Letters to Salemites, Part 3

Memo from Rafe to all members of the Salem P.D.

As you may be aware, several notorious career criminals who were pardoned by the governor have arrived here in Salem. I want these people off the streets now! I want them arrested and jailed for something, anything, even spitting or littering. And when it comes to this bunch, take a tip from the late Bo Brady and forget all about the Bill of Rights. Getting rid of the governor's list of lowlifes is a situation where the end most certainly justifies the means.
 
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Dear Lucas,

I've been so busy with my own personal problems that I hadn't heard that you are planning to plead guilty to kidnapping my problem sister, Sami. Please reconsider because you are making a terrible mistake. When you kidnapped her, you were clearly suffering from Sami Brady Derangement Syndrome, a well-known and very common form of temporary insanity. As I know from long experience, Sami can drive even the most sensible people absolutely crazy. (Why else would a smart guy like Rafe ever marry her??) Call me today and your legal troubles will be over.

Belle Black, Esq.

P.S., don't listen to anything Roman and Allie say. They've been around Sami so long that their judgment is totally warped.
 
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Dear Mayor Carver,

I'm sure than many others besides myself are heartily sick of certain men parading around in public without any shirt. They seem to think that they are a true hunk like Xander Kiriakis, but don't even come close. Yesterday, it was that little jerk, Johnny DiMera, jogging around in just his shorts and sneakers. Who wants to look at him?? Can't a local law be passed making such behavior subject to a stiff fine. It's about time some proper decorum be restored to Salem's streets and parks.

Concerned Citizen
 
Mayor Carver....I need to know where to file a complaint. Recently, a visiting relative (who came unannounced, without any notification to my husband & myself) came into the living room, with guests present, only clad in his very, very brief shorts, making no attempt to don a robe, get dressed, etc. He proceeded to munch on snack items, throw some around, ignoring a family member's suggestion to behave. I hesitate to call the Salem P.D., not wanting to cause my husband to get upset, as this man is from his side of the family. I certainly do not want a repeat of this travesty, and it seems this person ignores any semblance of manners, good taste, or morals. I would appreciate any advice or info on where to get a way to prevent this from occurring again. Thank you.

At Wit's End
 
Hey Dr. Rolf -- I hear that you can tamper with people's minds so that they'll be attracted to certain members of the opposite sex. Could you do this for me with the hot Stephanie Johnson? I know that I can win her over eventually, but if things could be speeded up, it would be a big help.

Hoping to hear from you soon,

Alex Kiriakis

P.S., I can pay better than any of those tacky DiMeras.
 
My poor lovesick Alex,

Even I feel your relationship is too close to family for my comfort. I am sorry I must turn down your rekvest to reprogram Ms Johnson, even zoh I am sure I could do it because her father's brain was so easy for me to rearrange, I did it tvice.

Accentedly,

Dr Wilhelm Rolf, PhD in BS Sci
 
To: Wei Shin
From: EJ DiMera
Re; Qualifications to be CEO and Voting Board Members

Recent developments have shown a urgent need to amend the company bylaws so that resurrected DiMeras and the spouses of deceased DiMeras are barred from serving as company employees and as voting members of the board. What kind of confidence would the public have in a company that allows zombies to hold corporate positions or vote at board meetings? Such an arrangement could make the company look like a bad remake of the Night of the Living Dead or Michael Jackson's Thriller. DiMera widows also have no place in corporate management or on the board. DiMera men, including myself and Father, have been notorious for marrying highly unsuitable women. The idea of some of Father's ex-wives or Samantha Gene Brady as DiMera CEO or as voting board members would make the company a laughingstock. I urge you to immediately call a board meeting and make these bylaw changes now while the company still has the respect of the business world and the general public.
 
To: EJ DiMera
From: Wei Shin
Re: RE: Qualifications to be CEO and Voting Board Members

Mr. DiMera,

Per your request, I have met with the board of directors and we have agreed with part of your proposal. Resurrected DiMeras are no longer eligible for voting positions; however, we were unable to convince the board that DiMera widow/ers should be excluded.

Therefore, I have arranged for your shares, Tony's shares, and Stefan's shares to remain with your/their widows. You are also ineligible to hold any proxies as, as you say, a "zombie". This change does not affect Theo's or Steven's share, which is each his own, or Abe's or Sonja's share, which we forgot about but they didn't seem to mind.

As a matter of form, the new voting members of Steven, Anna, Kate, Ava*, Gabi, Sami, Chad, Abe, Theo, Sonja, and Johnny, have voted 8-2 with one abstention to maintain Gabi as CEO. (Peter and Kristen forfeited their shares by faking their deaths, and although this may not be what you intended in your letter, the board felt the distinction was minor. If you have concerns, please discuss them rationally with your sister.)

*Regarding Ava's marriage, we have found that she and Jake were commonlaw spouses as defined by Mr. Santo DiMera in the original company bylaws, so please cease and desist from attempting to overturn her share.

Sincerely, and thankfully,

Mr. Wei Shin
Chairman of the Board
DiMera Enterprises
 
Hey Shin,

Have you lost your marbles? I'm not a zombie. I was never dead. Instead, I was rescued from the brink of death. That's a big difference. Haven't you ever seen any good zombie films?

And why do you insist having these unfit widows on the board? They are only accidental DiMeras who couldn't care less about the good name of the family. (Do you think that tramp Samantha Gene cared about the DiMera reputation when she was wed to me?) And if you're going to include them, you must also include my dear mother, Susan, who intimately knew Father and brought me into the world.

Finally, I must take exception to your policy on common law wives. Illinois does not recognize common law marriages and surely state laws trump
company bylaws.

Angrily, EJ

P.S., teach your kid some common morality. His tacky affair with that cheap Hernandez woman is a blot on the company name!
 
Dear Mr DiMera,

Your prescient grandfather, Santo DiMera, included a codicil in his bylaws for women who were impregnated artificially by men dressed as Elvis, and specifically indicated that no matter how many DiMera heirs they bore, they were never to be considered eligible for voting rights in his beloved company.

Updating my résumé,

Wei Shin
 
Hey Shin,

Here's a little history lesson. Grandfather Santo put that codicil into the bylaws when DiMera wives were totally loyal homebodies. My dear grandmother of sacred memory would never have cheated on him and always had the best interests of the company at heart. In contrast, modern DiMera wives are a pack of unscrupulous cheats. I was betrayed by the faithless Sami Brady who slept with that blockhead Lucas Horton. The back-stabbing Kate Roberts cheated on Father with that corporate criminal, Ian McAllister. More recently, Ava Vitali is an amoral mob princess and Gabriella Hernandez would literally sleep with a frog to get ahead.

Let's get those bylaws changed.

EJ (Father's favorite son and the rightful heir to his empire)
 
Mr Wells - er., Mr. DiMera,

I'm sorry, but you no longer have any right to make any such demands as a "zombie". We have obtained video evidence of your lifeless corpse at the morgue being taken by your sister, Kristen Blake DiMera, in counter to your claims of being "rescued from the brink of death".

Perhaps after your lengthy rehab stay in a disreputable Italian hospital, you have mixed yourself up with your mother's surrogate son, and your former stepson, William Horton, who was once saved from the brink of death and then brainwashed into believing he was EJ DiMera.

Now that your career as a business mogul has ended, might I suggest you head back to race car driving?
 
PS: if race car driving doesn't work out for you, I hear Las Vegas wedding chapels are always looking for officiants.

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Hey Shin,

How could I have been lifeless in the morgue if I'm here now? Try learning some basic biology. As for your absurd theories about who I am, they are beneath contempt. In fact, they are so absurd that I suspect that you belong in Bayview, and I will be proposing such a course of action to the board at the earliest opportunity. As for being a race car driver or Elvis-impersonator, perhaps your feckless, Gabi-loving son could consider these occupations after the pair of you have your behinds kicked to the curb by the board. And if you think that this could never happen, guess gain. Father would never have tolerated your nonsense, and neither will his favorite son who learned about the company at his knee.

Angrily,
EJ (the best DiMera)
 
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Mr. DiMera,

Your bluster doesn't scare me. The board won't hear anything more from you; you signed your own termination papers with your "no zombies" rule. If you can get a DiMera who hasn't faked a death or two, and whom you haven't double crossed, to bring the issue up, we will consider it.

And if you try any more threats against us, I'd like to point out that your grandfather was wise in his choice of international business associates, and that he allied himself with families, like the Shin family, who enjoyed the same type of international business endeavours and the same ruthless... business... practices.

In fact, I have been told many times that when he first joined our organization to form what is now DiMera Enterprises, Santo was initially referred to as "the Italian Ming Shen" by our Russian associate, Nikita Kuznetsova.

But in fairness, I feel I should point out that another DE founder, Sir Henry Wicke-Bowlingame, thought that Santo DiMera was too nice, too weak, and not handsome enough to be compared to my great father. Indeed, my father often thought that Santo was not ruthless enough for the organization, and only accepted the DiMera name for the new venture because it was unknown in the world.

As to your being the best DiMera, I have no opinion, but I might refer you to the writings of B. Mann and C. Weil as interpreted by J. Ingram.

I'll get some tea while you're looking that up, and I look forward to your next missive, which I'm sure will amuse me after my next meal.

Wei Shin
Chairman, DiMera Enterprises

CC: Dmitri Ivanovich Kuznetsova, Moscow
CC: Lord William John Wicke-Bowlingame, Abergele
CC: Arthur Chancellor Rockefeller III, Moultonborough
CC: Eduardo Sicupira, São Paolo
 
LOL, JasonD........so Mann & Weil......great songwriters, ...yep, EJ definitely "lost that lovin' feeling"....& he tried to "blame it on the Bossa Nova".....did not work.
 
Hey Shin, you Sfigato,,

Spare me your fictional history. Everybody knows that Santo was too obsessed with Colleen Brady to have time get involved with all the (fictional?) people you mention. He was also too loyal to La Famiglia to go into business with a bunch of non-Italian barbarians. Viva Italia. You can bluster all you want, but with Stefan O. back, the days of you, your callow son, and that puttana Gabriella Hernandez are numbered.

EJ (the real DiMera)
 
Dear Jada,

It’s come to my attention that babyswitcher Nicole Walker was providing you with a bleak view of motherhood. Don’t believe a word that the lying tramp says. Take it from me, Salem’s best mother, that motherhood is wonderful and need not interfere with a career. Look at me, a successful, affluent career woman who successfully mothered my wonderful children, Will, Allie, Johnny, Sydney, Pip, Tiny Tim, Oliver Twist, Beaver, and Wally. Need advice, call me anytime.

Sami
 
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