Letters to Salemites, Part 2

Dear Ms. Browning,

Thank you for the invitation to write for Sonix magazine. Unfortunately, I have no idea who you are and have never heard of Sonix. However, I can assure you that the person who had pretensions to be a writer was the old weepy Will Horton. Unlike him, I can spell and am able to string grammatical sentences together to form coherent paragraphs. This immediately disqualifies me as a writer for any Salem publication.

Sincerely,
The Real Will Horton
 
Dear Mayor Carver,

My apologies for bothering you during your time of personal grief, but we have a serious problem in Salem that needs immediate attention. The awful Sami Brady and certain other members of our community have long felt free to engage in loud, disruptive conversations in public places, and now things have gone too far. A young woman wearing a black-leather jacket, who looks as if she belongs to Marlon Brando's biker gang in the old film The Wild One, has been repeatedly upsetting local citizens by publicly engaging in loud, nasty diatribes against persons whom she holds in low regard. Can't she and others of her ilk be charged with disturbing the peace? Salem would be better off for it.

Sincerely,
Angry Salemite
 
Dear Mr. Earley,

Due to unruly teenage behavior on Christmas Eve, I must request two new ornaments. Instead of making them as duplicates of the broken ornaments (pictures attached), please paint them in the style of the other picture I've enclosed. Until these young women can learn to behave themselves, they are not worthy of your artistic creations. Also, please paint the new ones on unbreakable plastic ornaments.

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Sorry for making extra work for you. From now on, all bickering Hortons will be banished to the pier to duke it out during the holidays.

Sincerely, Maggie Horton Kiriakis
 
To: Mr. Stefan O. DiMera
From: Mr. Shin, Head of the DiMera Enterprises Board
Date: Jan. 14, 2018

It has come to our attention that you have been behaving most inappropriately with women and uttering what are arguably offensive, disgusting sexist remarks. Please be advised that anyone seeking to oust you from your position by complaining to us will be resolutely ignored. Unless a member of the DiMera family is a proven lunatic, such as Mr. Andre, we will tolerate any and all unorthodox behavior. Recall that we overlooked your father's crimes, bizarre plots, and peculiar personal life. Socially unacceptable behavior is an essential part of the DiMera ethos, and the public and stockholders would have no faith in a dull, conventional CEO.
 
Dear District Attorney Trask,

It was so nice to see you at Doug's Place last night. I trust that you enjoyed yourself and that we'll be seeing you often. As you and everyone else knows, that horrid Gabi Hernandez cruelly murdered my darling Nicky several years ago. What many don't appreciate was just how brilliant, warm, and loving he really was. When he was in a relationship with the bloodthirsty Gabi, he did his very best to create a fun, romantic relationship as the attached picture shows.

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Tragically, the grotesque Gabi repaid his efforts by ending his life. Be assured that when you convict her of the senseless murder of Andre DiMera, I will be sending you a case of our finest champagne.

Cordially,
Julie Williams
 
To: The People of Salem
From Julie Williams
Re: My Dear Nicky and Awful Gabi Hernandez

It has come to my attention the some foolish Salemites find my dislike of Gabi Hernandez unreasonable and my love for my dearest Nick Fallon misguided. :angry:Nothing could be further from the truth. The awful Gabi's cruel murder of Nicky is so typical of the heartless Salemites who abused him over the years.
  • Nicky helped fickle Chelsea Brady investigate the awful Ford Decker and saved her from a bomb, but she ran off in pursuit of that wretched orange-tinted quack, Dr. Daniel Jonas;
  • When Nicky tried to be a good friend to that muscle-bound imbecile Jett Carver and the air-headed felon Jeremy Horton, they did nothing but mock him;
  • A too trusting Nicky was victimized by a sleazy Las Vegas grifter named China Lee;
  • Nicky rescued two little African princes, Artemis and Demarquette, and they never even sent him a Christmas card;
  • Nicky's life's work, his marvelous, miraculous fuels project, fell victim to a war between the unspeakable Stefano DiMera and the cold-hearted Victor Kiriakis;
  • Nicky selflessly befriended the sketchy Willow Stark, but she too turned on him;
  • Nicky saved the childish, micro-brained Melanie Jonas from her horrid father, Dr. Trent Robbins, but she thanked him by taking up with that crude, venal lout, Philip Kiriakis;
  • When Nicky was trying to rebuild his life in Salem, he was savagely beaten by that brutish thug, Chad DiMera, who later rudely interrupted his wedding to the awful Gabi;
  • After Nicky thought he had found a home in the Kiriakis mansion, he was pitched into the street by that miserable grouch and career criminal, Victor Kiriakis;
  • Nicky narrowly escaped death when screechy, EJ-obsessed Sami Brady and the diabolical, merciless Kate Roberts tossed him in the icy Salem River.
Yes, lovable Nicky had his faults and did a few questionable things, but after the cruel, vicious treatment he received in Salem, it's amazing that he retained any shred of his sanity.:cry:
 
Dear Mr. Narita,

I've learned that you are seeking incriminating information on Ms. Vivian Alamain. Well, you can stop lurking in tacky Salem watering holes watching her guzzle martinis or wasting hours on the world's worst search engine, Ewe Search. Instead, get yourself to state prison and meet with me. I selflessly worked for Madame for years and am privy to some of her deepest, darkest secrets. Since she cruelly dumped me for that vulgar Bollywood poseur, Ivan, and is now promoting the career of her unspeakable son, Stefan O., I no longer feel any obligation to keep her nasty, vile secrets. Pay a call on me ASAP. You won't be disappointed.

Sincerely,
Augustine "Gus" Pascal
 
To: Legal Defense Clinic, Salem University School of Law
From: Dean Dean D. Dean

The murder conviction of Ms. Gabriella Hernandez offers a perfect opportunity for the students of our Legal Defense Clinic to show their mettle. The presiding judge was the infamously inept Griffin Sims, the prosecution was handled personally by that legal vampire Melinda Trask, and defense counsel was the bumbling Justin Kiriakis. The fact that Mr. Kiriakis offered no defense and that critical testimony was highly peculiar and possibly perjured suggests that the verdict was a gross miscarriage of justice. I strongly urge that the clinic students begin work on Ms. Hernandez's behalf immediately. Lord knows that she won't get competent legal help anywhere else in Salem.
 
Dear Mr. DiMera,

When the board made you CEO of DiMera Enterprises, it was under the impression that you were a ruthless, hard-charging business executive who would lead the company right to the top. Instead, to our great displeasure, we have learned that you that have instead spent your time trying to frame the creator of GabiChic for the murder of Mr. Andre DiMera, aiding in the confinement of three women in a DiMera mansion dungeon, and compulsively lusting after an alter of the schizophrenic wife of Mr. Chadsworth DiMera, which caused you to be beaten to within an inch of your life. We do expect some extra-legal activities by DiMeras, but cannot tolerate an inept criminal. When you are released from the hospital, we insist that you appear before us to explain why you shouldn't be ousted as CEO immediately.

Yours truly,
Mr. Shin
President, DiMera Enterprises Board of Directors
Two International Finance Center, Hong Kong
 
Dear Mr. Kiriakis,

I've read in the Intruder that you are now being sued by your former personal assistant, the back-stabbing fraud Leo Stark (who makes the late Willow Stark look saintly). After a long absence from the job market -- in all honesty, I've never been in it -- I've decided to obtain gainful employment. That said, I have many outstanding qualities that would make me the perfect fit for the personal assistant position.
  • I'm resolutely straight, meaning that there's no chance of any office hanky-panky;
  • I'm always cheerful, unlike so many grim, grouchy, glowering, sourpuss Salemites;
  • I'd never sue anyone -- heck, I don't even know where the courthouse is;
  • I know where to get the finest pot in Salem at reasonable prices (everyone needs to get mellow now and then).
I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to describe my many positive attributes at a personal interview. I look forward to your reply.

Your new pal and future faithful assistant,

Rory
 
Having not heard back from rude Sonny, Rory continues his job search.

Dear Mr. Brady,

Have you ever wondered why so many Salemites prefer to patronize Doug's Place despite the sterile decor, the watered-down drinks, and the risk of having to hear yet another Julie Williams rant against Gabi Hernandez? Today, when I stopped by the Pub, bartender Eric looked even gloomier than the perpetually trouble-plagued customer, Brady Black. What you need is a bartender who's a cheerful, smiling good listener like myself to bring in Salem's tipplers. I don't have any experience dispensing alcoholic beverages outside of keggers, but I am very knowledgeable about other mild-altering substances. What da hell, how about an interview? You won't regret it.

Your new pal and future bartender with a smile,
Rory
 
Having not heard back from Roman (who's probably too busy adding Choco Puffs and garbage-can nachos to the Pub menu), Rory resolutely continues his job search.

Dear Mr. DIMera,

Congratulations on being named CEO of Titan. I'm sure you'll do a great job and will stick it to that awful creep, Stefan O. Back in May, I wrote to Sonny Kiriakis, applying to be his new personal assistant, replacing that snake in the grass, Leo Stark. Sadly, he did not deign to reply. That said, I have many outstanding qualities that would make me your perfect personal assistant.
  • I too despise your ex-father, Charles Woods. He was always persecuting honest potheads;
  • I'm always cheerful, unlike your new boss, grouchy Victor;
  • I know as much about business as most people who have been Salem area CEOs;
  • I'm smart. I once outfoxed Jeannie Theresa Donovan when she was blackmailing my old pal, JJ Deveraux. In other words, I once saved JJ's bacon and I can do the same for you and Titan.
As told Sonny, I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to describe my many fine attributes at a personal interview. I eagerly look forward to your reply.

Your new pal and future faithful assistant,

Rory
 
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Dear Salem-area cabin owners,

It has come to our attention that many discerning owners of area cabins have them stocked with fine furniture, quality bedding, gourmet chef's knives and cookware, sterling silver flatware, imported carpets, outstanding wine cellars, and state-of-the-art sound systems. Sadly, many of these dwellings and their contents are uninsured. At a time when your cabin could be invaded by arsonists, bratty teens, Yo-Daddy-type lunatics, former mental patients, or hungry raccoons, this is a serious mistake. Contact us today for an affordable policy quote.

Salem Fire & Casualty Insurance Company
20 Town Square, Salem
SFCIS.com
 
To: Mr. Ben Weston
Park Bench, Salem
From: Ted Laurent, Esq.

It has come to the attention of me and other fine members of the Salem Bar that you are being constantly harassed by the Salem P.D., and have been seriously physically assaulted by Ms. Eve Donovan and Ms. Claire "YouTube Flop" Brady. Please be aware that you may be entitled to significant financial compensation from all three of these possible defendants. With a sympathetic jury made up of romantic young women, success would be assured. If you are considering legal action, please contact me or any other qualified Salem attorney (this rules out Justin Kiriakis). P.S., watch your back. You don't want to end up like the late Mr. Leo Stark. (Yes, everyone with common sense in Salem knows that he's dead and that Sonny Kiriakis tried to dump his body.)
 
Enterprising Ted continues to try to drum up legal business.

To: Abigail Deveraux DiMera
Alice Horton House
From: Ted Laurent, Esq.

It has come to my attention (I don't miss a thing) that you are constantly being harassed by your alleged rapist, Mr. Stefan O. DiMera, the putative father of your unborn child. I've also heard that your husband, Mr. Chadsworth Peterson-Woods DiMera has left you and that a divorce may be in your immediate future. Please be advised that you may be entitled to significant money damages to Mr. S.O. DiMera for deliberate infliction of emotional distress caused by his harassment, civil assault for his alleged rape, and ample child support after your child is born. If you wish to consider legal action (and you should), please contact me or any other qualified Salem attorney (this excludes Justin Kiriakis). After all, Mr. S.O. DiMera is loaded. There's no reason why you shouldn't get a big chunk of his ill-gotten wealth. Please note that you would also be entitled to significant alimony from your callow, faithless husband. P.S., don't believe anything Kate Roberts, Will Horton, or Sonny Kiriakis say about me.
 
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Mayor Abe is now getting irate messages demanding that something be done about Hope.

Dear Mayor Carver,

The better people of Salem (myself included) are appalled by the current misconduct of our miserable excuse for a police commissioner, Hope Brady. It has become common knowledge that she has engaged in a cruel, unlawful one-woman campaign against Mr. Ben Weston, who committed several homicides while mentally ill. Despite the fact that the experts at Bayview and the distinguished psychiatrist Dr. Marlena Evans have declared him to be cured, Commissioner Brady has attempted to frame Mr. Weston for arson and has also repeatedly plotted to deprive him of his civil rights. It is bad enough that Salem has an ex-convict for a police commissioner, but one that bends the law to suit her own nefarious purposes is intolerable. We demand that you terminate Hope Brady immediately and start a national search for a competent, honest, experienced replacement (preferably a person without an irregular love life).

Giselle van Hopper
President, Salem Improvement Society and every other Salem civic group of note.

P.S., say hello to that handsome Roman Brady for me.
 
Letters to Abe about Hope continue to arrive.

Dear Mayor Abe Carver,

I just returned to Salem for an apology tour and everyone was so nice to me. I had such fun at Marlena Evans's bridal shower. Then, I learned about how mean, mean, mean Hope Brady is tormenting an unfortunate young man named Ben Weston -- being even meaner to him than she was to my darling baby boy, Elvis. I was also shocked to learn that she has her job despite being an ex-convict. Please get a new commissioner ASAP. I don't want my beloved Will living in a town with a meanie jailbird as its top cop.

Best regards,
Susan Banks

P.S., If you want a tarot card reading, just say the word.
 
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