The Salem Shyster: Salem's Legal Newsletter

Here are a few highlights from the winter and spring issues of the Shyster.

I was a victim of the recent tainted biscuits incident. Because of the biscuits, I made a total fool of myself and have suffered severe emotional distress. Should I sue? You should consult an attorney, but on the face of it, you seem to have a good case. Be advised, however, that unless the offending bakery has deep pockets any judgment you win could be worthless. The sad truth is that in Salem the only people worth suing are the DiMeras and Kiriakises.

I need an attorney and keep seeing late-night ads for attorney Sloan Peterson who promises to fight harder for her clients. Should I hire her? Sadly, Salem is filled with incompetent lawyers. If you need help choosing an attorney, we suggest that you use the Bar Association’s attorney referral service. It will help you avoid the local legal duds.
 
The summer issue of the Shyster contains these important notices for local attorneys.

"Members of the bar are reminded that paternity fraud is a serious matter and that any attorney who is found to have engaged in the favorite Salem sport of faking paternity results will be disbarred."

"Attorneys are again reminded that it is unethical to accept legal employment in an area of the law that one is not qualified to handle. Too many local attorneys think they can handle everything from house closings to major murder trials. Don't be like the ignorant, irresponsible local attorney who once sent two Salem residents to far-off Alamania to get a divorce because they were married there."
 
The fall issue of the ”Shyster” contains the following important, timely notice for all local attorneys: “The kidnapping of infants, baby switching, and paternity fraud have become so common in Salem that some might forget how serious these crimes are. They are all serious felonies and any attorney convicted of them will be immediately disbarred and sentenced to prison. We should also add that some of Salem’s leading felons, including Creepy Clyde Weston and awful Orpheus hold lawyers in low regard and will see to it that that they do truly hard time.”
 
The following editorial appears in the spring issue of the “Shyster.”

EJ and Paulina Must Go. Members of the bar had few hopes for Mayor Paulina Price based on her past performance as a high-volume real estate developer who plotted to replace the historic town square with a squalid discount mall. Sadly, the new mayor quickly lived up to our low expectations by appointing Mr. Elvis “EJ” DiMera district attorney. Bar members were aghast at this preposterous choice because Mr. DiMera was long the servile son of the late criminal mastermind Mr. Stefano DiMera, was once the paramour of the notorious Ms. Sami Brady, and as has himself been repeatedly investigated for corrupt activities. Mr. DiMera has wasted no time in demonstrating his unfitness by using his office to persecute a hapless teen, Tate “Tater Tot” Black, and reformed criminal turned loving husband and father, handsome hunk Mr. Alexandros Kiriakis. Now that former Mayor Carver has regained his memory, we urge Mayor Price to immediately resign in his favor. Once back in office, Mayor Carver would appoint a new district attorney who would crack down on DiMera criminality, including Mr. Stefan O. DiMera’s ties to drug lord Clyde Weston and his shameless attempts to gain respectability by illegally impersonating Doug from the Liberty Mutual commercials.
 
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