Salem Yelp reviews

Just Samantha

Just Samantha

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Brady Pub

SalemBurgerBoy - 3 stars

The Brady Pub is a decent place to get a good meal. The downside to eating at the pub is you never know when you'll run into Roman Brady's twins, "Fallen Father" Eric and "Salem Screecher" Sami (not to be confused with his other twins, Creepy Cassie and Raving Rex, who arrived in Salem via space pod). Hard to say which twin is worse. They both tend to make one lose their appetite, especially when Sami starts screeching or Sourpuss Eric starts scowling. And if the current Mrs. Hernandez, Nicole Walker, is there when Sami is, look out, because food will start flying. This kind of atmosphere would normally get a 1 star rating, but the Brady Burgers and Ma Brady's clam chowder are definitely 5 star, so I figure 3 stars kind of evens it out. As long as the twins aren't there, you should have a pleasant meal. But if either of them pop in, ask your server to box up your meal to go.


Kiriakis Industries

Interns-R-Great - 1 star

Do not, under any circumstances, work for this company in any capacity. I did a summer internship at this place. Management changes at the drop of a hat, nobody knows what they're doing, and for a multi-billion dollar company, most business is conducted at the Brady Pub or Horton Town Square. Seriously. I heard through the grapevine they hired an intern who was a rapist. Word has it he was killed by that nutcase Jan Spears and she framed inept lawyer, Belle Black Brady. On the days old man Kiriakis comes into the office, stay out of his way or you'll take a verbal beating for just existing. The only upside is that sometimes his wife (who some suspect writes the Ruffles McRed column at the Spectator) brings in tasty lemon bars to share with the staff.

Salem Police Department

FormerCopMan - 1 star

I wish I could give this place zero stars or even negative stars. I have never in my career worked for a place that is so dysfunctional. The police in this town commit more crimes than the criminals. I heard that Hope Brady murdered Stefano DiMera and that current Commissioner Rafe Hernandez helped her cover up the crime. Don't know how true it is, because supposedly DiMera was spotted in surveillance photos feeding squirrels in some park. Take this all with a grain of salt. I moved to Chicago to get a job because there is less crime.

Dr. Marlena Evans

HortonWannaBe - 1 star

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT go to Dr. Marlena Evans for mental help. She's been possessed by the devil quite a few times and did terrible things to various Salem residents while he was in control. So you think you're baring your soul to this professional, when it could actually be the devil, who will then blab your secrets all over town. In addition, she raised those horrid twins, Sami and Eric Brady. Anyone who did such a terrible job with their own kids shouldn't be allowed to give anybody advice. She's not fit to raise a couple of goldfish.
 
Brady Pub

SalemGourmet - One Star

This place is considered some kind of local institution, but I don't know why. My "Brady Burger" was made from the cheapest beef and was so thin that you could almost see through it. As for its vaunted chowder, if it has any clams, it's by accident. The only thing that saves this place from a no-stars rating are the generous drinks and the chance to overhear the most outlandish gossip from customers who haven't learned to keep their mouths shut.

Law Offices of Justin Kiriakis

CarelessDriver - No Stars

If you care about your financial wellbeing and/or personal freedom, get another lawyer. The "office" is usually the Brady Pub or the Town Square. Mr. Kiriakis is so ineffectual and ignorant of the law that he's capable of losing even slam-dunk cases. In fact, if this state still had capital punishment, so many of his clients would go to the electric chair that he'd be known as "Death House."

Chez Rouge

Salem Socialite - Two Stars

This place just isn't what it used to be. The owner, Maggie Kiriakis, never comes in anymore. The finest people in Salem used to dine here, but now it's just twenty-somethings, assorted nobodies, and various sketchy types. On my last visit, I saw grifter Leo Stark sharing a table with ex-con Gwen Rizczek, and Orpheus and his weird son celebrating their unlikely pardons. The food is still passable, but if you want a place with truly fine food and a sophisticated atmosphere, look elsewhere.
 
Sweet Bits

CookieMonster - half a star

I was excited to see a new bakery open in Salem. What a waste of real estate in Horton Town Square. They're rarely open. And when they are, all they have are stale baked goods in the cases. Worst of all, half of the time, the one owner is making out with the other owner, and the other half of time, she's making out with other owner's twin brother. Yeah, you read that right. It appears the Horton/DiMera twins really took that whole "sharing is caring" rule they learned as toddlers to heart. I would've expected better from sainted Alice Horton's namesake. Really not surprising the children of Sami Brady act like this. Just save your money, drive out to the local Price Mart for some tasty baked goods and avoid the Sweet Bits love shack.
 
St. Lukes

Avid Churchgoer - one star*

Whereas St. Lukes was once a sanctuary, place of peace & spiritual healing for so very many Salemites, it has sadly fallen into a sad state. Repairs to the the church itself have not been done, probably because the congregation has nearly disappeared. That could be due to a lack of a minister or priest, as St. Lukes has apparently not been assigned one after Father Eric left. While parishoners filled in where they could, they, too, stopped coming, volunteering, , causing St. Lukes to really be a shadow of it's former self. This shows the lack of regard for religion OR the law in Salem. Guilty people go free, prisoners are easily pardoned, no one blinks an eye, and no one visits the church. Children no longer have religion precepts either learned from parents, or the church, Adults ignore the laws or morality. Alice Horton & Caroline Brady are sorely missed.
 
Brady Pub - 1 star

X Horton

Don't bother with this place! In addition to the crooked business deals, scowling owners, and non-stop petty bickering from relatives of the family that owns this place, the food is so bad most customers leave it on their plate and prefer empty cups (that's right, even the coffee is terrible).

They had one good meal, a small stir fry bowl, but I discovered it was just Wanchai Ferry. If their best meal comes from a bag and there's no atmosphere, how does this place stay in business?
 
Brady Pub - 4 stars

Stoner Dude R-man

I think the previous review is a little harsh. In addition to the Pub's stir fry bowl (even if it does come from a bag you can buy at the grocery store), I've found their Garbage Can Nachos, EJ Chow, Choco Puffs and breakfast burritos really hit the spot after enjoying some "medicinal herbs" and you might be feeling a bit hungry. And if you're a tad, shall we say "baked", watching the Brady twins argue and hearing Roman Brady spout his patented phrases of "Dammit, Sami" and "what 'da hell??" is always quite entertaining. But if you're not baked, or even half-baked, you probably wouldn't enjoy this place.
 
Salem Cemetery

Grieving Widow - one star

If you are looking for a dignified burial site for your loved one, definitely avoid this graveyard. It's regularly invaded by criminal types, mausoleums are used to hold hostages, the not-quite-dead have literally clawed their way out of the ground, and there's always the chance that some mad scientist type will resurrect one of the dearly departed. There was even a case of a deceased woman being taken from her crypt and reburied in a pet cemetery. Finally, if you're fussy about the company your loved one will keep, be aware that this "cemetery" is the last resting place of the awful Stefano and Andre DiMera the infamous "Tricky Nicky" Fallon, and the odious Dr. Trent Robbins.
 
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Salem Inn

Tired Traveler - two stars

The decor, service, and accommodations here are more than adequate, but what might give potential guests pause is the nature of so many of the guests. They include some of the most criminally inclined, sexually active, and mentally disturbed residents of Salem. Guests are likely to be disturbed by the sound of gunshots, somebody tearing apart their room in fit of rage, or the sound of headboards hitting the walls as the room's occupants satisfy their unbridled lust. There is also the possibility of your floor being roped off as the police investigate the latest body to be found in one of the rooms. If you find such events to be interesting and/or exciting, the Salem Inn could be for you. Otherwise, you should patronize the local Marriott, Hilton and Towers, or many of the fine B&Bs in the area.
 
Martin House

Ex-Titan Employee - one star

I took a job that paid well and relocated to the quaint town of Salem. While relocating, I decided to rent a room at the luxurious Martin House rather than the Salem Inn, since it offered apartment-style living in an opulent mansion.

I was misled. I don't think the owners - or anyone else in Salem - has thought of this place in a few years. It was dirty and dusty, and in severe need of repairs to the common areas. Thankfully the room locked adequately, since racoons and junkies and assorted female tradespeople occupy its lobby most of the night.

As a converted mansion, I shared a water heater in my bathroom with five other rooms. This meant if I showered after 6:40, there was no hot water. Although the advertisement stated there was a kitchenette, this turned out to be a converted closet shared with the entire upper floor. When it was not occupied by someone cooking drugs, its smell was off-putting. (On the plus side, I lost 30 pounds while living there.)

When my short lease was up, I was thankful to have been fired by Titan's latest nepotistic CEO (in my six months in Salem, they changed four times). If you are unlucky enough to be hired by a Salem company, consider other lodgings than this shoddy, crumbling write-off.
 
Reply from owner - Eli Grant: Hey man, my bad. I forgot I owned the place, which was really stupid when you consider my wife and I, along with our infant twins, were smashed into a tiny apartment. Then I moved out of town to be closer to my incarcerated wife, so I won't be back any time soon to address those issues. Maybe take it up with my Grandma, Julie Williams.
 
Julie's Place

Happy Hour Lover - two stars

Formerly known as Club TBD and Doug's Place, this location is what passes for a high-end saloon in Salem. The atmosphere and decor are a step up from Salem's other main watering hole, the Brady Pub, but the drinks are no better -- the same sometimes watered-down, ineptly made libations that are served at the aforementioned Pub. The clientele consists of the usual cross-section of the immoral, dysfunctional, and even homicidal population of Salem. Instead of the Pub's grouchy Roman Brady, who's favorite line is "what da hell," this club is presided over by habitual busybody and loud talker Ms. Julie Williams for whom the place is named. With all its imperfections, this place is about the best location anyone can go to from drinks in Salem, so if you do choose to go there, take a table in the corner where you will be less likely to encounter the owner and her undesirable regulars.
 
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Salem Hospital

Candy Striper - 1 star

Avoid this place at all costs - take the extra time to get to Chicago. They only seem to have one doctor who is the Chief of Staff AND the only doctor treating patients - regardless of their condition. If she isn't performing heart surgery or delivering babies, she attends to all the patients in the ER. They have had other staff, but Dr. Marlena Evans (see above) is busy hypnotizing people when she does show up. Her prior demonic possession seems to have worn her out. The other doctor who used to work (I use the term loosely) there was Dr. Sarah Horton. She primarily just goes to the hospital to get everyone's opinions about her own love life. She is currently suffering from hallucinations and was just recently thinking that she was five. The MAIN reason to avid this hospital is their incredible LACK of professionalism, and you will hear about everyone's medical background, test results, and other HIPAA violations. Speaking of test results, there is no security, so lab results are changed at anyone's whim, so NEVER trust a lab result from them. But, if you have to be admitted, since they only have one hospital room, you may have to wait in the hallway.
 
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Sweet Bits

Danish Pastry - no stars

The least a customer wants from a bakery is that it be open every morning so he/she can get their morning coffee and donut. This place doesn't come close. And even when its open, the service is awful, with the two owners preoccupied with talk about their apparently messy personal lives. As for the baked goods here, they are either stale or soggy, and look and taste as if they came from the dumpster behind the Brady Pub. Do yourself a favor and stay far away from this sorry excuse for a bakery. Stick with Martha's Muffins and the local Dunkin' Donuts.
 
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Sweet Bits

Simple Simon - no stars

I had avoided this place because of its bad reputation, but I really love pies so when I saw peach pies on sale yesterday, I took a chance. What a mistake. The crust was soggy and the peaches came straight from a can. The only people who could possibly make use of these pies are the Three Stooges.
 
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Sweet Bits

Blueberry Cobbler Fan - zero stars

I'm pregnant with my first child and have been craving a good piece of pie in the worst way. After my doctor's appointment, I spied Sweet Bits in Horton Town Square and thought I'd stop in and get a piece of pie. Imagine my surprise to find what appeared to be one of the owners having a food fight with another adult. Yes, these were grown adults, throwing food like a couple of kids, making very sexual comments. Is this any way to run a business??? And who raised these overgrown bratty toddlers??? Their parents should be strung up in the town square so we could throw pies AT THEM! Well I can tell you, I'm no longer craving any pie. Wonder if that nice Maggie Kiriakis took some lemon bars over to Julie's Place?
 
Smith Island

LuvMyVacation - one star

This mysteriously popular vacation spot for Salemites has great scenery and access to the water, but that's where its positives run out. Rentals are limited to cabins that smell of mold and mice, there's no wifi or phone service, no grocery store, and the ferry service is undependable. The locals have seen so many overheated, dysfunctional Salemites that they are surly and unfriendly toward outsiders. Even worse is the local wildlife. Forget about cute critters. These animals look vicious and are decidedly hostile. Worst of all are the raccoons, who actually carry firearms. (Yes, it's true!) Do yourself a favor, skip Smith Island, and take your rustic vacation at some nice place in northern Wisconsin, Minnesota, or Ontario.
 
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