Headlines from the Salem Intruder

[DrBakerFan]

As Jenny wastes time attending Andre's weird press conference, the Intruder staffers are actually getting out a newspaper.

Commissioner Creep: Rampaging Raines Behind Salem's Latest Crime Wave! Check Out the Shocking Details!

Is He Really a Loon?: Dr. Marlena Evans Declares Andre DiMera Mentally Unfit. He Says Otherwise! Whom Should You Believe?!

Does One Kiss Equal an Affair?: Our Relationship Experts Weigh In!

Has That Old Spark Gone Out?! Ten Ways to Tell if Your Ex Is No Longer Into You!

No He's Not Mayor McSleeze, but He's Still Smug and Sanctimonious: Our Sort-of Apology to Mayor Carver!

Enter the Intruder's Where in the World Is John Black Contest: Check out the Readers' Theories!

Ask the Forest Preserve Bear: This Week's Question: Is Andre DiMera Really Crazy?

Forest Preserve Bear: "Who knows,
but there are always tasty goodies
in the DiMansion dumpster." As
John Black would say, 'That's a
fact.'"

 

[DrBakerFan]

As Jenny scrambles around Salem desperately looking for stories, the Intruder is way ahead of her.

Busted!: Ex-Con Hattie Adams Arrested for Impersonating Noted Psychiatrist! Guess Whom She Was Working With!

Double Weddings: Are They a Definite Double Disaster?: Our Experts Weigh in!

Does Your College Student Have the Emotional Intelligence of a Ten-Year-Old?: Ten Warning Signs!

How You Can Escape from a Straight-Jacket: John Black's Brilliant Step-by-Step Guide!

DIMera Shocker!: Andre Isn't Crazy After All -- at Least Officially!

Bayview Horror: The Intruder and Shocked Salemites Say: Close This Hellhole Now!

Ask the Forest Preserve Bear: This Week's Question -- Has Anyone Ever Impersonated You?

Forest Preserve Bear: "Not a chance.
Who else has this handsome face?"

 

[DrBakerFan]

As always, the Intruder digs for the dirt, which in Salem isn't hard to find.

Jailhouse Rock!: Our Stunning, No-Holds-Barred Prison Interview with Former Commissioner Raines!

Commissioner Crook!: Mayor Carver Reportedly Considering Felon Hope Brady for Commissioner! Is He Serious?!

Mayor McScrooge: Why Isn't Cheapo Mayor Carver Helping the Horton Center with City Cash!

TBD Showdown: Auction Shocker as Diva and Cruiser Outbid Tech Geek Myron for Local Club!

Is Somebody "Thinking" of Your Love?: Our Experts Provide Ten Key Signs!

Ask the Forest Preserve Bear: This Week's Question -- Are You a Candidate for Police Commissioner?

Forest Preserve Bear: "Only if they
improve the food at police
headquarters and give me time
off to hibernate. After all, I need
my beauty sleep."

 

[DrBakerFan]

While Jenny enthuses about the blushing bride, the Intruder continues the gritty work of getting Salemites the stories they need and want.

Rewriting the Rules of Your Marriage: Essential Advice from Andre DiMera and Kate Roberts!

Ladies, Are You Radiant? Ten Ways to Tell!

Low-Cut Dresses: How Low Can You Go?!

Your Double Wedding: An Essential List of Dos and Don't from Our Experts!

Household Help: How You Can Pick the Right Maid!

Will the Chad-Abigail-Sonny-Paul Wedding Go Off Without a Hitch?: The Latest Betting Line from Las Vegas Oddsmakers!

Ask the Forest Preserve Bear: This Week's Question -- What's that green thingie hanging our of your mouth?

Forest Preserve Bear: "Oh, just a
little something that I got from Rory."

 

[DrBakerFan]

While Jenny grins like the Cheshire cat over the second Chad-Abigail wedding, the Intruder forges ahead, covering in depth the hot story that all Salem is talking about -- the return of Ben.

Clyde Weston Speaks Out from His Cell: "Salem's Cruel In-Crowd Drove My Boy Crazy!"

Mad Ben's Warning to All Salem Men: Fumes That Abigail Deveraux-DiMera Is a Tramp! His Stunning Claims!

Is Will Horton Buried in His Grave?: The Latest Betting Line from Las Vegas Oddsmakers!

Police Headquarters Shocker: Crazed Cop Held Loaded Gun to Ben's Head!

Ben Weston and Ben the Movie Rat: Ten Remarkable Similarities!

To Dig or Not to Dig, That Is the Question: Sonny's Shocking Plan to Exhume Will's Body!

Note: The Forest Preserve Bear is off this week, fattening up for his winter hibernation, so Xander Cook, who has plenty of time on his hands, has kindly volunteered to fill in.

Ask Xander: This Week's Question -- What's Your Opinion of Ben?

Xander: "He's another victim of
Salem society. If you're not in with
the in-crowd, you don't have a
chance."

 

[DrBakerFan]

While Adrienne languishes in prison and Jenny still glows from her daughter's latest wedding, the Intruder keeps its keen eye on dirty doings in Salem.

Sami Brady Is Back. Yes, Really: Five Ways to Keep Your Family and Home Safe from the Salem Screecher!

Salem Luv Shocker: Nicole Walker Dumps Billionaire Brady for Gloomy Ex-Priest Eric!

Ben's Stunning Claim: Will Horton Is Alive! How Does He Know?: His Daddy Told Him So!

Salem Lax Cemetery Security: Are Your Deceased Loved Ones Safe from Shovel-Wielding Ghouls?!

Salem's Own Bonnie and Clyde: A Stunning Report on the Past Crimes of Commissioner Hope Brady and Her Ex-Husband, the Late Bo Brady!

Ask Xander: This Week's Question -- What Do You Think About Hope Brady Becoming Police Commissioner?

Xander: "She's a perfect choice. Most
of Salem's hypocritical in-crowd are
criminals too."

 

[DrBakerFan]

As Jenny does who knows what and Adrienne desperately tries to contact Steve and Justin, the Intruder carries on, bringing all the dirt to Salemites.

Graveyard Shocker: John Black and Son Caught Red-Handed with Shovels about to Dig Up Will Horton!

K-Mansion Luv Stunner: Victor to Divorce His Maggie to Wed Adrienne Kiriakis! Has He Gone Mad?! Our Experts Weigh in!

Storm Warnings: Salemites Take to Shelters as Hurricane Sami Blows into Town! Where to Stay Safe!

Poverty-Stricken Little Trippy Working as Waiter: Jaw-Dropping Reasons Why He Gave Away His Vitali Billions!

Why Is the Salem P.D. an FBI Dumping Ground?: Shameless Mayor Abe Gets Salem P.D. Job for His Main Squeeze's Ex-Agent Son!

Ask Xander: This Week's Question -- Has Victor Contacted You About Dealing with the Crazy Adrienne Situation?

Xander: "Not yet, but if he does,
he'd better make it worth my
while."

 

[Wayne]

I read this thread and suddenly I really do wonder if we could work together to build a "Salem Tabloid" site. It sounds like a LOT of fun, if not a bit of work..

Wayne

 

[Just Samantha]

We have quite a few parody/satire threads. This one, the Salem Spectator Society Page, Ask Ruffles McRed (a Maggie Horton advice column), Ask Sami Brady, Random Thoughts (of the Salemites), Letters to the Salemites and the Facebook posts and Tweets from the Salemites, in which we imagine the various characters interacting on social media.

 

[DrBakerFan]

As Jenny wastes her time badgering Kate about the state of DiMera Enterprises, the Intruder continues to bring Salemites the dirt they care about.

It's Safe to Go Outside: Sami Brady Is in Jail! Amazing Details on This Happy News!

Dr. Wilhelm Rolf Dead Again: How Shocking Police Negligence Allowed This to Happen!

State Prison Shocker: Brainless Warden Tried to Stonewall Adrienne's Rescue! Who Saved Her and How!

K-Mansion Stunner: Victor's Latest Wedding Comes to Abrupt End and an Imposter Is Exposed! The Jawdropping Facts!

How You Can Help Find Escaped Convict and Imposter Bonnie Lockhart: Her Ridiculous Disguise and Absurd Dress!

Landlord's Outrage: Sourpuss Eric Brady Trashed His Farmhouse! Can the Ex-Priest's Rampage Be Stopped!
Where He Might Strike Next!

Ask Xander: This Week's Question -- What Do You Think of the Eric-Brady Brawl over Nicole Walker?

Xander: "Not much. When Is Victor
going to realize I'm the sanest, most
sensible member of the family?"

 

[DrBakerFan]

As Adrienne pleads with Lucas and Jenny is who knows where, the Intruder keeps plugging away.

Locals Head for Memphis: What Weirdness Awaits Them?!

Bonnie Lockhart Gone Without a Trace: As Usual the Salem P.D. Has No Answers!

Hurricane Sami a Category Five: How Salemites Are Keeping Their Families Safe!

Halloween in Salem: Who Rose from the Dead? The Intruder's Top-Ten List of Possibles!

Unwanted Guests: How to Keep Them from Moving In: Tips from Perpetual Reluctant Host Victor Kiriakis!

Tormented Nicole Flees Salem with Baby Holly: How Cruel Brady Destroyed Her Life!

Ask Xander: This Week's Question -- What Do You Think of the Deimos-Eve Marriage?

Xander: Dumb move by Uncle D.
"It's just more proof that I'm the
smartest member of the Kiriakis
family."

 

[DrBakerFan]

As Jenny still obsesses over DiMera Enterprises, the Intruder brings Salemites some real news.

Frame-up!: Brady's Shocking Plan to Pin the Deimos Murder on Eve Donovan!

Meet Dr. Wilhelm Rolf: The Amazing Career of Stefano DiMera's Mad Scientist!

Is Will Horton Alive?: Salem Conspiracy Theorists Weigh In!

DiMera Enterprises in Peril: Salemites Say "Who Cares?"

How You Can Get Rid of Unwanted House Guests: Ten Great Tips from the Experts!

Awash in Dirty Money: The Stunning Truth About University Hospital Donors!

Ask Xander: This Week's Question -- What Do You Think of Brady's Plan to Frame Eve?

Xander: "Dumber than dumb. Brady
is a total fool. I'm more convinced than
ever that I'm the smartest Kiriakis."

 

[DrBakerFan]

As Jenny frets over JJ, worries about Theo, and smarts from Abe's cruel words, the Intruder soldiers on, bring Salemites their weekly helping of delicious dirt.

Town Square Horror: Mayor's Son Gunned Down by Recently Suspended Cop!

Mayor Abe's Rage: The Jawdropping Things He Said About His Son's Shooting!

Mayor's Son in Coma: Now He's a Real Salemite! The Stunning Details Direct from the OR!

DiMera Family Follies: Chad Blames Andre for Theo's Sad Fate! Abigail Says No!

Was Theo Caught in Kate Roberts's Devilish Web of Lies and Deceit?: Who Will Be Her Next Victim?!

Memphis Shocker: Sami Heartbroken as Resurrected Will Horton Says: "I'm EJ DiMera!"

Ask Xander: This Week's Question -- "How Would You Sort out the Will Horton Situation?"

Xander: "Simple, lock Susan Banks in a sweltering crawlspace until she talks."

 

[Just Samantha]

Reply from Sami Brady DiMera, et al,: Xander (wait, you're my son, right?), you are brilliant. Come here and help me stuff this crazy woman into a hot crawlspace. Why don't I listen to you more often? You're not stoopid like the rest of the doodyheads in Salem.

 

[DrBakerFan]

Giving up time with friends and family, the Intruder family soldiers on giving Salemites a hefty helping of tasty dirt to go with their Thanksgiving dinners.

Amnesiac Will Horton Has No Memory of Screechy Sami: Salemites Say: "If Only We Were This Lucky!"

Memphis Police Jailed Sami Brady: The Shocking Reason Why She Was Released!

K-Mansion Tension Roils Holidays: You'll Never Guess Why Victor Is Furious at Brady!

Eve Donovan Seizes Basic Black: John Black's Anguish over the Sad Fate of His Old Company!

Thought Sami's Screeching Was Louder Than Ever?: Salem U Scientists Prove You Were Right!

Sami Proclaims Enduring Love for Rapist EJ: Just How Clueless Is the Salem Screecher?! Our Experts Weigh In!

Ask Xander: This Week's Question -- How Would You Shut Up Sami Brady?

Xander: "No problem. Did I ever mention that
my favorite crawlspace is sound-proof."

 

[Just Samantha]

Reply from Sami Brady DiMera, et al: Xander, that's not a nice thing to say about your mommy! You're one of my favorite kids. How can you be so mean to me??

 

[Poirot]

Club's Extravagant Holiday Dinner a Disaster - No One Attends

Thanksgiving Day Miracle....Sami Brady told by son to just SHUT UP!

Police on Alert as Lucas Horton Reported Missing.

 

[Noel]

 

[DrBakerFan]

While Jenny frets about lovelorn Hope, distraught JJ, and comatose Theo, the Intruder's staff keeps providing Salemites with the Sami-related dirt they love.

Outrageous Sami Shocker: She Had Ben Weston Strangle Her Son AGAIN -- for His Own Good!

Ben Weston Speaks Out: "Sami Brady Is Far Crazier Than Anyone in Bayview!"

Experts Condemn Sami's Strangulation Therapy: Say That Instead of Playing Psychiatrist, She Badly Needs One!

Will Horton Stunner: "I Prefer Amnesia to Remembering Sami!"

Jailbird Clyde Weston Fumes: "I'll Get Sami Brady for What She Did to My Poor Boy!"

How to Protect Yourself from Sami's High-Octave Screeching: Ten Great Tips from Our Experts!

Ask Xander: This Week's Question -- What Do You Think of Sami's Strangulation Therapy Plot?

Xander: "I'm speechless. All I can say is that
when Ben Weston was running amok with
his neckties, he didn't strangle the right
woman."

 

[katmouse]

I agree with Xander's comment