The News According to John Black: Spoiler Edition

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Now that Sami's Spoiler Edition has gone to a Part 2, John Black who once briefly hijacked her thread has decided to start his own to prove that people care more for his view of things than Sami's snarky opinions.

Steve to leave Salem: This can't happen. What's Black Patch without Patch? This is the worst thing to happen to me since my last coma.

Abigail doesn't know the paternity of her baby: She ought to call Black Patch. We're the masters of tamper-proof paternity tests.

Lani to stay in Salem: I don't want to be impolite, but Lani adds very little to the local scene. She can't solve crimes or tell the truth about the paternity of her unborn child. Abe should advise her to go back to Baltimore.

Stefan Zero to stay in Salem: OMG. This fourth-rate Stefano should just pack it up and leave. The old man had some class, but this creep seems to have crawled out of the Salem City Dump.

Kristen may return: The bad news just keeps on coming. Some people might think that Doc will be in danger again, but it's Kristen who'd better watch out. I'll make Kristen sorry that she ever heard of Salem. And that's a fact.
 
Hope and Rafe race to find Ciara. They'd find her a lot faster if only they'd call Black Patch. That's a fact.

Will and Sonny try to find out what happened to Leo. Again, this is a job for Black Patch. We specialize in tracking down shifty little grifters be they dead or alive.

Ciara confronts Ben about the cabin fire. Is the Weston kid being blamed unfairly? Once again it could be Black Patch to the rescue. We could find out the cause of the fire a lot faster than the local investigators. We're what you call all-around experts. Fires, plane crashes, auto accidents, murder scenes, kidnappings, insurance fraud, and cheating spouses -- we've got it all covered.

Stefan pressures Kate. This sorry excuse for a DiMera has no idea of what he's getting into. Nobody pressures Kate Roberts. It wouldn't surprise me if Black Patch will eventually be called on to search for his body.
 
Jennifer is determined to discover who put drugs in JJ's apartment. This is no job for an amateur. Jennifer should call Black Patch today. We'd have an answer by sundown.

Hope and Rafe press Ben about the fire. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, this is a job for Black Patch. Instead of putting the screws to Ben, Hope and Rafe should be asking us to investigate the fire scene. Our skills vastly exceed those of the local fire marshals,]

Brady says goodbye to Tater Tot. Why didn't my poor son ask Black Patch for help. We could have gathered evidence so solid that even Justin couldn't have lost the custody case.

Abigail considers an abortion. As I said two weeks ago, Abigail should arrange for a tamper-proof Black Patch DNA test. It would discover in an instant if she's carrying the spawn of the Devil.

By the way, my spoilers thread has more views than a certain Brady woman's. That's a fact.
 
DrBakerFan said:
By the way, my spoilers thread has more views than a certain Brady woman's. That's a fact.
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Chad unknowingly plays into Stefan Zero's hands. Poor Chad. He should ask me for advice about dealing with slimy DiMeras. With my advice, he'll soon have the upper hand over the rapist creep.

Eric proposes to Jennifer. Good luck to them, but the odds aren't favorable. This is another Salem example of hope prevailing over experience. Apart from Doc and myself, very few couples have found happiness in the garden of love. Sadly, that's a fact.

Sonny and Will discover the source of the threatening notes. When will people ever learn. If they receiving threatening notes, they should call Black Patch ASAP. Notes made from magazine and newspaper clippings are one of our specialties.

John asks Paul for wedding help. Of course I did. My fine son is not only an ace detective, but he's a super wedding planner. Now if only Brady could get his act together (sigh).
 
Pleased that his thread is getting many more views that Sami's, John Black belatedly weighs in on the week of July 23 spoilers.

Vengeful Gabi vents to JJ. Yes, Gabi's in a tough spot, but she shouldn't be unloading on the poor Deveraux kid who has troubles of his own. Instead, she should schedule an appointment with Doc. Nobody soothes the inner savage beast like my beloved Marlena.

Will shows Sonny the anonymous letter. Will is wasting time. He should show Paul and I the letter. That anonymous writer wouldn't be anonymous long. That's a fact.

Victor warns Eve that Jennifer is getting close to the truth. If Jennifer had consulted with Black Patch, Vic would be telling her that the truth has been discovered!

John and Marlena have special requests for Brady and Eric. My request is simple. If you're coming to the wedding, do your best to smile.
 
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DrBakerFan said:
My request is simple. If you're coming to the wedding, do your best to smile.
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Reply from Sami: NO, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOO! I will NEVER smile over my mom marrying a life-ruining doodyhead like you! She should marry my daddy again, instead of Anna, who is an old hag, just like her stoopid daughter, and ol' Granny Hope. They should all go and live in the Salem old folks home, do word search puzzles and eat tapioca pudding.
 
Chad walks out on Abigail. And another marriage bites the dust. Sadly, most Salem couples just don't have the magic that Doc and I have.

John advises Steve about Kayla's secret. This one was a tough call. Steve and Kayla are a great couple, but keeping secrets is the sure road to Salem divorce court. (And who wants their personal life picked over by the likes of Judge Damon Thorpe and Judge Rose Duncan?)

Hope give Ben an ultimatum. Hope should cool her jets. Instead, she should hire Black Patch to keep a discreet eye on Ben. If anything seems awry it will be Paul, Bionic Steve, and I to the rescue.

Marlena is upset when John sees her in her wedding dress. Doc shouldn't worry. All the major roadblocks to our happiness are gone from Salem: Stefano, EJ, Andre, Dr. Rolf, Orpheus, Kristen, and my crazy father. From now on, it's a clear path to marital bliss. That's (hopefully) a fact.

P.S., do everyone a favor and peruse Sami's snarky spoiler posts. It will soothe her fragile ego and perhaps help keep her very big, loud mouth shut (at least for a few moments).
 
Paul confronts Will: That's my boy. Nothing gets past him. That said, he needs to learn to be more subtle. Confronting people in this town just makes them more stubborn and secretive.

Steve breaks into Kayla's phone and then threatens her. This is just sad. Other than Doc and I, Steve and Kayla were the only other quality couple in Salem, and now they're having problems. This place is rough on relationships. That's a fact.

Will exposes Ted's scheme. Two points for Sami's kid, but he should leave this sort of thing to Black Patch. Salem villains can get nasty when exposed.

Kate dreams of Andre. Now that's one awful nightmare. Luckily, I never dream of DiMeras and any other Salem sickos. I just flush and forget 'em.
 
DrBakerFan said:
Other than Doc and I, Steve and Kayla were the only other quality couple in Salem, and now they're having problems. This place is rough on relationships. That's a fact.
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Reply from Sami: Your many comas have scrambled your brains if you think you and my mom are a quality couple. Ugh! Besides, me and my sweet smoochy-moochy were the highest quality couple Salem has ever seen and you're stoopid if you don't agree.

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Adrienne confronts Bonnie. Adrienne should stay far away from this wack job. Black Patch could easily scoop her up and deposit her -- nicely gift-wrapped -- at the police station.

Surprise guests at Marlena's party. OMG, I hope that Princess Gina, Kristen DiMera or Mother Robichaud aren't going to show up.

The bizarre wedding gift. I have no idea what this might be, but certainly hope it isn't another sex tape. (Sami didn't tape that table-top incident did she?)

Wedding chaos. Why did I ever think that Doc and I could beat the Salem wedding odds? In recent years, no wedding has gone off without a hitch. That's a very sad fact.
 
Marlena is shot at the wedding. This is all my fault. I should have insisted that the ceremony be guarded by Black Patch, the ISA, and some Salem cops.

Rafe arrests Sami. Thank God. With Sami in a cell, I won't have to listen to her.

Sami has a major showdown with Hope. This won't be fun for Hope, but at least Sami will be too busy to start in about that tabletop incident. (Why oh why didn't Doc and I get a room?)

Steve supports John as he waits for word on Marlena. That's my pal, Patch. He always stands by his friends unlike most Salemites who'd stab them in the back. That's a fact.
 
Although he's devastated by what's happened to Marlena, John has managed to jot down a few comments.

Upsetting news about Steve. Won't the bad news ever stop. First Doc, and now Steve. This is almost too much for one man to bear. That's a fact.

John anxiously waits for news about Marlena. "Anxiously" can't begin to describe my state of mind.

Eric and Brady try to support John. Thanks guys. I need all the support that I can get.
 
A distraught John has pulled himself together enough to make a few comments on new developments.

Marlena's loved ones gather to say goodbye. This is nice of them, but is way, way premature. My Doc is a fighter and she'll pull through for sure.

John and Belle have a tense discussion over Marlena. Belle ought to leave decisions about Doc's fate to me. Nobody knows her the way I do.

Paul makes a stunning realization. My poor son. He never should have gotten in the middle of the Sonny-Will relationship. It was always the road to nowhere.

Hope says she has new evidence against Ben. Does she really have something -- who knows? This whole Ben situation could have been cleared up to everyone's satisfaction if Black Patch had done the investigation. We'd have had this one definitively wrapped up in a Salem second.
 
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Things keep getting worse for poor John, but he bravely keeps an eye on the Salem scene.

Marlena is taken off like support. OMG, I never thought it would come to this, but I still have faith that Doc can pull through.

Hope and Rafe argue over Ben. Good grief, is this still going on? Black Patch could have definitively settled the Ben question when it first arose.

Lucas gets paternity test results. This was another job for Black Patch. With faking tests being the rule rather than the exception in Salem, only a fool-proof Black Patch supervised test would give accurate results.
 
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