Salem Spectator Society Page

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HORTON CABIN RACCOONS HONORED
The Salem Improvement Society has presented its "Salem Achievement of the Year" award to the Horton Cabin Raccoon Team. According to Society president Ms. Giselle van Hopper, the raccoons earned this coveted award for opening a walk-in medical clinic in the Horton cabin on Smith Island. The dedicated raccoons have spent the last four months taking University Hospital Medical School's quickie M.D. course of study and now qualify for the esteemed title of "Doctor." According to the raccoons, their clinic can handle severe poison ivy rashes, gunshot wounds, emergency appendectomies, and obstetrical services for kidnapping victims. Ms. van Hopper praised the raccoons, stating that their actions were particularly selfless, considering that "their domestic tranquility had been repeatedly disturbed by Salem riff-raff who used their home as a hideout or trysting place." Runners-up for the award reportedly include Ms. Jeannie Theresa Donovan for giving up her lowlife ways to become a respectable businesswoman and Mr. Steven "Patch" Johnson who went from being an absentee, deadbeat father to the heroic rescuer of the long-lost Mr. Beauregard A. Brady.
 
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SALEM DYSFUNCTIONAL MOTHERS CLUB
The Horton Center is proud to announce the very first meeting of the Salem Dysfunctional Mothers Club. This is the perfect way for modern Salem moms to bond over perilous births and/or kidnapped babies while making new friends at the same time. The following types of moms are welcome:
  • Have given birth in a cabin/deserted warehouse/foreign castle
  • Baby has been kidnapped at least once before the age of 6 months
  • Have given birth to first child before age 25
  • Baby has had a life threatening illness of some sort
  • Baby's paternity has been unclear at some point before or after birth
  • Baby's paternity test results have been altered
  • Have given birth to twins with different fathers
  • Have committed or been accused of committing a felony
  • Have been married or betrothed to someone who has committed a felony
  • Your name is not Samantha Brady
If this sounds like you, please join us for our next meeting!
 
Reply from Sami: Hey, doodyhead dysfunctionals, SHUT UP. Who cares if I'm not invited to be in your stoopid group. I'm Salem's best mother and have no interest in batting the breeze with a collection of losers!! Gotta go. I've got a lot of newly-obtained money to spend, and am on a quest to find my darling, changed smoochy-moochy who's ALIVE!! P.S., tell that life-ruiner John Black that nobody cares if he learns about his worthless, stoopid, doodyheaded past.
 
PPS: I can head up your stoopid group if I wanted to! I've done all those things, and more. That's what makes me Salem's best mother, to my 9 wonderful children, Tom, Virl, Alan, Wayne, Merrill, Jay, Donny, Marie and Jimmy.

Reply from the editors: Ms. Brady, for your information, those are not your children. Those are the Osmonds.

Reply from Sami: SHUT UP! They are not. How stoopid do you think I am?? I know the Osmonds are Ozzy, Sharon, Jack and Kelly. Duhhh.........
 
Name That Dimera

Salem University is proud to announce the annual Name That Dimera lecture/game show will be returning this winter semester. Think you know the members of this infamous crime family and their various felonies and misdemeanors, think again. Bring the kids, bring the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousin and various surrogate family members it's educational fun for everyone. Topics of interest will include -
  • From Bart to Petrov - Dimera henchmen (and henchwomen) through the years
  • The many deaths (and resurrections) of Stefano Dimera.
  • Tropical Terrors - Dimera owned isles of doom.
  • I was a Teenage Dimera with Cassie & Rex Brady
  • Cajun Fired Mayhem - The complete history of Maison Blanche
  • Whose Scheme Was It? - pair the nefarious plot with the proper Dimera
  • Brainwashing and Artificial Identity Reassignment with Doctor Wilhelm Rolf
  • Pawns, Pawns and more Pawns a complete list
  • Trojan Horse - the complication saga of Andre & Tony Dimera
  • Ain't Nothing but a Scoundrel - the truth about former mayor EJ Dimera
  • She Devil - the life and crimes of Kristen Dimera
 
SALEM SOCIETY WELCOMES OPENING OF NEW INN
Salem's best people have greeted with pleasure the opening of a new inn, Martin House, located in the newly-restored Martin Mansion. Salem's leading socialite, Ms. Giselle van Hopper, has announced that she will soon be visiting Martin House to determine its suitability for events sponsored by the many civic and social groups of which she is the president or chairperson. She said: "Martin House should be a welcome addition to our wonderful city and a fine alternative to the tacky Salem Inn, which has become notorious for its large numbers of vulgar, unsavory guests and the many reprehensible events, which have occurred there." Ms. van Hopper added that she will urge the Inn's proprietors, Doug and Julie Williams, to maintain standards by not providing rooms to lustful teenagers, mad scientists, career criminals, assorted grifters and schemers, Samantha Brady, and any member of the DiMera and Weston families.
 
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NEW LAW PRACTICE OPENS IN SALEM
Belle Black Brady is pleased to announce the opening of her new all purpose law practice in Salem. Mrs. Brady has been barred in the state of Maine and will be transferring her license to Salem. She is a former resident of Salem and is the daughter of noted businessman, ISA agent and Salem PD detective John Black and Dr. Marlena Evans. Mrs. Brady specializes in divorce, custody arrangements, estate planning and defense law. Mrs. Brady follows in the family footsteps of her de facto stepsister Carrie Brady Reed. Unlike her stepsister, Mrs. Brady will not be taking on any household pet search and rescue cases. To schedule your free consultation, call 555-BELL today.
 
POPULAR TOWN SQUARE SANTA DECLINES TO RETURN
Ms. Giselle van Hopper, chairperson of the Town Square Holiday Committee, has announced that the popular Mr. Percy Ruggles has said that he cannot return as the Town Square Santa. In addition to being remarkably popular with the children, Mr. Ruggles was also famous locally for his role in rescuing Mr. Nicholas Fallon from the icy Salem River and exposing the late Mr. EJ DiMera's infamous Smith Island cabin tryst with Ms. Abigail Deveraux. According to Ms. van Hopper, Mr. Ruggles sends "Greetings!" to his many friends in Salem, but regrets that he already committed to serving as vice-president of the Devon Birdwatchers Society and playing the role of Jacob Marley in a production of "The Christmas Carol." Ms. van Hopper assures Salemites that Mr. Stefano DiMera will not be asked to be the Town Square Santa, but indicated that she will inquire about the availability of Mr. Victor Kiriakis, Mayor Abraham Carver, and Police Commissioner Roman Brady.
 
RUMORS OF LEADERSHIP CHANGES AT TITAN
Informed Salemites are buzzing today about reports that Mr. Brady Black has resigned as CEO of Titan Industries. Mr. Black, a recovered alcoholic, former drug addict, and ex-fiance of the late Ms. Kristen DiMera, has apparently chosen Ms. Jeannie Theresa Donovan, the mother of his child, Master Tate "Tater Tot" Black, Basic Black designer and former schemer, blackmailer and fireplace-poker artiste, over his position at Titan. Titan mogul, Mr. Victor Kiriakis, is currently unavailable for comment, but there is speculation the he will request that his son, Mr. Philip Kiriakis, take over at Titan. The younger Mr. Kiriakis, who is well known for his successful face transplant and regrowing his missing leg, is currently residing in a lakeside penthouse in Chicago and some question whether he'd be willing to give up the good life in the Windy City to again immerse himself in the the allegedly dysfunctional doings at the Kiriakis mansion.
 
NOTED RESEARCH SCIENTIST VISITS SALEM
Observant Salemites who have noticed a well-dressed, bearded gentleman sipping coffee in our beautiful Town Square will be interested to know that he is none other than the distinguished research scientist Dr. Seth Malcolm. The good doctor is in Salem for some rest and relaxation after some trying research in the Yucatan, which involved less-than-ideal facilities, uncooperative subjects, and thuggish assistants. According to the doctor, it was all in a good cause -- developing a serum that will help persons suffering from Alzheimer's and other forms of age-related dementia. Dr. Malcolm has indicated that except for a minor misunderstanding with an overexcited member of the Salem P.D. he is greatly enjoying his first visit to Salem and looks forward to a relaxing stay. Also of note is the fact that Dr. Malcolm is the first guest to enjoy the gracious hospitality of Doug and Julie Williams at the historic, beautiful Martin House, Salem's newest inn.
 
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SALEM COUNTY HISTORICAL SOCIETY TO MEET
Ms. Giselle van Hopper, president of the Salem County Historical Society, has announced that the group will hold an emergency meeting next Monday. She indicated that the meeting was prompted by an act of arson, which tragically destroyed a historic Mammoth Falls cabin where Abraham Lincoln once slept. Lost in the blaze were several paintings done by the famous Grandma Moses, priceless antique furniture, and a beautiful quilt lovingly crafted by local raccoons and squirrels. According to authorities, the arson was committed by Mr. Benjamin Weston, son of alleged drug kingpin Mr. Clyde Weston, in attempt to murder his allegedly faithless fiancee, onetime EJ DiMera showermate Ms. Abigail Devereux and her supposed paramour, Mr. Chadsworth DiMera. Ms. van Hopper called on local authorities to do more to protect our area's historic sites, noting the attack last year on the beloved Town Square tree by a crazed high school student, and the damage caused to many landmark Salem buildings by the epic tunnels explosions.
 
SALEM WOMEN'S CLUB ANNOUNCES NEWCOMER OF THE YEAR
The Salem Women's Club has announced that it will present Ms. Belle Black with its Newcomer of the Year Award. Ms. Black is the daughter of noted University Hospital psychiatrist and DiMera Queen of the Night Dr. Marlena Evans and distinguished businessman, onetime Salem P.D. detective and ISA agent, and multiple coma victim Mr. John Black. Ms. Black is also a recent graduate of Salem University School of Law's accelerated program and will now be practicing law in Salem. In announcing the award, Women's Club president Giselle van Hopper said: "Ms. Black is an inspiration. She has overcome having a truly awful older sister and a very disappointing husband, the temporary disappearance of her little daughter, and the always-difficult three-week program at Salem U.'s law school. I am proud that she is the Women's Club newcomer award winner for 2015." According to informed sources, other newcomer award candidates were goatee king and absentee father Eduardo Hernandez, elephant statue aficionado and murder victim Ms. Serena Mason, handsome hospital hunk Dr. Fynn Thompson, unorthodox scientist Dr. Seth Malcolm, and crawlspace expert Mr. Xander Cook.
 
Dear doody-head editors,

When talking about "truly awful older sisters", obviously you were referring to Carrie, not me, and Carrie isn't Belle's sister. And I've been nothing but loving and supportive of my baby sister, Belle. So you need to correct your stoopid story praising her.

Get your facts straight next time!

I HATE YOU!

Sami Brady


Reply from editors:

Ms. Brady, didn't you once kidnap your baby sister and try to sell her on the black market?


Reply from Sami:

Shut up! I still HATE YOU!
 
SALEM JOURNALISTS ANNOUNCE GIFT-THAT-KEEPS-ON-GIVING AWARD.
The Salem Journalists Association has just announced its first-ever award to the Salemite whose crimes, misdemeanors, misadventures, and overall bad judgment has provided area journalists with shocking, amusing, and perversely entertaining news items for years. According to Ms. Zoe Browning, editor of Sonix magazine, the hands-down winner was Ms. Sami Brady. According to Ms. Browning; "Even in Salem, Sami Brady stands out. Who else once tried to sell her baby sister on the black market, was once almost executed, married her career criminal rapist, obsessively hates her mother's current husband and her sister, obtained and lost countless positions for which she was utterly unqualified, had twins with different fathers, and most recently is rumored to have stolen untold millions from Stefano DiMera himself? You can't make this stuff up." Ms. Browning also indicated that she will personally present the award to Ms. Brady if and when she emerges from wherever she is currently hiding.
 
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