The News According to Roman: Spoiler Edition

Sarah may be pregnant. [What da hell? My foolish son should have stuck with his vow of celibacy. In fact, there are a lot of people who'd be better off today if they' practiced celibacy.]

Jack and JJ try to make a deal with Rolf. [Who tries to make deals with Stefano's old mad scientist? Our wacky mayor and Jennifer's kid need a dose of the good, old-fashioned Salem common sense that Ma used to provide.]
 
Because the Pub staff rarely show up for work, Roman is too busy to make any comments this week. Instead, he has kindly donated his space to some incarcerated former Salemites.

Gabi gets into it again with Julie: [Vargas -- When I get out, that Gabi will be on the receiving end of grief for a change. I haven't forgotten that she murdered my old jailhouse buddy, Nick Fallon.]

Viv tries to kill Kate again: [Gus -- OMG what has happened to my Madame? She seems to have lost her mind. It must be the bad influence of that awful poseur Ivan and her bumbling son, Stefan.]

Brady makes a confession about Kristen: [Ian McAllister -- Victor's grandson is an idiot. When is he going to wise up, get me out, and make me CEO of Titan again? Now that I'm over my DiMera insanity, I'd be a big improvement over dumb Brady and clueless Sonny.]

Maggie gets into it with Victor over attacking Ben: [Dr. Baker -- OMG, the old criminal is at it again. Why am I still in jail while Victor enjoys his freedom, scarfing down home-baked cookies,and slurping warm, bedtime milk?]
 
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Lucas and Will say farewell to Kate. [What da hell? What make them think that Kate may die? Kate is tough as nails. I'd bet the my entire stock of Wanchai Ferry that she'll recover.]

Sarah to keep her baby. [That's it. I'll have to let Eric go just as I did with Ciara. Canoodling with Nicole while obsessing over Sarah's baby will leave him absolutely no time to do whatever it is that he does here at the Pub.]
 
Chad admits to Abigail that he's been in touch with Abigail. [What da hell is going on. Can't anyone stay dead in this town?]

Eric realizes that JJ is high. [This is another case that rates a "what da hell." I thought that kid cleaned up his act and had realized that the best way to get high in Salem was to pig out on tasty Brady Burgers.]

Kristen tells about why she once left Salem. [Why is this DiMera monster still in Salem? If only LIttle Brother was still around. He'd tie her to her broom and launch her right out of town.]
 
Eric tells Roman about big plans for the future. [I hope this means he might be showing up for work once in a while. I'm sick of clearing tables. Pub customers are such slobs.]

Eric has a surprise for Nicole. [What da hell? Based on her past history, the last thing Nicole needs in her life are "big surprises." Frankly, the biggest surprise she could get is that my work-shy son is finally going to be bringing in a paycheck.]
 
Kate threatens to expose Stefano. [If Kate wants to keep her job, she better give priority to serving customers to messing around with any kind of Stefano -- the real deal, an impersonator, or a figment of her imagination.]

Kayla confronts Steve. [Hopefully, she doesn't do this in the Pub. This will be a decidedly messy encounter, and I have enough problems with customers being driven away by Kate's rudeness, Eric's sour expressions, and the occasional bad clam in the chowder.]

Julie and Doug's New Year's Party crashed by an unexpected couple. [This is why everyone should come to the Pub's swinging New Year's bash; good company; unwatered drinks; and taste sensations like EJ Chow, choco-puffs, and Wanchai Ferry. As my old pal John Black would say, "that's a fact."]
 
Anna creates chaos at Stefano's den of inquity. [What da hell is Anna doing with him? I thought she and Tony had wised up about the old monster.}

Sheila pays Salem a visit. [My old pal, Abe, made a mistake letting this gal get away. He ought to make a move now. After all, ever since Eli's mother blew town he's been as kissless as I am.]

Ben and Ciara discuss their future. [Hopefully, they don't think that includes working at the Pub. Ciara hardly ever showed up when she was here and the last thing I need are hordes of the curious showing up to ask Ben what it's like to be executed;]
 
Kate applies for a job with Abe. [What da hell does Kate think she's doing? Salem's city government has enough problems already without her messing things up with one of her underhanded schemes.]

Orpheus is free. [What da hell is that monster doing walking the streets? If I was still police commissioner, he'd be locked up in the lowest depths of the Salem jail.]

Kristen attacks Victor. [I know that as a former police commissioner, I shouldn't be endorsing criminal violence, but it's high time that Victor had one of his goons take care of the DiMera witch once and for all.]
 
Lani helps Kristen escape. [OMG, what does she think she's doing -- helping that gargoyle. This is the most disgraceful action by a Salem police officer since the crazy cop shot up the Pub because she thought that John Black had stolen his pension fund.]

Zoey threatens Sonny. [What da hell does that lowlife legal shark think she's doing? We've had some pretty sleazy shysters in town over the years, but this Zoey creature is the worst yet.]
 
Victor warns Abe that hiring Kate is a mistake. [For once, the old schemer is right about something. Bringing Kate into City Hall is a case of allowing a very hungry fox into the henhouse. As John Black would say, that's a fact.]

Ciara helps Ben out of another dangerous situation. [That Ciara really can do remarkable things when she sets her mind to it. It's too bad that she didn't bring this dedication to her job here at the Pub. Her work habits even made feckless Eric's sorry job performance look good.]

Rafe is shot. [What da hell is going on in Salem? If people aren't going into comas, they're getting shot. If I was a younger man, I'd take the police commissioner's job again and really clean up this town.]
 
Sarah rips into Victor. [Sure, Vic made some serious mistakes, but he doesn't deserve non-stop abuse from the likes of Sarah. I'm telling all the Pub bartenders to stop serving that boozy babe.]

Drunk Steve is tempted to tell Kayla the truth. [I'm cutting Steve off too. He gets into more than enough trouble while he's sober. God knows what kind of messes he'll get himself into if he has way more than one too many.]
 
Eli and Lani make a big decision about their wedding. [The best decision that they could make would be to hold their reception at the Pub. What more could they want -- good food, fine drink, and me with a baseball bat under the bar ready to deal with any would-be disruptive troublemakers?]

Eric wants to marry Nicole immediately. [What da hell? What's the rush? As Ma would have said: "Marry in haste, repent at leisure." And with a woman with a track record like Nicole Walker, Eric could eventually end up doing a lot of repenting.]
 
Nicole questions Allie about the father of her baby. [If Sami hears about this, there will be big trouble. Sami can't stand Nicole and this will really set her off. If she does return to Salem to confront Nicole, , I just hope that she does it some place other than the Pub. I don't want my customers scared away.]

Kate takes her frustrations out on Hope. [What da hell is Kate thinking? Is working for Abe at City Hall so dull that she has to jazz up her life by dumping on poor, unemployed Hope?]
 
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