The Salem Shyster: Salem's Legal Newsletter

Recent events in Salem have caused the Salem Bar Association to publish a special supplement to "Ask the Shyster," a popular feature in its newsletter, the Shyster.

My obsessive ex-boyfriend is trying to blackmail me into marrying him. Would such a marriage be valid?
Don't worry, any marriage entered into under duress can be annulled.

I occasionally bend the law for my own benefit if you know what I mean. Should I worry that faked evidence concocted by Hope Brady will get me convicted.
Fear not. Hope Brady's reputation is so sketchy that no jury would ever give any evidence that she claims to have "found" a moment's consideration.

I'm hoping that my boyfriend will propose, but worry that he might just drop me to go off on a mad quest to find his old true love. Could I sue him for anything?
Sorry, but the old so-called heart-balm causes of action, such as breach of promise were eliminated decades ago.

The mother of my beloved son, who has sole custody, now won't let me see him. What can I do?
Get yourself a good family lawyer. Unless you're a criminal or total weirdo, you should be able to get visitation rights.

I want a tough lawyer who will really put the screws to somebody that I want to sue. I called legal shark Ted Laurent, but all I get is his voice mail. What should I do?
Don't fret. Call the Salem Bar Association for a list of highly qualified, dedicated attorneys. And please don't call lawyers "sharks." It hurts our feelings.
 
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Recent developments have prompted the Salem Bar Association to publish a Halloween edition of the Shyster.

Missing Lawyer Service: Attorney Ted Laurent has been inexplicably missing for quite some time. His clients are advised that qualified members of the Salem bar are standing by to assist anyone who was counting on Mr. Laurent to handle their cases.

Ask the Shyster:
My husband and I have been having problems lately. Should I worry that he'll go get a divorce without notifying me?
Don't worry, Abigail Deveraux's instant divorce from her husband, Chad, was a DiMera only event. Matrimonial laws don't apply to the DiMeras, but in any other divorce case, a spouse has to be notified that his partner is seeking a divorce.

I am a wealthy, eccentric woman of advancing years. I know that my faithless family can't wait to get their grubby paws on my estate. Should I worry that they will have me declared incompetent so they can steal my money.
You can relax. Nobody can be declared incompetent without a thorough examination of the circumstances. Mere statements by your greedy relatives would not be sufficient. A competent, trained mental health professional would have to evaluate you. If you are as sane as you say you are, Bayview or Shady Hills will not be in your future.

My child wants to dress as Mummy EJ for Halloween. Could Sami Brady sue me or my child for something?
Your child's choice of costume might be considered tasteless, but EJ DiMera's new mummy look is not protected intellectual property nor does your child intend to actually impersonate him as Hattie Adams and Bonnie Lockhart did when they pretended to be Dr. Marlena Evans and Ms. Adrienne Kiriakis. Your only risk is to be on the wrong end of a traditional Sami Brady screechathon.
 
The Salem Bar Association has published its Christmas edition of its informative newsletter, the Shyster.

Missing Attorney Spotted: Long-missing attorney, Ted Laurent, was spotted recently on Smith Island sharing quarters with the famous Horton Cabin Raccoons. Until Mr. Laurent actually resumes his law practice, members of the bar are still available to handle the legal affairs of his clients.

Ask the Shyster.
My lawyer is a real lowlife whom I suspect wants me to falsely confess to a crime so the cops can arrest me. Can he do this?
Relax. Not only is nothing you tell your attorney admissible in court, if he reveals anything to the police, he'll be on the road to disbarment.

I have temporary custody of the orphan girl of my darling, deceased eggbaby. An angry, unshaven man wants custody because he says that her late mother wanted to him to raise the child. Certain misguided people are pressuring me to let him have the darling child.
Stand your ground. Mr. Needs-a-Shave has no rights to the child. Her guardian should be determined by the Salem courts, which would use the best-interests-of-the-child standard.

I am the owner of one of the finest restaurants in Salem. Recently, I refused service to a young man because he is a serial killer. Now, a certain lawyer whom I know (let's call him "Dustin") says that I might be facing a discrimination suit. Should I worry?
You need not fret. "Dustin" a typical Salem know-nothing attorney. Serial killers are not in a protected class and you are free to deny them service.
 
With the New Year, the new issue of the Shyster contains the Salem Bar Association's 2018 awards for legal non-achievement.

Biggest Shyster: Ted Laurent for actually conspiring with the police commissioner against his client.

Most unusual legal specialty: Carrie Brady Reed for her lost-cat law practice.

Biggest courtroom bungler: Justin Kiriakis for his inept handling of a child custody case in which the judge remarkably ruled that the birth mother and the biological mother were both unfit parents.

Lifetime nonachievment award: EJ "The Mummy" DiMera for using his meager legal talents solely to advance the interests of his career-criminal father.

Most aggressive courtroom manner: D.A. Melinda Trask whose whole approach to her prosecutorial duties is that all accused persons are presumed guilty.

Most pliant jurist: Judge Karen Fitzpatrick who has never ruled against the interests of the DiMera crime family.
 
Recent questions from concerned Salemites have prompted the Salem Bar Association to publish a special edition of the Shyster, consisting entirely of the "Ask the Shyster" column.

Q: My husband blackmailed me into marrying him. Can I have this awful marriage terminated so I can marry my true love.
A: If you did not give proper consent, you can have your marriage annulled. Just make sure you hired a qualified matrimonial attorney, not one of those lost-cat lawyers who meet with their clients in the Town Square or Doug's Place.

Q: If somebody dies in my house, can I avoid the resulting fuss by simply hiding the body somewhere?
A: If you're concealing a crime, it's a serious felony. Simply hiding the body is a lesser offense. That said, we strongly advise you to call the authorities and have them remove the deceased. Contrary to rumor, most dead persons do not walk out of the University Hospital morgue.

Q: My former attorney is conspiring against me with the police. Can I do something about this?
A: If the attorney is using facts that he learned while representing you, call the Bar Association immediately. If his offense is serious enough, he could be disbarred. Unlike the Salem P.D., the Bar Association takes its responsibilities seriously.

Q: The police are constantly arresting me for crimes that I could not have committed. Can i put a stop to it?
A: If you believe that your civil rights are being violated, get a good lawyer. An alternative approach would be to rescue the commissioner's daughter from certain death.

Q: Now that D.A. Melinda Trask has resigned, will the Bar Association assist Mayor Carver in choosing a replacement?
A: We've given up on this years ago in disgust. Just look at the past several district attorneys. If we'd played a role in the selection process, do you think that any one of them would have been appointed?
 
The Shyster has published another special issue with an editorial response to the appointment of shyster Ted Laurent as district attorney.

SALEM NEEDS AN HONEST, COMPETENT D.A.
The Salem district attorney's office has long been a dumping ground for the least able members of the Salem bar as illustrated by the most recent persons to hold the position.
  • Charles Woods: He was so befuddled and incompetent that it's a miracle that he could find his way to a courtroom. His most notable accomplishment was neglecting his adopted son, Chad.
  • Aiden Jennings: This Pacific Northwest import disgraced the bar by attempting to strangle his new bride. Almost as bad was his involvement with the infamous DiMeras, which led to him being held captive by them with only a dead bird for company. While in office, he used his position to further his own personal agenda.
  • Justin Kiriakis: His brief stay in office was marked by the same overall ineptitude he has shown in the courtroom while attempting to represent friends and family, who appear to be the only persons who will engage his legal services.
  • Melinda Trask: As D.A. she had ferocious bark, but a feeble bite, having no major convictions to speak of. Her brief, disastrous mayoral campaign was a perfect example of her ineffectiveness.
  • Ted Laurent: His appointment is the latest black mark on Salem. This man's breaches of legal ethics have been so numerous that it's a mystery why he hasn't been disbarred.
We urge Mayor Carver to break with tradition and appoint an honest, competent person as district attorney. We note that this description does not fit lost-cat lawyer Carrie Reed, Elvis J. DiMera aka "Mummy EJ," or Belle Black whose legal skills are almost as bad as her parenting abilities.
 
The summer issue of the the Salem Bar Association's newsletter, The Shyster, has now appeared, weighing in on timely Salem legal topics.

Editorial: POLICE COMMISSIONER EVE DEVERAUX HAS TO GO.
Even those who didn't expect much from Salem's new mayor, Jack Deveraux, had to be appalled his appointment of his utterly unqualified wife, Eve Deveraux, to replace Hope Brady as police commissioner. Ms. Brady left a lot to be desired as commissioner, but the nepotistic appointment of Ms. Deveraux is a very bad joke. She knows less than nothing about the law and has absolutely no experience in law enforcement. Even worse, rumors are swirling that she is using her office to implement her own personal agenda and not to protect the interests of Salem's citizens. The entire Salem Bar demands that Eve Deveraux be replaced immediately. Impeaching Jack Deveraux might not be a bad idea too.

Ask the Shyster:
Q: A certain woman is spreading very ugly truths about me. Could I successfully sue her for defamation?
A: No way. In defamation cases, truth is a complete defense.

Q: I was fired from my new big executive job just because I rarely came to work and failed to complete my first big assignment. Should I sue for wrongful termination?
A: Don't bother. With your work record, it's amazing that you lasted as long as you did.

Q: I am a dedicated Salem police officer who was just threatened with immediate, arbitrary termination by the commissioner. What are my rights?
A: Contact your union representative immediately. You most definitely do not serve at the commissioner's pleasure and have the right to due process in an employment action.
P.S., If the commissioner is a certain Eve Deveraux, call us. We can get you the best labor lawyers in the state.
 
The Fall issue of the Shyster is now available.

THE BAR MARKS THE UNTIMELY PASSING OF ATTORNEY TED LAURENT
Attorney Theodore "Ted" Laurent became the latest victim of DiMera-inspired violence when he was allegedly shot during a struggle with Mr. Tony DiMera. Before his death, the ethically-challenged Mr. Laurent had unwisely become involved with some mad scheme involving the infamous Kristen DiMera. His demise should serve as a warning to all members of the bar never to become involved with Salem's most notorious crime family. Representing any member of this family is not only the road to professional ruin, it can be a life-ending mistake.

MELINDA TRASK NAMED DISTRICT ATTORNEY
There has been remarkably little of a positive nature to report on the mayoralty of Mr. Jack Deveraux, which has been marked by one misstep after another, most notably, the farcical appointment of his now-estranged wife, Ms. Eve Donovan as police commissioner. In a remarkable turnaround, the mayor has now renamed Ms. Melinda Trask, the hard-charging, tough-as-nails prosecutor, to be Salem's district attorney. Hopefully, the Salem Police Department will pull itself together at last and provide Ms. Trask the support she needs in her battle with Salem's infamous criminal classes.

Ask the Shyster:
Q: Recently Eve Deveraux waved aside her confession as mere hearsay evidence. Is she correct?
A: As usual, Ms. Deveraux is way off-base. Technically, a confession is a form of hearsay, but it is still admissible in court.

Q: How did Kristen DiMera ever get full immunity for her many crimes?
A: This is another example of the travesties of justice that are all too common in Salem. Mayor Deveraux usurped the district attorney by granting this unheard of grant of immunity. This bizarre action is just the sort of thing that has members of the legal profession laughing at our community.
 
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The winter issue of the Shyster has now been published.

JUDGE KAREN FITZPATRICK VOTED WORST JUDGE BY ASSOCIATION
After a poll of experienced members of the Salem Bar Association, Judge Karen Fitzpatrick has been voted the worst judge on the Salem bench. She is regarded as rude, impatient, ignorant of the law, and in the pocket of the DiMera family. We urge the state Judicial Ethics Commission to take a closer look at Judge Fitzpatrick. Of all the rotten apples who preside over Salem courts, she is the worst.

SALEM P.D. NEEDS A THOROUGH HOUSECLEANING
The inept Salem P.D. has long been a blot on our city's reputation and things have only gotten worse during the latest term of Ms. Hope Brady. It was always an embarrassment that Salem had an ex-convict as a police commissioner, but in her latest term, Ms. Brady is not even making a pretense of doing her job. She needs to be removed immediately and Mayor Carver has to launch a nationwide search for a competent law-enforcement professional who will give Salem the police force that it needs and deserves.

Ask the Shyster
Q: In an effort to protect an esteemed family member from prosecution, members of our family conspired to frame an unwanted in-law for the crime. If we're found out, will we face criminal prosecution?
A: Yes. You and your co-conspirators could be charged with filing a false police report and obstructing justice.

Q: I'm on death row after my attorney lost my last appeal. He argued that circumstantial evidence wasn't sufficient to convict me of a notorious murder. Unlike virtually all inmates in state prison, I'm really innocent. What are my options?
A: Your attorney sounds hopelessly incompetent and needs to take remedial law courses offered by the Bar Association. We advise you to contact the Salem University School of Law Innocence Project. If you're as innocent as you say, these hardworking, knowledgeable students under the leadership of expert law professors can set you free.
 
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The spring issue of the Shyster has now been published.

JAMES GIDDENS SHOULD BE REMOVED AS DISTRICT ATTORNEY IMMEDIATELY
As district attorney, James Giddens more resembles a starved piranha than an officer of the court. He seems to forget that his job is to seek justice rather than to ferociously seek convictions. At the same time, he seems strangely oblivious to serious, blatant criminal acts.
  • He sought to convict Mr. Benjamin Weston for the murder of his sister, Ms. Jordan Ridgeway, on the thinnest of evidence and then compounded his malfeasance by seeking and obtaining the death penalty from a typically clueless Salem jury.
  • He has granted bail to Mr. Christian Maddox (aka Evan Frears) who is now charged with the murder of Ms. Ridgeway although the evidence against him is arguably stronger than any evidence he offered against Mr. Weston.
  • Although there is an open-and-shut case of kidnapping against Mr. Maddox, there have been absolutely no charges brought against him for this crime.
  • He failed to charge Ms. Kristen DiMera with either murder or manslaughter in the death of Ms. Haley Chin despite the fact that there was ample evidence to support either charge.
  • He agreed to a bizarre deal in which all criminal charges against Ms. Gabriella Hernandez were dropped if she donated bone marrow to a sick infant.
Ask the Shyster
Q; I recently printed up a divorce decree for my true love and had it notarized. Did this terminate her unsatisfactory marriage and are we now free to marry?
A: Your so-called decree isn't worth the paper it's printed on, and if your so-called true-love attempts to marry you (assuming that she's of sound mind), she will be guilty of bigamy.

Q: I was recently involved in a baby switch so that my true love would have a child to replace the one who tragically died soon after its birth. By doing so, we have rescued the switched child from its parents, a father who is a total imbecile and a mother who is a criminal psychopath. Is what I did legally justifiable?
A: You are guilty of child substitution, which is a crime. The alleged total unfitness of the real parents is irrelevant. If they are as bad as you say they are, a responsible party should bring a court action to have them both declared unfit. If that occurs, the child can then be placed in a suitable home.
 
Thanks to the vacation season, the summer issue of the Shyster has just been published..

SALEM BAR RENEWS CALL TO REFORM COURTS. The recent Baby Boy Horton custody hearing again illustrated the need to reform Salem's sorry judiciary. Judge Rose Duncan allowed the proceedings to become a circus in which the infamous Sami Brady was the ringmaster. The judge did start on the right note when she noted that the standard for a custody decision was "the best interests of the child," only to base her decision on the fact that Ms. Brady was the child's closest living relative. The quality of Salem's judges has long been in question and this custody hearing serves to emphasize this fact. Salem needs better, more qualified judges now!

GRANTS OF IMMUNITY ARE OUT OF CONTROL. Granting accused persons immunity for their testimony is a well-established practice in our nation's courts, but should be kept within reasonable limits. The recent grants of immunity to Gabriella Hernandez and the infamous Kristen DiMera went far beyond reasonable limits and crossed the line into absurdity. At most, these known felons might have been offered some leniency in sentencing, but total absolution was absurd and an insult to the law-abiding citizens of Salem.

Ask the Shyster:
Q: My spouse recently violated her duty as a police officer by aiding a wanted felon. Should I turn her in?
A: Your spouse should be charged with aiding and abetting. However, if you came by this information as a part of your marital life, she can claim spousal immunity to keep you from testifying about her misconduct.

Q: My rich grandfather was recently stabbed by my beloved. He deserved it and I'm thinking of asking him to drop all charges. Is this a good idea?
A: Your manner of thinking is all too typical of Salem. Your homicidal beloved should be charged with attempted murder and by asking your uncle to now withdraw his complaint, you are arguably guilty of obstructing justice.
 
The latest issue of the Shyster has now been sent to all members of the Salem bar -- even Justin.

POLICE REFORM OFF TO A GOOD START. Reform of the trouble-plagued Salem P.D. is off to a good start with the appointment of former FBI agent, Rafael Hernandez, as commissioner. The new commissioner has already shown himself to be be capable of handling all sorts of touchy legal situations and dealing with Salem's often-bizarre citizens. As good a start as he's had, he still needs to address the problem of officers who spend too much of their work-time on personal problems, the practice of putting Mr. Shawn Brady on the force whenever he drops by Salem, and the wave of kidnappings that has plagued Salem for years. A start here would be strongly warning parents that infant kidnappings are rife in Salem and that they need to keep a close watch on their new children.

Ask the Shyster:
Q: Why hasn't anyone been arrested for the rape of Allie Horton?
A: As has been repeatedly explained to Ms. Horton and her perpetually-outraged family and friends, because the crime was allegedly committed in London, the Salem legal system has no jurisdiction. As for why the Metropolitan Police has failed to take up the case, the answer is that too much time has elapsed to be able to prove Ms. Horton's story.

Q: I've heard that the former DiMera family nanny is claiming that Jack Deveraux is her uncaring deadbeat dad. I'm certain that this wild tale is false. Can Mr. Deveraux take any action against the nanny.
A: If the story is false, Mr. Deveraux can start a slander action against the nanny. However, there may be a few problems. Mr. Deveraux reportedly has a messy past, so it could be argued that this latest story really hasn't harmed his reputation. The second is that the nanny appears to be a pauper so even if Mr. Deveraux wins his case he might not be able to collect a dime.
 
A new Shyster is now available at the Bar Association website.

SALEM STILL WAITS FOR MEANINGFUL POLICE REFORM

The appointment of Rafael Hernandez as police commissioner seemed to be a stop forward for Salem's famously inept force, but local citizens are still waiting for improvement. The commissioner himself has raised doubts by starting a relationship with former mob princess Ava Vitali, who was responsible for the tragic death of the beloved Shawn Brady. The younger Shawn is mysteriously still employed by the police despite the fact that he could decamp for Hong Kong at a moment's notice. Detective Eli Grant now seems more adept a losing his towel around the house than catching criminals. The only positive note is that his inept spouse, Detective Lani Grant, now seems to be devoting her time to child care, not helping the likes of the infamous Kristen DiMera escape custody. It's high time that Mayor Carver demand that Commissioner Hernandez make meaningful improvements now, especially because the infamous career criminal and onetime mummy EJ DiMera has unfortunately returned to Salem.

Ask the Shyster:
Q: My wife whose amnesia prevents her from remembering our courtship and wedding now wants a divorce. I'm still hoping to save our marriage. What are my legal options?
A: Amnesia is a form of mental illness and your attorney could argue that she is not competent to seek a divorce. In the meantime, have Dr. Marlena Evans see her ASAP.

Q: I've just learned that the city wants to take the my building, which contains several stores that I rent to retailers, so a private developer can redo the Town Square. Is this legal?
A: Under a 2005 Supreme Court decision a municipal taking that benefits a private party is allowed. However in the wake of this decision, many states strengthened private property rights. Check with your attorney on the situation in this state. You might have a good case. Good luck.

Q: Recently, I went along with a request to get rid of the body of a man who had died of a heart attack. Will I be serious trouble if the cops learn the truth?
A: You shouldn't be so accommodating. Improper disposal of a corpse is a low-level felony. That said, it's in your favor that the inept local justice system often fails to prosecute even major felonies so you probably have a good chance of escaping legal liability.
 
The fall issue of the Shyster is now available at the Bar Association website.

SALEM JUSTICE SYSTEM HITS NEW LOW

Salem has always been a difficult place for honest lawyers and judges and upstanding citizens. Now, word comes that Judge Smails allegedly dropped and then reinstated charges against a defendant at the request of career criminal and disgrace to the bar, EJ DiMera. It's high time that the judicial ethics committee begin an investigation of Salem's unethical and/or incompetent jurists. A thorough housecleaning of the infamous Salem bench is long overdue. As things stand, even a group of raccoon judges would be an improvement.

Ask the Shyster
Q: To protect my girl friend's rep with her father I made up a false story about being a drug dealer. Now I've been arrested on the basis of this fictional tale. What gives?
A: You should be OK. Once it's established that there isn't a shred of evidence showing that you were a drug dealer, you'll be a free man.

Q: A woman from my past was about to shoot me through a pillow. I grabbed her arm and the gun went of, killing her. Now, I've been charged with the shooting and locked up.
A: You'll be out soon. Once the Salem P.D.'s fumbling forensics unit shows that your enemy fired the fatal shot and that the bullet passed through a pillow, charges will be dropped.

Q: Help! My beloved husband voluntarily committed himself to Bayview. Now his psychiatrist won't even let me see him, much less agree to his release.
A: See your lawyer immediately. Since your husband voluntarily committed himself, this psychiatrist would have to go to court to prevent his release. Since this hasn't happened, the chances are good that your husband will soon be out of Bayview.
 
The winter issue of the Shyster is now available.

SALEM JUSTICE SYSTEM -- AGAIN

In the last issue, we decried the awful state of the police, bench, and bar in Salem. Since then, things seem to have gone from bad to worse. Once again, authorities have failed to keep archcriminal Kristen DiMera behind bars, meaning that nobody in Salem is safe from her sick plots. And just when it seemed as if EJ DiMera might finally face justice, his trial devolved into a farce, with both attorneys, the judge, and the defendant making fools of themselves. If only Mayor Carver would get his personal affairs in order, he might be able to turn his attentions to badly needed reforms.

Ask the Shyster
Q: What was so bad about the EJ trial.
A: Everything. The career-criminal defendant chose to take the stand, allowing the district attorney to turn him into hash. His defense attorney failed to call key witnesses and didn't effectively cross-examine Chad DiMera. Finally, the judge convicted Mr. DiMera without virtually no evidence to support his decision. Instead, the defendant lost on the dubious supposition that if he'd kidnapped Sami Brady before, he must have done it again.

Q: There's a rumor going around that certain persons are wearing masks that make them look exactly like other Salemites. Is this legal?
A If it's part of a criminal enterprise, it most certainly is. This includes attempting to make it seem as if a kidnapping victim is safe and sound.

Q: Dr. Marlena Evans was supposedly possessed by the devil recently. Is this a crime?
A: According to reliable accounts of the kidnapping, all sorts of criminal acts were involved. Unfortunately, Satan, like Kristen DiMera, is beyond the reach of the Salem legal system.
 
The spring issue of the Shyster is now available.

D.A. TRASK MUST GO!

When Melinda Trask was first named district attorney, she seemed to be just what Salem needed -- an aggressive prosecutor who would finally bring the elusive members of Salem's notorious criminal class to justice. Now, however, Ms. Trask's rash, conviction-hungry tactics are embarrassing our city. Her vaunted conviction of EJ DIMera now seems certain to be overturned because Ms. Trask used obviously questionable evidence. Most recently she prosecuted Police Commissioner Rafael Hernandez using sketchy evidence provided by career criminals. It's about time that Mayor Carver consulted with the Bar Association so that Salem can have an honest, effective district attorney.

Ask the Shyster.

Q: I've heard that University Hospital wants to fire the distinguished psychiatrist Dr. Marlena Evans merely because she was allegedly possessed bythe devil. Can they get away with this?
A: If they are violating Dr. Evans's contract, she may have a case for wrongful dismissal.. She might also want to look into sex discrimination. After all, male doctors who engage in questionable behavior have long been tolerated at the hospital. Recall that the late Dr. Daniel Jonas was infamous for visibly drooling at the sight of attractive women patients and reportedly didn't receive so much as a reprimand.

Q: Last week, I was shocked to see shoddy copies of my fine women's fashions on sale at Discount Dave"s Clothing Warehouse here in Salem. Is there anything I can do?
A: Unless these copies are being sold as coming from your fashion house, you have no cause of action. Fashions are not copyrightable.

Q: I was just fired from my executive position at DiMera Enterprises by that infuriating upstart CEO, Gabi Hernandez. Do I have a cause of action?
A: It's well known that all DiMera employees serve at the pleasure of the CEO, meaning that you have no legal recourse. If you wish to get even, you will have to rely on private revenge, for which certain Salemites are very well known.
 
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The recent summer issue of the Shyster included a welcome for new attorney Sloan Peterson.

Members of the Salem Bar extend a warm welcome to newcomer Ms. Sloan Peterson. No stranger to our community, Ms. Peterson is a graduate of Salem High, Salem U., and Salem University School of Law, Class of 2019. She finished next to last in her law school class and failed the bar exam four times before passing. At the Law School, Ms. Peterson distinguished herself by attending nearly all wine and cheese parties, being on academic probation for three straight semesters, and for being a founding member of the Future Mouthpieces Legal Society. Reliable reports indicate that she will be doing some heavy lifting in her first case, acting as attorney for the unpopular and eccentric Mr. Leo Stark. To succeed, she will have to overcome her own client's notoriously poor judgment, the bizarrely incompetent Salem P.D., the bumbling local judiciary, and salivating legal barracuda D.A. Melinda Trask, who allegedly will do anything to get a conviction. We wish her well.
 
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