Letters to Salemites, Part 3

Dear Mr. Lambert,

Several weeks ago, I brought my motorcycle to your shop for a tune-up and an oil change. You assured me at the time that the work would be done by the next day, However, every time I stop by, the lights are out and the place is locked up. What gives? I've heard rumors that you are now living in the DiMera house of horrors, playing at being a CEO, and bedding a woman old enough to be your mother, but this sounds like typical Salem fairy tales. Instead, I suspect that you are a typical feckless Salem incompetent. If I do not hear from you immediately, I will engage a real lawyer (not one of those in-crowd twits) to sue for the return of my motorcycle and ample monetary compensation for the inconvenience of not having it all this time.

Angrily,
Harley H.W. Davidson
41 Abandoned Cabin Drive
West Salem
 
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Dear Gabi,

Sonny and I have recently been receiving disturbing reports about your conduct; pointless arguments with that Jake DiMera and doing business with foolish, would-be money launderer Philip (are you trying to go broke?), but worst of all participating in a crazy kidnap plot with Abigail involving the former DiMera nanny? Who in the name of God kidnaps nannies? Aren't you aware that kidnapping is a major felony that could land you back in prison for a long time? Don't know these ill-advised Salem revenge plots almost always fail? Don't you have any consideration for your brother, Rafe, who would have to arrest his own little sister? If you don't straighten out, Sonny and I will be forced to sue for sole custody of Arianna. We're afraid that your bad influence will lead her astray. The Hernandez family has had two generations of criminals. It doesn't need a third.

Sternly,
Will
 
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Dear Mr. Kiriakis,

Please come back. All is forgiven including your unpaid room bill. Our female guests have been checking out in droves and moving to the local Marriott or Hilton. Their complaint is no longer seeing you in your Speedos at the Inn pool or in a towel when you step outside your room to pick up your complimentary daily copies of the Spectator and Wall Street Journal.

Sincerely
Manager
Salem Inn
 
Dear Ava,

I have learned that you are becoming involved with Salem's police commissioner, Rafael Hernandez. Before you get any further with this relationship, you might want to consider its effect on the good name of the Vitali family. Commissioner Hernandez's father is a former professional assassin, his brother is a cheap grifter and known associate of crooked technogeek Myron Radatz and the decidedly sketchy Psycho Summer Townsend, one sister was a failed petty drug dealer, and the other is an unethical businesswoman and overheated tramp with the sexual morals of an alley cat. Think about it.

Your cousin,
Angelo
 
Dear Father,

I just had the unfortunate experience of seeing all the "leading" DiMera family members sitting around the same table. They are truly a sorry lot, especially the "resurrected" EJ, who brings new meaning to the words slimy and smug. We need to immediately make some bylaw changes so somebody capable can be named CEO before it's too late.

Your son,
Li
 
Dear Rafe,

I'm between jobs and it occurred to me that despite some regrettable misdeeds in my past, I'd be a perfect fit for the Salem P.D. (After all, Bo Brady was an outright criminal and Hope was an ex-con when she became commissioner.)
  1. Thanks to my past associations with the narco king, the Noodle, and Kristen DiMera, I have unique insights into the criminal mind.
  2. My trademarked angry glower would reduce criminal suspects to quivering blobs of Jello.
  3. Unlike most people in this town, I actually show up for work. (Just ask Victor.)
  4. I won't periodically run off to Hong Kong or help Kristen escape.
  5. With my picture among the shirtless cops in the annual Salem P.D. calendar, you'd sell a lot more copies.
If you need a reference, check with Maggie Kiriakis. Mags knows all my good qualities.
Hope to hear from you soon.

Xander
 
Dear Mayor Carver,

GabiChic is one of Salem's leading companies and its business model consists of convincing women that tight, tight fashions are for them. Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that a horror named Calista Lockhart has come to town and is giving the tight-clothing look a decidedly bad name. Can she be arrested for vagrancy and run out of Salem?

Gabi
 
Dear Mr. DiMera,

Please stop sending us texts and emails asking us to appear in your new "film," begging for funding, or requesting that we promote your cinematic efforts. We are not in the habit of having anything to do with amateurish efforts that are barely one cut above home movies. Worse, your work appears to exploit a major tragedy that befell your long-suffering family, which is seriously tacky. If you're interested in movies as a career, you should try attending a university with a good film department where you'd actually learn something..

Johnny Damon, Robert DiNiro, Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep, and twenty-five other major Hollywood stars.
 
Dear Johnny,

I understand that you've been back in town for some time now, but I haven't heard from you. Have you forgotten that FBI jacket I gave you and all the good times that we had when I was married to your mother? Why don't you drop by the house sometime soon? If you're concerned about meeting Gabi, Jake, or Ava, you could come to police headquarters instead. Either way, I'd love to see you.

Daddy Rafe
 
Dear Chloe,

How do you like my ingenious plan to frame that woman-stealing wretch, Brady? Putting my blood all over the idiot and on that knife was a touch of genius, wasn't it? Don't worry, I really won't let the big dummy go to prison or the death house for my "murder." After he's suffered enough, I'll suddenly appear just like Jack once did when he fell into that cake. So, don't tell anyone our little secret, OK. That horn dog, Brady, badly needs to be taught that it's poor manners to move in on other men's love interests.

Love,
Your Clever Philip
 
Dear D.A. Trask,

It has come to my attention that you came to police headquarters to demand that two of my detectives arrest Brady Black for the supposed murder of Philip Kiriakis. Please be advised that my police officers answer to me, not you.. It's hard enough to keep up the morale of my officers in a criminal-friendly place like Salem. I don't need outside interference. If you want to get your kicks by loudly giving orders, go pick on one of your hapless assistant district attorneys.

Rafael Hernandez
Police Commissioner

P.S., my long experience in Salem suggests to me that the so-called evidence against Brady Black is a frame-up conceived by a member of his thoroughly dysfunctional family.
 
Dear Father Eric,

Congratulations on returning to the priesthood and successfully exorcising Marlena. Now that you've accomplished that important task, I am hoping that you might be able to exorcise my older brother, EJ, from the DiMera family. He represents all the worst aspects of the family dating back to the days of my infamous father, Stefano, and deranged brother Andre. As long as EJ is still around, the old DiMera ethic will prevail, not the new, modern, honest version that I'd like to pass on to my children. So, how about it? Can you exorcise EJ and send him where you sent the devil?

Thanks in advance,

Chad DiMera
 
Dear Leo ,

Much to my displeasure, I've learned that you're back in town. Be advised that I have had a tough time the past year and am in no mood for your nonsense. If you call me Xandy or try to give me another kiss, the results could be ugly.

I mean it.

Xander
 
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Here's what that scene would look like, with actor Christian Kane playing Xander. (from the TV show Leverage)

Imagine this happening in the Brady Pub and Leo walking in while Xander was sitting there (except Leo wouldn't fight back the way Sterling does in this clip, but you get the idea).

 
Good one, JS. However, Xander wouldn't need that many punches to shut up Leo. Just one would leave him comatose on the Pub floor. In the alternative, Leo would instantly find himself airborne, flying out the front door of the Pub. Either way, Leo would be lucky that his new true love is a surgeon who could put him back together.
 
To: F. Amalee Plotte, Salem Cemetery Administrator
From: Elvis J. DiMera, Esq.

Dear Ms. Plotte

I recently visited our family's mausoleum, which is the sacred resting place of my beloved father, Stefano DiMera, and other distinguished relatives. I was absolutely shocked to discover that it has been broken into and that my son and other young man were chained up inside. How could such a desecration take place? What kind of security do you provide at your cemetery? I will be replacing the mausoleum lock and making other needed repairs. The bill will then be sent to you. Unless it is promptly paid, you will become the object of a major lawsuit.

Angrily,
Elvis J. DiMera
Attorney-at-Law

P.S., you'd best pay up promptly. I own all the judges in Salem.
 
The following letter magically appeared on the chessboard in the DiMansion living room.

Dear Elvis,

The situation at the family company has become intolerable. I insist that you and your brothers, Chadsworth and Jacob, put aside your differences and oust the imbecilic Shins from the board and remove the scheming Gabriella Hernandez as CEO. This loudmouth's only talent is wearing too-tight dresses and her presence in the executive suite is a disgrace.

Other events, however, have pleased me. I heartily approved of your mother turning Andre's ghost into a pile of dust. He was always an embarrassment in life and now that he's dead, he's become far worse. I also applaud you for kicking Samantha Brady to the curb. That tainted Brady woman was never worthy of being a member of our family.

Best wishes,
Father
 
Dear Li,

I must thank you for your good work in dealing with pressing issues at DiMera Enterprises. That DiMera family can be very difficult to deal with. However, I must warn you about the moral peril that being in Salem presents. This wretched city is full of immoral liars and cheats who would stab their own mothers in the back to get ahead. I also must particularly caution you about any non-professional involvement with Gabriella Hernandez. She may be an adequate CEO, but she is also an unscrupulous tramp who has slept and schemed her way to the top. Any Shin is far too good for this type of woman.

Father
 
Dear Father,

I refuse to take advice from a man who accepted a board position from a murderous rapist and drug-runner who fathered children with over half a dozen women including his own sibling's spouse. Additionally, Gabriella is impressive as she came from very humble beginnings, unlike the late Phoenix whose ill-gotten wealth was largely inherited. I believe in her and her vision of a new DiMera company.

I never rebelled as a teenager, so consider this my rebellious phase if you must, you complicit apologist for DiMera atrocities.

bǎohuángdǎng

Li
 
Li,

I must insist that you return to Hong Kong at once. It's clear that you have spent far too much time in Salem. You not only have fallen into the clutches of the immoral, duplicitous founder of the tacky "GabiCheap" company, Gabriella Hernandez, you.ve blindly accented the grotesque caricature of Stefano DiMera that circulates among the dregs of Salem society. Mr. DiMera was a complicated man who believed above all in loyalty to his family, including its most unworthy members. On the subject of loyalty, I take strong exception to your description of my business relationship with Mr. DiMera. Before you indulge yourself further in your so-called rebellious phase, take time to consider where your inheritance will be coming from.

Sternly,
Father
 
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