"Dear Ruffles McRed"....an advice column by Maggie

Dear Ruffles McRed,

I love to bake, but on one occasion a woman who sampled some of my brownies went into a coma and almost died. Ever since, nobody wants to try my tasty treats. How can I get them to change their minds? Please help.

Blue Chunk

Dear Blue Chunk,

What a sad story. Perhaps you should try some of the recipes available at the Ruffles McRed website. When others learn that you're baking the Ruffles McRed way, they will be beating a path to your door. And if anyone still gets sick, never fear. My brilliant egg-baby doctor son will have them back on their feet in no time.

Helpfully, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ms. McRed...why don't you just check with your lovely little Jennifer?? She bakes a mean donut!! Makes you laugh until you cry for no reason at all!!
:wine:
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

My daddy's old girl friend has been really, really mean to him. I still pretend to like her, but what I want to do is kick her in the shins. What do you think?

Little Man

Dear Little Man,

Usually, I insist that children avoid violence and respect their elders, but there are exceptions. My grouchy old coot of a soon-to-be ex-husband is one. If you ever see this mean, self-centered person, you can unleash your anger on him with my blessing.

Love, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

My little friend, who is a boy, gave me a big diamond earring yesterday. He said he found it by the river. Does this mean we are engaged?

Sincerely, Sparkles

Dear Sparkles,

Unless your little friend had it made into an exquisite ring and got down on bended knee, you are not engaged. You should ask someone to buy you a mate for that earring so you can have a matched set, though.

Cheers, Ruffles McRed

Reply from Sami Brady: Hey, Ruffles, you need to tell me the name and address of the person who wrote that letter....NOW... or I will HATE you.
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

There's this woman I used to love. Sometimes, I think I still do. Or at least, some people still want me to love her, saying we belong together, but I'm not so sure anymore. Anyway, this woman often transforms into a horrible beast who only wants to lash out. Compared to her, the King of Monsters, Godzilla, is a kitten I would gladly pet. And now, this shrew of a woman always tells me to stay away from her, but apparently, she feels the need to constantly come after me, asking me all kinds of questions, accusing me of all sorts of things, never letting me talk and...



Oh, you poor, poor dear... I'm sorry, I didn't get your name. Some people are like that, they can't seem to be able to listen to others, always cutting them off, judging, thinking they are better than anyone else. Please, don't let her put you down like that. If only you could meet my niece, but unfortunately, she's already meant to be with my wonderful egg baby, the miracle doctor. It's only a matter of time, I tell you, before these two patch things up again. Now... what was it we were talking about, I forgot ?

The always listening Ruffles McRed


Never mind... :rolleyes:

Falsely accused
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I understand you are a recovering alcoholic and try to help a lot of people with alcohol and drug problems. If I wanted help, could I trust you to keep my identity private? I have a step-grandmother who can't understand confidentiality.

Signed, Br Rich and all Alone

Dear Rich, are you Brady? Wait until I catch you when I start snooping around. Nothing gets past me.

Always on your back, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

Today, a girl I know started screeching the moment she saw me. Suddenly, she stopped and hugged me. I suspect that she mistook me for somebody else who's caused her serious trouble. I'd like to help. What do you suggest?

Best Bartender

Dear Best Bartender,

Being troubled is a way of life for long-suffering Salem women. Look at me. I believed that my old coot of a husband had changed, but it turned out that he was worse than ever. What heartache. As for your friend, I suggest that she see a good counselor. Despite once having been possessed, Dr. Marlena Evans at Salem University Hospital is the best person that I know. If she's not available because of the misadventures of her dysfunctional family members, have your friend write directly to me, the all-knowing and compassionate Ruffles McRed.

Very wisely, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I've just talked to this smart, handsome man with a British accent. I was so impressed that he'd read my late father's book. Everyone in Salem says that this man is evil, but he's so charming and refined that I'm drawn to him. What should I do?

Infatuated

Dear Infatuated,

Run for your life.

Sternly, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

After faithfully serving my "madame" for years, she tossed me aside for some disreputable Bollywood big shot. I became so upset that I acted up a bit and did things that sent me to State Prison. I badly miss the refined world that I lived in when I was with "madame." How can I cope?

Augustus

Dear Augustus,

You are probably better off where you are than with anyone known as "madame." I had an experience with a person who was called that and it wasn't pleasant I can tell you. Almost certainly this person wasn't worthy of your devotion, just like my inconsiderate old coot of a soon-to-be ex-husband did not deserve me and my wonderful home-baked cookies.

Merry Christmas, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed (in response to your response to augustus)

Perhaps if you would bake your cookies the way JJ bakes his doughnuts, you and your soon to be ex husband would be able to forget what your arguement was about in the first place and you wouldn't be so concerned with everyone else.

signed,

soon to be ex husband
 
Just Samantha said:
Oh boy... I smell new posts about Maggie appearing on various talk shows like Today, Good Morning America, Oprah, Katie, The Talk, The View, Maury Povich and last, but not least, Jerry Springer!
Click to expand...
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I just watched you on Jerry Springer and you were a refreshing break from the other guests, especially the foolish, drug-addled hunk who wanted to marry his father's old girl friend, and the smarmy guy with a British accent who was blaming all his mistakes in life on his "fatha." My problem is my favorite pub. The food is great, but the owner's friends and family are always parked in a booth having what are often nasty, too-personal conversations. It makes me lose my appetite. Please help.

Hungry

Dear Hungry,

I feel your hunger. Perhaps, you might try eating at home until things improve at your favorite pub. My website has suggestions for three-course meals that consist entirely of different kinds of home-baked cookies.

Bon appetit, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I'm a cute little pink backpack. I do my job, I mind my own business, but my little owner seems to think I'm some sort of evidence locker. I'm tired of holding all of her "secrets". I just want to go back to carrying around books, pencils, crayons and the occasional scrunchie or Barbie.

Please help me! Pinky

Dear Pinky,

You should be honored that your little owner is such a keeper of the secrets. Why, I know some backpacks that never get to have any secrets, they just get carried around and used in the regular humdrum ways, like a certain brown backpack with an "NF" identification tag. Now THAT backpack leads a very ordinary life with my loving nephew, just carrying his books and projects. I bet that backpack wished it had some secrets to carry around.

Carry on, Ruffles McRed

Reply from Gabi: OMG...she knows.... she knows.... she knows we....

Reply from Sami and Kate: She knows that we love our backpacks and treat them kindly, as well as keep our precious secrets in them. Why, they are like little jail cells, full of our secrets, right, Gabi???
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I was so relieved that even backpacks are allowed to write to you. Though I'm not a backpack, I'm a wonderful, handcrafted leather black doctor bag. And I've been sitting on the top shelf of a closet for months now, as this scruffy looking greenish backpack usually reserved for trekking expeditions where one has to carry protection as one may come in contact with wild animals or venomous insects and snakes. How do I get rid of this backpack so that I can take back my rightful place ?

Sincerely, Dan'.... I mean, Dr's bag

Dear Dr's bag,

I understand your frustration, but considering this doctor who owns you and your rival lives in Salem, maybe the backpack really does contain protection against wild animals and venomous insects. After all, we've had a tiger running around town once. And now, we have... well, let's just say some women whose venom is worse than that of a snake.

resigned to leave in Salem, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I seem to have a knack for finding incriminating evidence, it just falls in my lap. My mother never looks in my backpack, so I keep things there. My question is...should I keep my pink backpack?

Cia Just a Kid

Dear Just,

Hold onto that backpack! In Salem it is worth it's weight in gold! I can also give you a few pointers in keeping secrets, just send me a private message and tell me what you know...

Confidentially yours, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

My once-peaceful neighborhood is literally going to pot. My home in Salem Park is being overrun with teen pot sellers. There are also thuggish looking guys selling the hard stuff to muscular louts. Not only that, but some weirdo Brit was prowling around the other day pestering my feathered friends. Worst of all, three screechy women were tramping around raising a ruckus. I've considered moving to Florida, but the airlines won't sell seats to squirrels. What should I do?

Rocky the Squirrel

Dear Rocky,

Have you considered relocating to beautiful Smith Island? Nobody's bothered to close up the Horton cabin for the winter, so the place will be well stocked with peanuts, popcorn, and Cheetos. Also, spring comes early there. Last March, all the flowers were blooming. It's a regular Salem area paradise.

Cheerfully, Ruffles McRed

Reply from the Horton cabin mice and raccoons: Thanks, McRed. Just what we want -- squirrels moving in for the winter. P.S., we've already eaten all the Cheetos.
 
Dear Ruffles McRed...
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Curious..

Dear Curious...Actually, if you are thinking of Salem, you just might be awarded the key to the city, as it would be considered such a benefit to the town. Probably even a medal if you considered more than one (unfortunately, there are several who could use a good "knocking".

Hopefully, Ruffles McRed
 
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