Salem Spectator Society Page, Part 2

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CLUB TBD NOW UNDER NEW OWNERSHIP
Informed sources have confirmed that Titan-Europe executive Mr. Sonny Kiriakis has sold the popular Club TBD to former professional assassin Mr. Eduardo Hernandez. This means that Salemites can now enjoy fine food and drink while thrilling at the presence of a retired stone-cold killer. And because Mr. Hernandez is the father of Salem P.D. detective Rafael Hernandez, customers need not worry about being accosted by grifters and pickpockets while at the club. It's also been reported that Mr. Hernandez plans to set his club apart from that seedy gin mill Edge of the Square (aka Club Belle) by banning the following:
  • drug dealers;
  • homophobes;
  • bratty, ill-mannered teens;
  • women with blue chunks;
  • those who loudly discuss their most intimate affairs in public;
  • Andre DiMera (should he ever be released);
  • and Samantha Gene Brady, the notorious Salem screecher, whose mere presence can cause people to break out in hives.
This is great news Salemites, and this writer strongly encourages one and all to stop by Club TBD to congratulate Mr. Hernandez and have a fine time.
 
MANSION HOUSEWARMING CANCELLED
The gala housewarming party to be held tomorrow evening at the Kiriakis mansion has been abruptly cancelled without explanation. The festive gala was to have been hosted by merry widow Ms. Kate Roberts Brady Kiriakis, the new CEO of Titan, and former chief of Hearth & Home and both Countess W and Mad World cosmetics. The guest list had included all of Salem's movers and shakers, but was reportedly going to be snubbed by Salem's social elite, most notably Ms. Giselle van Hopper, who once described the event's hostess as a "common trollop" and "vulgar opportunist." Theories abound as to why the gala was cancelled, but informed sources believe it is somehow related to the alleged presence at the mansion of pardoned archfelon and former murder suspect, the always mysterious Mr. Andre DiMera.
 
SALEM WOMEN'S CLUB ANNOUNCES NEW AWARD
The Salem Women's Club has announced that it will be offering a new award, "Salem's Worst Mother," at its annual dinner. Club president Ms. Giselle van Hopper stated that the award was intended to reassure Salem's often overworked, over-stressed mothers who are sometimes insecure about their parenting skills by providing them with an example of a truly bad mother. Ms. van Hopper explained that the traits of such an awful mother could include:
  • constantly dumping your child on a busy grandparent, preferably at an inappropriate venue such as a pub;
  • providing your child with a career criminal as a step-parent;
  • carelessly causing your child to witness his/her mother engaged in what is vulgarly known as a "hate boink";
  • telling your child's prospective in-laws that their son or daughter is not good enough;
  • naming your child after a root vegetable;
  • neglecting your child in favor concentrating on personal business or a problematical love affair;
  • ruining your child's wedding;
  • arranging for your child to be fired and then taking his/her job;
  • repeatedly embarrassing your child with inappropriate public behavior, such as loud ranting;
  • having an affair with your child's significant other.

Nominations may be submitted to the Salem Women's Club Worst Mother Award Committee. Please submit your nominations by August 1.
 
Reply from Kate Roberts: Oh my, this award has Sami Brady written all over it!

Reply from Samantha Brady DiMera, et al: Shut up, you old hag! They created this award just for you! I HATE YOU!

Reply from Nicole Walker: Ladies, ladies. In the event of a dead heat, I'm sure they can award two Worst Mother Awards.

Reply from Jeannie T. Donovan: Root vegetable? Did Victor help write this??
 
JENNIFER DEVERAUX MAY BE TAPPED FOR "WORST MOTHER" AWARD
Inside sources at the Salem Women's Club have hinted that sometime University Hospital P.R. person, Jennifer Deveraux, may receive the first annual "worst mother" award. This conclusion is the result of an announcement that the Club was leaning toward presenting the award to an overbearing, interfering helicopter mother whose children have manifested anti-social behavior. Ms. Deveraux is well known as the archetype of the interfering mother and her son was once a drug dealer and vandal and her daughter has been a stalker and EJ DiMera shower mate. Our source indicated that such obvious candidates as Sami Brady and Kate Roberts Brady Kiriakis were dropped from consideration after it was decided to exclude persons who never really attempted to function as a mother at all. As Club president Ms. Giselle van Hopper noted: " Worst-movie-of-the-year awards never go to B-movie trash, but instead to big-budget flops."
 
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Hey doodyheads!

I'm not sure if I should take this as a compliment or insult?? Can you just tell me which one it's supposed to be??

Samantha Brady DiMera and the rest of the names
 
Dear Ms. Brady, etc.

We have received you intemperate, uncivil message. Be advised that your name being eliminated from contention for the "worst-mother" award was the result of verifiable reports, which maintained that instead of attempting to fill the role of mother to your unfortunate children, you habitually dumped them on their over-worked grandmother in order to engage in shady business dealings and to consort with unsavory men such as the late career criminal Elvis DiMera, and worst of all apparently can't remember exactly how many children you have and what their names are. Is this a compliment or an insult? You figure it out.

Salem Women's Club Worst Mother Award Committee
 
SALEM HIGH MAY DISCONTINUE GRADUATION
After a graduation, which was notable only for its remarkably poor level of attendance, Salem HIgh is considering dropping the ceremony in the future. According to Principal Learned M. Goode, the only students who bothered to show up were the valedictorian, some award-winners, and those whose acceptance at elite colleges and universities afforded their parents an opportunity to brag about their brilliant young scholars. According to informed sources, one student preferred nannying to graduation, another was recovering from a gunshot wound, and a third had been made homeless by her hard-hearted parents. Other reported reasons were anguish over unrequited love and involvement with a now-defunct record label. School Board President Mrs. Giselle van Hopper put the blame squarely on Salem's parents whom she said, "are seen daily in the Town Square skipping work and loudly discussing their sordid personal lives, which include various acts of dishonesty, criminal plots, adulterous affairs, and tacky trysts at such locations as the infamous Salem Inn, Martin House, and the notorious Green Mountain Lodge."
 
OLD-TIME GANGSTER NIGHT SET FOR CLUB TBD
To celebrate his son, Dario, becoming TBD's new manager, Club owner Mr. Eduardo Hernandez will honor his homicidal past by holding an old-time gangster night. Drinks will include genuine, imitation bootleg hootch, bathtub gin, and watered-down whiskey, and Mr. Dario Hernandez will dress as Chicago's own Al Capone. A free drink will be provided to customers who dress as John Dillinger, Bugs Moran, Lucky Luciano, Machine Gun Kelly, Babyface Nelson, etc., or their molls. Mr. Hernandez stressed that this event is "old-time" gangster night and that Stefano or EJ DiMera impersonators will not get past the velvet rope, noting: "We want to entertain our patrons, not scare them to death."
 
HISTORICAL SOCIETY TO HOST PROGRAM ON SALEM KIDNAPPINGS
The Salem Historical Society will host a fascinating program on Sunday night on kidnappings, which are so frequent in Salem that our city is known the American kidnapping capital. The event will be moderated by the Police Commissioner Roman Brady, who will address the special difficulties that kidnappings pose for local law enforcement. Other speakers include:
  • Mr. John Black will discuss the role played by private eyes in solving kidnappings, and relate some of the highlights of his many kidnapping experiences; (Don't ask him about his comas.);
  • Mr. Victor Kiriakis, a rumored kidnapper himself, will discuss the currently controversial Tater-Totnapping, and will explain that despite anyone's visions, he was not involved in any way;
  • obnoxious, self-centered Ms. Ciara Brady, who has already been kidnapped twice in her short life, will explore the impact of kidnappings on children and teens;
  • psychiatrist Dr. Marlena Evans, who has the lightest patient case load anywhere, will talk about the motives of kidnappers and her recent involuntary stay in a DiMera castle;
  • possible D.A. candidate, Mr. Aiden Jennings, who will tell tales of his time in a DiMera cell with only a little dead bird for company. (Mr. Jennings will not comment on his recent embarrassing stint as a wannabe necktie strangler.);
  • Dr. Kayla Johnson who will relate how marriage to a danger addict can cause women to be kidnapped.
Historical Society president, Ms. Giselle van Hopper, encourages one and all to attend. She adds that at the close of the event, ladies who pay $1 will be given the rare opportunity to kiss the handsome Roman Brady.
 
SALEM BAR ASSOCIATION TO HOST RECEPTION FOR NEW DISTRICT ATTORNEY
The posh headquarters of the Salem Bar Association will be the scene Saturday night of a gala reception in honor of Salem's new district attorney, rumored gambling addict, DiMera tool, necktie strangler wannabe, and father of an accused rapist, Mr. Aiden Jennings. Mr. Jennings is a relative newcomer to Salem having moved here from the Puget Sound area where he was briefly suspected in the murder of his wife. Mr. Jennings was appointed to his new position by Mayor Abraham Carver who has been remarkably tight-lipped about the reasons for his choice or the resignation of former D.A. Justin Kiriakis. A large turnout is expected for this festive event although some Salem attorneys, members of the Salem P.D., and members of Salem's social elite who disapprove of Mr. Jennings's appointment will be conspicuous by their absence.
 
HISTORIC MARTIN HOUSE SOLD TO LOCAL BUSINESSWOMAN
Civic-minded Salemites were horrified to learn today that Doug and Julie Williams had suddenly sold the historic, beloved old Martin House to blue-chunked local businesswoman, poison-brownie baker, and professional schemer, Ms. Kate Roberts Brady. Fears for the future of the lovingly-restored old home were immediately stoked by the mournful sight of suddenly-evicted guests struggling with their luggage as they exited the premises. Salem Historical Society president, Ms. Giselle van Hopper was outraged by the sale. She told reporters: "Selling Martin House to the likes of Ms. Brady is like giving a fine watch to a monkey. Is this wonderful old home to be turned into a den of inquity? The Historical Society is demanding that Mayor Carver immediately declare Martin House an historical landmark and begin proceedings for the city to take title to the property."
 
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Reply from Sami Brady DiMera, et al.:

Hey, doodyheads! That stoopid hag, Kate, can't buy Martin House! It's MINE! I was married to Martin Sheen and he gave it to me for our sons, Charlie, Alan and Waldon, and our grandsons, Jake and Louis. I'm sending my daddy to kick that old harlot out of MY house!
 
KIRIAKIS MANSION NUPTIALS END BADLY -- AGAIN
The planned wedding between fashion designer, sometime schemer and fireplace-poker artiste Ms. Jeannie Theresa Donovan and former drug-addict, alcoholic, and Titan Industries CEO Mr. Brady Black was derailed suddenly yesterday when the wedding venue at the beautiful Kiriakis mansion was invaded by psychopath Milo Harp, who is also known as Orpheus. Mr. Harp, an escaped convict, threatened Mr. Black and his wedding guests before he fled the mansion and, not surprisingly, easily eluded the Salem P.D. As long-time Salemites may remember at a previous mansion wedding, the bride, Ms. Melanie Jonas, who is known to friends as the Li'l Toddler, was accidentally shot by her mother, Dr. Carly Manning a reputed pill addict and polka-dot-bra-wearing seductress. According to Titan mogul Mr. Victor Kiriakis, two things are certain: Mr. Harp and his fellow escapees will be apprehended and he will never again schedule a wedding at the mansion. Mr. Kiriakis said: "No more mansion weddings. At my age, I can't stand the stress."
 
DIMERA ENTERPRISES RECEPTION WELCOMES NEW EXECUTIVES
A posh reception was held at the well-guarded DiMera Mansion last night to welcome Ms. Kate Roberts Brady, the infamous blue-chunked schemer, and Mr. Andre DiMera, a leading Salem psychopath, to the company's leadership team. Shunned by Salem's social elite and the Orpheus-plagued in-crowd, the event was attended by Mr. Shin of Hong Kong, some other key DiMera employees, local opportunists, curiosity seekers, and the merely morbid. The event featured an open bar and a lavish buffet, which, the guests were assured, had not been prepared by Ms. Roberts. The highlight of the event was a short talk by company CEO, Mr. Chad DiMera, in which he expressed his forlorn hope that DiMera Enterprises will soon become completely legitimate and that his appointment of Ms. Roberts and Mr. DiMera will not prove to be the utter disaster that most people expect.
 
Reply from Samantha Brady DiMera, et al: Good luck, Chad! You're gonna need it if you're putting your faith in that stoopid old hag and that poopy old windbag! :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
 
SALEM IMPROVEMENT SOCIETY TO HONOR HEROES OF ORPHEUS SIEGE
Ms. Giselle van Hopper, president of the Salem Improvement Society, has announced that a festive benefit gala will be held at the ballroom of the posh Salem Hilton & Towers. The gala's proceeds will go to those who whose businesses were looted or who were injured during the recent Orpheus-caused unpleasantness. Honorees include veteran psychopath Mr. Andre DiMera; Mr. Chadsworth DiMera (the "good" DiMera); retired assassin and professional bomb expert, Mr. Eduardo Hernandez; psychological profiler and former Queen of the Night, Dr. Marlena Evans; Officer JJ Deveraux, the former Town Square window-smasher; John Black the Salem coma king; and Mr. Walk-on-the-Wild-Side himself, Mr. Steve "Patch" Johnson. A special award will also be presented to the guest of honor, Police Commissioner Roman Brady. When announcing the names of the honorees, Ms. van Hopper said: "Salem owes a special debt to the brilliant, romantic, and dashing Roman Brady for his brave leadership during the crisis, which overcame problems caused by inept vigilantes, certain preoccupied, self-centered police detectives, and our do-nothing district attorney."
 
Reply from Sami Brady DiMera, et al: Excuse me??? Why aren't I getting an award??? I sent Truly Radiant products so everyone could have brilliant white smiles and fresh breath during all of this. Oh, but you'll give an award to that stoopid, doodyhead, life-ruiner, John Black?! You can all go suck lemons!
 
Reply from Giselle van Hopper: Ms. Brady, we have received your vulgar, ill-mannered message. Be advised that the Salem Improvement Society would never give an award to the likes of you. If you want an award, contact that scurrilous rag, the Salem Intruder. I've heard they are giving dunce-cap awards to those who behaved badly during the recent unpleasantness. Perhaps, they could give you a lifetime non-achievement award.
 
SALEM COMA CLUB TO INDUCT NEW MEMBER
The prestigious Coma Club has scheduled a dinner at the Salem Inn's event room next month in honor of our city's latest coma victim, Officer JJ Deveraux, who like most local coma victims is expected make a quick and full recovery. Officer Deveraux will be inducted into the Club by its president, multiple coma victim Mr. John Black, who will present him with the coveted silver pin, which indicates that the member has been in one coma. Mr. Black, who as a multiple coma victim wears the Club's prestigious platinum pin, will make a few remarks as will recent coma victim and valiant Clyde Weston fighter, Mr. Chad DiMera. The guest speaker will be Salem's latest super-surgeon, Dr. Valerie Grant, who recently saved the life of our beloved mayor, Mr. Abraham Carver, by performing brilliant heart surgery. Her topic will be the mysterious soap-opera coma. Coma Club dinners are always a popular event so Salemites who are not members of the in-crowd should make their reservations now.
 
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