Salem Spectator Society Page, Part 3

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LAW SCHOOL SKIT MOCKS MAYOR'S CHOICE FOR POLICE COMMISSIONER
Salem University School of Law's annual Legal Follies show, which usually skewers the faculty, deans, and other administrators added a new target this year when the students derided the choice of ex-convict Detective Hope Brady to be the Salem P.D.'s next commissioner. The student playing Ms. Brady was dressed in prison stripes and wore a badge. After a fawning introduction by a buffoonish "Mayor Carver," she proclaimed that she knew how to fight crime because of her longtime marriage to Salem's biggest felon, Bo Brady. She added that her past incarcerations afforded her a unique view of the justice system. The skit closed with a group of students dressed as members of the Salem P.D. joining the mayor in singing, "Hope, Hope, she's the one, she'll soon have the DiMeras on the run."
 
DOUG'S PLACE REVIVED BY ODD-COUPLE PARTNERS
The former Club TBD has been reopened as the latest incarnation of Doug's Place, the popular 1970s hot spot owned by the one-time singing scammer, Doug Williams. The unlikely partners in this new venture are Salem's own erratic diva, Ms. Chloe Lane, and professional cruiser and toxic busybody Ms. Julie Williams, the wife of Mr. Williams. Despite its vintage name, Doug's Place is not intended as a place where Salem oldsters can relive their long-ago youth by listening to Lawrence Welk or Elvis impersonators or watching singers performing doo-wop music from the 1950s. The decor is strictly modern and on a recent visit, this reporter found it to be patronized by the usual crowd of thirty-something bar-crawlers who were enjoying drinks that did not seem to be watered down. No live music or singing is currently being offered, but it is rumored that Ms. Lane may soon regularly perform songs that are not protected by copyright, such as K-K-K-Katy, Ain't We Got Fun, and Gasoline Gus and His Jitney Bus.
 
NOTED SALEMITE SUDDENLY LEAVES TOWN
Salemites were surprised today to see a leading Salemite, Ms. Nicole Walker, accompanied by Baby Holly, in the Town Square on their way out of town. Ms. Walker a former business executive, Titan TV reporter, DJ-Wear founder, and Horton Center assistant was rumored to be entering a committed relationship with the ex-sex-tape priest, the gloomy Mr. Eric Brady, after dumping billionaire Mr. Brady Black the latest CEO of Titan. This was the latest twist in Ms. Walker's personal life, having been once engaged to the late career criminal and Titan CEO Mr. Deimos Kiriakis and the late sainted super surgeon, Dr. Daniel Jonas. Ms. Walker had previously been married to a remarkable mix of men including perverted physics professor Dr. Trent Robbins, rapist career criminal and attorney Mr. Elvis "EJ" DiMera, grouchy Titan tycoon Mr. Victor Kiriakis, and the currently unemployed Mr. Lucas Horton. Ms. Walker was also known to locals as a babyswitcher and the perpetrator of the infamous Sydnapping. Reasons for her departure are currently unclear, but I'm sure all Salemites will join this writer in wishing that the long-suffering Ms. Walker finds some happiness wherever she goes.
 
ABRUPT END TO K-MANSION NUPTIALS
The unlikely Kiriakis mansion wedding of the apparently newly-divorced Mr. Victor Kiriakis and escaped convict and Adrienne Kiriakis imposter Ms. Bonnie Lockhart, came to an abrupt end today as Ms. Maggie Horton Kiriakis, and Mr. Justin Kiriakis charged into the living room to put an end to the farcical ceremony. The absurd wedding was to have been presided over by Ms. Sheila, an ex-convict, who became an instant minister for the occasion. Its sole witness was to be Titan CEO Mr. Brady Black who had just returned from allegedly ruining the life of the long-suffering Ms. Nicole Walker. Ms. Lockhart was then promptly unmasked as an imposter by the clever Mr. Stephen Johnson, one of Salem's leading private investigators. Thus concluded one of the most dramatic "weddings" in Salem history, whose improbable events probably exceeded that of a previous Kiriakis mansion wedding at which premier party girl Ms. Melanie Jonas was to wed Mr. Philip Kiriakis, and narrowly avoided a deadly poisoned comb devised by Ms. Vivian Alamain only to be shot by her own mother, former Detective-Bo-Brady paramour Ms. Carly "Polka-Dot-Bra" Manning.
 
NOTED PHYSICIAN PASSES AWAY AGAIN -- MAYBE
Dr. Wilhelm Rolf, the noted physician, mad-scientist, and short-term butler to John Black during his RoboJohn phase has passed away in his Salem Inn room. Details are sketchy, but Dr. Rolf is rumored to have committed suicide by poison to escape being hectored by the infamous Sami screecher, Ms. Sami Brady. This is not Dr. Rolf's first reported death. After his apparent resurrection, he explained it with the famous words, "It didn't stick." Dr. Rolf was famous for many remarkable feats while in the employ of international businessman and alleged criminal mastermind, Mr. Stefano DiMera. These included creating the Gemini twins, transforming Mr. John Black into "The Pawn," resurrecting Mr. Black after a fatal road accident and later downloading his entire memory onto a CD, and forcing current ex-convict police commissioner, Ms. Hope Brady, into the role of a DiMera tool, Princess Gina. No word has been received regarding funeral arrangements, but well informed sources indicate that Dr. Rolf's mortal remains will be given over to the custody of Mr. Andre DiMera. Whether Dr. Rolf will return to life is now a subject of popular debate among those Salemites who are sick of discussing Kennedy assassination conspiracy theories and UFO sightings.
 
DrBakerFan said:
transforming Mr. John Black into "The Pawn," resurrecting Mr. Black after a fatal road accident and later downloading his entire memory onto a CD
Click to expand...
Reply from Sami Brady DiMera, et al: First of all, I AM NOT A SCREECHER! Secondly, that is one CD you couldn't even sell in the clearance bin at the 99 Cent store! John Black is so stoopid all of his brains and memories would fit in a thimble. Did I ever tell you about the time he ruined my life?? PS: EJ did so change!
 
SALEM NOTABLES STAR IN ANNUAL THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE
Salem's annual Thanksgiving Day parade was a grand success easily surpassing the Macy's event in New York City. Leading the way was the parade grand marshal, civic leader, and elite socialite Ms. Giselle van Hopper who rode along in her splendid vintage Rolls Royce. Marvelous floats included a replica of the DiMera Tuscan villa with Mr. and Mrs. Chad DiMera happily waving from its balcony, a replica of the Acropolis with Titan Mogul Mr. Victor Kiriakis greeting the throngs of spectators while Ms. Maggie Kiriakis tossed packets of home-baked cookies to gaggles of thrilled tots, and a mock-up of Doug's Place that featured Salem diva Ms. Chloe Lane and YouTube flop Ms. Claire Black belting out songs that are not under copyright. Among the impressive array of balloons was University Hospital's Dr. Daniel Jonas (complete with halo and angel's wings) guided by Mr. Seth Burns, Dr. Kayla Johnson, and Dr. Valerie Grant; a giant beer keg handled by Salem U. students; and a huge Brady Burger controlled by Roman, Screechy Sami, and Eric "Bad Twin" Brady. The culmination of the parade was Santa's sleigh with Mayor Abraham Carver playing Salem's own Santa Claus, who dispensed with the usual ho, ho, hos, and instead repeatedly barked at puzzled bystanders: "JJ Deveraux belongs in jail." All in all, it was a glorious event and all Salemites are now looking forward to the 2018 parade.
 
REUNION OF SALEM NOTABLES ENDS BADLY
A social tete-a-tete involving Ms. Samantha Brady, the infamously-loud Salem screecher; her resurrected, amnesiac son Mr. William Horton; and notorious serial necktie strangler Mr. Benjamin Weston ended on a low note yesterday. After acquiring some faux knowledge from glancing at a psychology treatise owned by her mother, Dr. Marlena Evans, Ms. Brady "invited" Mr. Weston to assist her in restoring her son's memories, particularly those involving herself. After Mr. Weston apparently declined to be of assistance, Ms. Brady allegedly offered him some not-so-subtle encouragement by pointing a loaded pistol at him. Thus motivated, Mr. Weston began to reenact his strangulation of Mr. Horton, but things ended badly when Mr. Weston declined to continue and a gasping Mr. Horton failed to recover even a scintilla of his memory. In addition to a severe tongue-lashing by both Mr. Weston and Mr. Horton, Ms. Brady's efforts were poorly received by Dr. Evans, her husband Mr. John Black, and the emotionally-drained Mr. Lucas Horton, William's devoted father. A distraught Ms. Brady is reportedly now roaming the Town Square area looking for emotional support, and all Salemites are strongly advised to avoid her at all costs.
 
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DIMERA NEW YEAR'S EVE BASH A BUST
The New Year's Eve bash at the fashionable Doug's Place was shaken from its tedium and mediocrity by the sudden appearance of career criminal Ms. Vivian Alamain and the late Stefano DiMera's latest surprise spawn, the improbably named Stefan O. DiMera. She announced to the flabbergasted guests that the imbecilic DiMera Board had voted to install Stefan O. as CEO instead of the popular Mr. Chadsworth DiMera. Hosted by local diva Ms. Chloe Lane and her ample cleavage, the event was intended to be a celebration of Mr. Chadsworth DiMera's elevation to CEO. In addition to Mr. Chadsworth DiMera and his wife Ms. Abigail DiMera, the befuddled guests included Mr. and Mrs. Andre DiMera, rotating police commissioners Ms. Hope Brady and Mr. Rafael Hernandez, Gabi Chic founder Ms. Gabriella Hernandez, perpetually-gloomy Mr. Eric Brady, the typically sleeveless newspaperwoman Ms. Jennifer Deveraux, and the inebriated Ms. Ciara Brady. All the ladies looked stunning in their gowns except Ms. Alamain who wore a cape that may have been borrowed from Count Dracula and Ms. Ciara Brady who was dressed in black leather, which would have been perfect for a visit to a biker's bar. All in all, as the first event in the Salem social season, this event was a decided flop and Ms. Giselle van Hopper, the leader of Salem high society, need not fear that her elite events will be surpassed by anything staged by the self-selected and decidedly dysfunctional Salem in-crowd
 
NOTED SALEMITE FORMALLY ENDS MARRIAGE
Mr. William Horton, the recently resurrected amnesiac and noted hack writer, has filed for a divorce from Mr. Jackson "Sonny" Kiriakis the CEO of Titan Enterprises. Now that Mr. Kiriakis has abandoned plans to contest the divorce, it will be a sad end to a marriage that began with a festive Town Square wedding presided over by famed psychiatrist Dr. Marlena Evans. Sadly, like so many Salem marriages, things eventually deteriorated because Mr. Horton allegedly broke his marriage vows with two other men and a distraught Mr. Kiriakis then decamped for Paris. The marriage then seemed to end tragically when Mr. Horton fell victim to the notorious necktie strangler, the mad and bad Mr. Benjamin Weston. The news that Mr. Horton had miraculously returned to life sparked hopes that the couple might resume their marriage, but these were soon extinguished by Mr. Horton's total amnesia and his unbridled lust for other men, notably the handsome former baseball star, Mr. Paul Narita. Mr. Kiriakis has made no public statement regarding the divorce and in a misspelled, ungrammatical note to this reporter, Mr. Horton indicated that he's too busy doing some secret, amateur sleuthing with Mr. Narita to make any public statement.
 
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ANDRE DIMERA LAST RITES PREDICTABLY GO AWRY
What were intended to be dignified, solemn last rites for the late businessman, one-time crazed criminal, and the reformed Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Andre DiMera, collapsed into chaos this week as the family mausoleum was invaded by escaped convict and Dr. Marlena Evans look-a-like Ms. Hattie Adams. As the late Mr. DiMera's friends and family watched in horror, Ms. Adams heaped vile verbal abuse on the dearly departed and engaged in a heated verbal altercation with Ms. Abigail Deveraux DiMera. When Mr. Chadsworth DiMera and Mr. Stefan O. DiMera attempted to forcibly remove Ms. Adams a fracas ensued, which caused Mr. DiMera's casket to fall to the floor. His cold, dead hand ended up draped across a horrified Ms. Vivian Alamain. Ms. Alamain, who is very familiar with crypts and mausoleums, quickly regained what for her passes as composure while the talkative Ms. Adams was hauled off to police headquarters. The late Mr. DiMera has now been interred in his crypt, although informed sources consider it likely that he, like his late father Mr. Stefano DiMera, will return to life if and when it is required by the Days of Our Lives writers.
 
FIRED FBI AGENT AND EX-CON MARRIED IN RUSTIC CEREMONY
Washed-up FBI agent, Salem P.D. Detective Rafael Alejandro Hernandez has wed the nation's only ex-convict police commissioner, Ms. Hope Alice Williams Brady Jennings, at the rustic, drafty Horton Cabin on rain-soaked, frigid Smith Island. Mr. Hernandez is the son of the incarcerated retired assassin Mr. Eduardo Hernandez, and is the brother of Ms. Gabriella Hernandez, the former owner of Gabi Chic who has been charged with the murder of Mr. Andre DiMera. He was formerly married to the infamous Salem screecher, Ms. Sami Brady. The new bride is the daughter of former conman Mr. Doug Williams and professional busybody Ms. Julie Williams. She was formerly married to the late infamous detective-felon Mr. Beauregard Aurelius Brady and was very briefly wed to attorney and necktie-strangler wannabe, Mr. Aiden Jennings. The marriage was celebrated by a local justice of the peace and witnessed by whatever raccoons and mice were lurking unseen in the cabin's dark corners. The bride wore a black blouse with red hearts, while the groom was fetchingly attired in his best black t-shirt. Unlike many Salem in-crowd weddings in the past, it was not interrupted by gunshots or shouts from badly-behaved guests. However, the new couple cannot be said to have escaped the many pitfalls that await Salem weddings until they successfully navigate their festive reception, which is to take place at Salem's trendiest club, Doug's Place.
 
MASSIVE BLOWUP AT DOUG's PLACE WEDDING RECEPTION
Having successfully navigated the perils of a Salem wedding on chilly, rain-drenched Smith Island, Detective Rafael Hernandez and sometime police commissioner, Ms. Hope Brady, may have thought that they were on the verge of that rarity in Salem, a happy married life. Alas, that was not to be as YouTube flop and all-around drama queen, Ms. Claire Brady, loudly proclaimed that Mr. Hernandez's on-the-rebound one-night stand with ex-wife Ms. Sami Brady, which occurred after he was unceremoniously dumped by his fiancee, was "cheating." Brushing aside Mr. Hernandez's feebly-delivered explanations, the new Ms. Hernandez launched into a self-righteous diatribe before storming out of the premises. This allowed her half-sister/step-mother, veteran cruiser and inveterate busybody Ms. Julie Williams, to excoriate Mr. Hernandez and his sister, murder suspect Ms. Gabriella Hernandez. Ms. Williams's creative invective even included a mention of her "precious Nick," the mentally unbalanced, predatory Mr. Nick Fallon, who was murdered by Ms. Hernandez several years ago. As the stunned Mr. Hernandez rushed off into the night in search of Ms. Brady, the befuddled wedding guests drifted away, perhaps pondering their own infidelities and ensuing cover-ups.
 
ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST: BLACK-DONOVAN NUPTIALS COME TO A SUDDEN END
The hasty marriage of Mr. Brady Black and Ms. Eve Donovan, which was to take place in the living room of the posh Kiriakis mansion, ended in a predictably disastrous manner as the angry bride informed the startled groom that she wouldn't marry him "if he was the last man on earth." As the startled would-be officiant, attorney Mr. Justin Kiriakis, and the witnesses, former baseball star Mr. Paul Narita and noted amnesiac Mr. Will Horton watched, Ms. Donovan raged at Mr. Black and was deaf to his ensuing plaintive pleas. According to informed sources, Ms. Donovan's rage stemmed from her discovery that Mr. Black's wooing of her was a cheap plot hatched by Titan tycoon Mr. Victor Kiriakis designed to regain control of the obscure fashion company Basic Black, which was once owned by coma king Mr. John "That's a Fact" Black. This would have been the third marriage for Ms. Donovan who had previously been wed to the now incarcerated assassin Mr. Eduardo Hernandez and the late career criminal, Mr. Deimos Kiriakis. Mr. Black had previously been married to washed-up diva Ms. Chloe Lane, the current co-owner of the seedy night spot, Doug's Place.
 
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