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“ YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM SALEM……..”
10.TIME ZONES & WEATHER….only in Salem can you be skating on your pond, admiring the snow falling, remarking about the cold, then hop in your car to drive around town where trees are abundant with leaves, lawns are green, and flowers are blooming. While shopping at an outdoor mall in middle of winter, you warm up with a giant cup of coffee or hot chocolate at an outdoor café. While you are eating breakfast, your friends two blocks away are formally dressed to go to dinner at Tuscany, school is nearly out for the day, and your next door neighbors are putting their children to sleep for the night. No matter where you are, it is the same time of day, Salem, Paris, Italy, Virtual Eden., and it only takes an hour to get there if you fly, which is maybe why you can get a ticket to anywhere on a moment’s notice. And any airport in Europe will give you a ticket for a direct flight to Salem USA, no problem. They even know where it is
9. CONVERSATIONS WITH YOURSELF… you can stand 1 foot away from everyone in the room and talk (audibly) to yourself, and no one even notices you telling the world your secrets…except the one person you absolutely do not want to hear what you are saying. This is why you repeat the same sentences over and over, to the same people, day after day, and they always act as though it is the first time. They really do not listen.
8. PERSONAL SAFETY….you or some member of your family has been kidnapped, shot, accused of rape, or brainwashed at least once a month, and definitely have had amnesia. Tho present during explosions, fires, massacres, car wrecks, lightning strikes, you have no emotional after effects, and recover from any injuries in two days. Tho you have a nagging feeling Stefano is at the bottom of all your troubles, you never are able to prove it. Thus, you can be kidnapped, held captive in a cage, been stalked by a strangler and a stabber, and then cannot seem to have sex unless there are strawberries and whipped cream involved.
7. MAGIC CELL PHONES……everyone has a cell phone no matter how poor they may be. It is mandatory. Heck, you are issued one immediately upon entering town. All cell phones have a range unknown to mankind, reaching Europe, Chicago, across town and never need recharging. They work anywhere - in hospitals, airplanes, in the middle of the woods, out on a lake, and have replaced your usual wall phone at home.
6. REFRESHMENTS…….No matter how bad you feel or how your life sucks, everything looks rosy after one bite of one of Gram’s donuts. ….hmmmmm, I always wondered what the secret ingredient was….you don’t suppose?….Nah…..They say she has a wonderful garden and a green thumb though…..(note, no matter how many donuts you eat, you never gain an ounce and remain a size 2) You are addicted to caffeine! You are served gallons of all purpose calming tea when visiting friends. When you are out somewhere, you consume gallons of coffee served in gigantic cups, that sometimes given sophisticated names like mocha latte. In spite of drinking all that coffee and tea you NEVER have to use the bathroom. Tis a Salem miracle. However, women do use the restrooms…just not for the usual reason. They only go to have a nasty confrontation with another woman . This answers the age-old question about why women take longer than men, and why they always go in pairs….they’re in there having cat fights!
5. RETURN FROM THE DEAD…..you or some member of your family has returned from the dead at least once. There have been at least 2 funerals or memorial services in your honor. You die, and come back, then you die again, then come back, then die, then come back as yourself, but you look like Chris Kositcheck, and nobody notices the change.
4. ENDLESS DAYS & ENDLESS NIGHTS.. The Day of Your Life - You can wake up, argue with several people over breakfast, have coffee in Salem Place while chatting with other Salem residents, make a 5 minute appearance at work before going on break, go shopping, scheme a way to get your man/ bring down your enemies/hide your secrets/ or embezzle money, have lunch at the diner, bond w/your parents/friends/significant other/children, arrive home just in time for your teens to be coming home from “Hall” school, choose from your 10 formal dresses and assorted diamond jewelry something to wear to go out to dinner at Tuscany…..where you will meet every other person you know doing the same thing……change outfits 6 or 7 times, as well as hairstyles, attend the Last Blast Dance (even if you’re not in high school), make love or at least try to… You wake up the next morning, and find 3 weeks have gone by. .Could be this is called DAYS LIGHT SAVING TIME.
3. RAPID AGING......you go to bed a 3 yr old and wake up 16,. you reach sexual maturity 6 years after your were born (which of course was while your mom and “father” were awaiting rescue from a plane crash, being held captive, or were in prison, or snowed in, or......(you have no father, you have several fathers; you have only one father, but his identity alternates)........one day you’re eating graham crackers, learning the alphabet and watching Teletubbies. The next you’re graduating high school, and having a torrid affair with your cousin. But you don’t know it’s your cousin. However, your parents all have Dick Clark syndrome....they have become ageless, thus you and your parents will soon catch up, and people will take you for siblings. And lucky you, Salem High is the obvious gateway to a life of success. You only have to show up, chatter in the halls all day, attend 5 minutes of history class and you are guaranteed a highly paid executive position the minute you exit its doors. Heck, despite their total accumulative credit hours thus far being two, Chloe is an expert in trig, Belle can speak French fluently, and Jan can rig a hidden camera system that would make any secret agent green with envy.
2. THE MONEY TREE.....you do not have to show up at work regularly, you never have money problems, you can leave for weeks and months at a time, nobody questions your absence, your rent is paid, so are your other bills, job intact, even your house plants are self-watering. You can drop out of high school, yet have your choice of any executive position in any Fortune 500 company. No employee training necessary once you come up with one fantastic idea (like Bella’s new faces) making you an instant success. You will instantly be able to understand annual reports, prepare budgets, and come up with marketing ideas that make your boss swoon. You need only show up for work once every 2 or 3 months, unless you work in the greasy spoon diner, then is 24/7/365. Hardly anyone works, or shows up for the job they do have, but everyone walks around in upscale clothing, flies to Paris on a whim. Money does grow on trees. Need some for that quick Paris getaway? Designer shopping at the Salem Mall? Engagement ring or the “meaningful” pieces of jewelry? Want to buy a house? Just pluck some from the money tree. THIS is what makes those trees green in dead of winter. You never have to pay in a restaurant, go to the store or cook a meal. You never have to wash a dish or cook a meal, as your house miraculously cleans itself. Only in Salem can a waitress in a burger joint become President of a company, (after first beccoming a top model there) replacing the ousted president, who then becomes a waitress in a burger joint.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM SALEM IS.......
1. RELATIVES...... Your family tree has so many criss/crossed branches that you easily relate to the old song “I’m my own Grampaw”. Your family album consists of 36 volumes that include footnotes & a cross-referenced index. You are simultainiously someone’s uncle, brother, grandfather, half-cousin AND you go to school & are totally fine with being weirdly related to your best friend. You need a DNA test before you can go out on a date, and a double one if you decide you want to get married. Your boyfriend’s father is your brother’s uncle, your sister is your step-mother, your father’s son is your boyfriend’s brother or your cousin’s brother, etc. etc. You start thinking of dating Rolf or Bart since they are the only eligible men in Salem to whom you are not related.
All the intermixing of bloodlines explains why there seems to be a great lack of brains in Salem. You can wear a simple disguise, and your parents don’t recognize you. You end up being so dumb you don’t realize Aremid is DiMera spelled backwards, too dumb to realize your wife/girlfriend is wearing a pillow to fake her pregnancy.....and if a man, so dumb, you must take off all your clothes to count to 21.
