The News According to Roman: Spoiler Edition

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DrBakerFan

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Eric's Sarah problem: [I wish Eric put as much effort into his bar-tending job as he does for feeling miserable.]

Ben and Hope team up to save Ciara: [Wherever he is, Little Brother must he shaking his head. Why isn't Hope teaming up with Rafe or some other fine members of the Salem P.D. instead of a reformed serial killer.]

Jack plans to wed Eve: [What da hell has happened to the Jack Deveraux that I used to know??]

Gabi kisses Stefan: [OMG, this lowlife can get a kiss, but I can't? This world is certainly a messed up place.]
 
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Will lashes out at Sonny, Roman, and Marlena. [What da hell? Marlena and I have done nothing but help this kid all his life. A miracle cure for his brain tumor can't come fast enough,]

Ciara is in danger. [Ben Weston is probably OK now, but when a girl goes to see him at the DiMansion, I'd say that she's looking for love in all the wrong places.]

Kate rejoins Titan. [This is probably bad news for Victor and the Titan stockholders, but probably good news for the rest of us. With Kate tied up in corporate scheming, she won't have time to mess with other people's lives].

Eric comes clean with Sarah. [Why is he wasting his time with another man's fiancee? Nothing good can come of it. The only cleaning he should be doing is busing the tables at the Pub. Uncleared tables really turn off the customers. As John would say, that's a fact.]
 
Rafe and Hope try to find Holly: [It's good to see that a pair of Salem cops are on the job. Too often those do-it-yourselfers take things into their own hands with disastrous results.]

Eric and Nicole reunite: [Thank God. Maybe now the kid will stop moping and sulking and actually do something at the Pub besides scaring away the customers.]

Jack pulls a shocking stunt: [What da hell? Whatever happened to the Jack Deveraux we used to know?]
 
Rafe disobeys Hope's orders. [What da hell? This would never have happened in the old days. My orders were always carried out, even by rowdy, rebellious Little Brother.]

Hope and Rafe's marriage implodes. [As I always say, love and good police work just don't go together.]

Stefan caught sneaking Gabi out of the DiMansion. [This creep can get a kiss, but I can't. There's something basically wrong with this.]

Nicole lashes out at Eric. [Did she really have to do this? Depressed Eric hasn't been doing much around the Pub lately, and now he won't do anything at all except scare away my customers.]
 
Rafe gets divorce papers from Hope. [Divorce is never pleasant -- I should know -- but at least Rafe got some kisses along the way.]

Stefan rejects Gabi. [I hate Stefan, a man who's so sure that lots more kisses will be coming down the road that he can afford to spurn a willing woman.]

Hope is fired. [They'd better not ask me to come out of retirement. Even listening to Eric moan and groan everyday at the Pub is better than trying to run a police department in Salem.]
 
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Doug and Julie celebrate their 25th. [Great news. Hopefully, they'll choose to celebrate at the Pub. Doug's Place gets too many cartel thugs and unwanted ranters like foolish Jack and awful Eve. Besides what better way to celebrate than a wonderful five-course meal consisting of chowder, Brady burgers, garbage-can nachos, Wanchai Ferry, and John Black's new special desert (My-T-Fine pudding topped with Redi Whip)?]

Jack makes a surprise appointment. [Jack won the election? What da hell? My money was on Honest Abe or Benchie the park bench. Eve's willing tool better not appoint me to anything. I simply won't accept. Besides, somebody has to be here at the Pub to keep gloomier-than-ever Eric from frightening the customers.]

Chloe catches Stefan Zero in bed with Gabi. [Not only is this a remarkably tasteless turn of events, sadly it's yet another kissy-face episode that doesn't involve me.]
 
Hope and Ted have their first date. [What da hell? Can't Hope do better than this sleaze? Little Brother must be spinning in his grave.]

Eric tries again to get through to Nicole. [OMG, not again. Poor deluded Eric has turned into the second coming of Don Quixote -- always tilting at windmills.]

Jenny helps Trippy escape from Eve. [Why is that wretched Eve after Steve's poor kid? In any case, Tripp is welcome to hide at the Pub. Those upstairs rooms are even more secure than the DiMera mansion's dungeons and tunnels. And if Eve ever shows up, I'll threaten her with the baseball bat that I keep under the bar.]
 
Nicole accuses Eric of attacking her. [What da hell? This has to be a big lie. The only person the poor kid ever attacks these days is himself.]

Claire tries to kill Tripp and Haley. [No surprise here. A few days after the incompetent faker, Eve Donovan, takes over as police commissioner, a crime wave starts.]

Julie blasts Eve and Jack. [I almost wish that they'd dare to enter the Pub so that I could blast away at them myself in a way that would make Sami proud.]
 
Stefan has an offer for Abe. [What da hell? Why would Abe want anything to do with the slimy second-rate DiMera? If he needs a job, I can make him the Pub's official greeter.]

Ted gets an idea on how to be a hero to Hope. [This is a lost cause. The only hero that Hope will ever have is Little Brother.]
 
Salemites share the bad news about Caroline. [Ma was a wonderful woman. She never once complained when Sami dumped her children on her without notice -- which was practically every day.]

Kristen is disguised as Nicole. [What da hell? Kristen is supposed to be dead. Anyway, this could be good news for down-and-out Eric. Maybe, it was really Kristen who sent him into a funk with all her trash talk.]
 
Eric agrees to marry Rexy & Sarah. [Thank God. With those two married, Eric might finally stop moping and actually do his job at the Pub.]

Gabi & Stefan spend the night together. [OMG, there's something basically wrong with this. A slimeball like Stefan gets some loving while I'm still shut out. Life is so unfair.]

Kristen tries to throw Hope off the scent. [What da hell? Don't these #@!*^% DiMeras ever stay dead? I'd better tell all those cops who are now having cold ones and chowder in the Pub to get out on the street to track her down ASAP. The DiMansion dungeon, as well as every empty warehouse, cabin, barn, hen house, outhouse, and tunnel needs checking.]
 
Carrie confesses all to Roman? [Just what I need, another person with problems. I've already been living with Eric's non-stop existential crisis. Enough is enough.]

Rexy & Sarah hold the Brady-Horton July 4th BBQ. [What da hell? Rex may be able to slice and dice his patients, but a perfect Brady Burger is way beyond him. I should be running this shindig.]

Eric makes a shocking discovery. [OMG, another crisis for Eric? If he doesn't get his head on straight soon, the shocking discovery he'll make is that he no longer has a job at the Pub. Hey, I'm running a business and need reliable employees.]
 
Eric contemplates a big change. [The only change he needs to make is to start showing up for work at the Pub.]

Ciara finds her mother kissing Ted. [What da hell? Has Hope lost her mind, kissing this sleazy shyster?? Wherever he is, Little Brother won't like this. Neither will Ma.]

Jennifer decides to move on from Jack. [Good for her. Jack has become total bad news. You wouldn't believe the awful things that Pub customers say about him.]
 
Xander makes Kristen grovel. [What da hell? Who'da thunk it -- Xander joining the good guys? This rates a free pint of beer and a tasty double Brady burger if he drops by the Pub.]

Susan pulls a gun on Kristen. [These are strange days indeed. First Xander of all people does a good deed and now EJ's nutty mother actually strikes back at an evil DiMera. This too rates a free Brady Burger or even a fine Wanchai Ferry entrée. And if she actually pulls the trigger, I'll throw in some complimentary garbage-can nachos and choco-puffs.]
 
Eric is shocked to hear that "Nicole" has married. [Good grief, is Eric still emotionally invested in Nicole? He clearly needs some potent chowder therapy to help him finally get over her.]

Sarah comes clean with Rex about her feelings for Eric. [What da hell? Didn't this woman just marry Dr. Rex? As Ma might say: "What a trollup." Worse, this news is sure to agitate Eric so much that he won't show up for work again. Maybe, it's time to rehire Ciara. She might now have come to work half the time, but at least she has her act together.]
 
Eric gets into a dangerous situation with Vivian. [What da hell is Eric doing with the likes of Vivian who's supposed to be dead? And I don't like the sound of that dangerous situation stuff. It will be another reason for my unreliable son not to come to work at the Pub.]

Rolf reappears. [What da hell? Can't people ever stay dead in this town.]

Sarah has an unsettled feeling. [So do I every time I think too much about the misadventures and bad choices of my children.]
 
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