Ask Sami! An Advice Column by Sami Brady

Dear Sami,

We are a beautiful, stylish, and expensive wardrobe yet we continue to sit in the closet while our beautiful Owner seems to prance around town every month dedicating her attire to a different decade. This past month was the 1970s with a shout out to a 1990s pinkish mauve suit. I don't even know where she gets these items from to be honest as they are never in the closet with us.

How do we get noticed?

Signed,
Horton Closet

Dear Horton Closet,

If your Owner can't appreciate you, I'm sure my cousins Ciara or Jeannie Theresa would be more than happy to give you some attention.

Hugs,
Sami
 
Hey Slimy Sami,

You're all alone out there. Your so-called ally, the blue-chunked witch, will stick a knife in your back the first chance she gets! And if the Friends of Abigail don't get you first, Stefano DiMera will! Before this is all over, you'll wish you'd gone into the river with Nick Fallon! Be afraid, be very afraid. P.S., everyone knows that you're so ignorant that you can't tell a Picasso from a Rembrandt.

Angry Salemite

Reply from Sami:

You stoopid doody-head! I HATE you! Wait, how did you know about Nick Fallon and the river? Is that you, Will? Sonny? EJ? Percy? P.S., everyone knows that Picasso painted the Mona Lisa, so there.

Vengefully,

Sami
 
Dear Sami,

My older half sister, who is a witchy trouble maker, is sort of blackmailing me into doing something I don't want to do. How do I get out of this??

Signed, Terri

Dear Terri,

Little Jeannie is this you?? I feel your pain; I hate my older half sister, too. You need to get more dirt on her than she has on you. C'mon girl, be resourceful. Haven't you paid attention to the family stories?? Don't you know about the stuff I've done to MY older sister, your stoopid cousin Carrie?? Think girl... there must be something you can use against her. I'm almost ashamed to call you my cousin. If you want to step into my stilettos, you need to kick it up a notch. At this point, you're on Eric's level. Even Ciara is tougher than you.

Good luck with the blackmail stuff and let me know if you need help digging up dirt on that old hooker sister of yours.

Cheers! Sami
 
Listen up Sami Brady,

People have heard about the games that you're playing with funding for University Hospital's children's wing and don't like it one bit. Even Stefano DiMera wouldn't do that. Speaking of the DiMeras, I've always thought that they were a plague on Salem, but now myself and many others are rooting for them against you. You'd better wise up before you can't show your face anywhere in town, even your grandmother's pub.

Angry Salemite

You listen "Angry" or whatever your real name is,

Get this -- EJ CHEATED on me, ME!! That justifies ANYTHING that I do to get back at him and his harlot! P.S., I HATE you and anyone else too stoopid to understand that.

Sami
 
Dear Samantha,

My daughter-in-law has treacherously stolen the company that my sainted father and I worked all our lives to build up. Like you, I greatly enjoy revenge and I was hoping that you'd have some good suggestions.

Phoenix

Dear Phoenix,

First, tell everybody she's a harlot -- photos would help.... Wait! I know who your are!!! OMG! OMG! Kate, EJ help!!

Reply from "Phoenix": :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
 
Dear Sami,

For a new iPad, iPad mini, iPod, Apple watch, another $4,000 worth of earrings and the deed to a penthouse overlooking Horton Town Square, I can fix all of your problems with "the old coot". Trust me, I know tricks he's never even thought of.

Sincerely, Pixie Princess

Dear Princess,

I'm on my way to the bank now; meet me in Horton Town Square at noon. I need all the help I can get.

Sami
 
Time to dust off Sami's advice column from 5 years ago.

Dear Sami:

I need your advice. It took me forever, but I finally pried my boyfriend away from my stoopid aunt, umm, I mean friend. He's all mine while she's out chasing a serial killer. But now my boyfriend seems to have the hots for some girl who is in the country illegally and he's letting her stay in our apartment. I figured I'd fix her sweet patootie but good and I tipped off someone so they'd call ICE and have her deported. I was home free, but now he's telling me he wants to marry her to keep her here in Salem. What else can I do to eliminate this girl? And for some context, when I wanted to keep my "friend" away from my boyfriend before, I set fire to a cabin she was sleeping in. Shhhh, our secret, ok?

Signed, Songbird

**********************************************************

Dear Songbird,

Wow, you tipped off ICE to have the girl deported??? And you tried to set fire to your friend? Even I never went that far. Respect, girl!

The first thing you should do is get pregnant to this guy. And if he won't step up to the plate, find someone else, then tell him it's his baby. Just make sure to change the baby's DNA in the hospital computer. Really easy, anyone can do it, even my 80 year old grandma!

I'd say expose their fake marriage, but you run the risk having your man put in jail, too. You really only want her to be jailed or deported. So I'd stick with the pregnancy plan. Even a guy who doesn't really love you will marry you for the sake of the baby. Ask my stoopid sister's husband, Austin. Let this girl go find some other chump to take her to the altar. Maybe John Black's sleazy new son will do it for the right price.

Good luck and get hopping on the baby-making!

Best, Sami
 
Dear Sami,

I'm so glad that you are doing your advice column again. You're just the person who can help me. My problem is that all my underhanded schemes to further my career and love life have failed dismally. Most recently, I cleverly arranged to get some hussy deported because I feared that my boyfriend liked her. Unfortunately, instead of this getting rid of her, it's caused my foolish love interest to play her knight in shining armor by marrying her! Arrggh! I'm so frustrated. How can I up my game?

CB

Dear CB,

Sorry kid, but great schemers are born, not made. If you've had no successes so far, it's a sure sign that you just don't have it. My advice is to give up the scheming, backstabbing game now before you turn into an embittered, failed plotter like that horrid hag Kate. From her awful blue chunk to her tacky, bargain shoes, she's a walking example of a life lived badly.

Cheers,
The All-Knowing Sami
 
Dear Sami,

I'm not comfortable writing to Ruffles McRed so I've turned to you for advice. I've just lost my true love to his magically-returned dream girl. Yes, he generally looked as if he'd been sucking on lemons, always had one problem or another, and held a low-paying job, but I was inexplicably drawn to him. Now, I seem to be stuck with my cheating, doctor fiance. Please help.

SH

Dear SH,

You remind me of that stoopid loudmouth Sarah Horton who foolishly fell in love with the truly awful Bad Twin, who then dumped her in a Salem second after his trampy true love, Nicole Walker, rose from the dead. Women like you need to wise up. Unlike my mummy-like smoochy-moochy, EJ, there are a lot of guys, like the very Bad Twin, who aren't worth the time of day. Since EJ, my Rafe, and my Lucas are off-limits to other women, I suggest you stick with Dr. Cheat. After you marry him, hire a private detective (not John Black) to watch his every move. The moment he inevitably returns to his philandering ways, get a good lawyer (not Justin Kiriakis) and take him for every cent that he has.

Enjoy those big future alimony payments,
Sami
 
Dear Sami,

I wrote to Ruffles McRed after my boyfriend dumped me for no good reason and all she had for me was platitudes. Unlike stodgy old Ruffles, you are a true woman of the world. Do you have some advice for me?

YouTube Star

Dear YouTube,

Advice, do I ever. Does your ex-boyfriend have a favorite race car or other beloved object? If so, you could sell it or give it away. If he gets drunk, you could shoot him in the head. That'll teach him. Other possibilities are high-volume screeching, setting him on fire, threats, and blackmail. In other words, the sky's the limit when it comes to getting revenge on stoopid men. And the rougher you are on them, the more likely it is that they will come running back to you, the way my smoochy-moochy, EJ, came panting after me once I'd given him the full Sami treatment.

Good luck,
Sami
 
Dear Sami,

I'd consult with Ruffles McRed, but she's too close to my situation to give an unbiased answer. Recently, I smooched a woman with rubber mask lips and never noticed. When we hit the sheets, I failed to notice that she wasn't the correct height and weight of the woman I that I thought she was. I also failed to notice that she had a huge pile of her own hair under a wig. I feel like a fool. How could I have made such a mistake?

CEO B.B.

Dear CEO,

Your problem is like most stoopid Salem men, you'd mate with a tree. Salem men in heat never notice anything. My advice is to try to emulate my darling smoochy-moochy, EJ, who overcame his raging lusty urges and is now a faithful partner. Work on it, it's eventually possible.

Wisely,
Sami

P.S., Tell Kate for me that she's a total hag.
 
Dear Sami,

Just because I forced a woman to dump her fiancé at the altar, tried to kill the town busybody, and then wouldn't help save a baby's life unless I got a get-out-of-jail-free card everyone hates me. This is so unfair. Any suggestions that would help my situation?

Scheming G.

Dear Scheming,

You need to develop a thicker skin. Who cares if everyone in stoopid Salem hates you? Heck, I tried every underhanded scheme in the book: messed with relationships, shot my future smoochy-moochy while he was in a drunken stupor, planned to sell my worthless baby sister, and bad-mouthed my stoopid bad-twin brother Eric and life-ruiner John Black at every opportunity. Naturally, everyone despised me for it, especially that blue-chunked hag, Kate Roberts. However, I kept plugging away, indifferent to the cruel thoughts of others, and finally achieved ultimate success. My advice is to stay in the game, ignore the blithering idiots, and someday you just might have the last laugh.

Sami
 
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