The News According to Sami: Spoiler Edition

Jenny sees Gabi and Chad sharing a close moment. What a snoop! Don't you just hate nosy people?

Sonny tries to break up the argument between Justin and Lucas. Why is my Lucas wasting his time arguing with a a man who managed to blow the Hope murder case? Never argue with an idiot I always say. By the way, that Sonny was never good enough for my son, Will.

Jennifer once again tries to convince Abigail to let Chad know she’s alive. That tramp, Abigail, is still alive? OMG, women in Salem had better make sure that this creature isn't in the shower with their husbands, fiances, or boyfriends.

Eduardo and Kate spend Thanksgiving together. If this Eduardo has any sense, he'll bring along a food taster.
 
Ciara engages in online dating. How sad. When I was her age I always could attract handsome guys with my good looks and magnetic, truly radiant personality.

Hope makes a friend in prison. Hmm, if Hope develops a circle of friends, maybe she'd be interested in becoming a prison sales rep for Truly Radiant products.

Nicole consorts with Deimos. The only time this baby-switching tramp never had good taste in men was when she fooled my poor EJ into marrying her. She and this Deimos thing deserve each other.

Abigail is still in the attic. This shower-loving tramp sounds even battier than that hag, Kate. The longer she sits in the attic with the cobwebs, spiders, and mice (of course Jenny's house has mice), the safer things will be for the unsuspecting young men in Salem
 
Steve gives Kayla a gift. He'll probably buy her a pair of snow tires. My handsome EJ has more romance in his little finger than Patch Johnson has in his whole body.

Kate helps Adrienne. After Adrienne is well, that money-grubbing hag, Kate, will probably send her a hefty bill.

Abigail plans to leave the attic. If and when this shower-loving tramp ever emerges from Jenny's attic, the women of Salem had better start keeping a close eye on their men.

Gabi tests JJ. Isn't it a shame that some Salem men are so untrustworthy, unlike my darling, ever-faithful EJ.
 
Lani returns. Who cares. The only persons that Salem wants to come back are me and my handsome, changed smoochy-moochy. Mayor Abe would probably give us a ticker-tape parade just like the ones they hold in Manhattan.

Kate actually does help Adrienne. The hag actually does a good deed -- hard to believe. She'll now probably stab a few people in the back just so that the world doesn't think that she's going soft.

The Horton Christmas party. What a dumb event -- foolish Hortons hanging bulbs with their names on them. My beautiful tree and its special ornaments are light years better. That said, Merry Christmas to the best Horton, my Lucas. May he get lucky and find a woman who's 10% as attractive and personable as myself. (Anything higher than 10% is totally impossible.)
 
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By the way, this is the best Horton ornament ever made. I don't understand why they don't hang it on the tree, front and center. It would class up that stoopid old tree.

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Abigail confronts Gabi: That man-stealing little tramp has some nerve confronting anyone. She was never anywhere good enough for smoochy-moochy's little brother. Maybe, I should text Gabi with some good zingers to use on that creature.

Kate gets upsetting news: Upsetting news for that hag is always great news for me. Hopefully, it's something like she'll be alone for Christmas and New Year's Eve again. She deserves it after the way she's treated my Lucas for years.

Jade's and Joey's impending parenthood. OMG, another case of two people who are sure to be unfit parents just like Kate and John Black. It's such a shame that all children can't get the wonderful mothering that my ten or fifteen children have received.

Rafe, etc. reeling at learning bad news. Sorry to hear that my Rafe is upset. The bad news must refer to the message on my Christmas card that I just can't make it back to Salem for the holidays.
 
Anna, Carrie & Austin get into some sort of adventure in Prague. Wouldn't it be great if my stoopid sister was arrested by the communist secret police? The communists are still in charge in Prague, aren't they?

Steve, Rafe, Marlena & Paul go to Prague in search of STEFANO (his body is exhumed after some info is received from Shane). My handsome smoochy-moochy's daddy sure does get around, doesn't he? Hopefully, those nasty communists won't arrest my Rafe -- just that awful, icky Carrie.

Deimos & Brady team up to prove Holly (the new baby's name) is the bio child of Nicole & Daniel. Usually, I don't wish this babyswitcher well, but maybe if she had her own baby, she wouldn't be trying to steal any of my wonderful, exceptional, brilliant children.

Eric is released from prison, returns, and helps someone unexpected. Good news and bad news here. Good that my foolish twin is out of jail. The bad news is that I can no longer support my claim to being the good twin by saying that my brother is in prison,

Chloe finally awakes from her coma. Chloe is such a doofus. How could they tell that she was in a coma?

Nicole faces attempted murder charges??? Why bother? Even if the babyswitcher is convicted, she'll be out in six months. And if her victim is life-ruiner John Black (hope, hope), Mayor Abe should give her the key to the city.
 
Marlena goes to Prague. Good news. Now Mom is far away from that life-ruining John Black.

Carrie goes to Prague. Pity the poor locals. The arrival of this horrid hag in their city is probably the worst thing to happen to them since the Soviet tanks rolled in back in 1968. (See, I do know some history! :))

Abigail with Dario. OMG, not only is she a man-stealing tramp, but she's also a dime-store cheat. Smoochy-moochy's little brother should drop her in a Salem second. Stoopid Jenny should do everyone a favor and put her back in the attic.

Chloe wakes up. Big woop. This tramp who cheated on my Lucas has simply gone from being comatose to dazed and confused.
 
Nicole goes to jail: Has that tramp gone back to her babyswitching/kidnapping ways? Anyway, she's where she belongs.

Eric saves Hope: Even bad twins do something good once in a while -- a very great while.

Belle represents Chloe: She actually hired that stoopid Belle? She must be even dumber than my stoopid sister. Whatever her case is, she now has no chance.

The three-way family war: None of this would happen if my changed smoochy-moochy was in Salem. He'd tell those stoopid Kiriakises and stoopid Hernandezes what's what. Nobody would dare cross my handsome, manly EJ. (Just so there's no understanding, my Rafe is the only smart Hernandez. The rest of them are a pack of doodyheads.)
 
Jenny wants to destroy Orwell. [How typical of her. Instead of standing in the way of progress, she should keep an eye on her trampy daughter.]

Jenny visits the docks. [This ranting, squawking, confrontational screecher should do everyone a favor and take the first ship to Yokohama, Shanghai, Mumbai, or Singapore -- any place far, far from Salem. By the way, don't you just hate screechy women?]

Eric visits Salem. [Hopefully, he wasn't driving. The bad twin really shouldn't get behind the wheel.]

Nicole wonders about Deimos. [Of course this bum is no good. The only man in Salem history to truly change was my handsome, charming, sophisticated EJ.]

Deimos threatens Gabi. [What a creep. In contrast, my darling smoochy-moochy was always a perfect gentleman.]
 
Stefano might be at a masquerade ball. [Kate the horrid hag could go as herself -- the wicked witch.]

Chad & Abby are kidnapped. [Big woop. Anybody who is anybody in Salem has been kidnapped, even that blackmailing, jewelry-loving brat, Ciara. ]

Steve's & Kayla's wedding: [This is sure to be a ho-hum affair. All the romance was sucked out of Salem when my handsome EJ and I left town.]

Rafe worries about Hope: [I seriously doubt this. All of my Rafe's waking hours are probably spent dreaming of me.]
 
Eric's possible feelings for Jenny: OMG, if anyone can make the bad twin badder, it's this mother-of-a-tramp.

Carrie and Austin return to Salem: Good grief. The presence of these two dummies in Salem will drag down the city's average IQ by several points.

Stephanie returns to Salem: Poor Salem. Another loser returns. Stephanie might want to get together with shower-loving Abigail, babyswitcher Nicole, granny Kate, and incubator Chloe for a meeting of Tramps 'R Us.

Kayla and Steve marry: Big woop. It will never last. Successful marriages happen only once in a generation in Salem and for my age group, it's darling smoochy-moochy and my truly radiant self.
 
Who wins in the Baby Holly affair: My money is on the babyswitcher. No child should be brought up by a tramp who cheated on my Lucas with that orange-tinted, scruffy, horndog doctor guy.

Hattie confronts Andre: Why is everyone persecuting members of smoochy-moochy's family? Sure Andre has been a little rough around the edges, but let's bygones be bygones. After all I forgave my handsome EJ after he changed. And he did so change!

Marlena visits Eric: Hopefully, she'll tell him what a bad twin he is and how he should try to be more like me.

Gabi and Chad: OMG, are my EJ's little brother and my Rafe's sister still locked up?? Enough with this do-it-yourself sleuthing by stoopid people! Why doesn't somebody call Daddy. His smart cops will free the pair of them in a Salem second. Yes, they will.
 
Eduardo still wants Kate: This guy must be really, really stoopid. Who in their right mind wants a lover who's a granny, a nasty old hag, and who is likely to slip them a poisoned brownie? Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Eric and Jenny: Anyone who thinks that the bad twin hasn't been punished enough for causing the death of that scruffy horndog doctor can relax. Getting involved with that mother-of-a-tramp is sure to cause him untold misery. First, he'll lose his hearing because of her screechy rants, and then he'll lose his mind (what's left of it).

Chad offers Abigail a job: Smoochy-moochy's little brother should give that man-stealing tramp something she's qualified to do, such as trysting with DiMera Enterprises business associates or taking long, long showers with them.

Deimos plans to kidnap Baby Holly: I'll bet he got the idea from babyswitcher Nicole Walker. Anyway, what kind of man would take a tiny baby away from its mother? My handsome, caring EJ would be appalled by the very idea.
 
Nicole fears for her life as she hides out with Holly. Pity the poor babyswitcher. Imagine being told that you'd be a worse mother than that worthless man-stealing tramp, Chloe Lane.

Adrienne and Justin share a tender moment. Adrienne stinks. First she leads on my Lucas and then she goes back to canoodling with her third-rate shyster lawyer husband. I HATE her!

Steve learns a shocking truth about his past. Has he finally realized that he's been a doodyhead? Why is he a doodyhead? Easy, he never liked my handsome, lovable EJ or his dear old daddy. What a poor judge of character.

Eli forces Valerie to tell Julie the truth about his father. This Eli sounds like a real loser -- being mean to his poor mother. Why can't he be more like me? I've always been a loving daughter and have been far nicer to my stoopid sisters than they deserve.

Kate continues to rebuff Eduardo's affections. As much as I hate to say it, for once the old hag is right on this one. Stoopid Eduardo isn't handsome like my EJ, rich like grouchy old Victor, and isn't nearly smart enough to outsmart Daddy's brave police force. You can hang the big L for loser on him.
 
Eric returns to Salem: Big woop. I'll bet that everyone will be saying that they wished it was Sami, the good twin, who's returning to Salem. I'll bet they'd have a welcoming parade.

Dario takes dancing lessons. I have no idea who this doodyhead is, but he's certainly no match for my handsome smoochy-moochy who was such a great dancer that he made Fred Astaire look like a clumsy, lead-footed oaf.

Kate is angry at Eduardo. Good news. Now the old witch will get more frown lines and look even more like the hideous hag that she is. :rotfl:

Jenny and Eric share a kiss. :eek::eek: Please, I'm about to get sick. The very thought of the bad twin smooching that mother-of-a-tramp is too disgusting to contemplate. I guess all the true romance went right out of Salem when handsome EJ and I left town.
 
Chloe kisses someone. This baby-stealing tramp better not plant her grubby lips on my Daddy!

Abigail is missing. They should first look in the men's showers at the Salem Health Club!

Eric gets a warm welcome from Brady. Oh wow, the bad twin actually has a friend. That's one more than he deserves.

Adrienne's operation: This is a serious matter, so I'll skip the snark and wish her well.
 
Adrienne makes her choice. Whomever she chooses wins the booby prize. How could my Lucas ever have battled for the hand of this creature? After all, she's the one who said that my wonderful Will wasn't good enough for her wanna-be gangster son, Sonny.

Eric and Jenny go on a date. The bad twin keeps getting badder, consorting with the mother of one of the worst tramps in Salem history. Talk about poor judgment!

Brady loves Nicole. OMG, yet another man falling for an inappropriate woman, this time a babyswitcher and a kidnapper. What's wrong with Salem men anyway?

Chad gives Deimos a taste of his own medicine. Good for smoochy-moochy's baby brother, lettng this stoopid upstart Kiriakis know who's boss. My handsome, changed EJ and his dear old daddy will be so proud.
 
Gabi and Chad renew their vows. This is OK with me as long as they don't think that they could ever replace me and my darling, handsome, perfect, changed smoochy-moochy as Salem's golden couple.

Abigail confronts Kate. OMG, the man-stealing tramp has it out with the hag of all hags. I hope they both lose.

Paul and Sonny make love. Already??? It's only yesterday that my poor, dear Will met his tragic end. This Sonny has no class. I HATE him.

Deimos demotes Sonny. Way to go, Deimos, whoever you are. This wretched kid isn't fit to wash dishes in the Pub. (Even Nick Fallon could do that.)
 
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