If Life in Salem Made Any Sense

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DrBakerFan

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If life in Salem made any sense, the following headlines would appear in Jenny's Spectator.

Mad Scientist Dr. Wilhelm Rolf Arrested and Held Without Bail -- Charged with Assault for Unauthorized Medical Procedures on Three Leading Salemites.

Christian Mattox Bail Revoked -- Accused Murderer and Kidnapper Back in the Salem Slammer.

Justice for Haley: Murder Charges Filed in Nurse's Death at the Hands of Kristen DiMera. Bail Denied as D.A. Seeks Maximum Sentence.

"Orpheus" Rearrested. Crazed Criminal Charged with the Attempted Murders of Marlena Evans and Kayla Johnson.

Maggie Horton Released from Prison: Judge Rules that There Was No Evidence to Coraberate Her Confession
 
If life in Salem made any sense, these would be the latest headlines.

Kristen DiMera Held in Knife Attack on Victor Kiriakis.

Zoey Burge Custody Suit Thrown out of Court.

Gabi Hernandez Seen Begging in the Town Square After DiMera Enterprises Ouster.

Orpheus Now in Maximum Security Unit at State Prison.

Feds Investigate DiMera Hallucinogens Production.
 
Jenny's Spectator would have run the following headlines if life in Salem made any sense.

Kristen DiMera Arrested in Paris for Knife Attack on Victor Kiriakis; Local Authorities Will Seek to Extradite Her.

Police Question Victor and Xander Kiriakis in Suspected Child Substitution Case.

New Local Automotive Repair Shop Closes Due to Lack of Customers.

City Council Grills Mayor Carver over Kate Roberts Hire.

Chad DiMera Charged with Disturbing the Peace After Police Station Blow-up.
 
If life in Salem made any sense, Jenny's paper would have run the following headlines.

Gabi Hernandez Gets 60 Days in the Salem Slammer for Stabbing Jake Lambert with a Syringe.

Kristen DiMera Arrested During Stealth Visit to Salem.

Lani Price Fired and Is Arrested for Aiding Kristen's Escape from Salem.

Brady Black Fired as Titan CEO for Attempted Corporate Sabotage; Xander Kiriakis to Replace Him Immediately.

Court Swats Aside Zoey Burge's Custody Suit: Gives Baby David to Commissioner Hernandez.
 
Jenny's paper would have run the following stories if life in Salem made any sense.

Mayor Carver Cancels Future Key-to-the-City Ceremonies Due to Lack of Interest.

St. Luke's Refuses to Allow a Non-Catholic Wedding Ceremony: Brady-Weston Nuptials Moved to City Hall.

Sami Brady Arrested for Disturbing the Peace for Causing Chaos at the Walker-Brady Wedding.

Vivian Alamain Arrested at Funeral Home After Cops Sniff out Her Fake Death Escape Plot.

Surprise Stefano Son Jake Lambert Says No Thanks to His New Dysfunctional Family: Will Remain Safe and Sane as an Auto Mechanic.
 
Salem Garage ad: Due to unexpected vacancies....Wanted immediately, 2 mechanics. Ability to work on motorcycles a must. Cars a plus.

For Sale: Former Bo & Hope Brady home...Was originally 3-4 bedroom home, but recent remodeling has changed that along with decor.

WANTED: Volunteers to clean & repair damage to St. Luke's Church due to recent bomb explosion. Work to begin when police finish investigation, & remove barriers.
 
Eve Donovan and Her Little Helper Held in NYC on Multiple Felony Charges Related to the Ben Weston Kidnapping.

Crime Doesn't Pay: Jailbird Bonnie's Unsold Books Consigned to the Dumpster at the Salem Barnes & Noble.

It's All in the Family: Will Horton's Adoption of His Sister's Baby Is a Smooth, Trouble-Free Affair.

She Wore out Her Welcome: Gabi Hernandez DiMera Evicted from the Family Mansion.

Sami Brady to Enroll in Anger-Management Classes.

After Thorough Review, Salem University Hospital Plans a Major Upgrade to Its Security Procedures.
 
If life in Salem made any sense, these headlines would be in Jenny's paper.

Eve Donovan and Accomplice Arrested at a Seedy Salem Hotel.

Sami Brady Questioned After John Black's Latest Collapse.

Gabi Hernandez Busted -- Tight, Revealing Attire Caused Vice Squad Cops to Mistake Her for a Hooker.

Allie Horton Flees Salem Without Her Baby: Family Agrees that Its Uncle Eric Should Be Temporary Caregiver.

One-Time Necktie Strangler Ben Weston Hospitalized After Experiencing Bizarre Symptoms.

Attorney Justin Kiriakis Announces the Opening of His New Law Office.
 
Headlines that Jenny's paper ought to be running.

Kristen DiMera Held Without Bail in Stabbing of Victor Kiriakis.

D.A. Reviews Haley Chen Death; Adds First Degree Manslaughter to Charges Against Kristen.

Detective Lani Price Fired from the Salem P.D. for Aiding Fugitive Kristen; Criminal Charges May Be Pending.

Victor Spurns Son Philip's CEO Demand; Assigns Him to Titan Mailroom.

Sami Brady's Bid to Gain Custody of Baby Boy Horton Laughed out of Court.

Semi-Conscious Ciara Brady Found in Nearby Building After Miracle Escape from Exploding Car Bomb.
 
Here are some headlines that Jenny's Spectator should be publishing.

Ciara's Alleged Killer, Vincent Belman, Terrified over Victor's Likely Revenge and the Horrible Wrath of Bo Brady's Ghost.

Victor Flips: Wises up as He Reaffirms That It Was Kristen Who Stabbed Him.

Ex-Cop Lani Price out on Bail as Relentless D.A. Trask Probes Eli's Involvement in Her Aid to Kristen.

"Who Me? Not Me," Says Med Student Tripp Dalton in Denying Allie's Tale of Rape.

Utter Chaos at Titan as Co-CEOs Victor and Philip Undercut and Bad Mouth Each Other.

Mayor Carver Fears Political Blowback from Daughter's Aid to Creepy Kristen.
 
If Jenny ever paid attention to what's going on around town, her paper might have published these headlines

Salemites Party Like It's 1999 as Authorities Prepare to Send Kristen to Prison.

Titan Whistleblower Reports Dirty Dealings by Co-CEO Philip Kiriakis.

Ben Weston's Jail Cell Fills with Flowers from Women Admirers Who Sympathize with His Quest to Learn the Truth About Ciara.

State Prison Warden Fired over Easy Escape of Clyde Weston, Orpheus, and Dr. Rolf.

Experts Say University Hospital DNA Test on Baby Horton is Beyond Worthless.

Chad DiMera Fires Scheming, Sketchy Brit "Nanny." "What Was I Thinking when I Hired Her," He Says.
 
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