The Salem Shyster: Salem's Legal Newsletter

Discussion in 'Daily Days' started by DrBakerFan, Sep 1, 2017.

  1. DrBakerFan

    DrBakerFan
    Expand Collapse
    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2011
    Messages:
    3,852
    Thanks Received:
    29,666
    Location:
    Long Island, NY
    Every viewer knows that Salem University Hospital follows proper medical procedures only by accident, that the Salem P.D. is generally utterly incompetent, and that Salem corporations are usually headed by the unqualified, easily distracted, or the totally corrupt. Sadly, Salem's judiciary is no different. If the Salem Bar Association posted ratings for the judges who have been seen on-screen in the past several years, they would probably look something like this.

    Karen Fitzpatrick: Grade C-. Generally competent, but is bought and paid for by the DiMeras. if your client is in litigation with DiMera Enterprises or an individual member of the DiMera family, he/she doesn't have a chance.

    David Goldberg: Grade C+. OK except in cases involving teens. Here, he brings his bad temper to the bench. If you're defending a juvenile delinquent or a teen vandal, move heaven and earth to ensure he's not presiding at the hearing. If Alcatraz was still open, he'd fill it with Salem's wayward youth.

    Rose Duncan: Grade D+: A total nonentity. Rumored to have finished at the bottom of her class at Salem University School of Law. Mothers with unorthodox pasts (babyswitching, etc.) who are involved in custody proceedings enter her courtroom at their own risk.

    Damon Thorpe: Grade F: Pompous, bad-tempered, and unaware that the law should be tempered with mercy. For sale to the highest bidder, but easily intimidated by the rich and powerful. Please sign our removal petition located on the Bar Association website.
     
    #1 DrBakerFan, Sep 1, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2017
    redsquirrel, gramcracker, Heather4CU and 10 others appreciate this.
  2. Just Samantha

    Just Samantha
    Expand Collapse
    Super Moderator
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2010
    Messages:
    16,514
    Thanks Received:
    104,675
    :clap::clap::clap::clap:

    Salem needs to hire Judge Judy or have Dr. Rolf resurrect Judge Wapner.
     
    Heather4CU, ktspirit, Jen67 and 5 others appreciate this.
  3. DrBakerFan

    DrBakerFan
    Expand Collapse
    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2011
    Messages:
    3,852
    Thanks Received:
    29,666
    Location:
    Long Island, NY
    OMG, imagine how Judge Judy would have handled a courtroom scene that included Chloe squawking, "Holly is my baby," Justin's ineffective prattling, Brady's rude interruptions, and poor Nicole's sad pleas. And would Deimos have survived an attempt to bribe her? That said here's another listing for the Salem judicial ratings and excerpts from the Bar Association's ratings for some of Salem's less-than-distinguished attorneys.

    Maddie Peterson-Woods: Grade A-. Knowledgeable and courteous, and runs an orderly, fair courtroom. She get's a minus only because she once married the less-than-competent former district attorney, Charles Woods. Judge Peterson-Woods is said to be deceased, but since this is Salem, you may soon find her back among the living and presiding at your next court hearing.

    Attorneys

    Justin Kiriakis: Grade C-. Is the sometime Kiriakis family mouthpiece. Generally unprepared and ineffective. Highly unprofessional and usually meets with clients in the Town Square, Club TBD, and Brady Pub. Often takes cases for which he is utterly unqualified. His few victories can be attributed to evidentiary mistakes by the bumbling Salem P.D. If he is representing a person who's suing your client, it's a cause for celebration. Victory is assured.

    Carrie Brady: Grade D+. Is the less-dramatic sister of the infamous Salem screecher Sami Brady. Her legal skills are questionable as evidenced by her past specialization in the faux legal field of lost-cat law and a very sketchy knowledge of divorce law. Currently resides in Zurich, but like most Bradys could eventually return to Salem, which would be most unwelcome for other members of the legal community.

    Charles Woods: Grade D. Has a remarkable resemblance to the actor David Leisure. Is the former, poorly-rated district attorney whose conviction rate hovered at 0%. Treats his unfortunate clients the same way he treated his ex-son, Chad DiMera, which is to say truly awful. Never work with this attorney on any case.

    Aiden Jennings: Grade D-. Ethically challenged and chronically short of money, he Is vulnerable to blackmail. He avoids an F grade only because he actually had an office. Has left Salem, but could return anytime, which is most unfortunate.

    EJ DiMera: Grade F. Real legal skills are non-existent. His law degree may have been purchased from a compliant law school. Is the scheming, heartless, completely unethical son of the allegedly deceased Stefano DiMera. His only plus is dressing well. He is rumored to be permanently dead, but since he's a DiMera, this is highly unlikely.
     
    #3 DrBakerFan, Sep 4, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2017
    redsquirrel, katmouse, JasonDíSpeech and 4 others appreciate this.
  4. Just Samantha

    Just Samantha
    Expand Collapse
    Super Moderator
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2010
    Messages:
    16,514
    Thanks Received:
    104,675
    :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
     
    DrBakerFan appreciates this.
  5. Noel

    Noel
    Expand Collapse
    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2011
    Messages:
    6,831
    Thanks Received:
    26,145
    Location:
    Winter Wonderland
    Absolutely!! :clap::clap:
     
    DrBakerFan appreciates this.
  6. DrBakerFan

    DrBakerFan
    Expand Collapse
    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2011
    Messages:
    3,852
    Thanks Received:
    29,666
    Location:
    Long Island, NY
    To keep Salemites informed about its judges and attorneys, the Salem Bar Association has started publishing an online newsletter.

    Judge Karen Fitzpatrick: Awarded ridiculous and excessive compensatory and punitive damages to Mr. Andre DiMera in his lawsuit against Salem Cheapo Dry Cleaners. Mr. DiMera had alleged that the cleaner had failed to remove dirt spots from his expensive silk dress shirts, which were caused by recent visits to the family's secret tunnels. She explained to the shocked courtroom that Mr. DiMera's fragile mental state necessitated a large award to soothe his bruised feelings. The cleaner's attorneys say that they will appeal.

    Judge David Goldberg: Recently sentenced rowdy attendees at a Salem University kegger to community service for the entire length of their college careers. At times, his lecturing of the students verged on the overwrought and hysterical. In a juvenile delinquency case, he sentenced the parents of the culprit to close study of Parenting for Dummies.

    Judge Rose Duncan: Cited an attorney for contempt of court after she said that the judge should go back to law school. She also allegedly fell asleep on the bench during a boring sales contract case.

    Judge Damon Thorpe: In a custody case, he awarded the child to the father after noting that the mother had "broken the law" by dropping a candy wrapper in the Town Square. He also appeared to be unusually nervous during a jury selection when he noticed Mr. Brady Black among the prospective jurors.
     
    #6 DrBakerFan, Sep 8, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2017
    mandamiee, redsquirrel, JasonDíSpeech and 2 others appreciate this.
  7. DrBakerFan

    DrBakerFan
    Expand Collapse
    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2011
    Messages:
    3,852
    Thanks Received:
    29,666
    Location:
    Long Island, NY
    Here's the latest from the Salem Bar Association's newsletter.

    Charles Woods has announced that his law office will start specializing in cases where fathers want to disavow the paternity of sons whose DNA has been discovered not to match their own.

    Carrie Reed, who now resides in Zurich, is now referring inquiries from Salemites about their lost cats to Ms. Kitty Katz, an attorney in West Salem.

    Justin Kiriakis recently explained that he consults with clients in public places rather than an office because he believes the informality will relax them.

    Aiden Jennings, a former Salem attorney now practicing in Oregon, was awarded 50 cents in damages at the close of his slander case against former neighbor Ms. Bree Tjaden who had falsely claimed that he had murdered his wife. The award was reportedly so small because the jury decided that Mr. Jennings's reputation was already so poor that Ms. Tjaden's slanderous remarks had virtually no effect on it.

    Judge Damon Thorpe, in a speech at the Salem Women's Club, deplored the allegedly high number of unfit mothers in Salem. As an example, he cited a recent case in which the birth mother, biological mother, and a busybody grandmother were all less-than-desirable options for custody of an infant. He also recalled an unnamed Salem mother who habitually left her children to be cared for at a pub.
     
    katmouse, mandamiee, redsquirrel and 2 others appreciate this.
  8. Just Samantha

    Just Samantha
    Expand Collapse
    Super Moderator
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2010
    Messages:
    16,514
    Thanks Received:
    104,675
    Dear Judy People:

    That is how typical Salem mothers treat their kids. But not ME, Salem's Greatest Mother. Can you imagine actually leaving your precious children at a pub? That would be terrible. I was and am always there to raise my nine children: Leonard, Sheldon, Howard, Raj, Penny, Amy, Bernadette, Stuart and baby Haley. Any Salem mother who can't take care of their child should just send it to me. Not only am I Salem's Greatest Mother, but I am truly radiant.

    Sami Brady DiMera Hofstadter Cooper Wolowitz Koothrappali Fowler
     
    JasonDíSpeech and DrBakerFan appreciate this.
  9. Noel

    Noel
    Expand Collapse
    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2011
    Messages:
    6,831
    Thanks Received:
    26,145
    Location:
    Winter Wonderland
    As one of the "Judy People" we thank you.
     
  10. DrBakerFan

    DrBakerFan
    Expand Collapse
    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2011
    Messages:
    3,852
    Thanks Received:
    29,666
    Location:
    Long Island, NY
    After a long break, the Salem Bar Association has published another issue of its newsletter, The Salem Shyster, which covers the doings of members of the Salem legal community.

    Carrie Reed has returned to Salem from Zurich to defend her mother, Anna DiMera, against charges that she murdered career criminal Andre DiMera, the one-time Salem Slasher. The common wisdom is that this will be a simple task because the first person the inept Salem P.D. charges with a murder is almost always innocent.

    Justin Kiriakis, the Kiriakis family mouthpiece, is off on vacation with his spouse, Adrienne, taking advantage of the fact that no member of his dysfunctional family has been charged with a crime recently.

    Belle Black has returned to Hong Kong after a short stay in Salem with her apparently unemployed husband, Shawn. While in town, avoided all members of the bench and bar probably so she wouldn't have to answer any embarrassing questions about her work for the allegedly failing DiMera Enterprises.

    Judge Rose Duncan continues to raise eyebrows with her unusual rulings in Salem Family Court. Recently, she ruled that both parents were unfit and awarded custody to the family's golden retriever.
     
    katmouse, mandamiee, redsquirrel and 3 others appreciate this.
  11. DrBakerFan

    DrBakerFan
    Expand Collapse
    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2011
    Messages:
    3,852
    Thanks Received:
    29,666
    Location:
    Long Island, NY
    Another issue of the Shyster has appeared.

    D.A. Melinda Trask is once again tilting at windmills. She has decided to prosecute Salem businesswoman Ms. Gabriella Hernandez for the murder of crazed career criminal Mr. Andre DiMera. Knowledgeable members of the bar are shaking their heads, noting that the case is weak and the defendant is highly sympathetic. Rumor has it that Ms. Trask is pushing ahead with this prosecution because she's too eager to finally win a conviction against a member of Salem's teflon in-crowd.

    Justin Kiriakis has once again been handed a gift from the law gods: the defense of Ms. Gabriella Hernandez against a murder charge. Generally reduced to being the legal mouthpiece for his relatives, Mr. Kiriakis now has a chance to get positive publicity by successfully defending the popular Ms. Hernandez. There's even speculation that a win in this case will bring him so many new clients that he'll be able to rent his own office and buy his own home.

    Ask the Shyster: Mr. Will Horton's recent divorce action against Mr. Jackson "Sonny" Kiriakis has many concerned Salemites asking if they should divorce their deceased spouses so that they'll be legally free of them should they miraculously reappear. Such people should relax. If their spouse was legally declared dead the marriage is over. If your spouse has simply disappeared, as so often happens in Salem, see your attorney about obtaining a divorce by publication.
     
    #11 DrBakerFan, Feb 13, 2018
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2018
    Muzzaman, katmouse, redsquirrel and 4 others appreciate this.
  12. JasonDíSpeech

    JasonDíSpeech
    Expand Collapse
    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2012
    Messages:
    5,664
    Thanks Received:
    38,749
    Location:
    Western Wisconsin
    :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
     
    DrBakerFan, katmouse, susala and 1 other person appreciate this.
  13. DrBakerFan

    DrBakerFan
    Expand Collapse
    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2011
    Messages:
    3,852
    Thanks Received:
    29,666
    Location:
    Long Island, NY
    Recent events have resulted in a new issue of The Shyster.

    Those who thought that D.A. Melinda Trask had no personal life were proven wrong when she appeared at Doug's Place recently. There, she was seen chatting up Stefano O. DiMera, which if she's not careful could raise red flags the next time the district attorney's office fails to prosecute a member of Salem's most infamous crime family

    Another member of the Salem legal community with DiMera ties, Judge Karen Fitzpatrick, has just returned from another jaunt to Las Vegas where informed sources report that she lost heavily at roulette and blackjack. Inquiries into how she can afford such large gambling losses were met with a firm "no comment" from the judge's chambers.

    Judge Damon Thorpe continues to raise eyebrows with his unorthodox rulings. This is perhaps explained by the fact that a copy of Judging for Dummies was recently seen lying on the desk in his chambers.

    Ask the Shyster: Rumors that John Black was being forced to murder Steve Johnson by the sketchy ISA has many Salemites asking if they can escape legal liability for a homicide by claiming that somebody, including the Devil, made them do it. Such persons should be aware that to successfully plead duress they must demonstrate that they were in were in danger of immediate deadly harm. Otherwise, they will probably be that big conviction that D.A. Trask has long been hoping for.
     
    Muzzaman, Just Samantha, Poirot and 1 other person appreciate this.

Share This Page