"Dear Ruffles McRed"....an advice column by Maggie

Dear Ruffles McRed,

My daughter's mother killed a man and is going to prison. I'm afraid my daughter will have problems growing up without her mother. My husband and I (and the rest of our family) have promised to always talk about her mother with her, show her pictures of her mom and take her to visit her mother as often as possible.

Do you think my little girl will grow up with problems because her mother isn't around to raise her?

Scared of the future, My2Dads

Dear My2Dads,

Two words for you, dear: Samantha Brady.

That girl grew up without her mother most of her life and you see how that worked out.

Hoping for the best for your little girl,

Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles DoubleMcDoodyHead,

What do you know about my life??!! And don't talk about my mother!! Do think you can say anything you want because you're married to that old coot and has-been, Victor Kiriakis? Did the time you spent in Vivian Alamain's special sarcophagus affect your mind? Well, take it from me that my darling smoochy-moochy and his dear old daddy have ways of teaching people to respect their social betters, if you catch my meaning. So take a bit of advice and never mention my name again in your stupid column. P.S. all my perfect children HATE you too.

Furiously,

Sami Brady

[note to the readers: the marvelous Ruffles McRed will not respond to this ugly missive until she consults with her kindly, wonderful, husband.]
 
And seriously, in the future, try keeping your romantic gestures to lovely dinners or perhaps smart gifts, like an iPod or a nice shirt from an upscale boutique. No need to confess to murdering someone, after all, this IS Salem. We do have a reputation to uphold. Salemties would rather sell out their own mother for a pack of gum before they'd confess to murdering someone!
Click to expand...

P.S. Dear Sonny-Boy
sonny and the awful shirt.png
Make sure your husband does his shopping in a location other than wherever this hideous shirt was purchased. Consider anyone who gifts you a shirt like this to be your enemy.

Fashionably, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

If my child were to grow up without her father, do you think she'd turn out OK?

Just curious.

Signed, A Salemite

Dear Salemite:

I have 4 words for you: Samantha Brady..... Theresa Donovan.

You see how well it worked out for these gals, growing up with absentee dads.

Enough said.

Cheers, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Hey, Ruffles McDoodyhead,

Since you just won't stop defaming me, I've spoken to my brilliant smoochy-moochy, and he says the best way to shut you up is to hit you where you live. He's arranged for me to have my own advice column, Ask Sami!!, which will put your awful effort onto the Salem scrap heap. Just to let you know what your sorry self is up against, here's my very first letter.

Nuts to you,

Sami Brady

Dear Sami,

There's this elderly red-haired lady who goes around town constantly butting into other people's business and always giving them really, really bad advice! What should we do?

Perplexed Salemite

Dear Perplexed,

It's obvious. It's time to put the poor old dear into a home.

Love and Kisses,

Sami

[note to the readers: Ruffles McRed is studiously ignoring this tripe.]
 
Just Samantha said:
Dear Salemite:
I have 4 words for you: Samantha Brady..... Theresa Donovan.
You see how well it worked out for these gals, growing up with absentee dads.
Enough said.
Cheers, Ruffles McRed
Click to expand...
Hey, Ruffles,

In case you haven't noticed, I'm not doing half-bad lately. I ducked jail time in LA, have evaded efforts by my enemies to do me in, survived an overdose, made my dumb hospital job fun by tormenting little Jenny, and now I'm hooking up with the hottest, richest hunk in town. P.S. have you seen my pricey handbag?

Smugly,

Theresa Donovan

Dear Theresa,

You poor dear, you just don't get it. Listen to the advice of your loving family and you may straighten out yet.

Knowingly,

Ruffles McRed

Dear Theresa,

You go girl! Just keep it up and you may grow up to be me! (Unfortunately, there's only one handsome smoochy-moochy, so Brady or some other rich guy like him will have to suffice.)

Best wishes,

Sami!
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

My two big cousins are all that and a bag of chips. They are pretty, have loads of boys willing to do anything for them and buy them expensive gifts. I want to grow up and be just like them so boys will do anything for me and buy me expensive baubles. My one cousin "Gene" used her boyfriend's gold card to buy me $4,000 worth of earrings, but my doody-head mommy made me give them to charity. My other cousin, "Jeannie" got her boyfriend to buy her a purse that cost lots of money.

Can you tell me how to grow up and be just like them??

Signed, Buttons and Bows

Dear Buttons,

Honey, I think you are too little to worry about growing up to have boys buy you expensive baubles or do anything for you. Shouldn't you be playing with dolls and baking cookies with your mommy?

Kindly, Ruffles McRed

Reply from Buttons and Bows,

That's it, Red, you're on my list....and you should be very, very afraid. I have more power with my little pout than you can ever imagine. So watch your back, Ruffles!
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I want to know why my ex husband would turn off his phone while with his new girlfriend. He never did that with me.

Signed, Always About Me

Dear Always,

Maybe he didn't need the distraction from constant blabbering.

Shut Up,

Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I'm just horrified by the new Ask Sami! advice column. Anyone who follows her so-called advice is on the road to perdition. She even had the nerve to dredge up your long-ago divorce from the wonderful Mickey. The woman has no shame. Salemites in need of advice should shun her and seek your wise counsel. P.S., is that handsome Rafe Hernandez still available? What a guy! He's so good at finding lost cats!

Ex-Salemite in Zurich

Dear Ex,

Sadly, even Ruffles McRed has known her share of heartache, but its those experiences that helped me gain the wisdom that I'm privileged to pass along to troubled souls. We'll all just ignore Ask Sami! and trust that it will go away soon. As for Rafe, he's currently involved with a young woman who seems to have gaps in her resume, but we're confident that Salem's leading detective knows all about her past. That said, if he becomes available again, I'll notify you immediately. I'm always eager to promote true love like that shared by my perfect egg-baby and Jennifer Deveraux.

Wisely,

Ruffles McRed
 
Dear McDoody-Head,

OK, even though I have my own advice column and I'm a million times better at this than you, I need someone else's opinion.

I found out my darling smoochy-moochy had sex with the almost eternal virgin of Salem. Oh, they act all coy and sweet around me, but I have a picture of their filthy betrayal.

Right now, I'm scheming to ruin both of their lives. I'm really laying it on thick with those two. They have no clue that I'm on to their cabin coochey-coo. I've convinced the virginal harlot to be my maid-of-honor and wedding planner (good one, huh?!)

I'm in cahoots with my ex-mother-in-law, who is a real witch (seriously, I think she rides a broomstick). No one will ever think we're working together since we keep up the catfights when everyone's around, especially my darling smoochy-moochy and Little Miss Not So Pure.

So, here's my question, what's the best way to maximize the humiliation upon my smoochy-moochy and the little hussy who dared to take a bite of that British scone?

Signed....Bridezilla

Dear Bridezilla,

Oh my, you're in quite the pickle, there, aren't you, my dear?

Well, first off, this not so virginal young lady sounds like a real trollop. I'm so glad my family doesn't have such loose women throwing around their lucky charms.

Secondly, why don't you just call off the wedding and find a nice new man to get involved with? Someone as perfect as my egg-baby, Dr. Daniel Jonas?

Revenge and humiliation are quite unbecoming to a young woman and you'd be better off just forgetting all of this and moving on. Revenge at weddings always leaves an ugly aftertaste, like a certain woman's chowder. Look at poor Father Eric. Be glad you're not in that family.

Just walk away from all of this and you'll be much happier in life.

Cheerfully, Ruffles McRed

Reply from Bridezilla,

I knew this was a waste of time, you stoopid twit! I HATE YOU!! Just for that, I might hook up with your perfect egg-baby son, just to make you angry! Ugh...
 
Hey, Ruffles McDoody-Head,

How do you like knowing your precious little flower of a niece is a dirty harlot?? You heard me.... D-I-R-T-Y H-A-R-L-O-T!!

And I don't care how many Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles she knows about or the pictures they painted, she'll still be a dirty girl.

What do you have to say about that, Ruffles, huh??

Signed,

The one and only Mrs. Elvis DiMera

Reply from Ruffles McRed,

Dear Sami,

You're calling my niece a dirty harlot?? That's rich!

They say if you lie down with dogs, you're bound to get fleas. Hope you got a flea collar as wedding gift.

Sternly, Ruffles McRed
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top