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JOHN & MARLENA’S TOP 10 PARENTING TIPS
10. SEX EDUCATION & MORALS - Sex is a very difficult topic for any parent. Fortunately boardroom tables are just large enough to provide a visual demonstration. WARNING: failure to address this topic can lead to such deviant behavior as promiscuity, unexpected pregnancy, girly book collections, underage drinking and sex on the beach. Having sex constantly at all hours provides your child with the opportunity to answer the phone properly, truthfully telling callers just where her parents are and what they are doing, and setting an example of honesty being best policy.
9. CREDIT CARD USAGE & EARNING MONEY – Children should be given unlimited use of the credit card, and always pay off all the balances for them. Do not teach them the value of money. Shopping and basketball should be their major activities, and if they run low on cash, are bored with using daddy’s credit card, teach them to get some extra bucks by commencing frivolous lawsuits against innocent people, playing off witnesses, hiring sleazy lawyers, and lying while giving sworn testimony. Stand by your child and consider this your proudest moment. That’s a fact. Have your children follow your wonderful example: Claim to have a job, spend a barrelful of money at the drop of a hat, BUT NEVER ACTUALLY WORK!
8. PATERNITY ISSUES – Always lie about paternity. Someone else can raise your child, and all you have to do is raise an eyebrow. (John will teach the eyebrow lift, as not everyone can do it) Accept the fact that the number & identity of your children will vary from time to time. The children you are raising might not be yours, because you are mistaken in your own identity, and thought you were your wife’s ex-husband. Or you may unknowingly be father of a child whose mother thought she was some dead princess, and you both were being controlled by idiotic brain chips. Whatever, do not involve yourselves into your children’s lives. Let months and years go by with no contact, then blame resulting behavior problems on your spouse. Remember there is no such thing as a soul mate, so don’t sweat losing a boyfriend/girlfriend. Let’s see...how many “true loves” has John had???? Let us count the ways. Marlena, Isabella, Kristen, Diana....And Marlena????? Don, Roman, John........
7. CURFEWS- LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE! They can take care of themselves. Just leave a saucer of milk and some shredded newspaper on the floor....that’s all they’ll need. Always let the kids out til all hours, no questions asked. Let your children roam the streets on schooldays at all hours of day or night, and never make them accountable for where they have been, or what they have been up to. Curfews are NOT necessary, let them stay out as late as they please, after all you disappear yourselves for days, months and years at a time with no word to anyone, so why should they be any different.
6. TRAVEL – Take your children out of school to fly around the world in your private jet for any reason you can concoct...encourage them to bring their friends. Bringing the kids along on dangerous adventures helps promote family bonding. Just because they should be in school is no reason not to let them travel half way around the world any time they want, whether to a coronation in a foreign country, or an educational school trip. Once they are gone, put them out of your mind. Don’t try to contact them, check with school authorities that all is o.k., or check weather stations since it is hurricane season. Don’t worry that all kids made it off the island except yours, who were abandoned, and never notice that your son is missing, not having been home for a few nights. Missing persons? Police? School classes? Don’t even be sidetracked by such mundane thoughts.
5. SIBLINGS –Try to have as many children as you can, but they each must have different sets of parents. This makes sure the gene pool stays clean, plus ensures larger, extended family, more cousins and livelier family gatherings. Also insures that each child feels unique. When your child is troubled and decides to leave town, don’t bother to see him off, and ever after, never let him know of any sort of family crisis. Never inform your other children that their siblings may be hurt or dead. Always remember to only love or care about one child at a time. And if one seems to be developing evil tendencies, turn a blind eye and don’t try to help.
4. NANNIES – This person is indispensable. Be willing to pay big bucks, as she is worth every dime. You definitely don’t want to do the actual child-rearing – feeding, bathing, reading to them, taking to school, caring for their colds, and putting to bed are nanny duties. Never spend more than 3 minutes at a time with your children while they are babies/toddlers. Always have a nanny handy to whisk them away after only a hug, even if you haven’t seen them in months due to being locked in a basement/stuck in a hole/brainwashed into thinking you are someone else/being possessed by Satan/scheduled for execution, etc. But as a parent – be flexible...you never know when you’ll be needed to chaperone a school dance, jump down an elevator shaft to save them during aftermath of a black-out, perform triage for them during a coronation massacre, or land a crippled plane safely onto an island, saving them and other family.
3. MEALS –Under no circumstances are any meals to be eaten together as a family. In fact, do not ever learn how to use the kitchen except to make tea. Nice family dinners are only for special holidays, let the children eat at a local restaurant.....the menus are SUPREME! (See Top 10 Salem Menus, lol) Your kids should be able to eat when and where they want. But make sure your own dining out is only done at Tuscany, where you can insult the hostess to your heart’s delight.
2. RESPECT & SELF-CONTROL - Teach your children to treat other people with same level of care, concern & respect you, yourself, always demonstrate. For example, when your child is greeting the owner of the only restaurant in town, (who happens to be your wife’s best friend & saved her life after she was locked in a secret room by Kristen DiMera) be sure your child knows to hurl insults at her for no apparent reason. Bond with your teenage son as you both can make fun of her to her face, and bring her to tears. Allow said son to trash your wife in front of you and say nothing. Extra brownie points if your child becomes physically violent and inflicts bodily injury or at the least causes extensive property damage while being hauled off to Salem PD. Teach self-control. Let your children be as rude as they want to be to any adult. Justify it with the fact that your child has issues....then blame the insulted adult for your child’s rude behavior. No matter what your children do, you must always stick up for them and refuse to see their bad traits. That way, they can continue to pull the wool over your eyes their entire lives.
AND THE #1 TIP ON PARENTING FROM JOHN & MARLENA......
FOCUS ON RAPID AGING – Carry pictures, fingerprints, & DNA with you at all times. That way you will know for sure a child is yours when you return from a honeymoon to find they have aged 10 years. Marlena has a really good boarding school on speed dial, where kids miraculously age more than a decade while being thoroughly trained in how to work at a Fortune 500 Co. without a college degree...must be all those electives in deceit, treachery and manipulation. College is overrated. Who needs a degree when your dad owns the company, or you can blackmail the CEO. But be sure and call ahead to Caroline’s to make sure there is room in the attic. All the little kids end up over at her house, where they safely remain while you are being kidnapped by Stefano, or run off to New Orleans, Paris or Ireland on some wild goose chase.
And a final word ....from John: “Just remember, kids, if you put your chip...I mean your mind...to it, you can be anything you want to be.....a rich entrepreneur/philanthropist, a poor exorcist-performing priest, a European prince, cold-blooded mercenary, lawyer, art thief, brain surgeon, an adulterer, pilot, cop.......”
And from Marlena to Carrie/Belle/Sami: “ If some rich, narcissistic maniac with delusions of grandeur wants to make you his Queen of the Night, just play along until he gets bored, because it sure beats being put in a golden cage in the sewers of Paris, or getting turned into Satan Spawn.!!”
10. SEX EDUCATION & MORALS - Sex is a very difficult topic for any parent. Fortunately boardroom tables are just large enough to provide a visual demonstration. WARNING: failure to address this topic can lead to such deviant behavior as promiscuity, unexpected pregnancy, girly book collections, underage drinking and sex on the beach. Having sex constantly at all hours provides your child with the opportunity to answer the phone properly, truthfully telling callers just where her parents are and what they are doing, and setting an example of honesty being best policy.
9. CREDIT CARD USAGE & EARNING MONEY – Children should be given unlimited use of the credit card, and always pay off all the balances for them. Do not teach them the value of money. Shopping and basketball should be their major activities, and if they run low on cash, are bored with using daddy’s credit card, teach them to get some extra bucks by commencing frivolous lawsuits against innocent people, playing off witnesses, hiring sleazy lawyers, and lying while giving sworn testimony. Stand by your child and consider this your proudest moment. That’s a fact. Have your children follow your wonderful example: Claim to have a job, spend a barrelful of money at the drop of a hat, BUT NEVER ACTUALLY WORK!
8. PATERNITY ISSUES – Always lie about paternity. Someone else can raise your child, and all you have to do is raise an eyebrow. (John will teach the eyebrow lift, as not everyone can do it) Accept the fact that the number & identity of your children will vary from time to time. The children you are raising might not be yours, because you are mistaken in your own identity, and thought you were your wife’s ex-husband. Or you may unknowingly be father of a child whose mother thought she was some dead princess, and you both were being controlled by idiotic brain chips. Whatever, do not involve yourselves into your children’s lives. Let months and years go by with no contact, then blame resulting behavior problems on your spouse. Remember there is no such thing as a soul mate, so don’t sweat losing a boyfriend/girlfriend. Let’s see...how many “true loves” has John had???? Let us count the ways. Marlena, Isabella, Kristen, Diana....And Marlena????? Don, Roman, John........
7. CURFEWS- LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE! They can take care of themselves. Just leave a saucer of milk and some shredded newspaper on the floor....that’s all they’ll need. Always let the kids out til all hours, no questions asked. Let your children roam the streets on schooldays at all hours of day or night, and never make them accountable for where they have been, or what they have been up to. Curfews are NOT necessary, let them stay out as late as they please, after all you disappear yourselves for days, months and years at a time with no word to anyone, so why should they be any different.
6. TRAVEL – Take your children out of school to fly around the world in your private jet for any reason you can concoct...encourage them to bring their friends. Bringing the kids along on dangerous adventures helps promote family bonding. Just because they should be in school is no reason not to let them travel half way around the world any time they want, whether to a coronation in a foreign country, or an educational school trip. Once they are gone, put them out of your mind. Don’t try to contact them, check with school authorities that all is o.k., or check weather stations since it is hurricane season. Don’t worry that all kids made it off the island except yours, who were abandoned, and never notice that your son is missing, not having been home for a few nights. Missing persons? Police? School classes? Don’t even be sidetracked by such mundane thoughts.
5. SIBLINGS –Try to have as many children as you can, but they each must have different sets of parents. This makes sure the gene pool stays clean, plus ensures larger, extended family, more cousins and livelier family gatherings. Also insures that each child feels unique. When your child is troubled and decides to leave town, don’t bother to see him off, and ever after, never let him know of any sort of family crisis. Never inform your other children that their siblings may be hurt or dead. Always remember to only love or care about one child at a time. And if one seems to be developing evil tendencies, turn a blind eye and don’t try to help.
4. NANNIES – This person is indispensable. Be willing to pay big bucks, as she is worth every dime. You definitely don’t want to do the actual child-rearing – feeding, bathing, reading to them, taking to school, caring for their colds, and putting to bed are nanny duties. Never spend more than 3 minutes at a time with your children while they are babies/toddlers. Always have a nanny handy to whisk them away after only a hug, even if you haven’t seen them in months due to being locked in a basement/stuck in a hole/brainwashed into thinking you are someone else/being possessed by Satan/scheduled for execution, etc. But as a parent – be flexible...you never know when you’ll be needed to chaperone a school dance, jump down an elevator shaft to save them during aftermath of a black-out, perform triage for them during a coronation massacre, or land a crippled plane safely onto an island, saving them and other family.
3. MEALS –Under no circumstances are any meals to be eaten together as a family. In fact, do not ever learn how to use the kitchen except to make tea. Nice family dinners are only for special holidays, let the children eat at a local restaurant.....the menus are SUPREME! (See Top 10 Salem Menus, lol) Your kids should be able to eat when and where they want. But make sure your own dining out is only done at Tuscany, where you can insult the hostess to your heart’s delight.
2. RESPECT & SELF-CONTROL - Teach your children to treat other people with same level of care, concern & respect you, yourself, always demonstrate. For example, when your child is greeting the owner of the only restaurant in town, (who happens to be your wife’s best friend & saved her life after she was locked in a secret room by Kristen DiMera) be sure your child knows to hurl insults at her for no apparent reason. Bond with your teenage son as you both can make fun of her to her face, and bring her to tears. Allow said son to trash your wife in front of you and say nothing. Extra brownie points if your child becomes physically violent and inflicts bodily injury or at the least causes extensive property damage while being hauled off to Salem PD. Teach self-control. Let your children be as rude as they want to be to any adult. Justify it with the fact that your child has issues....then blame the insulted adult for your child’s rude behavior. No matter what your children do, you must always stick up for them and refuse to see their bad traits. That way, they can continue to pull the wool over your eyes their entire lives.
AND THE #1 TIP ON PARENTING FROM JOHN & MARLENA......
FOCUS ON RAPID AGING – Carry pictures, fingerprints, & DNA with you at all times. That way you will know for sure a child is yours when you return from a honeymoon to find they have aged 10 years. Marlena has a really good boarding school on speed dial, where kids miraculously age more than a decade while being thoroughly trained in how to work at a Fortune 500 Co. without a college degree...must be all those electives in deceit, treachery and manipulation. College is overrated. Who needs a degree when your dad owns the company, or you can blackmail the CEO. But be sure and call ahead to Caroline’s to make sure there is room in the attic. All the little kids end up over at her house, where they safely remain while you are being kidnapped by Stefano, or run off to New Orleans, Paris or Ireland on some wild goose chase.
And a final word ....from John: “Just remember, kids, if you put your chip...I mean your mind...to it, you can be anything you want to be.....a rich entrepreneur/philanthropist, a poor exorcist-performing priest, a European prince, cold-blooded mercenary, lawyer, art thief, brain surgeon, an adulterer, pilot, cop.......”
And from Marlena to Carrie/Belle/Sami: “ If some rich, narcissistic maniac with delusions of grandeur wants to make you his Queen of the Night, just play along until he gets bored, because it sure beats being put in a golden cage in the sewers of Paris, or getting turned into Satan Spawn.!!”
