Headlines from the Salem Intruder, Part 2

[DrBakerFan]

As Jenny continues her no-show ways at the Spectator, the Intruder again digs deep for delicious dirt.

Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Way out: Furious Leo Leaves the K-Mansion as Will and Sonny Gloat over Their Victory! Are They Celebrating Too Soon?!

Did Vengeful Leo Really Use the Evil Eye on Will? How You Can Save Your Family from Curses!

Cat Baby?: Informed Sources Report that a Cat Named Arthur Fathered a Half-Human Child in California!

Her Hero: Former Vitali Heir, Tripp Dalton, to Wed Undocumented Haley! Can They Sell Their Sudden Love Story to ICE!?

Brave Ben to the Rescue: How He Protected Ciara as Noodlite Bullets Riddled the DiMansion!

Let's Pad the Bill: The Intruder's Report on How University Hospital Runs up Bills with Useless Tests! How to Protect Yourself from Institutional Greed!

Ask Rory: This Week's Question -- Which Election Opponent Worries You the Most?

Rory: "Easy, it's Benchie, a longtime
local favorite who knows everything
that goes on in this town."

 

[DrBakerFan]

As Jenny endured the Jack-Eve wedding farce, the Intruder's reporters were also on the scene gathering dirt for inquiring minds.

Wedding Chaos: Officiant Adrienne Tries to Talk Jack out of Marrying Eve! Was She Right!

Psychics Predict: Jack-Eve Marriage Won't Last a Month! The Shocking Reasons Why!

Pastor Who?: All the Dirty Details on Pastor Brown of the Second St. Church! You Won't Believe What He's Done in the Past!

Made in China: If Jack Is For America First, Why Weren't His Hats and T-Shirts Made in the U.S.?!

Haley Saved: Tripp Dalton Weds Possible-Be Deportee! But Was the Wedding the Real Deal! ICE Is Still Watching!

Brave Rafe Saves Baby David: Will It Cost Him His Marriage to Cruel Hope!

Ask Rory: "What's Your Take on the Jack-Eve Wedding?

Rory: "What a joke. Everyone
there must have been on drugs."

 

[Poirot]

Made in China: If Jack Is For America First, Why Weren't His Hats and T-Shirts Made in the U.S.?!

 

[DrBakerFan]

As Noodlites invade Salem, the Intruder bravely soldiers on -- getting Salemites their dose of tasty dirt.

Sami's Heartbreak: Mummy EJ Still Won't Speak. Our Experts Weigh in on His Prospects for Recovery!

Police Helpless as Noodlites Invade Salem: Ten Ways to Keep Your Family Safe!

The Fox is Back in the Hen House: Maggie Fumes as Foolish Victor Brings Scheming Kate Back to Titan!

Hospital Shocker: Rafe Hernandez Shot, but Does Not Go into a Coma! How This Medical Miracle Happened!

Will's Brain Tumor: What Are His Chances?! How to Tell if Your Brain is Tumor-Free!

The Hate-Sex Trend: Dr. Marlena Evans Explains This Disturbing Development!

Ask Rory: This Week's Question -- How Do You Explain Candidate Benchie's Rise in the Polls?

Rory: Easy. Abe is a stiff, Jack is
a tool, and Anne is too fond of
the sauce. That said, once Salem
voters light up their favorite weed,
I'll be a shoo-in.

 

[DrBakerFan]

As always, the Intruder is way ahead of the madness in Salem.

Nicole Walker Is Alive!!!: You Won't Believe Her Shocking Tale of Escape and Agonizing Recovery!

Dumped: Distraught Sarah out in the Cold as Eric Dumps Her for True-Love Nicole!

Kidnap Mania: Little Holly the Latest Victim of Local Snatching. Why Can't the Salem P.D. Stop It!

Swiss-Cheese Fortress: Twenty Ways You Too Can Break into Stefan O's Porous Citadel!

Commissioner Cheat: Rafe Heartbroken as Hope Canoodles with D.A. Ted!

Tips from Our Wine Expert, Dr. Rex Brady: Ten Affordable Wines to Serve with Chicken Salad!

Ask Xander (Rory is too busy campaigning to appear this week.): Any Take on the Rumors That You're Working for D.A. Ted?

Xander: Let's just say that I'm
slumming until Victor comes to
his senses and gives me a big
job at Titan.

 

[DrBakerFan]

Salem may be in chaos, but the Intruder has its act together.

Unspeakable Tragedy?: Did Baby Holly Die in a Car Wreck or Was It a Body Double? Salem History Says It's the Latter!

Double Dumped: Wailing Eric Given Walking Papers by Angry Nicole! Is Bayview in His Future?!

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished: Wacky Hope Suspends Brave Rafe for His Heroic Effort to Catch Holly's Kidnappers! How You Can Help Get Him Reinstated!

Will's Bizarre Brain Tumor: Can Kayla Find the Answer! Our Medical Experts Weigh in!

Lock Your Doors: Xander is Back! What Is Salem's Bad Boy up to This Time?!

Palace Outrage: Royals Not Amused by Sami Brady's Claims That Archie Harrison is Really Her Son!

Ask Rory: This Week's Question -- Any Predictions on the Election Results?

Rory: If Salem's cool people vote,
I'm a shoo-in. If the morons show
up in large numbers, awful Jack
wins. If the solid-boring, middle-aged
people bother to vote, Mayor Abe
gets reelected.

 

[Just Samantha]

Palace Outrage: Royals Not Amused by Sami Brady's Claims That Archie Harrison is Really Her Son!

Reply from Sami:

Of course that darling baby is mine. No one else could ever possibly have such a cute infant. All of my babies were the most photogenic children you've ever seen. Archie will be right at home with his siblings, Reggie, Jughead, Veronica, Betty, Big Moose and Hotdog.

 

[DrBakerFan]

As Jenny sulks over Jack's victory, the Intruder zeroes on the hot dirt of the week.

Eve's New Shocking Carver Charges: "Abe Murdered Lexie"!"

Take a Hike: Wacky Mayor Jack Dumps Hope as Commish -- Appoints His Unqualified Wife!!

Thud: Maggie Falls off the Wagon! Can Her Family Save Her?!

Police Strike?: Cops Threaten to Walk out over Eve's Appointment as Commissioner! How You Can Keep Your Family Safe if the Worst Happens!

On the Run: JJ and Haley Give ICE and the Cops the Slip! Will Patch Johnson Aid Their Escape?!

"We're Just Business Associates": Angry Victor Denies Kate Luv Talk! Is He on the Level?!

Ask Rory: This Week's Question -- Will You Help JJ and Haley Give ICE and the Cops the Slip?

Rory: Let's just say that if I do,
nobody will ever find them, especially
the bumbling cops and foolish ICE.

 

[DrBakerFan]

Jenny and Adrienne may be missing in action as Jack and Eve run Salem into the ground, but the Intruder soldiers on, doing its best to keep the local citizens informed.

Corruption Unlimited: You Won't Believe What Fake Commissioner Eve Is Doing Down at Police Headquarters. How You Can Help Stop Her!

Mayor No-Show: When Will "Mayor" Jack Deveraux Appear at City Hall? Does He Even Know Where It Is?!

Civil Rights?: Popular Stoner, Rory, Unjustly Hassled by the Salem P.D. Sign Our Petition to Get the Cops off His Back and Return Justice to Salem!

Railroaded!: Evil Eve and Her Cruel Cops Try to Frame Brave Ben for Torching the Horton Cabin! How You Can Contribute to His Defense Fund!

Calling Dr. Daniel Jonas!: Is His Spirit Guiding the Docs Who Are Fighting to Save Will?! What One Nurse Says She Saw!

We Know Who Did It!: Enraged Horton Cabin Raccoons Name Names in Their Account of the Horton Cabin Fire!

Ask Rory: This Week's Question -- Any Comments on Being Hassled by the Cops?

Rory: "Uncool doesn't even begin to
describe Eve and her cops. I never
thought I'd say it, but this town needs
Roman and Abe back on the job."

 

[DrBakerFan]

As Jenny continues to fret over Jack and Adrienne is a total no-show, the Intruder soldiers on, bringing Salem all the hottest dirt available.

Where Are They Now: Tek Kramer? Did Mayor Abe Have a Hand in His Disappearance?

Where Are They Now: EJ DiMera? Is That Really Him Under the Charmin Wrappings?

Impeach "Mayor" Jack Deveraux: How to Join the Intruder's Effort to Dump the Faux Mayor!

Vindicated!: Brave Ben Cleared of All Charges as Crazy Claire Fesses up!

It's Safe to Go Outside: Screechy Sami Leaves Salem Ending Danger to Salemites' Eardrums! Will She Be Back Soon?!

Homewrecker!: Maggie Urges Newlywed Daughter, Sarah, to Dump Cheating Dr. Rex for Woebegone Eric! What's She Thinking!

Ask Rory: This Week's Question -- Should Sarah Leave Rex for Eric?

Rory: "That's a choice? The loud-
mouthed Doc would be better off
with me. Hey, I'm a sensitive, caring
guy who has the pot that could
finally help her get mellow."

 

[DrBakerFan]

As Jenny continues to concentrate her efforts anywhere but the Spectator, the brave Intruder reporters continue to wade through Salem's sewers in search of the very ugly truth.

Salem Park Shocker!: Eyewitnesses Report Two Susans!! Our Take on This Total Weirdness!

Salem Inn Horror!: Guests Flee in Terror as Nicole Walker Trashes Her Room! Why Hasn't She Been Tossed out Yet?!

Movin' on up: Handsome Titan Exec Xander Cook Wows the Ladies at Salem's Bars and Clubs! Which Lucky Lady Will Win His Affections!

At Loose Ends: Jobless Sonny Needs Something to Do. Send Suggestions for a New Career to Him Care of the Intruder!!

Rex-Sarah Divorce Watch: Odds of a Split Increase as Sarah Still Confides in Sad Sack Eric!

Police Headquarters Follies: Win a Valuable Prize from the Intruder by Predicting the Next Idiotic and/or Illegal Thing Eve Donovan Will Do. Send Us Your Guess Today!

Ask Rory: Today's Question -- What New Career Should Unemployed Sonny Choose?

Rory: "I'd suggest selling pot retail,
but I don't want the competition. One
good choice would be earning tips
in the Town Square by posing for
photos with tourists while
impersonating the Big Boy Burger kid."

 

[DrBakerFan]

Nothing can keep the brave Intruder staff from digging in the steaming heaps of Salem's latest dirt.

Sami's Heartbreak: EJ Rumored to Be Having Mummy Sex with His LIve-in Nurse! Will She Dump the Cheat at Last!

Bullet-Riddled Barrister!: Shyster Ted Laurent Found Dead at his Residence! Did His Sordid Past Finally Catch up with Him!

I'm So out of Here!: Fed-up Rexy Walks out on Faithless, Fickle Sarah. Naturally, He's Blaming Sad Sack Eric the Human Punching Bag!

I've Had It!: Mayor Jack Dumps Eve and Fires Her After She Ruins His Memory Serum Hopes!

Take a Hike: Cruel Gabi Tells Stefan That It's Over Minutes After Taking Vows! Plus, She Grabs His Company! Will This Audacious Coup Last?!

Shocking Rumors of Kristen DiMera's Return!: Is Marlena in Danger Yet Again?! How You Can Protect Your Family from this Homicidal Maniac!

Ask Rory: This Week's Question -- What's Your Take on the Gabi Take-over?

Rory: "Shin and his mob are unmellow
dudes. They should have given the
top job to Theo Carver. He's a real
DiMera and a real human being."

 

[DrBakerFan]

Salemites who need to catch up on all the dirt need look no further than the latest issue of the Intruder.

Insanity: Rumors Swirl That Mad Mayor Jack Will Help Set Kristen Free! Doesn't He Care About Salem's Citizens?!

Ratted out: Xander Cops a Deal with D.A. Trask That Reveals All of Kristen's Dirty Secrets! The Shocking Details!

Freed: Brave Will and Sonny Free Gabi and Stefan from DiMera Horror Dungeon! What Did They Do While Locked up Together?!

Hell Hath No Fury: Now Dumped, Furious Eve Tells Wacky Jack: "See You in Court!"

I'm With Jack -- Not: Mayor Jack's Polls Plummet Amid Rumors of Incompetence and Double-Dealing!

DiMera Insanity: Hong Kong Nut, Mr. Shin, Quickly Dumps Gabi -- Makes Scheming Kate CEO. Can She Last? Could You Be the Next CEO?!

Ask Rory: This Week's Question -- What's Your Take on the Kristen Deal?

Rory: "Bad news. Who in their
right mind would ever set Kristen
free? Voters made a big mistake
voting in Crazy Jack. They should
have voted for me, Anne, Abe, or
Benchie. We'd put Salem's citizens
first."

 

[DrBakerFan]

News that Jenny has been kidnapped by Dr. Shah prompts the Intruder to do an expose on University Hospital physicians.

Mad Doc Kidnaps Jenny Deveraux: The Stunning Reasons Why!

The Doctor Was a Fetishist: Amazing Details on Dr. Daniel Jonas's Compulsive Drooling over Hot Women Dressed in Revealing Hospital Gowns!

A Penny for Your Heart: Dr. Ben Walters' Unbelievable Mad Scheme to Buy Cut-Rate Body Parts for University Hospital!

Sorry Granddad, I Gotta Go: How Dr. Nathan Horton Fled His Grandfather's Quack-Infested Hospital to Save His Sanity and Professional Reputation!

The Doctor Is Rarely In: Shocking Details on How Dr. Marlena Evans Pulls a Full University Hospital Paycheck While Rarely Seeing Patients!

Failed Gamble on Love Leads to Prison: Bizarre Tale of How Gambling Addict Doc Richard Baker Took a Chance on Winning the Heart of Mugger Hope and Lost Big Time!

I'm a Doctor and a Stripper: The Racy Career of Dr. Cameron Davis aka "Officer Billy Club!" Check out Our Shocking Pics of HIs Routine!

Ask Rory: This Week's Question -- What do you think of University Hospital?

Rory: "Don't ask. It's beyond uncool.
I'd go to a veterinarian for care before
I'd go to University Hospital."

 

[JasonDíSpeech]

From the Salem Intruder Classifieds:
Were you declared to be in an irreversible coma at Salem University Hospital only to have a full recovery? Join our support group! We meet Fridays at 6PM, St Mary's Hospital Community Room, Rm #2404. Or join us at 8 at Chez Rouge for dinner.

 

[JasonDíSpeech]

Classified Item:
Attention Salem's finest citizens who were once thought, believed, reported, dreamt, or staged to be dead - due to overwhelming interest, we have had to split signups for the volleyball team into 3 teams.
Our tentative team names:
SECOND CHANCE RECAST
IT DIDN'T TAKE
ROLF'S POKER BUDDIES

 

[Poirot]

 

[DrBakerFan]

Ignoring the insanity in Salem, the Intruder writers keep forging ahead, serving their avid readers' taste for juicy dirt.

Kristen's Miracle Baby! Who's the Daddy??! Check out Our Online Poll!

Lucas's Misguided Plan to Give Away His Mother's Heart! How She Escaped an Untimely Death!

Reunited! Jack Regains His Memory and Reunites with Jenny! Will These Lovebirds Find Lasting Happiness at Last!

Pregnant and Dumped!: Faithless Father Eric Cruelly Dumps Pregnant Sarah for Nicole! Will She Turn to Xander for Comfort?!

On the Loose: Mad Viv, Wanted for Shooting and Burying Kate ALIVE, Eludes Salem P.D. (of Course)! How You Can Help Find Her!

Ask Rory: This Week's Question -- Will Julie Get a New Heart?!

Rory: "If I didn't need mine 24/7, I'd
lend her mine. That said, her
recovery is a slam dunk. Hearts
and other body parts always have
a miraculous way of turning up in
Salem.

 

[DrBakerFan]

Salemites think that they can keep their dirt under wraps, but not with the Intruder on the job.

The Amazing Inside Story of How Kate Crawled out of a Grave to Reach University Hospital!: "I Thought She Was a Ghoul" Says Stunned Eyewitness!

Nicole Storms out: "Get a Job" She Tells Dead-Beat Eric!

Madman Shin Strikes Again: Why He Dumped Kate as CEO of DiMera in Favor of Clueless Tony!

The Dumbest Man in Salem: The Shocking Details on How Clueless Brady Black Has Been Duped Again by Psycho Kristen!

Deranged Gabi Tortures Lani: You'll Be Outraged by What She Made Her Do to Get Stefan's Heart for Dying Julie!

"I'm Out of Here": Dumped and Pregnant Sarah Vows to Leave Salem! Tearful Bad Boy Xander Begs Her to Stay!

Ask Rory: This week's question -- What's Your Take on the Brady-Kristen Relationship?

Rory: "Letting her into the mansion
was beyond uncool. How would you
like to live in the same house as
this hideous medusa?"

 

[DrBakerFan]

While Jenny and Jack bring some romance to Salem, the Intruder works hard to deliver what what the city is really about -- hot, juicy dirt.

Help Justin Save Brave Ben: How You Can Support the Intruder's Campaign for a New Trial!

Ben Was Framed: Stunning New Evidence from an Unnamed Source Proves His Innocence!

Cruel Eric Forces Sarah to Cut Xander out of Baby Mickey's Life! How the X-Man Could Strike Back!

Meet Sonny Kiriakis's New Boy Toy: Has He Already Forgotten Poor Will?!

Salem Psychic Says Stefano Is Hiding in a Salem Warehouse! Can She Pinpoint His Location!?

Convent Shocker! Lani and Kristen Quit the Nuns: Why Their Enemies Should Be Very Afraid!

Ask Rory: This Week's Question -- Should Nicole Wait for Eric to Come to His Senses?

Rory: "No way, no how. Nicole is
way too good for this pompous,
self-righteous jerk!"