Faux spoilers, part 9

DrBakerFan said:
Out on bail, Jan decides to relax at Salem Beach where she pigs out on hot dogs and Bud Lite. As she wolfs down her food, she is confronted by an infuriated Xander dressed in a Speedo bathing suit, who is furious about the killing of his favorite intern. Terrified, Jan runs into the lake, gets a cramp, and goes under. Will Jan drown or end up in a coma? Tune in for the next episode.
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I will send my stimulus check to the writers if they do this one! :rotfl:
 
Finally realizing that the viewers HATE Kristen, the writers float possible exits for the DiMera monster.

Infuriated at how Kristen exploited his clueless wife, Roger the Elvis Impersonator makes a citizen's arrest. After Kristen is convicted of her various crimes, Roger entertains everyone in the courtroom with his version of Jailhouse Rock.

After learning about all of Kristen's foul misdeeds, Brady decides that she needs a time-out, He then dumps her on the same island where he once deposited Vivian and Gus.

Ghost Stefano appears to Kristen and summarily expels her from the family. Kristen reacts so badly to being banished by a spirit that she ends up in Bayview.
 
Realizing that the new EJ isn't exactly a hit with the viewers, the writers float plot developments that will allow the audience to see him suffer all sorts of misfortunes.

Roman orders EJ out of the Pub. When he won't budge, Rafe and Lucas physically throw him into the street.

To safeguard Chad's position as CEO, Kate gives EJ some of her special brownies, which promptly put him into a coma.

EJ is outraged when he learns that the Shins have changed the definition of a true DiMera, which now excludes those who were resurrected under sketchy circumstances.

EJ is angered when Pub customers, Town Square passersby, and St. Luke's schoolchildren all start greeting him with, "Hey, King Tut" or "Yo, Mummy Man."

EJ's inflated ego takes a major hit when he and Xander walk into a top Salem club and all the hotties swarm to the muscular X-Man.

When EJ hears that Clyde has again escaped from prison, he panics, rushes back to the DiMansion, and hides under the bed.
 
After hearing from one too many Ben & Ciara fans, the writers float a spoiler that will bring them back together.

Ciara falls down the stairs in Theo's luxury condo in Johannesburg and is knocked unconscious. When she wakes, all her memories are back and all hell breaks loose. Among the more printable abuse that she hurls at Mr. Man-Bun are the following:
  • "OMG, how could you marry me when you knew I wasn't completely in my right mind?!"
  • "You had sex with me when I couldn't remember my wonderful Ben! You're a rapist, just like slimy EJ and Stefan!"
  • "Couldn't you have found a woman of your own, and not taken advantage of my condition?"
  • "You're just a creepy little pervert, just like Chase Jennings!"
  • "You're not half the man that Ben is! You can't even fix a motorcycle!"
  • "If my Dad was alive, he'd take you apart!"
  • "When my mother finds out about this, you'll be toast!"
  • "I want to fly back to Salem today, and you're paying for it if you know what's good for you!"
 
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Because they have forgotten it's the year 2021 and that DVR and on-demand viewing exists, the writers float some "exciting" spoilers to a popular soap mag:

Monday: When Sami finds her stolen letter is missing, she interrogates the matchbox, the poker, and the mantle as key witnesses.

Tuesday: While lamenting that Ciara has forgotten him, Ben spills ink on his shirt but can't find a quarter for the laundromat, forcing him to wander the town shirtless.

Wednesday: Paulina researches local zoning laws to prove she had the right to her town square renovation. Claire uploads a new song to a social media site over a slow connection.

Thursday: Chanel and Allie are stunned to discover that Tripp has stolen their baking powder to make muffins for his new supervising doctor.

Friday: A mysterious lurker listens to Sami berating the match for not burning the paper quickly enough.
 
The excitement in Salem is spreading through the soap press as sites compete to get the juiciest spoilers. The writers slip these doozies for the week to a social media soap influencer with thousands of followers:

Monday: Lucas asks Roman if he's really that easy to read and gets invited to a retired cop poker game.

Tuesday: Belle waits for a review panel ruling on her disbarment.

Wednesday: Philip shops online for another frame for a gift for Chloe.

Thursday: Brady talks to the scratched picture of Chloe about how bad Kristen is and how he thought he cured her.

Friday: Ben does his laundry while Chanel waits for the bus so she can get more baking powder; Abe calmly explains his reasoning to the city council over Zoom.
 
Upset that the viewers seem to hate the new EJ, the writers float a spoiler in which he is laid low.

Gabi unleashes her charms on EJ who quickly cavorts with her on a conference table.
Sami walks in on them. Infuriated, she takes EJ's money and his latest race car and starts divorce proceedings so she can marry Lucas..
Learning of EJ's tryst with Gabi, Li Shin invokes the morals clause in his contract and fires him as CEO.
Penniless and jobless, EJ is forced to go home to mother, which means he moves in with Susan Banks and Roger the Elvis Impersonator.
 
Thinking that the viewers can't get enough of Susan Banks, the writers float some possible scenes that will expand her horizons.

When Susan hears how EJ has behaved since returning to Salem, she rushes over to the DiMansion to tell him that he's been mean, mean, mean.

While at the mansion, Susan tells Abigail that trashing the downtrodden Gwen was cruel, cruel, cruel.

Susan tells an angry Chanel that the pastries she bought at Sweet Bits were stale, stale, stale.

Susan starts having breakfast at the Pub and tells Roman that the choco puffs and breakfast burrito were yummy, yummy, yummy.

When Xander tells Susan about Trask stealing his money, she says, that the D.A. is crooked, crooked, crooked.

After hearing the story of Justin and Bonnie's relationship, Susan tells him that wedding Ms. Lockhart was foolish, foolish, foolish.
 
Thinking that the viewers just loved the unlikely scenario of good-guy Lucas kidnapping Sami, the writers conjure up more kidnappings involving the screecher.

Vivian kidnaps Sami and tells Mar-Devil that she won't release her daughter until she brings her beloved Stefan Zero back to life.

Thinking that Rafe is wasting too much time on Sami and EJ, Ava arranges for her to be kidnapped so her beloved will get some rest.

Johnny kidnaps his mother and says he won't release her until she puts up big bucks to support his movie projects.

Victor kidnaps Sami and Chloe, locks them both in a room in a deserted warehouse, and plans to keep them there until Sami drives Chloe so crazy that she'll need to go to Bayview, putting her far, far from Philip.
 
Foolishly believing that the viewers enjoy the return of long-lost characters like Jan Spears, the writers float a few possible returns.

Zombie Nick returns determined to ruin Gabi's plans for corporate glory. He also turns up at Doug and Julie's place so often that Doug begs his wife not to invite him over so much.

Dr. Nathan Horton answers Kayla's call for reinforcements. It isn't long before a jealous Trippy starts thinking about sabotaging his career.

Dr. Cameron Davis also returns to help Kayla. Chad soon becomes jealous of Abigial's interest in the doctor. While Chad frets, the doc thrills the ladies with his Office Billy Club stripper routine at Julie's club.

Dr. Fynn Johnson (Dr. Dingo himself) also returns to University Hospital and soon is wowing all the hotties in hospital gowns. He gets so cozy with some patients that Kayla begins to fret about the hospital being hit with sexual harassment suits. Worse, Philip suffers another fit of jealousy after learning that Chloe has consulted with the handsome Dingo.

Once again, Clyde is out of prison and headed for Salem. Ben and Ciara worry that the career criminal will take too much of an interest in his new grandchild.

.
 
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Want a zombie Love Doctor? Here you go, Jason.

One dark and foggy night, Father Eric is driving home from a St. Luke's Rosary Society meeting. He doesn't notice Zombie Daniel suddenly lurch across the street dressed in his scrubs, a stethoscope around his neck, and his mouth foaming at the thought of hotties in hospital gowns. After Father Eric's car strikes and "kills" Zombie Daniel, barracuda Trask files vehicular homicide charges against him. Belle takes Eric's case and she and Trask then file dueling memoranda with the Salem courts arguing over whether it's possible to kill a member of the undead. Meanwhile, Nicole rushes to console and defend Father Eric, which so enrages Sami that she forgets all about her plans to reunite with Lucas.
 
Realizing that the viewers have become heartily sick of Kristen, the writers float ideas that will get her off-screen for a while.

After learning the truth about Sarah, an angry Xander arrives at DiMera Island. The sight of an enraged X-Man causes Kristen to go into a catatonic state.

The clever Steve builds an escape boat from branches, leaves, string, and chewing gum. He and Kayla escape and direct law enforcement to the island. A deranged Kristen is eventually taken to a padded cell at Bayview.

Abigail manages to drug Kristen. While the DiMera witch slumbers, all her captives escape, leaving her alone on her tacky island with its dangerous demon goats.

Driven crazy by Sarah's chatter and Abigail's smart talk, Kristen finally kicks them off her island.

With her cheap plot against Rafe exposed, Ava tries to save herself by giving Melinda Trask all the dirt on Kristen, including the location of her secret island.
 
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Suddenly aware that the viewers hate it that Gabi schemed her way into the CEO's position at DiMera, the writers float spoilers in an attempt to show the audience that Gabi as CEO can provide some high points.
  • Gabi is mortified after she splits the seam of her too-tight dress during a big meeting with the Shins and the company accountant.
  • Annoyed with Gabi's schemes and her neglect of Arianna II, Will and Sonny try to get even by giving Leo a glowing recommendation for a big job at DiMera.
  • Gabi is furious when the Spectator names her the most unqualified CEO in Salem history, rating her far below Jake, Xander, and Ian McAllister.
  • Gabi is offended when the Salem U. Business School suggests that she could up her game by getting a quickie MBA degree.
  • After hearing about Kate's past poisonings of her enemies, Gabi hires a corporate food-taster.
 
Convinced that the return of Ghost Bo was a major hit, the writers float other scenes for him.

After hearing that Salem's crime rate is way up, Ghost Bo visits Rafe and offers to school his cops on the fine art of illegal break-ins.

Ghost Bo visits the Pub just so that he can hear Roman call him "little brother" again.

Upset that Hope hasn't been in Salem in ages, Ghost Bo vows to find his Fancy Face and straighten her out.

Ghost Bo looks up EJ so he can have the fun of once again calling him "Elvis Junior."

Outraged by Evan's role in tormenting Ciara, Ghost Bo tracks him down and threatens to "take him apart."
 
Thinking that the viewers really enjoy Sarah's fixation on Baby Mickey, the writers float some scenarios.

Xander's lies.
  • After Xander tells Sarah that Baby Mickey joined the circus, she rips into Maggie for letting her child make such a poor life choice.
  • When Sarah hears that Satan took Baby Mickey instead of Baby Bo, Sarah accuses Ben and Ciara of selfishly putting their child's interests first.
  • When Sarah is told that Baby Mickey has been SORASed and now does secret missions for Victor, she confronts ReRon and his writers because they wrote a plot that deprived her of her baby.
Blame the wrong person.
  • When Steve tells Sarah that Black Patch wouldn't be able to find Baby Mickey, she accuses him of being dazed and confused just like coma king John Black.
  • When Shawn informs Sarah that there's nothing the Salem P.D. can do about finding Baby Mickey, she angrily accuses him of caring more about Jan Spears and her baby than her own child.
  • When Victor says that Kiriakis operatives won't look for Baby Mickey, Sarah starts in again about how Maggie never should have married him.
 
The writers decide that it would be a great idea if ReRon himself visited Salem and interacted with the residents. They have now floated some possible scenes.

Roman complains to ReRon about the show being too cheap to hire enough extras to make the Pub look full. He also demands that he get some serious smooching in the near future.

Jenny angrily confronts ReRon about her daughter's cruel, bloody death.

A glowering Xander rips into ReRon about all the misery that has been heaped upon his beloved Sarah and the cruel treatment of his protege, Charlie Dale.

When Victor hears ReRon is in town, he gets off some one-liners that are even nastier than the ones he made up about Chloe, Nicole, and Eve.

John Black says to ReRon: "Most of your plots stink and that's a fact."

Steve angrily tells ReRon that it stinks that both of his sons have been sent away from Salem and that Kayla hasn't been made the head of University Hospital.

Justin and Belle threaten to sue ReRon because the scripts make them both so inept that they should go back to law school.

Susan tells ReRon that he's mean, mean, mean for not making her beloved baby boy the permanent head of DiMera Enterprises.
 
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