The News According to Sami

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DrBakerFan

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Sami may be gone from Salem, but she's still paying attention to what's going on. Here are excerpts from a recent Titan TV interview held at an undisclosed location.

The Tater Totnapping: "Isn't it sad that some mothers aren't as good at watching over their children as I am."

John Black's new PI firm: "Steve was so smart to quit that doodyhead's firm. John would have ruined his life, just like he ruined mine. I HATE him. And how can John be a PI? After all his comas, it's surprising that he can find his way home."

Nicole's budding relationship with Deimos: "Deimos will rue the day he got involved with this baby-switching tramp. And it's her fault my twin is in jail. If she was a good wife, her orange-tinted doctor husband would have been home on New Year's Eve instead of getting into an auto accident."

Jennifer's custody suit: "Jennifer is a bad mother and a doodyhead. Her son was a delinquent drug-seller and her daughter is a tramp who went bonkers. And Chad has to be a good daddy. He's my darling smoochy-moochy's little brother."
 
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Aunt Hope: How dare she take MY man? Doesn't she know that ANY man I've been with permanently belongs to me? She will never be as good for Rafe as I was!

Claire: My niece is now working for that tramp Chloe Lane who stole Lucas from me. Doesn't she know he is MY man? At least Claire has the right idea about skipping college and going straight to a well paying job. It certainly worked for me. :)

Nicole: Another tramp! First she turns on my beloved twin and helps put him in jail, then she turns around and dates the guy responsible for my Uncle Bo's death. I HATE her!

Mama Hernandez: Who?!
 
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Gabi Hernandez: isn't she the worthless tart who was married to my son, Nick Fallon??

Reply from Titan reporter: Ms. Brady, Nick Fallon was not your son.

Reply from Sami: What? Are you sure? I'm pretty sure he was. You act like I don't know who my kids are. You're stoopid.
 
Sami is right up-to-the-minute on what's going on in Salem and has commented on today's events.

The power is out in Salem again? This never would have happened if my changed, smoochy-moochy was still mayor.

Chad has started a foundation in Abigail's name? Whom is it helping -- cheap, man-stealing tramps?

Mr. Shin is on board with Chad's campaign to clean-up DiMera Enterprises? What's wrong with it? I did a great job while I was in charge despite having to share power with that horrid hag, Kate.

Crazed killers are on the loose and stoopid Claire only cares about her YouTube account? What can you expect. After all, she is the daughter of my more-than-stoopid sister, Belle.

Where was John Black today? Why isn't he helping Daddy catch the crooks? That life-ruiner is probably hiding under a bed -- or under a table-top.
 
By the way, I can't believe Claire is so wrapped up in her YouTube stuff. When I was her age, I was already a mother to my triplets, Huey, Dewy and Louie and had already mastered the art of changing paternity tests in hospital computer systems. She's a stoopid little loser like her mother.
 
Sami has just posted her reactions to the Orpheus Gang crisis on social media.

The return of Orpheus; As usual, this is all John Black's fault. Didn't he accidentally shoot Mrs. Orpheus years ago? What a doody-head. He's such a life ruiner. I HATE him!!!

The inability of the Salem P.D. to catch the Orpheus Gang: Nobody better blame my Daddy. He may be the second smartest man alive (after my smoochy-moochy), but nobody helps him. They're all doodyheads!

The kidnapping of Claire: This was not too smart. After all, who would want my stoopid sister's bratty kid back? Mr. Orpheus will soon be offering top dollar to anyone who will take this little monster off his hands.

The shooting of Mayor Abe: I'm sorry to hear about this, but if my handsome smoochy-moochy was still mayor it would never have happened. He'd have dodged the bullet or caught it between his flawless, truly-radiant teeth!

Clyde threatening to shoot Kate: This is so great. I'd have paid good money to see it. Hopefully, the old hag was so frightened that her hideous blue chunk turned grey.

Nicole's reluctance to move into the K-mansion. Another bad move by the baby-switching tramp. Sure, nobody wants to be around that grouchy old coot, Victor, but that's better than being killed -- by a narrow margin.
 
DrBakerFan said:
The return of Orpheus; As usual, this is all John Black's fault. Didn't he accidentally shoot Mrs. Orpheus years ago? What a doody-head. He's such a life ruiner. I HATE him!!!
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Reply from Marlena: Sami, dear. I hate to break it to you, but your dad was the one who killed Orpheus' wife, which started Orpheus on his rampage so many years ago.

Reply from Sami: Oh please, stop defending that stoopid, life-ruining doodhyead!! And quit blaming daddy for something that was obviously John's fault. Everything is John's fault. I bet he even put the iceberg in the Titanic's path. And in case you forgot, he ruined my life! I HATE him!!

Reply from Orpheus: You know, at this point, I don't care which one killed my beloved wife. You Bradys and Blacks seem to have gotten your just punishment with this mouthy little welp as your kid. See, Dr. Evans, you should've just stayed on the island and taken care of my kids. They sure were better behaved than your little monster twins (yes, I heard about Eric killing the Saint of Salem).
 
John giving himself up to Orpheus: People will probably think that this makes him some kind of hero, :angry:but they couldn't be more wrong! He's no hero, he's a life-ruiner! I HATE him!

Steve rescuing John Black: When is that Patch guy going to learn to mind his own business?

Jenny's bomb vest: Sure she's a ranting busybody, but that was a rather extreme way to try to shut her up.

Chad helps capture Clyde: Kudos to Chad, but my handsome smoochy-moochy could have done it way, way better!

JJ apparently not having a bullet-proof vest: It's not my Daddy's fault! He's the bestest police commissioner! Abe Carver's cheap city government wouldn't give him the money to buy them. If my changed smoochy-moochy was still mayor, Daddy's cops would have everything they need!
 
Deimos calls Nicole a "babyswitcher": What nerve! Only I'm allowed to call that tramp a babyswitcher!

Steve saves John: When will that Patch guy learn to mind his own business?

Orpheus "dies"; Sorry to hear this. Anyone who hated life-ruining John Black as much as he did couldn't have been half-bad.

Marlena's psychological profiles of the Orpheus Gang: Gosh, my mother can be really smart. How come she climbed onto a tabletop with that stoopid John Black and never believed that my handsome smoochy-moochy had changed?
 
Hope's conviction: Poor Daddy. His cops are always letting him down. That cheapskate, Mayor Abe, should give him a bigger budget so he can attract quality police officers, not hothead killers like Hope or real doodyheads like that awful Bernardi guy.

Justin's defense of Hope: He's a hack. My brilliant smoochy-moochy -- a real lawyer -- would have gotten the case dismissed in a Salem second. As doodyhead John Black would say, "that's a fact."

Rafe's reaction to Hope's conviction: My poor Rafe. I guess that he'll never find a woman who is as truly radiant as I am.

Melinda Trask: What a meanie. Why doesn't she make herself useful by prosecuting John Black for ruining lives?

Judge Karen Fitzpatrick: She's a brilliant jurist. The best that money can buy. That's what my changed EJ and his kindly old daddy always said.
 
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Jade is supposedly pregnant: OMG, another Salem tramp. Where do these people come from? Maybe this one is pregnant with twins from two different fathers. That's the sign of a real tramp.

Jeannie T. leaving Salem: Well, that's one less tramp. Young women today just don't have the class that I did. Sad, isn't it?

Roman's list of things to be thankful for: Poor old Daddy. The stress must be getting to him. Otherwise, he'd have been sure to mention that myself -- the good twin -- being his daughter is the thing that he's most thankful about.

Adrienne's marriage quandary: How stoopid is this woman? She should try to emulate me. I was always sure that my handsome EJ was the one-and-only.
 
Adrienne's continuing health crisis: I'm sorry to hear about this. I really am a quality person. Expressing sympathy for a woman who said such awful things about my Will and wants to get her grubby paws on my Lucas..

Steve romances Kayla: This scruffy black-leather-jacket fan should give it a rest. Nobody, nobody matches my charming, romantic, changed smoochy-moochy in the luv department.

Sonny-Paul-Derrick: This Paul guy should stick with Derrick. Getting involved with foolish Sonny would mean having the awful, awking, squawking Jenny and trampy, attic-dwelling Abigail as in-laws. Yuck! Anyway, hasn't this guy suffered enough? He's already had to face the horror of learning that life-ruining John Black is his father.
 
Abigail blackmails Andre: How dare that shower-loving tramp blackmail changed, well-meaning Andre after all he's done for her. And he was only trying to help his dear little brother and his poor innocent son. Salem has really gone to the dogs since I left. There's nothing truly radiant about it.

Abigail secret helps ruin JJ's relationship with Gabi. Yes, my Rafe's little sister could have done a lot better than a member of the wretched Deveraux family, but this is truly outrageous. This self-centered trollop is turning into a minor-league version of John Black -- ruining lives wherever she goes.
 
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