The News According to Sami: Spoiler Edition

Marlena confronts Victor about Eric. Why is my mother sticking up for the very bad twin? What a waste of time? Living with that doodyhead John Black must be affecting her judgment.

Chad and Abigail's renewal of vows. Handsome EJ's baby brother is making a big mistake. Any kind of vow exchange in public is an invitation to disaster. Remember what happened during my weddings to smoochy-moochy.

Bad news about Countess W. Oh joy! Is the Kate the hag's awful cosmetic company finally going belly-up? Slathering this gunk on their face would be any woman's road to ruin. Instead, they should be using wonderful Truly Radiant products.

Nicole's troubles with Scooter. Usually, problems for the baby-switcher are music to my ears, but this Scooter is so ultra creepy he could be from Salem. Trampy Nicole should do what I'd do, which is a choice of: a) shooting him, b) burning down a building where he is, c) knocking him senseless and dumping him in a local river, or d) donating his precious car to charity.
 
Eric tries to get Chloe to make peace with Nicole: Another bad move by the bad twin. He should let these two tramps battle it out to the bitter end. (My money is on the babyswitcher.)

Marlena reunites with John. :sick::sick::sick::sick: Mom would be better off catching the bubonic plague.

Gabi-Julie confrontation. I'm with my Rafe's little sister here. Granny Hope's smug, self-satisfied mother needs to give Salem a break by taking a long cruise.

Chad tries to win back Abigail. What's wrong with my smoochy-moochy's little brother? Salem men just have such bad taste in woman (with the exception of my handsome EJ of course). (My Rafe and my Lucas used to have good taste in women, but ever since their relationships with me ended, they're as dumb as anyone else.)
 
Abigail is surprised about Jenny and Eric having a past. So am I. Who knew that the bad twin had such bad taste in women? He's obviously no connoisseur of femininity like my darling, changed smoochy-moochy.

Nicole and Brady face a threat. No surprise here. The trampy babyswitcher lives under a permanent storm cloud. Everyone should batten down the hatches when she's around.

Jenny confronts Anne. OMG, the mother-of-a-tramp is at it again. When will she learn to keep her stoopid mouth shut? I just hate women who can't control their emotions. Don't you?

Sonny and Paul head to Canada. Would it be mean to hope that doodyhead "Big Boy" lookalike Sonny (he was never good enough for Will) comes out on the wrong end of a confrontation with a large, angry moose?
 
Eric asks Jenny for a date. Maybe, I should stop calling Eric the "bad twin" and start describing him as the "stoopid twin." This man has absolutely no taste in women. Next, he'll start consorting with that unspeakable hag, Kate!

Brady urges Eric to rescue Nicole. The blonde babyswitcher is doomed. The stoopid twin couldn't find his way across the street, much less locate a tramp in distress.

Rafe takes Hope to the Hernandez family picnic. What is wrong with my Rafe? Why does he have such a taste for over-the-hill grannies. If he can't have me, he should just go kissless like Daddy, who's doing just fine.

Marlena gets unsettling news about John. No big surprise here. Everything about doodyhead John Black is unsettling. Ruining my life was just the start of his career of causing unhappiness for others.
 
Chad fumes over Abigail seeing Dario. Smoochy-moochy's little brother should count himself lucky that somebody is willing to take this shower-loving, man-stealing tramp off his hands.

As Brady's condition worsens, Marlena tries to contact John. OMG, why? The mere sight of that wretched lifer-ruiner would be sure to finish off the hapless Brady. By the way, I HATE John Black!!

Eric is ripped by Nicole. Serves the sorry bad twin right. Trying to help the babyswitcher was a bad idea in so many ways.

Chloe visits Brady. Somebody should put a guard on this poor man's door. If seeing John Black doesn't kill him, the sight of the common tramp who cheated on my Lucas with that orange-tinted horndog doctor surely will.
 
Eric rescues Nicole. Another bad deed by the bad twin. I guess when genes were handed out to Mom's children I got all the good ones and sad sack Eric and Carrie the hag got the leftovers.

Abigail socializes with Dario. First a madman, then EJ's little brother, and now a cheap thug? This tramp is dazed and confused about men. She should probably enter a convent. She'll never be satisfied with any man after sampling the very best -- my handsome, virile, sophisticated, dashing, charming smoochy-moochy.

Marlena reunites with John. Poor Mom, she never seems to learn. John Black is a life-ruiner, plain and simple. He carries a dark cloud with him wherever he goes. Storm warning flags should fly in Salem whenever he's in town.

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John Black warning flag.

Jade badmouths Kayla to Tripp. This Jade creature is giving young, scheming women a bad name. She'll never meet the standards that I set back in the day, so she shouldn't even try. Maybe, she should enter a convent with Sister Abigail.
 
Teen Ciara is horrified by the Wyatt-Theo arrangement. What's with Granny Hope's daughter? She ought to be glad that anyone is interested in her. After all, what guy would want to be part of her family? He could end up with a trigger-happy felon as a mother-in-law and have to endure endless stories about the "great" Bo Brady. He wasn't great. The big dope was constantly mean to my handsome, changed smoochy-moochy and his dear old daddy.

Everyone rushes to Xander Island to rescue Nicole. Why? Has all of Salem gone insane? I wouldn't cross the Town Square to rescue the baby-switching tramp.

Brady is fading fast. Sorry about poor Brady, but the reason he seems to be on the way out isn't because he was shot, but because he finally realized the full implications of being the son of life-ruining John Black. That's a shock to the system that would finish off almost anyone.
 
DrBakerFan said:
What's with Granny Hope's daughter? She ought to be glad that anyone is interested in her. After all, what guy would want to be part of her family? He could end up with a trigger-happy felon as a mother-in-law and have to endure endless stories about the "great" Bo Brady. He wasn't great.
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Reply from Lucas: Uhhhh, Sami. The same could be said for Allie and Sydney. Seems to me YOU shot Bernardi and YOU'RE always singing the praises of your "changed, sweet, smoochy-moochy." Pot, kettle??

Reply from Sami: Shut up! I hate you! PS: but you still belong to me, in case you forgot. Rafe, too.
 
Eric returns to Salem. Remember that old song, The Sun Ain't Gone Shine Anymore? With the gloomy, sour bad twin around, it'll be a cloudy day every day in Salem.

Chad caught in lies. If only handsome, sexy, changed EJ and his wise, caring old daddy were around to guide Chad. His lies would be much more convincing and he'd never have gotten involved with that man-stealing tramp, Abigail or that old hag, Granny Kate :sick:. I HATE them both!

Nicole is in custody. I can't say that I didn't see this coming. The babyswitcher was born to be incarcerated. And don't expect me to donate to the defense fund!

Steve investigates a threat to Adrienne. She's in danger? What a shame. :rotfl: After saying that my boy, Will, wasn't good enough for her stoopid son, and then stealing my Lucas, she deserves to be in danger.
 
John says goodbye to Marlena and goes on an ISA mission. Stoopid John not only ruined my life with his table-top gymnastics, but ever since he's been making my poor, clueless mother's life absolutely miserable. How many times has he skipped out on her for some super-dumb ISA thingie. I'll bet these "missions" involve cleaning toilets and mopping floors at ISA headquarters.

Adrienne learns Sonny's plane is missing. Oh, boo-hoo. Everyone knows there's absolutely no chance that any harm has come to the conceited little brat. By the way, he was never good enough for my Will.

Kate makes a shocking move. Who cares. The best move that this hideous hag could make is to wear a paper bag over her head.

Julie rips Valerie. Pity poor Dr. Grant. Granny Hope's batty old mother is out of control. It's time to give her one of Dr. Rolf's secret injections, which would suddenly cause her to focus on cruising, cookie-baking, bingo, and shuffleboard.
 
Reply from Marlena: Sami dear, we really need to talk about your attitude. John is a loving, caring, responsible husband, father and grandfather. And he loves his country, which is why he goes on secret ISA missions. You mustn't speak badly of him. And, I don't appreciate you calling me clueless. At least I graduated from medical school and I know all of my children's names, unlike some I know.

Reply from Sami: I know, right? You'd think Kate and Maggie could keep their kids straight. Doodyheads.
 
Hope gives Claire advice. OMG, this is a case of the blind leading the blonde. What's Granny Hope going to say -- "Don't shoot kindly old men with vengeful relatives," "Don't pour gasoline all over your husband," "Don't marry would-be necktie stranglers," or "Don't let anyone turn you into Princess Gina?"

Nicole blasts Deimos about her kidnapping. Isn't there something deliciously ironic about this? A babyswitcher who's now kidnapped two infants squawking because she herself was kidnapped?

Nicole gets community service. Melinda Trask is a big, big doodyhead. She wanted to hang me from the rafters for shooting the vile Bernardi, but she lets a serial babynapper off with community service. Stoopid, stoopid, stoopid.

Eric and Jenny's date goes awry. How could it not? What a combination: the bad twin sitting there looking sad, frowny, and gloomy, while stoopid Jenny, the mother of a tramp, wearing one of her tacky sleeveless dresses, rants and raves about her problem person of the moment. I'm surprised that any Salem restaurant would give these two a table.
 
Abigail is going to marry Dario. This Dario must be really, really stoopid. Marrying this trampy man-stealer is most assuredly the road to total ruin.

Sonny makes an unpopular move. No surprise here. If this little twerp is as bad a CEO of Titan as he was a husband to my wonderful son Will, company employees will be trampling each other in a mad rush to the exits.

Eric confides to Marlena about Nicole and Jenny. Can the bad twin get any badder? Instead of moaning to Mom about the mother-of-a-tramp and the babyswitcher, he should be urging her to finally dump life-ruining John Black.

Rafe and Hope close in on Deimos. Wow, Granny Hope put down her crocheting and got out of her rocking chair to actually do some police work! Frankly, my Rafe should be working alone. The trigger-happy senior citizen just might shoot him by mistake.
 
Rafe proposes to Hope. How dare my Rafe propose without asking my permission. And what does he see in Granny Hope? Sure she's a step up from hideous hag Kate, but she can never measure up to me.

Nicole and Eric kiss. The bad twin just has no taste in women. I just can't understand it. To find the perfect woman he should find somebody who's almost like me. I say almost because no woman could possibly measure up to my standards of excellence.

Theo's decision about Claire. Smoochy-moochy's tiny little brother should dump that singing wannabe. She's got a really nasty mouth. I just can't understand how some women are such screechers. Why can't they be calm, sweet and reasonable like me?

Everyone takes Halo. Good grief. Now half of Salem will be as dazed and confused as John Black is all day, every day.
 
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DrBakerFan said:
Theo's decision about Claire. Smoochy-moochy's nephew should dump that singing wannabe. She's got a really nasty mouth. I just can't understand how some women are such screechers. Why can't they be calm, sweet and reasonable like me?
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Reply from Marlena: Sami, dear, please remember that Claire is your own niece.

Reply from Sami: My niece? Who is her mother? Bimbo Belle or Crybaby Carrie? Doesn't matter, I hate them both. Claire sounds like a squawking chicken when she sings. No wonder she hasn't made it as a star. She couldn't even get hired to sing for free in the middle of Horton Town Square (which, by the way, should be renamed DiMera Town Square after my sweet smoochy-moochy!)
 
Nicole gets caught in a lie. Big woop. The babyswitcher lies with every breath she takes. That said, she has my sympathy. Judge Thorpe is the biggest judicial doodyhead in Salem. He's even worse than that DiMera favorite, Judge Fitzpatrick.

Abigail marries Dario. Gee, this Dario is dumb. How long will it be before trampy Abigail starts sneaking away to the Horton cabin for trysts with other guys or jumping into showers in the Salem U. men's locker room?

Sonny confesses to Paul. What happened? In a moment of self-awareness, did the little pipsqueak confess that he was never really good enough for my Will, the brilliant writer and nicest guy in Salem history? He even almost measured up to my handsome, changed smoochy-moochy.

Lucas confronts Kate about marrying Andre. What's wrong with my Lucas? He should sit back and enjoy the freak show. How often does a hideous hag marry a psychopath?
 
Lani finds evidence relating to Deimos's murder. She actually found evidence? OMG, this is truly remarkable. I love Daddy, but let's be honest, his police force couldn't catch a cold.

Abigail is suspicious of Dario. Is this a case of what goes around comes around? Could the little tramp's new boyfriend be consorting with other men's fiancees or jumping into the shower with members of the opposite sex?

Brady is jealous when he sees Nicole and Eric together. Jealous? This poor dolt should be over at St. Luke's on his knees praying that the babyswitcher takes up with the bad twin. Does't he realize that a relationship with this tramp is the road to absolute ruin. When my poor, poor smoochy-moochy foolishly fell into Nicole's clutches it was nothing but misery. Thank goodness that he came to his senses.

Jade considers causing more trouble. This creature is giving conniving women a bad name. That hag, Granny Kate, should arrange to have her run out of town.
 
Lucas is jealous of Justin comforting Adrienne. Oh, please, my Lucas would never be jealous of a man paying attention to the mother of that unworthy brat, Sonny. All his emotional energy is taken up with longing for me.

Kate and Andre clash. Andre is doomed. He could never prevail against Kate's fangs and claws. This horrible hag makes Horton the Salem Tiger look like a little kitty cat.

JJ warns Chad. The stoopid Deveraux delinquent talks too much. How dare he get mouthy with my EJ's little brother. If smoochy-moochy and his dear daddy were still in Salem, they'd straighten out this little twerp. My Daddy made a big mistake in hiring Jenny's pot-smoking/window-smashing son.

Abigail asks Andre's help regarding Dario's dealings. This is a real role reversal. This Dario person should be the one asking somebody to investigate trampy Abby. Who knows whose bed or shower she'll end up in next?
 
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