Smith Island raccoons

Just Samantha

Just Samantha

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The Smith Island raccoons want to assure everyone they are practicing safe hygiene in this time of crisis.

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The raccoons have also announced a strict ban on travel to Smith Island. Any overheated Salemites looking for a trysting place or fugitives on the run from the authorities will be firmly denied entry. They have also banned Kristen on the grounds of good taste and common sense.

"Get out and stay out!!!!
 
Note that in addition to washing his/her hands, this raccoon is staring intently into the distance. It's probably watching the water that divides Smith Island from Salem, making sure that no amorous Salemites are coming over for an illicit tryst or that some criminal, determined to evade the Salem P.D., is heading to Smith Island to hide out. That said, whatever the situation, the raccoons seem to have things under control. Dr. Fauci and the CDC both confirm that there hasn't been a single case of the coronavirus on Smith Island since the pandemic began.

Facts About Raccoons | Live Science
Smith Island raccoon: "You can take it to the bank.
We don't miss a thing."
 
The raccoons are firmly reminding Salemites that there is still a pandemic and that they are still keeping a careful watch to ensure that no undesirables come to Smith Island.
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They also have announced that only Salemites who have a certificate proving they have had their two vaccination shots may land at the Smith Island dock. Noting that they doubt that Dr. Sarah Horton can count to two, they add that no certificates from University Hospital will be accepted. A certificate from a real hospital or clinic is a must.
 
The Horton cabin raccoons have now learned that EJ is back in town and is as odious as ever. They are most displeased and have now warned him to stay far away or face dire consequences.
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"Hey EJ, you and your oversized libido better stay
off Smith Island. If you show up at the cabin for
a disgusting tryst with Gabi, Gwen, Chanel, or
anyone else, we'll lay so much hurt on you that
you'll be begging an angry Sami to shoot you again."
 
The Horton cabin raccoons have updated their undesirables list, meaning that EJ has lots of company on it.
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Alex, Chanel, and Allie: "No tacky threesomes on Smith Island. And the same goes for your soggy/stale baked goods."
Kritter Kristen: "The Forest Preserve Bear is standing by to put a serious end to you."
Li Shin: "No scheming business types wanted. Only upstanding critters."
Stefan Zero: "No Zombies allowed. If you need to keep busy, join the cast of Michael Jackson's Thriller.
Dr. Rexy: "Don't come near us with that giant syringe."
Rolf: "Don't even think about bringing your lab to Smith Island. If you do, we'll perform some interesting experiments on you."
Roman: "Now that it seems you'll be getting kisses, keep your smooch show at the Pub."
 
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The boss raccoon has solicited his followers for suggestions on how to quickly get rid of Johnny and Chanel ASAP. Here are the responses so far.

— Make sure the bed sheets acquire that musky eau de raccoon aroma.

— Quickly eat any celebratory pies or cakes they bring along.

— Clog the toilet with Charmin and shredded copies of the Spectator.

— Turn off the water.

— Block the chimney with twigs and dried leaves.

— To ruin the mood, scatter some of Love Doctor Jonas’s old, used condoms on the floor.

— To ruin Johnny’s digestion, leave on the table Percy’s graphic photos of EJ trysting with Abigail..
 
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