Letters to Salemites, Part 2

Dear Mr. Deimos,

Since your schedule has been so harried lately, I have taken the liberty of preparing a to-do list for you.

Get DNA from the Chloe Baby.
Get the piano tuned.
Hire a new prison bodyguard for Hope.
Order several cases of expensive French champagne for the New Year's Eve party.
Arrange to avenge Chille's death.
Order another dozen black shirts.
Soothe Victor's nerves by buying him a cuddly teddy-bear.
Get an up-date from Sonny on the dirty doings of Eduardo Hernandez & Son.
Give the butler (me) a hefty year-end bonus.

Yours truly,
Henderson
 
Dear Gabi,

Word has it that you've dumped my old pal, JJ, for having a one-night-stand with his partner. Bummer. I thought he'd reformed after sleeping multiple times with his old girlfriend's mother. Anyway, I'm hearing that you are looking for somebody open and honest. Good luck with that. Openness and honesty are in short supply in this town. Half the people whose names are hanging on the Horton Christmas tree are cheats and fakers. That's why you should go out with me. I'm as open and honest as they come. Hire a babysitter and then drop by my place to get mellow. You won't regret it.

Your secret admirer,
Rory

P.S., I'd bet you'd be a great date. Not like that grouchy brat, Ciara Brady, who didn't even eat the tasty burrito that I bought for her. Was that rude or what?
 
Dear Mr. Hernandez,

Thank you for your inquiry about the many fine clothing items and accessories available from Young Thug Fashions. We have a fine line of leather jackets that will make you look as if you're so mean that you'd order a hit on your own sister. Other great must-haves include such traditional gangster favorites as black shirts, white ties. white suspenders, natty vests, pinstriped suits (specially tailored so that your shoulder holster doesn't show), and spiffy fedoras. Remember, as an up-and-coming young criminal, you need to look the part. The right wardrobe will help you intimidate your enemies, attract the right kind of accomplices, and enable you to recruit the very best muscle, shooters, and drug smugglers. We look forward to filling your order. All major credit cards are cheerfully accepted.

John Dillinger III
Head Sales Manager
Young Thug Fashions
 
To: All members of the Salem P.D.
From: Commissioner Roman Brady
Re: Physical Fitness

It has come to my attention that an injured fugitive with only a ten-foot head-start was able to outrun and elude a member of the Salem P.D. This is totally unacceptable. No wonder we are a local laughingstock. Members of our department are too fond of cold beer, Bradyburgers, chowder, Martha's Muffins, Dunkin' Donuts, and Papa John's pizza, and it shows. From now on, all officers are to eat an healthy diet and begin a regular schedule of workouts at the department gym. To set an example, from now on I will be eating only oatmeal, rice cakes, and fresh fruits. Who knows, maybe my fitter, trimmer self might eventually get a kiss.
 
Dear Ms. Milbauer,

I have learned through my many sources (yes, I have sources just like the DiMeras) that yesterday you dressed up as a Salem P.D. officer, entered the Kiriakis mansion, and made off with just what you wanted, Deimos's laptop. Ordinarily, I deeply disapprove of anyone impersonating a police officer, but I am very impressed with how you calmly and efficiently obtained just what you wanted. Most of my officers couldn't find a pink elephant sitting in the middle of the Town Square. Anyway, if you're interested, I like you to stop by my office to discuss permanent employment with the Salem P.D. (You'd like working for me much better than for that ranting wacko, Jennifer Deveraux.) If we hit it off, perhaps we could then move on to dinner and drinks. Like yours, my social life is in dire straits. I look forward to meeting with you very soon.

Cordially
Roman Brady, Salem Police Commissioner
 
Dear Commissioner Raines,

Congratulations on your appointment as police commissioner. As a no-nonsense person myself, I was very pleased to learn that you will be insisting that members of the police conduct themselves in a professional manner. Salemites are heartily sick of watching police officers engaging in public displays of affection and conducting personal business while on duty. Even worse, has been their practice of committing more crimes than the felons they were supposed to be catching (the late Bo Brady was a criminal!). Under the inept leadership of poor kissless Roman Brady, Salem's criminal classes, the DiMeras, Kirkiakises, and, most recently, the slimy Hernandez father and son cartel, have been running amok. Thanks to you, I now look forward to strolling in the park and Town Square without fear and seeing lowlife trash like the thuggish Dario Hernandez doing the perp walk.

Sincerely,
Nanny Megan (Salem's best nanny)
 
Dear Commissioner Raines,

As an upstanding Salem citizen and leading local businessman, I am writing to express my outrage at the arrest of my dear father, Eduardo, who is merely a kindly, harmless older man who is attempting to make a living and support his children. (How much do you think my sister actually makes from her foolish business?) I am even more disturbed by your demoralization of my detective brother, Rafael, by your draconian by-the-book policies. You should immediately lighten up and allow your police officers to once again:
  • look the other way when friends or family commit a felony;
  • let them conduct their personal business while on duty;
  • allow them to take time out for fun stuff like granny sex or bubble baths;
  • dispense with search warrants, which are strictly for sissies.
Remember, a happy police force is an effective police force.

Sincerely,
Dario Hernandez
Proprieter, Club TBD
 
Dear Mr. Deimos,

Since you have been so obsessed with Nicole Walker lately, things have been sliding at the mansion. Here's an urgent to-do list.

Renew your subscription for your tranquilizer of the moment. You're getting much too hyper.
Fix the lock on the front door. Too many stray people are wandering in.
Sweep the mansion for listening devices again. You can never be too careful
Keep Victor at home. He's going out and saying hurtful, inappropriate things to people who support Eric Brady.
Arrange for Mr. Xander to see a psychiatrist. The man has serious anger issues.
Purchase more secure garbage cans. We're getting nightly visits from the Smith Island raccoons and Forest Preserve Bear. (They are messy eaters.)
Arrange for my Christmas bonus. It's over four months late.

Yours truly,
Henderson
 
To: Sonny Kiriakis
From: Fearless Frank's Flying School of Salem
Re: Candid Evaluation

Your personal flying instructor has passed along the following comments based on your past several lessons.
  • You are barely qualified to fly a one-engine Cessna. You are definitely not capable of piloting a business jet.
  • Never attempt to fly over water. Without landmarks, you're sure to get lost.
  • Never attempt to fly at night. Since you are not qualified to fly on instruments, you're likely to crash your aircraft into a mountain or deserted island.
  • You should keep in touch with flight controllers when necessary since you utterly lack situational awareness.
  • Try some pre-flight planning. Just jumping in the pilot seat and taking off is a rather poor idea.
  • Your landings need work. You keep mistaking rock-strewn fields for the runway.
  • Most importantly, never allow allegedly cursed amulets and women who believe in such nonsense on your aircraft. Taken together, they are a self-fulfilling prophecy.
 
Reply from Sonny:

But, but, but, I got like the highest score of all my friends on the new Star Wars Rogue Squadron game. If I can pilot a starship, I can surely fly Uncle Vic's plane.
 
Hey Mr. Deimos,

I've heard that you have a cash crunch that's causing problems getting hip Salemites their favorite drug of the moment, Halo. Have you ever considered raising money with a bake sale? My old pal JJ Deveraux's mother once baked some special pot-laced brownies that were a big hit with her fogey friends. We could whip up a batch and sell them in the Town Square. They'd sell like hotcakes. (The clueless Salem P.D. would never notice. It couldn't find an elephant hiding in a blueberry patch even if it didn't paint its toenails blue.) What do you think?

Your pal,
Rory

P.S., please speak to the writers. My screen time, which was never enough to satisfy the viewers, has now shrunk to zero. Bummer.
 
Dear Sonny,

I've noticed that you are quite concerned about projecting the image of a brilliant corporate leader. As you may recall, I was able to turn the once-callow Chad into the very image of a dynamic DiMera CEO through color blocking, which as you may know is taking two colors and pairing them together to make interesting and complementary combinations. May I suggest the look below for you, which uses a striking red and white color pattern. The words on the shirt also leave no doubt about who's in charge. This look would be perfect and would go well with your current hair style.

Your friend,
Gabi

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Roman has received conflicting advice about coloring his hair from Salem socialite Giselle van Hopper and Sami.

Dear Roman,
Have you noticed how handsome John Black looks now that he's let himself go gray? As an expert on all things relating to style and personal appearance, I firmly believe that you should do the same. You'd look so suave and sophisticated that people would flock to your pub for meals, drinks, and wise advice.

Your very good friend,
Giselle

P.S., my invitation for drinks and a little romance at my mansion still stands. Drop by any time.

Dear Daddy,
I've heard that doody-headed John Black has gone gray. If that stoopid life-ruiner wants to look like some decrepit old geezer that's his business, but don't you dare do the same. My daddy should look just as young and handsome as in years past, so keep using that Just for Men.

Sami

P.S., please speak to my Rafe and my Lucas. They're looking for love in all the wrong places, and their lives will be ruined just like mine was when that vile, disgusting, truly awful John seduced poor, foolish Mom.
P.P.S., if any of my children show up in Salem, please keep an eye on them. I don't want any embarrassing family scandals.
 
Dear Ms. Kiriakis,

After you checked out, it was discovered that your room was a total mess, the sheets were stained beyond cleaning, and the towels had been taken (stolen). It was also occupied by a nude, inebriated, passed out man, and the fresh corpse of a middle-aged woman wearing a tasteless, ugly robe. The Salem P.D. are now on the scene and creating even more of a mess, and are damaging the furniture, dirtying the carpet, and frightening the other guests. Please be advised that we will be billing your credit card for the cost of repairs, and that you will be joining Kristen DiMera, Ian McAllister, Xander Cook, and Eve Larson on the list of those who are barred from the Salem Inn.

Respectfully yours,
I.N. Keeper, Manager

P.S., in the future, don't try reserving a room under the name of your husband, son, or Victor Kiriakis. We are wise to these sort of tricks.
 
Dear Mom & Dad,

Guess what? Prison isn't so bad at all. I've having a much better time than Andy Dufresne did in The Shawshank Redemption. My new friends are teaching me cool new skills like how to plan a professionally-done armored car robbery, the finer points of forgery, how to crack a safe and pick a lock (I'll be better than Bo Brady!), how to start cars quicker than owners can with their keys, and best of all, how to run a hedge fund that pays "interest" to the original investors with money paid in by the later ones. See you soon.

Your loving son,
Joey

P.S., When you come, please bring some Cheesy Puffs. They guys here really like them.
 
Dear Mr. Narita,

Thank you for your inquiry regarding possible legal implications of your pending marriage to Mr. Jackson Kiriakis. Should Mr. Kiriakis's former husband, Mr. Will Horton, return to life (which cannot be ruled out in Salem), your marriage would still be valid. Mr. Kiriakis's first marriage was terminated by the Mr. Horton's death. If I may, I'd suggest that your real problem with a resurrection would be emotional, not legal. Many Salemites are so erratic that they would impulsively abandon their second spouse to reunite with one who was formerly deceased. However, in your case, I'm sure that Mr. Kiriakis would rather have your mother, who is half a world away, as an in-law rather than Mr. Horton's mother, the infamous Ms. Sami Brady, who is best known for high-octave screeching, and blathering on endlessly about her mothering skills, how much she hates the supposedly awful Mr. John Black, her extreme distaste for her siblings, and her adoration of the supposedly-changed Mr. Elvis DiMera.

Yours truly,
Sharpe Kookey, Associate
Crooke & Crooke
Suite 6, 10 Courthouse Sq., Salem
 
Dear Daddy,

The local rumor mill is reporting that Will Horton is alive. Please refresh my recollection: was he one of my children, and should I put him back on my Christmas list? :) Also, my sons Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Grant, and Franklin, as well as Johnny would love to know if one of their siblings has been resurrected. So would my daughters, Melania, Michelle, Laura, Betty, Barbara, Jackie, Pat, Rosalind, Bess, and Eleanor, not to mention Allie and Sydney.

Your truly radiant daughter,

Sami

P.S., I heard that Kate the hag kissed you. :sick: Please don't let this happen again. You might catch something.
 
Dear Mommy,

Please come home right away! We hate staying with Uncle Austin and Aunt Carrie! All they do is fight. Uncle Austin keeps saying that he should run off with somebody named Abigail Deveraux when he had the chance. Aunt Carrie shouts back that Uncle Austin is a real dud and can't compare to our Daddy Rafe in what she calls "the love department" whatever that means. And when she talks about Daddy Rafe, she gets all sweaty and then cools down by rubbing ice cubes on herself. Yuk! Also Aunt Carrie wore a stoopid princess costume for a Halloween party and still hasn't taken it off. That's weird isn't it?

Say hi to Daddy Lucas, Daddy Rafe, and Mommy Nicole for us.

Johnny, Allie, and Sydney
 
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