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TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO BE A PATIENT AT SALEM UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL
10. VERY SMALL HOSPITAL….- Only 3 rooms –1 regular room, 1 ICU, and the ER. In the ICU, Nancy redecorated, replaced the O2 and Ng tubing wall unit with a painting, cause the other stuff looked way too tacky. Anyone who goes there for any reason flatlines, goes into a coma, wakes with amnesia (except Nancy, who only had to burp – then again, a belch like that probably awakened the coma patients). A broken wrist means at least a week, gunshot wounds - ,just a day or two, or like JT, are kicked out within a few minutes after major surgery. No one ever asked to pay a bill, or for an insurance card, except in the case of extreme vaginal bleeding, when the COS refuses to treat you w/o advance payment.
9. LACK OF STAFF…. Not only is everyone either on break or taking care of personal business, doctors seem to just disappear…Neil Curtis & Marcus vanished after going on rounds, Father Francis, still in a coma, must be hidden in a supply closet somewhere. For a university hospital – where are the students? Only qualifications to be hired are previous experience altering records, leaking confidential info or kidnapping. They do have a psychiatrist, (Marlena) who is never in, and her stand-in, Laura is also among the missing. Thus Nurse Brenda has to do it all…..which accounts for her wonderful bedside manner. NOT!
8. PRIVACY/CONFIDENTIALITY……Everyone has access to your room while you are unconscious and defenseless. You are subjected to taunts, harassment and tirades, and even people having parties while you lie there, helpless. Your room just may have been turned into a makeshift radio studio. No patient confidentiality as the entire staff, from drs. to janitors has diarrhea of the mouth.
7. LAB TESTS …… Since no one works, who can trust test results, especially with Sami and Brandon around. Well - according to the paternity test...I'm Laney's daughter! No wait...Barb's daughter....okay wait..for real now...I'm Linda's daughter..yeah that's it. (admittedly, Linda has not been the same since the night of the full moon…..BUT…due to Salem University Hospital usual screwups….you are the child of….STEFANO!!)….(See, it is not nice to try and fool the Early Edition!!)
6. SAMI WORKS THERE…. How can you trust your files (thru blood testing you might discover you are related to everyone in Salem…..but only if Sami has access to your files) She may not ever have graduated from high school ---but she gets to handle computers, and confidential files. She may be answering the phones...so don't count on friends or family getting through to you; you are NOT her priority! When she’s not harassing patients who are bleeding all over the place, trying to switch results on paternity tests and blood types or pretending to be in a coma and/or paralyzed (thus occupying a room that could be used for a REAL sick person), she is distracting the libido-driven staff at the hospital with her outrageous getups (How DOES she get by Nancy or Nurse Brenda?) . You awake from an unconscious state, not knowing where you are, spot Sami “working” the halls, think you must be in a brothel, and have a heart attack from the shock. Sami must think the ward is called I SEE YOU!
5. BABY SWITCHING … Babies are randomly reassigned to families. With enough money someone can switch babies if they don't like the one they have and want yours… AND none of the supposedly highly trained and professional hospital staff will ever notice (isn't one of the first things they do is a blood test on a newborn baby? No one ever mentioned the boys having the same blood type) Maternity just might swap your baby for a mechanical doll w/bleeding eyes….oops, wrong storyline.
4. NO ONE REALLY WORKS …. The nurses work two 15 minute shifts, with an 8 hr. break in between. The entire staff may take a coffee break……..in Paris! Employees jet off to Europe or Chicago at will, gone for weeks and months, but somehow have jobs waiting upon return. Maternity leave are over a year long. Everyone mills around the halls, gossiping, drinking coffee, baby sitting Isaac & JT, or go shopping in Salem Place. Those who DO work there do not practice medicine…..They have radio talk shows, legal hearings, are married or involved with someone they hope to run into there, have family reunions. And if Sami, Nancy, Lexie, Marlena, Brandon all work there, and none are ever there, who’s gonna change your bedpan?
3. SECURITY SUCKS…. Anyone who wears scrubs or a uniform is allowed in…..heck, surgical masks cover the mustache. Or the brilliant disguise of a baseball cap and sunglasses works just as well. If you have a guard at your door, you are guaranteed the posted officer will walk away to get a donut, right after telling the person they are guarding you from to “just watch the door, I’ll be right back” Anyone is allowed to use a cell phone (a no-no in ANY hospital) And you’d probably end up with Stef’s patented mind controlling kidney instead of the one your sister donated.
2. STAFF BLABBERS…. Nurses roam the halls, hollering your most intimate medical information to anyone and everyone. Your medical history is all over the halls b/4 you leave the ambulance. Nurses immediately tell complete strangers every detail of your medical condition, past history, and especially giggle and laugh about patients where they are sure to be overheard.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON YOU DON’T WANT TO BE A PATIENT AT SALEM UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL
1. ONE DOCTOR FITS ALL….There are no doctors ever on duty except for Craig, and he is supposed to be chief honcho, but cannot tell the difference between a heart attack and gas! However, he will lance your boil, do brain surgery, set your broken wrist, do an organ transplant or cure your toenail fungus. As a patient, you will be given a cure from the jungle that’s not FDA approved, be forced into a death bed confession for a murder you didn’t commit, have your Amniocentesis stolen, wind up with the wrong baby, get thrown out for lack of insurance, despite giving hospital millions in donations.. PLUS, while waiting for an executive order to save your life, the COS is drinking champagne and frolicking with Nancy in the hot tub in his office.
10. VERY SMALL HOSPITAL….- Only 3 rooms –1 regular room, 1 ICU, and the ER. In the ICU, Nancy redecorated, replaced the O2 and Ng tubing wall unit with a painting, cause the other stuff looked way too tacky. Anyone who goes there for any reason flatlines, goes into a coma, wakes with amnesia (except Nancy, who only had to burp – then again, a belch like that probably awakened the coma patients). A broken wrist means at least a week, gunshot wounds - ,just a day or two, or like JT, are kicked out within a few minutes after major surgery. No one ever asked to pay a bill, or for an insurance card, except in the case of extreme vaginal bleeding, when the COS refuses to treat you w/o advance payment.
9. LACK OF STAFF…. Not only is everyone either on break or taking care of personal business, doctors seem to just disappear…Neil Curtis & Marcus vanished after going on rounds, Father Francis, still in a coma, must be hidden in a supply closet somewhere. For a university hospital – where are the students? Only qualifications to be hired are previous experience altering records, leaking confidential info or kidnapping. They do have a psychiatrist, (Marlena) who is never in, and her stand-in, Laura is also among the missing. Thus Nurse Brenda has to do it all…..which accounts for her wonderful bedside manner. NOT!
8. PRIVACY/CONFIDENTIALITY……Everyone has access to your room while you are unconscious and defenseless. You are subjected to taunts, harassment and tirades, and even people having parties while you lie there, helpless. Your room just may have been turned into a makeshift radio studio. No patient confidentiality as the entire staff, from drs. to janitors has diarrhea of the mouth.
7. LAB TESTS …… Since no one works, who can trust test results, especially with Sami and Brandon around. Well - according to the paternity test...I'm Laney's daughter! No wait...Barb's daughter....okay wait..for real now...I'm Linda's daughter..yeah that's it. (admittedly, Linda has not been the same since the night of the full moon…..BUT…due to Salem University Hospital usual screwups….you are the child of….STEFANO!!)….(See, it is not nice to try and fool the Early Edition!!)
6. SAMI WORKS THERE…. How can you trust your files (thru blood testing you might discover you are related to everyone in Salem…..but only if Sami has access to your files) She may not ever have graduated from high school ---but she gets to handle computers, and confidential files. She may be answering the phones...so don't count on friends or family getting through to you; you are NOT her priority! When she’s not harassing patients who are bleeding all over the place, trying to switch results on paternity tests and blood types or pretending to be in a coma and/or paralyzed (thus occupying a room that could be used for a REAL sick person), she is distracting the libido-driven staff at the hospital with her outrageous getups (How DOES she get by Nancy or Nurse Brenda?) . You awake from an unconscious state, not knowing where you are, spot Sami “working” the halls, think you must be in a brothel, and have a heart attack from the shock. Sami must think the ward is called I SEE YOU!
5. BABY SWITCHING … Babies are randomly reassigned to families. With enough money someone can switch babies if they don't like the one they have and want yours… AND none of the supposedly highly trained and professional hospital staff will ever notice (isn't one of the first things they do is a blood test on a newborn baby? No one ever mentioned the boys having the same blood type) Maternity just might swap your baby for a mechanical doll w/bleeding eyes….oops, wrong storyline.
4. NO ONE REALLY WORKS …. The nurses work two 15 minute shifts, with an 8 hr. break in between. The entire staff may take a coffee break……..in Paris! Employees jet off to Europe or Chicago at will, gone for weeks and months, but somehow have jobs waiting upon return. Maternity leave are over a year long. Everyone mills around the halls, gossiping, drinking coffee, baby sitting Isaac & JT, or go shopping in Salem Place. Those who DO work there do not practice medicine…..They have radio talk shows, legal hearings, are married or involved with someone they hope to run into there, have family reunions. And if Sami, Nancy, Lexie, Marlena, Brandon all work there, and none are ever there, who’s gonna change your bedpan?
3. SECURITY SUCKS…. Anyone who wears scrubs or a uniform is allowed in…..heck, surgical masks cover the mustache. Or the brilliant disguise of a baseball cap and sunglasses works just as well. If you have a guard at your door, you are guaranteed the posted officer will walk away to get a donut, right after telling the person they are guarding you from to “just watch the door, I’ll be right back” Anyone is allowed to use a cell phone (a no-no in ANY hospital) And you’d probably end up with Stef’s patented mind controlling kidney instead of the one your sister donated.
2. STAFF BLABBERS…. Nurses roam the halls, hollering your most intimate medical information to anyone and everyone. Your medical history is all over the halls b/4 you leave the ambulance. Nurses immediately tell complete strangers every detail of your medical condition, past history, and especially giggle and laugh about patients where they are sure to be overheard.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON YOU DON’T WANT TO BE A PATIENT AT SALEM UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL
1. ONE DOCTOR FITS ALL….There are no doctors ever on duty except for Craig, and he is supposed to be chief honcho, but cannot tell the difference between a heart attack and gas! However, he will lance your boil, do brain surgery, set your broken wrist, do an organ transplant or cure your toenail fungus. As a patient, you will be given a cure from the jungle that’s not FDA approved, be forced into a death bed confession for a murder you didn’t commit, have your Amniocentesis stolen, wind up with the wrong baby, get thrown out for lack of insurance, despite giving hospital millions in donations.. PLUS, while waiting for an executive order to save your life, the COS is drinking champagne and frolicking with Nancy in the hot tub in his office.
