Act IV
Cast of Characters:
Snow White - Chloe
Evil Queen - Kate
Prince - Brady
Sneezy - Max
Sleepy - Daniel
Dopey - Lucas
Doc - Dr. Baker
Happy - Philip
Bashful - Will
Grumpy - Victor
Scene I
THE DWARF’S CABIN
Sleepy: How is she, Doc?
Doc: She’s gone.
Dopey: Where did she go?
Doc: No, you imbicile! She’s dead.
Happy: Oh no, not Snowy!
Sneezy: Are you crying, Grumpy?
Grumpy: Oh shut up!
Bashful: You don’t look very happy, Happy.
Happy: I may never smile again.
Scene II
Molly the Narrator: And so it came to pass that the dwarfs fashioned a glass coffin for Snow White that was climate controlled to keep her body cool and fresh as a daisy. It also had digital cable TV and Musak. The seven dwarfs held a truly lovely memorial service for Snow White and left her coffin on display in the front yard so others in the community could come pay their respects.
Scene III
Molly the Narrator: Lo, a few days later, a handsome young prince whose Beemer (no, not Brandon) had a flat tire, came by and happened to notice the glass coffin on the lawn.
Prince Brady: What do we have here? Oh my stars. This dead beauty bears an uncanny resemblance to my first wife. She also had that deer-in-the-headlights look.
Molly the Narrator: He gently lifts the lid to the coffin, startling the dwarfs inside the cabin. The seven dwarfs make their way outside and see Prince Brady kiss Snow White.
Sleepy: Hey, that’s MY woman! Now cut that out!
Molly the Narrator: Suddenly, inexplicably, Snow White’s eyelashes start to flutter. She opens her eyes and sees Prince Brady standing over her.
Snow White: Hi, handsome. Come here often?
Prince Brady: My name is Prince Brady Black. What’s your name?
Snow White: Snow White.
Molly the Narrator: Prince Brady lifts Snow White out of the coffin and carries her toward his Beemer. The Queen, who has been hiding behind a tree, suddenly appears.
Queen Kate: Where do you think you’re taking her?
Prince Brady: Who the hell are you?
Snow White: That’s the evil Queen Kate I was telling you about. She’s made several attempts on my life already!
Molly the Narrator: Grumpy and Dopey head for the well to fetch a pail of water.
Grumpy: I’ve been wanting to do this for years.
Molly the Narrator: Dumpy and Gropey ... I mean Grumpy and Dopey dowse evil Queen Kate with the bucket of water.
Queen Kate: Help, I’m melting. Oh the humanity. Oh, my hair. I’ll get you my pretty ... if it’s the last thing I do. And your mangy dog too.
Molly the Narrator: The evil queen goes up in flames, then melts into a big fat puddle of nothing.
Prince Brady [to Snow]: Are you ready to go?
Snow White: You betcha. Can we stop at MacDonalds? I’m starving.
Molly the Narrator: Prince Brady changes the flat tire and off they go, as the dwarfs bid them fare thee well.
Scene IV
Molly the Narrator: Soon afterward, Snow White and Prince Brady Black were married with all the dwarfs serving as groomsmen. Brady and Snowy opened a chain of clothing stores called “Black and White Boutiques,” with the flagship store located in the old Titan Coal Mine. The Prince and Snow White hired the dwarfs as sales clerks.
And they lived happily ever after ... well, all except for Grumpy, who’s never happy unless he’s grumpy. The end.
Molly the Narrator: Tune in tomorrow for a most amusing and unusual Epilogue. It’s worth taking time out of your day to tune in. In fact, you’ll be sorry if you don’t!
Dorkay: I told you to quit being such a drama queen!
Molly: Oops, I didn’t realize you were still there, Dick. Sorry. Anyways, tune in tomorrow for the Epilogue.