Letters to Salemites, Part 3

DrBakerFan

DrBakerFan

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Dear Mr. Hernandez,

None of us in the neighborhood were too pleased when former the homicidal mental patient, Jordan Ridgeway, moved in with you, but we tried to take a charitable attitude and give her a chance. Now however, we are all quite concerned. Two nights ago, she was in your backyard chanting some weird incantations and sticking pins into a doll labeled "Ciara," and last night she was out on the lawn literally baying at the full moon. Unless you do something about this, we will be forced to contact the proper authorities.

Your Neighbors

P.S., Say hi to your mami for us. We always enjoyed the smell of her cooking.
 
Dear Mayor Carver,

Congratulations on your appointment as interim mayor. Now that you are back in office, the Salem Civic Society demands that you address the following pressing problems.
  • Kristen DiMera is still free. We insist that you revoke former mayor Deveraux's bizarre grant of immunity and let D.A. Trask do her thing with this unspeakable criminal.
  • Gabi Hernandez is running amok. We've heard that this demented young women is even hatching sick plots against the talkative, but essentially harmless, Julie Williams. What hapless senior citizen will be her next victim? We insist that you take steps to have Ms. Hernandez sent to Bayview ASAP.
  • Jordan Ridgeway is baking poisoned cupcakes. This mental patient should never have been released. When will she start giving her toxic baked goods to tiny tots who are trick-or-treating? Get her back to Bayview immediately.
  • Dr. Rolf has returned: Why is this Teutonic lunatic not in jail? There are even rumors he's turned former police commissioner Hope Brady back into Princess Gina. Get Commissioner Eli Grant off his backside and have Rolf arrested now.
  • Eric Brady gives Salem a bad name: Tourists and business executives are reportedly avoiding Salem because they don't want to look at his glares, scowls, and pouts. If he appears on the streets, have the police enforce the vagrancy laws.
Yours truly,
Giselle van Hopper
President, Salem Civic Society; President, Salem Women's Club; President, Salem Improvement Society; President, Salem Historical Society; etc. etc.
 
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Dear Roman,

I was appalled yesterday when that blue-chunked horror of a waitress, Kate, threw some respectable young man out of the Pub the minute he walked through the door. This is no way to treat a customer. And she's not the only one. The expressions on Eric Brady's face on the rare occasions when he deigns to show up for his job would cause anyone to lose their appetite. And that nice young lady, Ciara, showed up so infrequently that she didn't know anything about the menu. This is a far cry from when the gracious Caroline Brady presided at the Pub. She even was polite to the awful EJ DiMera and could even make Wanchai Ferry seem like gourmet fare. You had best get your house in order before you face stiffer competition than that busybody Julie Williams's awful club or eating a meal in the middle of the uninspiring Town Square.

Sincerely,
Concerned Regular
 
Dear Mayor Carver,

Concerned Salem citizens are pleased that you have undone the damage caused by the absurd tenure of Mr. Jack Deveraux, but our inept police department demands immediate attention. Just like the dead fish in Salem Harbor rot from the head, the department's problems originate with Ms. Hope Brady.
  • It has been a long-running bad joke that our police commissioner was an ex-convict.
  • Salem's criminal classes continue to roam free because Hope Brady's police force is incapable of obtaining evidence.
  • She's been seen lurking around a warehouse in a sketchy part of town. Is she now on the take?
  • Commissioner Brady was always distracted by personal business, but she no longer even pretends to do her job. She's everywhere but her office puffing away on cigarettes.
  • She recently attempted to fire Detective Rafael Hernandez without due process. Just who does she think she is?
We insist that you begin a nationwide search for a replacement now. An outsider is essential. Nobody tainted by their association with Hope Brady's incompetent tenure can gain the confidence of Salemites.
Yours truly,
Giselle van Hopper
President, Salem Civic Society; President, Salem Women's Club; President, Salem Improvement Society; President, Salem Historical Society; etc. etc.
 
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Dear Mayor Carver,

How much longer must the decent citizens of Salem be forced to watch the loathsome Kristen DiMera walk the streets of our city? Yes, our feckless former mayor, Jack Deveraux, somehow absolved her of her past sins for his own selfish reasons, but that's now ancient history. If the police department is unable or unwilling to rid our community of the hideous Ms. DiMera, then call out the sanitation department to do the job. After all, it is their responsibility to rid Salem of garbage. The toleration of psychopathic career criminals in Salem must end -- NOW!

Firmly,
Giselle van Hopper
President, Salem Civic Society; President, Salem Women's Club; President, Salem Improvement Society; President, Salem Historical Society; etc. etc.
 
Dear Mayor Carver,

When will the city government put a stop to weddings in the Town Square? They inevitably end in disaster and are a disgrace to our city. The recent Grant-DiMera wedding fiasco should be the last straw. The all too common, inane disruptions have been bad enough, but when has a wedding ever ended with the prospective bride trying to kill the officiant with some type of electronic gadget, and then being hauled off to the city jail?

Angrily,
Giselle van Hopper
President, Salem Civic Society; President, Salem Women's Club; President, Salem Improvement Society; President, Salem Historical Society; etc. etc.
 
Dear Mayor Carver,

It has come to the attention of Salem's leading citizens that certain members of our police force are allowing civilians to accompany them while they conduct official business. Most recently, your daughter, the eccentric ex-nun, and her current love interest, Eli Grant, the former DiMera mansion flunky and Gabriella Hernandez sex toy, went with Commissioner Rafael Hernandez while he was investigating suspected murderer and kidnapper Evan Frears. This is highly improper, and not only makes our police force look more unprofessional than ever, but potentially exposes the City of Salem to civil liability. We demand that only police officers handle police business immediately.

Sternly,
Giselle van Hopper
President, Salem Civic Society; President, Salem Women's Club; President, Salem Improvement Society; President, Salem Historical Society; etc. etc.
 
Dear Kate,

As you may have heard, state prison has started allowing conjugal visits for inmates. I've heard that in addition to not having a decent job, you've been a trifle deprived in the love department lately. We once had a thing going, so how about a romantic reunion and a nice prison tryst? This would make an interesting addition to your bedtime resume.

How about it?
Clyde

P.S., say hi to my boy, Ben, when he gets out. I know he'd appreciate a kind word from anyone in Salem especially after his recent unpleasant experiences.
 
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Steve-ano is getting messages regarding the speedy rebuild of Maison Blanche.

Salem Buildings Department: Your new mansion was erected without any permits and may not be up to code. We demand that you immediately allow us to inspect the premises. We don't care who or what you'd got stashed in there, we must be allowed entry.

Salem Zoning Department: We need to inspect your new mansion to see if it meets the zoning regulations. If it doesn't, we may have to demand that your tear it down.

Salem Birdwatchers Society: Your ugly mansion is scaring away our favorite feathered friends. You stink.

Salem Fire Department: We need to inspect your new mansion to see if it complies with the fire code. The last thing we need in this town are more firetraps. The great tunnels explosion was bad enough. We don't need a local version of the great Chicago Fire.

New Orleans Mayor's Office: We are grateful that you have chosen to rebuild that gothic-style horror, Maision Blanche, in Salem, not our city. For years, our residents have feared that this eyesore could reappear to blight the New Orleans landscape and scare away the tourists. .
 
From Jonathan and Drew Scott, the Property Brothers: Please make sure everyone knows that we had NOTHING to do with this eyesore.

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Dear Mayor Carver,

Salem's best people were horrified to learn that you recently interviewed the unspeakable Kate Roberts to be your spokesperson. If our city is ever to improve its national image, we can't have this horrid creature, the personification of lies and deceit, as the face of Salem. We are also displeased to learn that Eli Grant, onetime DiMera flunky, and your surprise daughter, Lani Price, the washed-up faux nun, have been rehired by the Salem P.D. These two had thoroughly undistinguished police careers and nothing they did after leaving the force polished their resumes. Commissioner Hernandez needs competent officers, not two more glaring examples of the cronyism and nepotism that are all too common in Salem. Finally, when is the building department going to order the demolition of the grotesque Maison Blanche, which was hastily slapped together by the bizarre "Steve-ano?" Having the DiMera mansion in our city is bad enough. This second, even worse example of tasteless DiMera architecture, should be removed immediately.

Irately,
Giselle van Hopper
President, Salem Civic Society; President, Salem Women's Club; President, Salem Improvement Society; President, Salem Historical Society; etc. etc.
 
Dear Dr. Horton,

I have been informed that you verbally berated a patient, Mr. Victor Kiriakis, because of your personal issues with him. Be advised that we expect all our professional staff to behave in a professional manner no matter how they may feed about an individual patient. Your conduct was unprofessional and reprehensible and will not be tolerated. It's unfortunate that University Hospital is forced to hire semi-incompetent medical staff due to an inability to attract better quality personnel, but we cannot allow the willful mistreatment of patients. Please be advised that I will be convening a meeting of our disciplinary board to determine whether you should be terminated or disciplined.

Disgustedly,
Seth Burns
Chief Administrator
Salem University Hospital
 
Dear Eve,

If you want my continued services in the Ben case, you will have to give me a considerable raise. I never realized what an obsessed lunatic you were about Ben, how difficult he would be to brainwash, or that his bride's mother was skilled in martial arts. I met her today and before I could pull out my handy little police baton, she had my face pressed into the pavement. My esteemed mentor, Dr. Rolf, always warned me about taking on problem clients and right now you seem to fit that description. Contact me today about my increased fee demands or you can forget about turning Ben back into the necktie strangler.

Angrily,
Vincent
 
Dear Sarah,

I've learned that you have succumbed to the romantic advances of the so-called reformed Xander. May I remind you that a leopard can never change its spots. You should keep in mind that Xander was once involved in various types of smuggling, locked Eric and I in an overheated crawl space, kept us in a cage at his Greek villa, forced me to marry him, worked at Kristen's bizarre resurrection factory, shot Marlena at her wedding, and, as you know was involved in the Rachel/Mickey baby switch. (Yes, I know that I too was once a babyswitcher.) Please reconsider your relationship with Xander. You'll be glad that you did and it will make Eric happy (for one of the few times in his life).

Nicole

P.S., Please do something about your latest hairstyle.

Dear Nicole,

Wow, Xander has his own Greek villa! This sounds like great spot for a romantic vacation. Thanks for the tip.

Sarah
 
Dear Jenny,

What is wrong with you? Why is your paper publishing articles that are sympathetic to that monster Kristen DiMera after all the horror that she has visited on innocent Salemites over the years?? Don't you remember that she once stole my darling Tater Tot right out of my body while I was pregnant? I surely haven't. I'm not surprised that Brady is buying into her b/s -- I had Tater Tot with him so I know full well what a moron he is, but I thought you had some sense. In any case, you'd better wise up. As your clueless son, JJ, could tell you, I am an expert in messing with people's heads and causing them all sorts of trouble. If you don't start taking the right approach toward Kristen, your only worry won't be that the Intruder is crushing your sorry Spectator in the Salem circulation wars.

Angrily,
Jeannie Theresa Donovan
 
Hey stoopid Jenny,

Why are you shedding crocodile tears over that monster Kristen who has tormented my wonderful mother for decades? Good grief that odious creature killed your son's true love, Haley Chen. Some mother you are. As for your doody-headed husband, he ought to be ashamed of himself. He tormented poor Haley Chen to get elected mayor and now he's weeping crocodile tears over her killer. As for that baby whom everybody seems so worried about, that kid would be far better off being raised by raccoons instead of creepy, disgusting Kristen or the utterly brainless Brady Black. Finally, who told your trampy, loony, man-stealing daughter that she was a reporter? Don't you realize she couldn't string two thoughts together if her life depended on it?

Sternly,
Sami
 
Dear Victor,

It has come to my attention that one of Titan's recent hires may be a spy for the unspeakable Ava Vitali. As you may be aware, this isn't the only questionable hire made by Titan over the years. There was the blackmailer and grifter Leo Stark, the criminal in an expensive suit, Ian McAllister who is now deservedly residing in state prison, and your own career criminal brother, Deimos. Closer to home, your former gardener, Owen Kent, imprisoned Stephanie in a morgue. Finally, with all due respect, your matrimonial choices, which include Vivian Alamain, Kate Roberts, and Nicole Walker in her gold-digging years, have also been highly questionable. Since you obviously need better background checks on potential wives and employees, Black Patch's investigative services are the answer for you. Allow us to check such people out before they end up in the mansion, Titan, or your bedroom.

Give me a call ASAP. You'll be glad that you did.

Steve "Patch" Johnson
 
Dear Nanny Emma,

We've heard that you did a fine job nannying Tater Tot Black until his mother ran off to California with him. I currently have custody of twins whose mother is currently unable to care for them. I believe that you would be just the person to be a nanny to these unfortunate children. I can offer you a very substantial salary and good working conditions. If interested please contact me in complete confidence at bollywoodivan@comcast.com.

Sincerely,
I.M.

P.S., I can assure you these are not the recently kidnapped Grant twins, so there's no need to report this message to the Salem police.
 
Hey Ivan,

You moronic imbecile, what made you think that kidnapping some cops' newborn babies to give to my Madame was a good idea?! Now poor Madame has suffered the intolerable outrage of being handcuffed and dragged off to the tacky Salem police headquarters like a common criminal!! This foul deed must not go unpunished! When I get out of prison, which might just be quite soon, I will make sure that you will be the next murder victim that I leave in a Salem dumpster!

Irately,
Augustine "Gus" Pascal
Inmate No. 56843-026
 
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