Letters to Salemites, Part 2

The guardian of Salem good taste and morality, socialite Giselle van Hopper, is again wielding her acid pen.

Dear Mayor Carver,

I have just learned of the disgraceful events at the Town Square during the latest wedding of John Black and Dr. Marlena Evans. It's your own business if you wanted to preside at this event, but how could you authorize an important Salem public space to be used for an event that was highly likely to end in violence and chaos? Both Mr. Black and Dr. Evans are part of that disreputable part of Salem society that repeatedly airs the sordid details of their immoral private lives in public. You should have insisted that they wed at some private, secure location. Unless you can start making better decisions, Salem's best people might just have to oppose your next bid for reelection and support a candidate that reflects our values.

Giselle van Hopper
Chairman, Salem Reform Party and president of every other notable Salem civic organization.
 
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Giselle is getting fed up.

Dear Mayor Carver,

How long must the good people of Salem tolerate an ineffective police force? How is it possible that a person as well known as Kristen DiMera has managed to remain at large? And why haven't the police searched the passages and tunnels inside the DiMera Mansion? Even a child would have looked there first. Finally, how long will Hope Brady, a notorious ex-convict, be allowed to remain in charge at police headquarters? Not only has her leadership during the Kristen DiMera fiasco been sadly lacking, it is common knowledge that she has been wasting time attempting to railroad Ben Weston, who has been declared cured by competent medical experts. As I noted in my last letter, unless you can address the police problem in our fine community, the best people in Salem will have no choice to but to oppose your reelection.

Giselle van Hopper
President, Salem Chamber of Commerce, etc., etc.
 
Xander gets some letters.

Dear Mr. Cook,
Neighbors have been complaining about loud arguments in your apartment. In addition, your rent is past due. Unless you and your spouse can tone it down, and you pay your back rent, we will have to start eviction proceedings.

Rente M. Outte
Chief Financial Manager
Nashville Premier Rental Properties.

Dear Mr. Cook,
A building inspector has checked the exterior of your warehouse, and we have been informed that it has many code violations, including the lack a proper fire alarm system and a keypad entry that is in a damaged condition and presents the danger of electrical shock. In addition, the building appears to be in an unsafe state of severe disrepair, and appears to be the site of an unlicensed medical clinic. Unless you promptly correct all these problems, you will be compelled to vacate the premises and the building will be condemned.

Nashville Building Department.
 
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Dear Doodyhead DiMera,

I haven't found my darling EJ yet, but I have solid evidence that your horrid hag of a mother may be alive after all. It seems that she was injected with some secret DiMera resurrection sauce and hauled away to a crumby clinic by Kristen. If you wire me $63 million, I'll let you know where the stinky clinic is.

Hate you,
Sami
 
Dear Roman,

As a regular Pub customer, I appreciate it that you keep your menu dynamic unlike other Salem eateries whose offerings haven't changed in decades (e.g., Chez Rouge). Naturally, I was curious about your latest special, EJ Chow, which I've heard is based on Mummy EJ's daily diet. I was a bit reluctant to try it since like all Salemites, I have no use for EJ DiMera whether he's a normal person or wrapped in Charmin. However, with the first bite I was hooked. I was suddenly filled with energy and vitality. I plan to stop by for a heaping bowl of EJ Chow every morning before my run.

Happy Customer

P.S., Please tell Eric Brady to smile once in a while. People who come to the Pub to cry in their beer don't need an additional downer.
 
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To: Mr. Leo Stark Kiriakis
From Seth Burns, Chief Administrator, University Hospital
Re: Your Hospital Visit
Date: Jan. 4, 2019

It has come to my attention that you annoyed and frightened the little children who were attending the hospital's annual Christmas reading and Santa visit by barging in wearing a bizarre suit. Please be advised that henceforth the only way we want you in our hospital is flat on your back in a bed, preferably in a coma. Should you dare to reappear here for anything other than a medical emergency you will be immediately escorted out by hospital security and we will consult our attorneys about getting an injunction that bars you permanently from the premises.
 
DrBakerFan said:
you will be immediately escorted out by hospital security
Click to expand...
Did we just find Xander a new job??? Imagine how much fun it would be to see him "escorting" everyone out of the hospital who was there to cause trouble, spread gossip, snoop, change DNA results, and generally be a pain in Kayla's behind. Xander would be so busy, they'd probably have to give him an on-site apartment.
 
JS, Xander would also be a natural as the bouncer at Doug's Place. So many people come in there to raise a fuss or otherwise mouth off that it's surprising that Chloe and Julie can turn a profit. It would make for some good scenes to see the X-man pitching people like Eric, Sarah, Eve, and Leo out the door and into the street while telling them: "And don't come back!" The ladies might also swarm in to admire Xander's manly physique. In short, with Xander on the job, the Club might just start drawing customers for a change,
 
Dear Mr. Cook,

As one of our best customers and leading Salem towel afficionado, I'm sure that you'd be interested in knowing that we are currently holding a door-busters sale on towels and other bathroom accessories. Our finest luxury, premium towels will help you show off your manly physique to the best effect wherever you are -- bathroom, bedroom, or the living-room liquor sideboard -- and will ensure that you'll always be quickly and comfortably dry after your many soothing showers. We offer a remarkable variety in colors, one of which is sure to fit your taste. We hope to see you soon.

Sincerely,

Lowe R. Pricez
Sales Manager
Salem Bed, Bath, and Beyond

P.S., you need not be concerned about meeting any of Salem's undesirables, such as scowling Eric Brady, loudmouth Sarah Horton, or the peculiar Leo Stark on your visit to our fine store. We serve only Salem's leading citizens and permanently ban the local riff-raff.
 
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To: Mr. Seth Burns, Chief Administrator, Salem University Hospital
Re: OMG, I can't believe what I saw

Dear Mr. Burns,

Please be advised that I am strongly considering having members of my family go to Salem's other hospital, St. Francis, the next time they need serious medical care. Today, I visited my dear mother, and on the way to her room, I witnessed the following:
  • Kate Roberts in a room where any passerby could see her. There's no telling what emotional damage could result if a child caught sight of this infamous blue-chunked, back-stabbing harridan. Young children shouldn't know that people like this actually exist.
  • Detective Rafael Hernandez loudly arguing with that sleazy shyster, Ted Laurent. Why is the likes of Laurent even in the hospital if he's not ill? Are all the hospital's security people asleep?
  • A handsome young man being battered over the head with a metal tray by an obviously deranged young woman dressed in scrubs. Again, how could such a person be in your hospital? Can anyone or anything, including Horton the Tiger, just walk in?
I have long discounted tales told about University Hospital, including medical malpractice, assorted other improper conduct, and corpses actually walking out of the hospital morgue, but after today, I will be more inclined to believe such stories.

Yours truly,
Angry Salemite
 
Ben sends a memo to Stefan Zero and gets a prompt answer.

To: Stefan O. DiMera
From: Benjamin Weston
Re: Mansion Security

Boss, the company that installed the inside security cameras is asking if we'd be interested in advanced security locks and reinforced outside doors, motion detectors, outdoor security lighting and cameras, a panic room, and bulletproof glass for all the windows. I think that we ought to go for it.

To: Benjamin Weston
From: Stefan O. DiMera
Re: Mansion Security

Thanks for your input. It's good to see your dedication to mansion security. However, we really shouldn't install anything else. If we have too much security, people would think that the DiMeras have gone soft.
 
Dear Dr. Brady,

We have had numerous complaints from other tenants about your habit of parading around the living room wearing only a towel. That woman whom you frequently entertain may be impressed, but others are decidedly underwhelmed. To borrow a line from the old song Harper Valley PTA, you need to learn "to keep your window shades all pulled completely down."

Lowe R. Rentz
Building Manager

P.S., Remind Eric Brady that the rent is overdue. His never-ending personal problems are no excuse for the failure to meet his obligations as a tenant.
 
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Dear Dr. Horton,

You are officially on notice that your work performance is unacceptable. We need doctors who come to work regularly, not those who are habitually absent because they are tending to personal business or having one-night stands with the likes of Xander Cook. We also prefer that our physicians not spend their hospital time in the break room mooning over photos of the objects of their affection -- in your case that unbearable sourpuss, Mr. Gloom-and-Doom himself, Eric Brady. We also do not appreciate your habit of yelling loudly at patients who are not getting well as fast as you would want; providing unwanted advice to other physicians; or the constant criticism you level at orderlies, nurses, interns, and residents. Finally, please be aware that all University Hospital rules, norms, and practices actually do apply to you even though your last name is Horton.

Seth Burns
Chief Hospital Administrator
 
Dear Mr. DiMera,

I've heard that you're currently hiring, and wish to be considered for any appropriate position. I combine a talent for clever planning, a certain level of ruthlessness, and the ability to keep one step ahead of the police. My resume is enclosed. I await your reply.

Yours truly,
Jack the Ripper

To: Human Resources
From: Stefan O. DiMera
Re: New Employment Candidate

Please interview the candidate whose resume is attached. He seems like real DiMera material.
 
Roman,

I ran into that homicidal maniac Ben Weston and firmly told him that he was permanently banned from the Pub. We don't need his ilk as a customer.

Shawn

Shawn,

What da hell? Don't you know that the Pub has a forgive-and-forget, open-door policy? Believe it or not, Ma even welcomed EJ and Stefano. With gloomy Eric scaring people away, we need all the customers we can get. I don't want to get stuck with unsold Brady Burgers, chowder, and Wanchai Ferry (Ma's favorite).

Roman
 
Dear Ms. Walker,

It has come to my attention that you recently trashed your hotel room, causing serious damage. A repair bill is enclosed. Please be advised that a recurrence will lead to your immediate removal from the Inn with or without that bizarre Mexican wrestling mask. It has also been reported by staff that visitors to your room include gloomy sad sack Eric Brady and scowling bad boy Xander Cook. Seeing the pathetic Mr. Brady depresses our guests and the mere sight of Mr. Cook scares them to death. Be advised that neither of these so-called gentlemen will be admitted to the Inn in the future. If you must consult with these two undesirables, use the Town Square like most of Salem's corporate executives, lawyers, police officers, and physicians.

Yours truly,
Rez R, Vationes
Manager, Salem Inn
 
To: Stefan O. DiMera
From: B. Uri M. Deepe, Chief Administrator, Salem Cemetery.
Re: Unauthorized gravedigging

It was reported to me that your mother, Vivian Alamain (isn't she dead?) was seen engaging in unauthorized grave digging at the cemetery today. Please be advised that is a gross violation of cemetery policy. Only our employees can dig graves and bury deceased persons. If anyone could dig graves and inter the dead, God knows who would end up being buried in our fine cemetery, including murder victims, Charmin-wrapped mummies, and assorted pets.
 
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