Harold and Henderson, et al - Backstairs Gossip

Henderson:

I wish Victor wouldn't eat Maggie's home-baked cookies in bed. I'm sick of cleaning up the crumbs.

I know that Sonny looks like the Big Boy burger kid, but does he have to leave the greasy burger wrappers under his bed?

Why can't Victor put a lock on the front door? I'm tired of walking into the living room and finding surprise guests swilling the family liquor.

Thank God lover-boy Brady moved out. Sanitizing his befouled bed sheets was almost as big a chore for me as cleaning the DiMera Love Couch was for my pal, Harold.

I hope Xander never moves back in. He was always leaving his wet towels everywhere.

Deimos was the worst. He was always banging on the piano into the wee hours when I needed my beauty sleep. Just as bad, he was always spilling things on his black suits, meaning that I kept having to take them to the dry cleaner.

Why can't Justin move into his own home like a real adult? I'm so sick of him strewing his legal papers all over the living room.
 
Harold: It is a travesty the police never returned with a warrant to search the tunnels. Mister Stefan gets away with so much, and the police seem to look the other way.
Master Chad & his wife have their faults, but are unable to see what Ms. Gabi is doing to them. I used to think they were so bright.
Mary: It's been nice and peaceful without having to worry about Thomas. His parents mostly ignored him, constantly wanting him to "nap". Am afraid though my little "vacation will be ending, as it seems the same thing is going on at Ms. Abigail's mother's home.
Henderson: This place is like a no tell motel, with Master Sonny's friends coming and going at all hours, some being invited to stay. I don't trust Ms. Gabi, heard her making up stories to Mr. Chad, and then that Ms. Banks who is upstairs, the voice is enough to hurt one's ears. While it is good Mr. Brady is gone, Master Sonny is filling all the rooms with......too polite to describe any more.
 
Employees of the Pub dish dirt.

I hate it when Roman's friends come in. They not only never pay, they also never tip.

People should know how few clams are really in the Pub's famous chowder. I once accidentally put a clam in a customer's chowder bowl and Roman threw a fit.

How do customers not notice that Roman stretches his supply of Brady Burger chopped beef by using hefty amounts of Hamburger Helper?

I hope Eric takes forever to track down Nicole. Working with this guy is such a downer. And some bartender he is. He doesn't know a martini from a mojito.

I wish Roman wouldn't ask us to promote Wanchai Ferry as one of the daily specials. It's embarrassing.
 
Harold & Henderson having a cup of tea....perhaps a drop or two of brandy for flavor.......:
Don't know why it is ordered that holiday decorations get put up and taken down in middle of night. Most folks love to do it themselves, enjoy it, make a bit of a party doing it.
Do not know why the Kiriakis & DiMeras refuse to even hang a wreath on their doors themselves.
Henderson: I thought when Mr. K married Maggie Horton things would change, but instead, they got worse.
Harold: And at DiMansion, with the young folks gone, no children around, just that sourpuss who pretends to be a relative, I cannot imagine how dreary the holidays will be. Of course, he would probably be good on Halloween doing Frankenstein.
Hahahahahah. clink of cups, down the hatch.
 
Recent developments prompt a new round of Harold-Henderson gossip.

Henderson

OMG, this Leo fellow is truly weird. Even that goofy Nick Fallon was a better house guest than he was.

Rats, Xander and his towel act are back. How many times a day does this man have to shower? And how many more people are going to show up to assault him? Don't they know that it's me who has to clean up the resulting mess?

When is that awful, mouthy Sarah going back to Chicago? All her loud squawking about her cheating ex is not only boring, it's giving me a headache.

Harold

It's a shame that Chad fired Mr. Ben as head of security. He may have once been the necktie strangler, but he was the sanest person in this house.

Does Stefan really have to lock himself in his room at night and wail for "Gabby?" It's keeping me awake.

That awful Gabi creature actually dared to knock Stefano's exquisite chess pieces all over the living room. Is nothing sacred?
 
Harold and Henderson dish dirt and share their current tales of woe.

Harold: Woe is me. Chloe Lane and her train-loving son just moved in. Now I have to listen to her singing and and constantly pick up the child's toys.

Henderson: Tough luck, but Mr. Brady just came back. This means having to endure all the tiresome arguments he has with Mr. Victor. And then there's that awful Sarah. First, I had to listen to her squawking about cheating Rex Brady, and now, inexplicably, she's back with him. I'd rather have Xander and Deimos back.

Harold: Dealing with awking, squawking airhead Sarah can't compare to the constant arguments between Chad and Stefan. It' the same stupid thing all the time -- blah, blah, blah. What was that stupid board thinking, making them co-CEOs?

Henderson: Really? Well I have to listen to Mr. Sonny fight with that awful grifter Leo Stark. He's the absolute worst. If he calls me "Hendy" one more time and asks me to clear all the empty liquor bottles out of his room again, there just might be a murder.

Harold: If that happens, let me know. We can stash the body in the DiMera underground tunnels and rooms. Experience shows that the Salem cops are so dumb that they never, ever bother to search down there. And if by some miracle they do find it, we can blame everything on Ben Weston. The gullible Ben-hater, Hope Brady, would eat this up with a fork and spoon.
 
Harold and Henderson again compare notes and complain about things at their respective mansions.

Harold: It's still cloud-cuckooland at the DiMansion: bullets flying through the windows, brainless Stefan trying to woo the reluctant Chloe, and the diva's kids running around and leaving their toys and cookie crumbs everywhere.

Henderson: Sanity, as usual, is still in short supply here at the K-Mansion: Maggie and Sarah blather endlessly about her wretched, cheating fiance and Will thinks that he may be a victim of Leo's evil eye curse. Good grief. Thank God for Victor and his one-liners.

Harold: Has he gotten off any good ones lately?

Henderson: You bet. He zinged that awful Sarah with inconvenient truths about cheating Dr. Rex and her one-night stand with Xander.

Harold: Sounds great. Let's meet at the Pub so you can fill me in on some more of Victor's good ones.

Henderson: Let's. I'd love a nice, juicy, greasy Brady Burger. The horrible Sarah has taken over the menu and has been pushing healthy food. If see kale, bok choy, and tofu show up on the menu here one more time, I'm going to lose it.
 
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Things change so quickly at the K-Mansion and DiMansion that Harold and Henderson always have something new to gossip about.

Harold: OMG, Mr. Stefan is even more clueless about woman than I thought. Now he's married that homicidal Gabriella Hernandez. I think that I'll invest in a Kevlar vest in case the bullets start flying.

Henderson: Here, the way that loudmouth Sarah keeps looking at men other than her husband, I can't help wondering if I've got a chance at last for some luv action.

Harold: Speaking of luv action, Mr. Ben spends more time in bed with the lovely Ciara than protecting the mansion from evildoers.

Henderson: At least you have some security. Here, our only hope is that Mr. Xander's scowls and grouchy Victor's growls will keep away unwanted visitors.

Harold: Gotta go. Mr. Stefan wants to hold a wedding reception that will include celebrating him getting out on bail.

Henderson: Me too. I have to deliver some fresh towels to Mr. Xander's room. it's amazing how fast he goes through them.
 
Harold and Henderson are gossiping again.

Harold: I can't say I miss Ms. Kate. She was so demanding, and her tirades against Ms. Vivian and Sami Brady were getting very tiresome.

Henderson: Kate can be pretty bad, but I wish Mr. Victor would take a vacation. The other day, he tried to strangle Ben Weston. Doesn't he realize that he's too old for such things.

Harold: Ms. Vivian is driving me crazy. She's always losing her pistol and wig of the day and asking me to find them.

Henderson: I wish that Mr. Sonny and Mr. Will would get real jobs. All they do his hang around the mansion, get underfoot, and pretend to be detectives.

Harold: The Mr. Stefan, Ms. Gabi, and Ms. Vivian circus is driving me absolutely crazy. Every time I see Mr. Stefano's portrait on the living-room wall, I get all teary-eyed thinking about the good-old days here at the mansion.

Henderson: You're fortunate that you have good-old days to look back on. Here at the mansion it's the same old, same old. Some of the characters may change, but it's the same dysfunctional nonsense over and over again.
 
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Carson the very proper Downton Abbey butler would be appalled by staff gossiping about their social betters, but Harold and Henderson just can't help themselves.

Henderson: Dr. Sarah is supposed to leave today. I can't say that I'm unhappy about this. I found her constant babble so irritating. I'm also not too pleased that Mr. Xander has gone legitimate. The care of his expensive business suits is just too time-consuming. I also wish that Ms. Kiriakis would stop making her lemon bars. The people in this house like them so much that they leave the crumbs literally everywhere: on the floor, between the sheets, on the rugs, and all over the chairs and sofas. Finally, having that horrible Kristen under our roof is so unnerving. I just don't trust that's awful gargoyle. Just what is wrong with Mr. Brady anyway? Can't he just stick her in the Salem Inn?

Harold: Sorry to hear about your many woes, Hendy. In the case of Kristen, your loss in my gain. Having that monster in the mansion was unbearable. Speaking of unbearable, all Ms. Gabi does these days is wail about Mr. Stefan and stick pins in a Lani doll. Talk about weird. And she hasn't even noticed that somebody has made off with the portrait of the late Mr. Stefano. She should be calling the police. The DiMera mansion is just not the DiMera mansion without that handsome picture. Finally, I have no problem with Mr. Ben and Ms. Ciara living in the gatehouse, but their presence is a magnet for that deranged Jordan Ridgeway. Every night I go to sleep with my trusty pistol under my pillow.

Henderson: Things sure are tough all over for butlers in Salem. The profession just isn't what it used to be.

Carson: You've got that right. Your employers are common riff-raff, you don't even have parlor maids and footmen, and nobody has the ability to organize dinner for twenty. Given this situation, you need not expect that Her Majesty will stop by for a visit.
 
Harold and Henderson are back at it.

Henderson: It was such a relief when Ms. Kristen left to join the nuns. I hope those rumors that she quit the order and might return aren't true.

Harold: I wish that Gabi would join the nuns. The way she and Eli carry on, I fear that the bad-old days of constantly having to sanitize the living room couch are about to return.

Henderson: Mr. Eli doesn't sound like much of a bargain, but Mr. Xander has been a pleasant surprise. He keeps his room nice and neat and he actually goes to work everyday unlike some other mansion residents that I could mention.

Harold: Somebody should tell big-mouth Gabi about going to work. Her idea of running DiMera Enterprises is sitting around squawking or scheming against Chad.

Henderson: Speaking of schemers, young Ms. Ciara seems to be quite the sneak, but if she thinks she can get the best of Mr. Victor and Mr. Xander she's sadly mistaken.

Harold: I rather miss Ciara. She was a breath of fresh air when she lived here with poor Ben. Now it's all nastiness: greedy Gabi, lover-boy Eli, resentful Chad, and angry Ms. Abigail. She worries me. One can never tell if she's going to lose it and set fire to her bedroom again.

Henderson: Gotta go. Speaking of fires, Ms. Maggie's latest batch of lemon bars somehow ignited in the oven and now I've got to clean up. Grrr.
 
Harold and Henderson have managed to get together again to share dirt and woes.

Henderson: The housekeepers have been complaining to me that they can't get into Mr. Brady and Ms. Kristen's room until past noon. Those two are insatiable -- a regular pair of overheated rabbits.

Harold: Luckily for us, Mr. Chad and Ms. Abigail have so many problems that they're usually up bright and early to face another awful day. Another stroke of luck is that the awful Ms. Gabi is now residing at the Salem jail. She was unbelievable -- ordering us around like we were a bunch of serfs. Imagine, a third-rate dress designer acting so high and mighty.

Henderson: Speaking of orders, we're back at Mr. Victor's beck and call. Since he was cut off from his warm milk, cookies, and lemon bars during his hospital stay, he's been making up for lost time by indulging several times a day.

Harold: Luckily, Mr. Chad and Ms. Abigail are weight conscious so we don't have a compulsive snacking problem. However, we just had the excitement of Mr. Ben being arrested at the gatehouse by Detective Hernandez followed by Ms. Ciara clubbing him over the head with a baseball bat.

Henderson: The Salem P.D. actually caught a fugitive?? That's remarkable. Luckily, we don't have to worry about the cops making any arrests here. Mr. Victor, Mr. Xander, and Mr. Brady are all too clever to fall into the hands of the inept local constabulary.... Whoops, gotta go. Mr. Victor just quit zinging the horrible Ms. Kristen and is now howling for his lemon bars again.
 
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Harold and Henderson are back at it -- sharing dirt during the Pub's happy hour.

Harold: I'm so glad that the bizarre, hybrid version of Mr. Stefano is about to go away. I was afraid that he'd want me to work at his Maison Blanche house of horrors. The very idea gave me the chills.

Henderson: I wish that Ms. Sarah would just go away. All her giggling and gushing over her upcoming wedding to Mr. Xander is getting on my nerves.

Harold: I feel your pain. When Mr. Chad was under the spell of Mr. Stefano, it was really strange. He'd stare into space and then suddenly bark out things that made no sense.

Henderson: What made no sense in Kiriakis land was Ms. Maggie volunteering for time in the slammer. With her not around, Mr. Victor has me running to the bakery at odd hours to get him cookies and lemon bars.

Harold: Speaking of the slammer, at long last we have nobody residing in the mansion dungeon. People who are confined down there make such a mess.

Henderson: On the subject of messes, Mr. Xander better clean up his act before marrying Ms. Sarah. No woman wants wet towels, dirty socks and underwear, and empty pizza boxes strewn everywhere.

Harold: Amen. And have you noticed that the Pub isn't looking so good now that Ms. Hattie isn't here to clean the tables. If Mr. Roman doesn't get his act together, he might just get a visit from the health department. Anyway, let's forget our problems and order another round of beers.
 
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