Harold and Henderson, et al - Backstairs Gossip

Henderson: Woe is me, Ever since the baby switch plot was exposed, Mr. Victor and Mr. Xander have been very cranky. Sometimes, I feel like hiding in the greenhouse with the gardeners.

Harold: Things aren't so peaceful here either. Just when I thought we were through with that unspeakable Gabi, she's back pitching herself as the future CEO of DiMera Enterprises. You'd think that she'd run and hide after her plot against Lani and Julie was exposed. I guess that there are some people who just can't be embarrassed.

Henderson: I feel your pain. I really hate these uninvited visitors. Ever since the baby switch was exposed, we've been invaded by infuriated sad sack Eric Brady, the enraged hideous harridan Kristen DiMera, and the perpetually outraged Mr. Brady.

Harold: Me too. The other day, I was down in the wine cellar selecting some fine vintages for dinner and was startled by the sudden presence of Mr. Tony who was pawing through the bottles in the champagne collection. Luckily, he's a wine illiterate and he chose some cheap stuff that we keep around for unimportant guests.

Henderson: Speaking of the good stuff, let's escape our respective houses of horrors and head down to the Pub for a few glasses of Roman's finest draft beer and some tasty chowder. With all their problems lately, it's unlikely that any DiMeras or Kiriakises will invade the place to disturb us on our much-deserved break.
 
Henderson: Blessed peace has finally descended on the K-mansion: Mr. Victor is in the hospital, Ms. Maggie is in the slammer, Dr. Sarah has crawled into a shell since losing her baby, and Mr. Xander is too preoccupied with trying to win her back to be much of a bother.

Harold: If only I was so lucky. Ms. Abigail is seeing phantoms, Mr. Chad is in a perpetual rage, and the awful Gabi keeps walking in like she still owns the place.

Henderson: This sounds awful. You must be so disappointed. I'll bet you expected blessed peace after Stefano disappeared.

Harold: Not really. Around the DiMansion, it's always a case of waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Henderson: It's like that here too. What will happen if Mr Victor comes home and loud-mouthed Ms. Sarah starts ripping into him and Mr. Xander? What if the Kristen-less Mr. Brady comes back and starts doing the same thing? And of course, Mr. Victor will start yelling right back. Things could get so loud that it will scare the mansion mice out into the garden.

Harold: Yes, working at our mansions is like living on the edge of a volcano. I hear that Roman is offering a Wanchai Ferry special at the Pub. Let's go chow down on faux Chinese food and forget about what could happen tomorrow, next week, or next month.
 
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Henderson: My fears have come true. Mr. Victor is scheduled to return, which can only spell trouble. And he dumped Mr. Xander in favor of Mr. Brady as CEO. This is also very bad. An angry, aggrieved Mr. Xander is a very bad thing to have around. Finally, I don't trust Mr. Brady. There's something very fishy about the way he talks about Titan. It's almost as if he wants to ruin the company.

Harold: I feel your pain, but I'm in hog heaven over here at the DiMansion. Abigail and Chad have fled to some Florida sanitarium, and Ms. Gabi is locked up in the Salem jail, meaning that she can only annoy the guards and prisoners -- not me! The only downer is that Mr. Jack and Ms. Jenny have moved in to take care of the kids. Hopefully Jenny, who's addicted to confrontations, won't be getting in cook's face about the quality of the meals.

Henderson: I don't think you need to worry about Jenny and food. Salemites don't eat much. Have you ever noticed that almost nobody at the Pub, etc. even touches their food? Besides, based on what I hear about Jenny, she'll be too busy buying more sleeveless dresses for summer and worrying about Ms. Abigail's progress at the Florida funny farm..

Harold: I hope you're right. Whoops, gotta go. I think that the kids have gotten into Mr. Stefano's secret tunnels again.

Henderson: Me too. I just heard the whole breakfast buffet hit the floor. Either Mr. Xander is taking out his frustrations on the food or Mr. Brady threw a fit at Mr. Victor and dumped the buffet on the floor to emphasize his point.
 
Harold: That crude Jake Lambert was here today having dragged the awful Gabi home from the exploding wedding, and he had the nerve to badmouth me! I certainly hope he doesn't end up living here like half of Salem has over the years.

Henderson: I feel your pain, but I've suffered too. Having that grifter Leo Stark here was unbearable. If he had called me "Hendy" one more time, I'd have borrowed one of Mr. Victor's guns and put him out of his misery. I wish Mr. Sonny wasn't so susceptible to blackmail.

Harold: I'd had shot Leo on sight. However, all is not lost here. Now that Jake turned out not be be Mr. Stefan, Ms. Gabi has calmed down considerably. And not having Ms. Abigail and her hallucinations and bizarre Ben Weston fixation around means blessed peace.

Henderson: One plus here is that Ms. Sarah has largely quit ripping into Mr. Xander and Mr. Victor about the big babyswitch, but Sonny and Will babbling about adopting Ms. Allie Horton's child is getting tiresome. It may sound mean, but I hope that Mr. Rafe gets the child. If it comes here, it's almost certain to get a dangerous disease or be kidnapped, which would mean more unwelcome drama.

Harold: Yes, our mansion lives certainly do have their ups and downs. How about heading over to the Pub happy hour for some drinks and garbage-can nachos while everyone is preoccupied with the aftermath of the church explosion. With all that fuss, the only other customer is likely to be the queen of happy hour, Anne Milbauer who can be a real hoot.
 
Harold to Henderson: "I saw Mick Jagger again today!!! I almost got the courage to ask for his autograph!"

Henderson to Harold: "You idiot, that's Kate Roberts. I know she dresses like the man, but come on! She has boobs. She is NOT Mick Jagger, this is the last time I'm reminding you of this. Now go disinfect that couch again, I'm sure it's crawling with germs."
 
Harold: I'm about at the end of my patience. That awful Ms. Gwen has had the nerve to criticize me, spends half her time drinking Mr. Stefano's fine wines, and wanders the mansion inappropriately dressed. I'm almost getting nostalgic for the days when I had to regularly sanitize the living room couch after yet another encounter between Mr. EJ and the horrid Sami.

Henderson: You have my sympathy. I remember how bad it was here when I had to deal with that unspeakable grifter, Leo Stark, and that hideous Kristen.

Harold: I'll bet Leo Stark and creepy Kristen weren't as annoying as Ms. Gabi. She's loud, rude, unethical, and dresses like a hooker. And then there are her ludicrous ambitions to take over as CEO of DiMera Enterprises. If that ever happens, the company will be toast, and the mansion will be sold, torn down, and replaced with a luxury condo complex.

Henderson: Losing the DiMera mansion would be a real loss. Our local mansions lend this otherwise low-class town a touch of class. As for the Kiriakis family company, I fear for its future. Mr. Victor isn't getting any younger, Mr. Brady has shown himself to be an utter moron, Mr. Sonny is the personification of the idle rich, Mr. Xander is besotted with Sarah, and Mr. Philip seems to have vanished into the depths of Chicago.

Harold: Let's face it, dwelling on the future in Salem is a no-win thing. There's always some disaster (or coma) lurking around the corner. Let's go visit that other bright spot on the city map, the Brady Pub, for some cold ones and garbage-can nachos.
 
Harold: Great news -- the awful Ms. Gabi has gone off to Mexico. Now if only that grifter Ms. Gwen would clear out, blessed peace will finally descend on the mansion.

Henderson: We're losing Mr. Will and Mr. Sonny here, but unfortunately the obnoxious Mr. Philip has returned from his Chicago exile.

Harold: How did that happen? It was common knowledge that he hated Salem, despised Mr. Victor, and was fed-up with all things Titan.

Henderson: Why ask why? Maybe he was unemployed. Whatever the reason, his return is not good news. Mr. Victor has made him co-CEO of Titan with Mr. Xander, which means that the company's leadership is now a two-headed monster, with each head trying to kill the other.

Harold: That makes no sense. Is Mr. Victor losing it?

Henderson: It was Mr, Philip's emotional blackmail -- "I'm your son but I'll leave unless you make me CEO." Now we'll have Mr. Xander glowering, Ms. Sarah squawking in his support, Mr. Victor growling, and Mr. Philip dishing out snark. Woe is us.

Harold: I feel you pain, Our only problem now is cook moaning that Mr. Jake isn't interested in gourmet meals. All he wants is burgers, fries, and BBQ.

Henderson: Burgers? Now there's an idea. Let's head over to the Pub where we can dine on Brady Burgers and listen to Roman tell tales of how Sami's kids literally grew up at the Pub.
 
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Harold: That awful Ms. Gwen is becoming intolerable. She makes a mess and then assumes that it's my job to clean up after her slovenly self. It's one thing to clean up or pick up after real DiMeras, but the pretensions of this common tramp are unbearable.

Henderson: Don't you just hate these thoughtless people? Mr. Philip is back and is his same old unbearable self. He thinks that because he's Victor's son, he's the king of the heap.

Harold: Philip is lucky that Victor didn't have the same small army of surprise children that were sired by Stefano. He's had so many of them that it's no big deal to be a son of the Phoenix.

Henderson: True, but stray Kiriakises keep popping up. Mr. Deimos emerged from a Greek prison, Mr. Xander washed in after a career in diamond-smuggling and other dirty dealing, and Ms. Ciara popped up after spending a lifetime in the Brady social circle. And let's not forget the in-laws and other relations like loud-mouthed Ms. Sarah, the hideous Ms. Kristen (thank God that she's in jail), and the hapless Mr. Nick.

Harold: And now we have such unlikely guests as sleeveless Ms. Jenny, former amnesiac Mr. Jack, scheming Kate Roberts, and Sami Brady ex Lucas Horton. Sometimes this place seems more like a hotel than a family home.

Henderson: Yes, our mansions can sometimes seem like the Salem bus station. Let's get away from these low-class, unwanted residents, and have lunch at the Town Square. With any luck, we'll overhear conversations dealing with scandalous dirt.
 
Harold: I just can't catch a break. Now Mr. Chad has foolishly hired that awful Gwen to be the children's nanny. What is he thinking? He'd be better off hiring Orpheus or Clyde Weston.

Henderson: Things aren't that good either. Mr. Philip has now moved in and he and Mr. Xander are always at each other. Then there's Mr. Victor grousing about one thing or another. Sometimes, I think that I should invest in earplugs.

Harold: That's a thought. The constant arguments between Mr. Jack and that horrid Gwen are unbearable. If only Mr. Stefano were still here. He'd either toss them both into the street or lock them up in the tunnels.

Henderson: I wish we had some place to stash Ms. Sarah. It's bad enough to have to listen to the Philip-Xander follies, but then she weighs in with her two cents too. I wish she'd go back to her ex, Dr. Rex.

Harold: I wish that Kate Roberts would go somewhere. I still can't figure out why she's even here.

Henderson: I feel your pain. I feared that the monstrous Kristen might move in here with foolish Mr. Brady, but now it looks as if she might go to the slammer after all. Thank God for Melinda Trask.

Harold: Let's go down to the Pub and raise a toast to Melinda and a Kristen-free Salem. May she never return to either of our mansions.
 
Harold: Things here are going from bad to worse. After years here at the mansion, I can sense a plot in the works and I strongly suspect that the awful Gwen (she doesn't rate being called "Ms. Gwen") is up to something.

Henderson: Don't these idiots ever learn. Plots in Salem always blow up in the schemer's face. Speaking of idiots, I have a strong feeling that Mr. Philip is up to something. He always was a weasel, and now he seems weaselier than ever.

Harold: Mr. Philip may be a weasel, but Ms. Kate is a regular wolverine. Anyone who messes with her is sure to be torn to shreds. Sneaky Gwen should keep that in mind.

Henderson: Coincidentally, I overheard Mr. Victor express the hope that the prison inmates will tear Ms. Kristen apart. His mood is so much better now that the homicidal monster is headed for the Big House and won't be around his foolish, gullible grandson, Mr. Brady.

Harold: Speaking of the gullible, Mr. Chad never seems to be on top of his game. All sorts of nastiness swirls around him and he barely seems to have a clue. It's too bad that Mr. Stefano didn't live long enough to give him proper DiMera training.

Henderson: Yes, it's often amazing how clueless rich people in Salem can be. That said, let's head over to Martha's Muffins for a nice snack. I wouldn't say it to Ms. Maggie, but I'm weary of her home-baked cookies and too-sweet lemon bars.
 
Harold: Can you imagine that the vulgar, common, trashy Gwen creature actually expected me to answer the phone?

Henderson: What world does she live in -- Downton Abbey? Answering the phone or even locking the front door are simply not part of our job descriptions. After all, we have our dignity to uphold

Harold: And she also acts as if Ms. Abigail and Mr. Chad are her good friends. Doesn't she know that staff is staff and employers are employers?

Henderson: And making friends with the residents can be dangerous. If I got chummy with Mr. Xander, Mr. Philip would hate me, and vice-versa. And God help me if I ever accidentally got on the wrong side of loud-mouthed Ms. Sarah.

Harold: Amen, sticking too close to them can be downright dangerous. Suppose I'd been too close when Mr. Stefano was shot to death. I shudder to think about the consequences.

Henderson: And I don't get too close to Mr. Victor in case somebody else tries to stick a knife in him. Serve the tea and lemon bars and be gone -- that's my motto.

Harold: Very true. Remember what happened to Mr. Bart when he got in the middle of the Tony-Andre swordfight.

Henderson: Ouch! Enough with the scare talk. Let's head over to the Pub for some tasty Wanchai Ferry and cold beers. It's relatively safe there. Nobody has been killed at the Pub since Mr. Bo gunned down crime boss, Martino Vitali
 
Harold: Big changes here. The family pitched that awful Gwen into the street, which is wonderful, but unfortunately Ms. Abigail gave Mr. Chad his walking papers because of his dalliance with Gwen.

Henderson: Nobody's been kicked out here, but Mr. Philip is now the family black sheep because of his money-laundering scheme with the awful Vitalis.

Harold: Is Mr. Victor very angry with him?

Henderson: It's hard to tell. Mr. Victor is always grousing about one thing or another. These days, even lemon bars can't make him crack a smile.

Harold: Well, in my place, Mr. Jake has a big smile on his face. Ms. Kate is satisfying his physical needs and the Shins have fed his ego by making his unqualified self DiMera CEO.

Henderson: Over here, Mr. Xander has been trying out his best glowers when discussing Philip's mistakes, and if Mr. Victor doesn't fire him as co-CEO, there's no chance for a smile from Xander in the immediate future.

Harold: Isn't anyone happy?

Henderson: Yes. Ms. Sarah is grinning from ear to ear over her success in outing Philip's scheme. Every chance she gets, she calls herself a modern-day Nancy Drew.

Harold: Good grief. Let's forget the foibles of our bosses and head over to the Pub. We might be just in time for the big apology party that Roman is reportedly planning for the much-abused Tripp Dalton.
 
Henderson: More changes here that are decidedly not to my liking. Mr. Xander quit Titan in a huff so now he's around the mansion most of the time. Since Ms. Sarah rarely goes to work, this means that they have plenty of time to indulge their apparently insatiable carnal appetites. As a result there are lots of wet towels to be picked up and soiled bedding to be changed.

Harold: Yuck, this reminds me of the times that I had to sanitize the DiMera love couch after yet another tacky encounter between Mr. EJ and Ms. Samantha.

Henderson: Barf. But wait, it gets worse here at the K-mansion. Because Mr. Philip so felt badly about all his business mistakes, we constantly had to pick up handkerchiefs from the floor of his room that were wet with his tears.

Harold: There were no tears here. Mr. Chad's abject begging for Ms. Abigail to take him back did not include any weeping. And any teary lamentations over the death of the awful Ms. Laura was over at the Deveraux home, not here, thank goodness.

Henderson: At least you don't have the horrid Ms. Gwen in your mansion anymore. Here, I live in dread of Mr. Brady moving back in and bringing that creepy jailbird, Ms. Kristen, with him.

Harold: Perish the thought. We've had Ms. Kristen here at the DiMansion and believe me it's no picnic. In any case. let's not worry about the next unwelcome resident who could barge into our mansions. Instead, let's head for the Pub. I hear that Roman is offering a Wanchai Ferry special today.
 
Harold: OMG, OMG. I just saw the most awful sight in the Town Square. I just saw some twenty-somethings swilling one of the finest champagne vintages as if it was one of those abominable wines from the '70s, Pagan Pink Gallo Ripple or Annie Green Springs.

Henderson: That's awful. Our French-trained chef here at the K-mansion would feel your pain. He can prepare the finest French cuisine, but all Mr. Philip and Mr. Xander want is cheeseburgers and fries.

Harold: That sounds like Mr. Jake. Instead of dining gourmet, all he wants is foods featuring his favorite food groups, grease and salt. I was hoping that Ms. Kate would elevate his tastes, but not so far. With him, it's the greasier, the better.

Henderson: Well, what can we expect in a town whose leading eatery specializes in thawed-out Wanchai Ferry and garbage can nachos.

Harold: But the Pub does still serve a mean bowl of clam chowder. Let's head over there and enjoy some. If we leave now, we can get the early bird special.
 
Baby Henry's teddy bear, now known as Patchy Bear, has joined the Harold-Henderson gripeathon.
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Patchy Bear: Woe is me. Listening to Baby Henry cry was bad enough, but now that his screechy Granny is in town, things are unbearable.

Harold: Speaking of the unbearable, all Ms. Abigail does these days is howl about how Ms. Gwen supposed murdered her beloved Granny.

Henderson: That woman? I've heard about her. By all reports, she was unbearable.

Patchy Bear: So is Allie whining about how she's wasting her youth caring for a baby and ranting against poor, dead Charlie.

Harold: Speaking of rants, Ms. Kate does little but rant about that little sneak, Ms. Gabi, for having her eye on Mr. Jake.

Henderson: And Mr. Xander is doing his share of ranting about Ms. Sarah and that dopey dullard Dr. Rexy -- especially when he's had one too many, which is now most of the time.

Patchy Bear: You ought to hear Nicole go off on Eric for leaving his family to go to Africa. When she gets really mad, she even calls him the Fallen Father Eric.

Henderson: Let's face it, people in Salem often do little but complain. Mr. Victor gets labeled a grouch, but he does have a lot of company.

Harold: Let's forget the whiners, gripers, and squawkers and head over to the Pub. I hear Roman is giving a discount to anyone who brings along a teddy bear.
 
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Harold: Big news! The awful Ms. Gwen has reenacted Faye Walker's famous plunge down the mansion staircase!

Henderson: Did you have the cops around or did you have to do any cleaning-up?

Harold: No, unlike Faye, Ms. Gwen survived, which meant that we didn't have to deal with the ridiculous Salem P.D. And luckily no bodily fluids were spilled unlike all those times when I had to sanitize the living-room sofa after yet another sordid encounter between Mr. EJ and the Salem screecher.

Henderson: Fluids are being spilled her at the K-mansion too, but they are of the alcoholic variety. Mr. Xander often spills his drinks when he gets sloshed, which is now pretty much all of the time.

Harold: I'd rather clean up a few spilled drinks than have to listen to the wretched, repetitive shouting between Ms. Abigail and Ms. Gwen, and Mr. Jake and Ms. Gabi.

Henderson: It's just the reverse here. Loud-mouthed Ms. Sarah is gone, Mr. Xander gets drunk in stolid silence, and with Ms. Maggie away, Mr. Victor has lost his prime audience for his grouchy outbursts. And if I keep him well stuffed with lemon bars, he just sits in his chair checking the stock market.

Harold: A quiet mansion. That sounds great.

Henderson: Yes, but it can get dull. Let's go have lunch in the Town Square. Maybe we'll hear Salem's newest loudmouth, Paulina Price, in action; Sami Brady squawking at poor Mr. Lucas; or that horrid eccentric, Susan Banks, complaining that somebody is mean, mean, mean.
 
Harold: OMG, my nightmare scenario has come true -- Mr. EJ and Ms. Samantha are back. This means that I'll probably be back to the awful job of sanitizing the couch after one of their love/hate trysts. However, if she shoots him again, I'm going to insist that Mr. Chad hire a professional service to clean up the mess.

Henderson: EJ is back? I'd better warn Mr. Victor. There's no telling when this lowlife might set his sights on Titan.

Harold: You're right, he's capable of anything. He's already bossing Ms. Samantha around and seems to be angling to take Mr. Jake's CEO job away from him.

Henderson: Yes, Salem's own King Tut is diabolical. I remember the time he talked Mr. Philip into helping him bug Bo Brady's house. If poor Mr. Philip had been caught, Bo Brady would have smacked him around with his own wooden leg.

Harold: And Mr. EJ can really lay on the charm. Remember when he fooled the voters into electing him mayor. What a farce.

Henderson: And he was so bad at the job that the governor came to town to kick him out office.

Harold: I'd forgotten how much fun it is too dump on Mr. EJ. Let's head over to the Pub for some cold ones. I'm sure Mr. Roman would love to join in a good, old-fashioned make-fun-of-EJ session.
 
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