it.
Love, Momma Maggie:love::sarcasm:

edited to write out text-speak - please remember that many members don't text and have no clue what the abbreviations mean - JS
 
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Dear Mrs. Caroline Brady

We understand that you have experienced psychic activity in Salem, and that several Salem mites (or is it Salemites?) have reported visitation by spirits. We are planning a visit to Salem to investigate and evaluate these events. We would like to meet with you at your esteemed family Pub for a meal of Wanchai Ferry before we initiate our investigation. If you are able to summon or speak with the specters of the departed but still appearing Salem mites (or is it Salemites?), please have them present or available for this meeting.

Sincerely

The Joint Firm of Ghostbusters and the Society for Psychical Research
 
Dear Claire,

I'm very sorry to hear that your stoopid parents are pressuring you to go to college. After all, what can trained professionals with years of music experience teach you? How stoopid! And what do my sister and her husband know anyway? Your mother used to think that really stoopid Philip Kiriakis was the cat's meow and your dad once consorted with town tramp Willow Stark. (He only has a job because my Daddy took pity on him.) And look at me. I never wasted one minute in some stoopid college and I've had big jobs and am fabulously wealthy. Then check out the Salem doodyheads who did go to college -- that stoopid tool D.A. Justin, shyster lawyer Aiden, and that trampy Abigail who went bonkers. What losers!

Good luck, Aunt Sami
P.S., your cousins Hickory, Dickory, Dock, Mouse, and Clock all say hi.
 
Dear Mayor Carver,

I am writing to express my outrage at your selection of the incompetent and corrupt shyster lawyer, Aiden Jennings as the new district attorney. Wasn't our community embarrassed enough in the eyes of the world when Salem's riff-raff trooped to the polls to elect the unspeakable EJ DiMera as mayor? Be assured that I will be using my considerable influence and unlimited monetary resources to oppose your reelection. It's time to elect the last honest man in Salem, the brilliant, incorruptible, handsome, charming Roman Brady as mayor.

Very truly yours,
Giselle van Hopper
President, Salem Women's Club; President, Salem Improvement Society; President, Salem Historical Society; Chairperson, Friends of the Smith Island Raccoons Society; President, Salem Chapter of the Daughters of the American Revolution; Trustee, Salem University; President, Salem School Board; Chairperson, Salem Philharmonic Society; Chairperson, Friends of the Salem Natural History Museum; President, Salem Birdwatchers Club; Chairperson, Annual Salem Charities Drive; Chairperson, Salem Links Membership Committee; President, Salem Landmarks Commission; Chief Trustee, Salem Public Library Board; Chairperson, Committee to Clean Up the Salem River and Salem Harbor.
 
Dear Hope,

It's me, your cousin and one time BFF (best friend forever), Melissa. I know I haven't really kept in touch but my mom (your Aunt Maggie) wrote me recently and there is all kinds of stuff going in Salem. I know you are busy with work and Rafe and all, but thought I'd fill you in.

Speaking of my mom (your Aunt Maggie), she's been paralyzed but just had surgery so should be better any day now. She'd probably like it if you went to see her. I guess I have a sister named Summer. Since you're an awesome detective will you check out her story for me please? If you go visit, Mom doesn't live in the mansion anymore, Victor (my step-dad, your sort-of father-in-law) had all of his money stolen so they live in a condo now.

Your coworker (and son) Shawn got divorced and is now working things out with his wife. By the way, Ciara's cute friend, Claire, is their daughter, and your granddaughter!! You should go hear her sing sometime!

Speaking of Ciara, she's in love with Chad!!! She may need more than an eyebrow raise from you.

I have heartbreaking news for you regarding Jen (our other cousin and former BFF and your former roommate). She's addicted to drugs (again), is taking the news of Abby's death very hard (hopefully somebody thought to call you and let you know Abby died) and is suing Chad for custody of Thomas. Thomas is your infant cousin. Jen could probably use a friend/cousin/roommate right now! Speaking of Jen's kids, you may have seen him at work, but just in case, JJ has joined the police force. I bet he'd love it if you congratulated him.

I'm not sure if you've kept in touch with the Brady's since Bo died, but just FYI, Kayla, Steve and Joey are kind of a hot mess and Theresa's (your and Bo's niece) baby has been kidnapped.

I know you love your family a great deal so I thought I'd keep you in the loop. Love you, Melissa
 
Dear Ms. Deveraux,

It has come to my attention that you have not reported to work for months and are instead at home indulging your taste for vodka and pharmaceuticals while planning to take your grandchild from its hapless father. We are aware that as an exalted Horton, you can't be dismissed, and understand that you are suffering extreme emotional distress because of the reported death of your perfect daughter. However, we really need to know if you ever intend to report back to work or instead plan to permanently rely on the Salem Money Tree for financial support.

I look forward to your prompt reply,

Byrnes B. Burns
University Hospital Chief Administrator
 
Dear Mr. Burns,

As I am no longer working at your so-called hospital, I must express my dissatisfaction with my experiences there. Contrary to your promises, opportunities for resume-building miracle surgeries were almost non-existent. Instead, the place was filled with dithering idiots visiting friends and relatives who were suffering from some kind of soap-opera-like medical crisis. In addition, the young women employees and patients were remarkably unfriendly and amazingly resistant to my handsome visage and manly Aussie accent. Finally, if my services were no longer wanted, you could have handled it more professionally that erecting a fence around the hospital with signs that were similar to the one pictured below.

Angrily yours,
Fynn "Dingo" Thompson, M.D.

dingo-dog-fence-300x225.jpg
 
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Salem's social elite is becoming impatient over the Salem P.D.'s inability to capture the Orpheus Gang as the letter below from Giselle van Hopper, the leader of Salem Society, reveals.

Dearest Roman,
I am sorry to inform you that highly-influential members of Salem's social elite are becoming increasingly impatient by the failure of the police force to capture the gang of ruffians who are terrorizing our city. They are doubly annoyed because all this upset was caused by a small group of Salem citizens whose vulgar, irregular lives have drawn dangerous criminals to this area. I have defended you at every turn to the well-connected, but they are now threatening to complain directly to the governor and the state attorney general. Please urge your fine officers to act quickly and apprehend the evil-doers, and above all you should no longer tolerate interference by self-appointed vigilantes like the awful Brady Black and the well-meaning, but blundering Black Patch private investigators.

Love,
Giselle

P.S., when this unpleasantness is over, why don't you drop by my mansion for drinks and an intimate dinner.
 
Dear Uncle Deimos,

Greetings from Athens where I'm now making sure that all of your operations are running smoothly and raking in the drachmas. Congratulations on gaining control of Titan. That's quite a coup. Someday, I'm looking forward to seeing the expressions on the faces of nasty old Uncle Victor's wretched flunkies, Brady, Philip, Justin, and Sonny when you call a meeting in the mansion living room and name me as your heir apparent. Also, I'm very sorry that you're having all that trouble with the treacherous Nicole Walker. I could have told you that she was not to be trusted. When push comes to shove, she always chooses her loser Salem friends over real men. Should you ever decide to dispose of her either temporarily or permanently, I know of a crawl space in the Titan Building that would be perfect.

Your loving nephew,
Xander
 
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To: Mr. Bradley Bush
From: Giselle van Hopper, President of the Salem Country Club
Re: Membership

Please be advised that the memberships of you and your wife, Victoria, to the Country Club are hereby immediately terminated. We have been advised that you have invested in DiMera Enterprises, a decidedly unsavory corporation, and were seen dining in the very lowbrow Town Square with Mr. Chadsworth DiMera and Gabriella Hernandez, a convicted murderer. These activities are far below the standards of conduct expected of Salem's best people and are completely intolerable. Also intolerable is the practice of Ms. Bush of engaging in an activity vulgarly known as "footsie" in the dining room with every attractive man under the age of forty. May I suggest that you be more careful in your investments and keep a closer eye on your wife?

Dearest Roman,
A membership vacancy has just occurred at the elite Salem Country Club. Please accept my invitation to join.

Love,
Giselle
 
Dear Mr. Kiriakis,

Several Salem Bar Association members were courtroom spectators at yesterday's legal proceedings in which Hope Brady was sentenced. After reviewing their comments on your performance, we have decided to send you the enclosed complimentary copy of Criminal Defense Law and Tactics for Dummies. We also strongly encourage you to sign up for several of our outstanding continuing legal education classes. They include Everything You Don't Know About Criminal Law but Were Afraid to Ask, Winning Defense Arguments in Salem Murder Cases, and Successfully Defending Members of Salem's In-Crowd.

Petty Fogger
Chairman, Continuing Legal Education Committee
Salem Bar Association
 
To: Ms Chloe Lane
From: Chicagoland United Fertility Clinics, Inc.

Ms Lane,

It has come to our attention that one of our secretaries erroneously informed you that the paperwork you signed with Dr Daniel Jonas and Ms Nicole Walker in September 2015 gave you the authority to seek a secondary procedure using their genetic material. We regret to inform you that this is not the case. Please disregard this advice and by no means act upon the incorrect information.

Thank you,

Dr Frederick R. Tility,
Director, Chicagoland UFC
 
Dear Nanny Megan,
Thank you for your letter inquiring how the often-divorced Lucas Roberts and the divorced Adrienne Kiriakis could be married at St. Luke's. As a good Catholic woman, you must be aware that if the Church deems a person's past marriage(s) to be invalid, it can issue a declaration of nullity. In Mr. Horton's case, he was married to the infamous Sami Brady and the erratic Chloe Lane, both of who are so dysfunctional that it's doubtful that they could ever enter into a valid marriage. Similarly, Mr. Horton was also married to Nicole Walker who is so confused about relationships that she actually wed EJ DiMera and is now consorting with a professional criminal, Deimos Kiriakis. As for Adrienne Kiriakis, any examination of her tumultuous relationship with her former husband leaves no doubt that both of them lacked the state of mind required for a valid marriage.

See you on Sunday and don't forget the St. Luke's Christmas drive,
Father Louis
 
Dear Mr. Kiriakis,
Thank you for your inquiry about prying open the murky memory of your problem nephew, Philip. I'm not surprised that your so-called "truth serum" failed. It's so old school. For a suitable fee, I can come to Salem and download your foolish relative's entire memory onto a DVD, providing you with a searchable database of all his thoughts about Chloe Lane, lover-boy Daniel Jonas, Nicole Walker, and embryos. If you wish, I could also selectively erase his memory so that he can't go running to his grouchy father complaining about how you've treated him.

I look forward to your reply.
Dr. Wilhem Rolf

P.S., please thank Andre DiMera for referring you to me, and pass along my deepest regrets about the death of his dear father. He was a wonderful man -- truly one of a kind.
 
Dear Chad,
We wish to apologize for never telling you that Abigail was alive. We were told that we had to keep this a deep dark secret and were afraid of what awful Andre and ranting Jenny might do if we spilled the beans.

Jeremy Horton, Max Brady, Seth Burns, Johnny DiMera, Vivian Alamain, Horton the Tiger, Anne Milbauer, Allie Horton, Jordan Ridgeway, Martha of Martha's Muffins, Xander Cook, Sydney DiMera, Melanie "Li'l Toddler" Jonas, Mami Hernandez, Ben Weston, Aiden Jennings, Stephanie Johnson, Summer "Psycho Mermaid" Townsend, Forest Preserve Bear, Horton Cabin Raccoons, Chelsea Brady, Dr. Richard Baker, Dr. Seth Malcolm, Dr. Wilhelm Rolf, Owen Kent, Percy the Birdwatcher, Susan Banks (what they did was mean, mean, mean), Town Square Dancing Lady, Harold the Butler, Henderson, Zoe Browning (I'm running a story about this in Sonix), Wanchai Ferry Employees (we're sending you a year's supply to make you feel better)
 
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