Salem Spectator Society Page, Part 2

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JUSTICE FOR STEFANO RALLY HELD AT DIMERA MANSION
The beautiful gardens at the DiMera mansion were the setting yesterday of a rally demanding justice for the late Salem philanthropist, international businessman, and rumored psychopathic criminal mastermind, Mr. Stefano DiMera. In attendance were a large number of malcontents, fun-loving Salem U. students, cynics, know-nothings, and those who are fed up with the corruption and dysfunction of Salem's in-crowd. Some in the crowd were wearing "Lock-up Hope Brady" or "We Love Nono" t-shirts. Before digging into a lavish buffet and imbibing at the open bar, the group was addressed by the Justice for Stefano chairman, Mr. Andre DiMera, who praised his late father; demanded a long prison sentence for Mr. DiMera's confessed killer, Detective Hope Brady; and denounced the alleged corruption and incompetence of the Salem P.D. in general and Commissioner Roman Brady and Detective Rafael Hernandez in particular. Other speakers included: Harold the DiMera butler; Mary the mansion maid; alleged mad scientist Dr. Wilhelm Rolf; and several Salemites who angrily claimed that their homes and businesses had been subjected to warrantless searches by what they claimed were the "lawless" Ms. Brady and her "professional felon" husband, the late Detective Bo Brady.
 
SALEM SYMPHONY OPENS FALL SEASON
The Salem Symphony Orchestra launched its fall season tonight at Symphony Hall with a selection of famous classics including Handel's Messiah, Liszt's Les Preludes, Beethoven's Violin Concerto, and Tchaikovky's Suite No. 5. Introductory and closing remarks were made by Symphony Society president, Ms, Giselle van Hopper, who praised the musicians for their stirring performance and asked the audience for a round of applause for Police Commissioner Roman Brady for his heroic leadership during the recent Orpheus unpleasantness. The star-studded audience included: Titan mogul and veteran grouch Mr. Victor Kiriakis and his recently recovered busybody wife Maggie; semi-clueless blue-blooded investor Mr. Bradley Bush and his amorous wife, Victoria; the ringmaster of University Hospital dysfunction, Mr. Seth Burns; town hero and classical music aficionado, Mr. Andre DiMera; and up-and-coming entrepreneur Mr. Chadsworth DiMera who was accompanied by the paroled slayer of Mr. Nicholas Fallon, Ms. Gabriella Hernandez, whose low-cut red gown elicited gasps of appreciation from the men and frowns of disapproval from their spouses.
 
HORTON-KIRIAKIS NUPTIALS COME TO ABRUPT END
St. Luke's Church was the scene today of yet another interrupted wedding, this time involving businessman and long-suffering son of Salem schemer Ms. Kate Roberts Brady, Mr. Lucas Horton, and Ms. Adrienne Kiriakis, the former wife of inept criminal defense attorney and blatant adulterer, Mr. Justin Kiriakis. Cynics might be forgiven for assuming that either the bride or groom was shot off the altar, but instead the ceremony was disrupted by a scene straight out of The Graduate in which Mr. Kiriakis declared his undying love for his former spouse and begged her to abandon Mr. Horton and return to him. As the shocked congregation, consisting of persons who are rarely seen at church, watched an argument ensued, Mr. Horton punched Mr. Kiriakis in the jaw, and Ms. Kiriakis fled the church in tears. As the wedding collapsed into chaos, the would-be officiant, Father Louis, invited anyone who needed spiritual advice to see him in the rectory. If those involved in today's debacle take his advice, which they surely should, he will be one busy priest.
 
TOWN SQUARE STATUE PROJECT STIRS ENTHUSIAM
The project to erect a life-size statue of a distinguished Salemite in the Town Square has stirred great interest among Salemites. The idea for such a statute was originated by Salem businesswoman, Ms. Kate Roberts Brady, and planning is being coordinated by the Salem Women's Club and the Mayor's Office. Unfortunately, the vote for whose statue should be erected is not going as expected. Early favorites such as Detective Bo Brady and miracle surgeon Dr. Daniel Jonas are trailing badly, way behind candidates whom many would find most inappropriate. As of today the vote is as follows:
  • Pookie the Dog -- 40%
  • Stefano DiMera -- 35%
  • Kate Roberts Brady -- 15%
  • EJ DiMera -- 5%
  • Sami Brady -- 5%
  • Orpheus -- 2%
  • Bo Brady -- 2%
  • Dr. Daniel Jonas -- 1%
Women's Club president, Ms,. Giselle van Hopper, and Mayor Carver are reportedly most displeased by these early results, blaming them on misguided dog-lovers, smart-aleck Salem U. students, anti-social admirers of career criminals, and persons who voted after having one too many at the Brady Pub. They urge all upstanding, right-thinking Salemites to cast their ballots so that statue of an appropriate, inspirational person will grace the Town Square.
 
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Hey, why wasn't I nominated??? Look how handsome I am.

tiger-dirk-freder-isp.jpg


Sincerely, Horton T. Tiger
 
MAYOR ATTENDS BELOVED TREE-TRIMMING CEREMONY
Salem's distinguished mayor, Abraham Carver, lent his presence yesterday to the traditional Horton family tree-trimming ceremony at which new and recycled ornaments bearing the names of real and honorary Hortons are hung on the Christmas tree. Hosted by noted ranter and former no-show University Hospital P.R. chief Ms. Jennifer Deveraux, this event is one of Salem's oldest and most beloved Christmas traditions. Accompanying the mayor to this heartwarming event were his slightly sketchy new lady friend, Dr. Valerie Grant, his surprise daughter Lani, and his suspicious, outspoken son Theo. Other guests included veteran cruisers Doug and Julie Williams, bratty YouTube wannabe Claire Brady, occasional police officer Shawn Brady, the recently dumped JJ Devereux, veteran busybody Maggie Kiriakis, and troubled teen Ciara Brady. Sadly missing from the happy scene were convicted murderer Hope Brady, long-time fugitive Jeremy Horton, and Mr. Victor Kiriakis who was reportedly home at his mansion nursing his bad back and dealing with extreme family dysfunction. I'm sure all readers will join me in wishing the mayor, his family, and all Hortons a very merry Christmas and share the hope that in-crowd legal privileges will lead to the early release of Hope Brady who saved Salem from the grinchiest of all grinches, Stefano DiMera.
 
Hey, doodyheads, was my ornament put on that stoopid old tree? It's the best ornament they ever made. And if I find out my hag sister Carrie's ornament was hung and not mine, heads are going to roll!

Sami Brady DiMera Hernandez Horton Reed Walker
 
Reply from Jenny: Sami, your ill-mannered message was passed on to me by the society page editor. To better inform you about the status of your ornament, here's part of the transcript of the video that we made of the ornament-hanging. It contains comments about absent Hortons.

Tom and Alice: "Weren't they simply wonderful?"

Bo and Hope: "Bo was so great. He never gave the DiMeras any rest. And it's not fair that Hope's in jail just for killing that monster, Stefano."

Carrie: "She's such a distinguished lawyer. Her firm is so lucky to have her."

Nick: "It's such a shame what happened to him. He could have accomplished great things."

Jeremy: "Where is the poor fellow now? Hopefully, he's all right."

Sami: "Ack, put her ornament back in the box! It will spoil the tree's appearance."
 
Reply from Sami: I HATE YOU!

Reply from Roman Brady: Dammit, Sami! It's Christmas. Show some peace and good will towards others, please??

Reply from Sami: OK, daddy. I hate you. See, I whispered it.

Reply from Roman: [sigh...]
 
Dear doodyheads at the Spectator,

What's with all the feel good stories about those dull-as-dishwater Hortons these days? You'd think they owned this stoopid rag. The only Hortons worth anything are MY Lucas and our 9 children, Sheldon, Amy, Leonard, Penny, Howard, Bernadette, Stuart, Raj and Cinnamon. The rest of that sorry lot makes Henderson over at the K-Mansion look like a rock star.

They should do articles about me, since I am Salem's good twin and I'm truly radiant.

Not sincerely, Sami Brady, et al.
 
LOCAL SINGER TO RELOCATE
Informed sources report that Ms. Chloe Lane, the well-known torch singer who is one of Salem's few celebrities (D-List), who is currently languishing in a coma, will eventually relocate to Chicago with her new baby daughter, Holly. Ms. Lane's current condition and the departure of her baby to Chicago has caused quite a stir in Salem in-crowd circles. These include former Titan TV reporter and one-time babyswitcher, Ms. Nicole Walker, who has been helping to care for the child; Ms. Lane's ex-paramour, Titan CEO, and veteran of the Greek prison system, Mr. Deimos Kiriakis; and her ex-husband, Mr. Brady Black, a former drug addict and alcoholic, who was recently deserted by his wife, fire-place poker artiste, Ms. Jeannie Theresa Donovan. Apparently unaffected by Ms. Lane's current condition is her former protege, YouTube singer Ms. Claire Brady, who is reportedly busying herself convincing the mayor's son, Mr. Theo Carver, to engage in criminal acts. This writer is sure that all Salemites wish Ms. Lane a quick recovery and that she will soon be able to join her adorable baby in the Windy City.
 
LOCAL NOTABLES TRAVEL ABROAD
Leading psychiatrist Dr. Marlena Evans, Mr. Stephen Johnson and Mr. Paul Narita of the famous Black Patch Investigations, and Detective Rafael Hernandez are in Prague this week to see the sights, enjoy the fine local cuisine, and possibly to reconnect with famed international businessman Mr. Stefano DiMera who may mysteriously have come back to life yet again. The adventurous travelers are staying at a cozy hotel that looks much like Salem's beloved Martin House and are sampling Prague's cultural scene by visiting a cafe whose menus fortuitously have English translations. Also on the move are socialites Mr. Bradley Bush and his wife, Victoria, recent investors in the revitalized DiMera Enterprises, who are reportedly on a swingers cruise in the Caribbean, which should allow Ms. Bush the opportunity to "socialize" with men other than her allegedly dull husband. Also in the Caribbean, is the leader of Salem society, Ms. Giselle van Hopper, who is avoiding the riff-raff by cruising on a luxurious chartered yacht. Informed sources report that Police Commissioner Roman Brady had been invited to accompany Ms. van Hopper, but he was forced to decline because of suspected racketeering on the Salem piers and tension over supposed cronyism and favoritism within the Salem P.D.
 
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LOCAL TYCOON TO WED
In the latest example of the triumph of hope over experience, Titan CEO Deimos Kiriakis and Ms. Nicole Walker have announced their intention to wed. Defying the extremely-high Salem divorce rate, the couple is confident that their union will be one of Salem's rare successes. This will be the first marriage for Mr. Kiriakis, a veteran of the Greek prison system, and the fourth for Ms. Walker who was previously married to Dr. Trent Robbins, the psychopathic college professor; the long-suffering son of Ms. Kate Roberts Brady, Mr. Lucas Horton; grouchy Titan kingpin Mr. Victor Kiriakis (later annulled); and the worst mayor in Salem's long history, career criminal Mr. Elvis "EJ" DiMera. Last year, Ms. Walker was also engaged to be married to Salem's heroic eggbaby super-surgeon, Dr. Daniel Jonas, who was foully slain in the early hours of New Year's Day by a drunk driver, Mr. Eric Brady, the failed priest and infamous sourpuss. The happy couple has not yet announced a wedding date, but a Kiriakis spokesperson assures everyone that the wedding will not be disrupted by disgruntled guests or gunshots.
 
NICOLE WALKER WELCOMES NEW DAUGHTER
Former Titan TV reporter, fashion executive, crawl-space occupant, and babyswitcher, Ms. Nicole Walker, welcomed her new daughter, Holly, to her life this week. The child, who was fathered by the late saint and super-surgeon, Dr. Daniel Jonas, was carried to term by surrogate mother, Ms. Chloe Lane, the erratic diva, past coma victim, and the object of colorful invective from the noted Salem grouch, Mr. Victor Kiriakis. Sadly, Ms. Walker and her adorable infant will have to wait to be together because she has been arrested for allegedly stabbing a man whom she believed was about murder her fiance, Mr.Deimos Kiriakis, the ruthess head of Titan Industries. Another roadblock on Ms. Walker's path to happiness, is the refusal of Ms. Lane to turn over little Holly to her because she is appalled by Mr. Kiriakis's reported criminal past and his alleged threats to kill those who displease him. Ms. Walker has now engaged former district attorney and Kiriakis family mouthpiece, Mr. Justin Kiriakis, to defend her against the criminal charges and to pry Baby Holly loose from the clutches of Ms. Lane, and her many friends have expressed confidence in a positive outcome.
 
Reply from Sami Brady DiMera, et al: That stoopid baby-snatching witch doesn't deserve a baby. She once stole MY baby. Give baby Holly to me so she can be part of my own wonderful little bunch. Mary, Laura, Carrie, Grace and Albert will be thrilled to have a new baby sister!

PS: this is probably all John Black's fault. I HATE him!
 
Reply from Marlena: Sami, dear, try not to be so negative. You should be more like your kind, caring sisters. And John didn't ruin your life -- it was your own misguided actions and your relationship with that awful EJ DiMera. And who are Mary, Laura, Carrie, Grace, and Albert? Did you have quints and not tell me?
 
SALEMITES ATTEND PRAGUE MASKED BALL
International travelers Dr. Marlena Evans, wife of coma king Mr. John Black; romantic couple Mr. and Mrs. Steve Johnson; Titan executive Mr. Sonny Kiriakis; former baseball star and novice private detective Paul Narita; and Detective Rafael Hernandez, the unlikely true love of escaped inmate Ms. Hope Brady, are all attending a festive masked ball in historic, scenic Prague. The ball in which people disguise themselves in often-elaborate masks instead of baseball caps and/or big glasses is a fixture of the Prague social scene, and is attended by the nouveau riche, former Czech Communist Party bigwigs, international drug and arms traffickers, and well-heeled tourists. While at the ball, the globe-trotting Salemites hope to reconnect with an old acquaintance, international businessman Mr. Stefano DiMera, who is rumored to have returned to life yet again. I'm sure that all Salemites join me in wishing our Salem friends a fine stay in Prague and that they enjoy revisiting old times with a resurrected Mr. DiMera.
 
FORMER SALEMITES RETURN FOR ROMANTIC WEDDING
Several familiar names have returned to our city for the fairy-tale remarriage of long-suffering, multiple-kidnap-victim Dr. Kayla Johnson and Mr. Steve "Patch" Johnson, the well-known private investigator and self-styled international man of mystery. Flying in for the event are lost-cat lawyer Ms. Carrie Reed, who was once given the sobriquet "Princess Hag" by those who decided she was an overheated tramp; Mr. Austin Reed, the one-time Salem University instructor who earned the lowest student ratings in the school's history; and Ms. Stephanie Johnson, the former Touch the Sky Airlines stewardess and participant in the infamous cave-sex incident with former Salemite Mr. Max Brady. The distinguished guest list also includes: Mr. Joseph Johnson, who somehow escaped legal liability for his role in a California armed robbery; Mr. Shane Donovan, the underhanded ISA agent; Detective Rafael Hernandez, the former paramour of Ms. Kate Roberts who somehow survived a marriage to Salem screecher Ms. Sami Brady; and the just-freed Ms. Hope Brady who will forever be known as "the woman who shot Stefano DiMera." The wedding is expected to be a festive event, and nobody expects any gunfire, sex-tape viewings, or emotional outbursts by those who hold the happy couple in low regard.
 
Reply from Samantha Gene Brady DiMera, et al:

Hey, you doodyheads! Why wasn't I invited to this event? I'm a real Brady and not a fake one like that old granny, Hope, who has her hooks into MY Rafe. I see how it is. You invite my stoopid sister Carrie and her brain dead husband, but not me?? I HATE YOU!
 
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