Letters to Salemites, Part 3

DrBakerFan said:
Dear Jada,

It’s come to my attention that babyswitcher Nicole Walker was providing you with a bleak view of motherhood. Don’t believe a word that the lying tramp says. Take it from me, Salem’s best mother, that motherhood is wonderful and need not interfere with a career. Look at me, a successful, affluent career woman who successfully mothered my wonderful children, Will, Allie, Johnny, Sydney, Pip, Tiny Tim, Oliver Twist, Beaver, and Wally. Need advice, call me anytime.

Sami
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PS: If you need a babysitter, my fine son Xander loves the little ones and would have a great time watching his new niece or nephew. Or just leave the baby with my Daddy at the pub. If it was good enough for Will, Allie, Johnny, Sydney, Pip, Tiny Tim, Oliver Twist, Beaver, and Wally, then it'll be good enough for your kid.
 
Hey Bad Twin,

The word is that you’ve fathered a child with that foolish Jada woman. What’s that all about? What can you offer a child, tales of being bitten by tsetse flies in Africa or driving drunk and killing Love Doctor Jonas? In the future, do us all a favor and keep your pants zipped. Having children should be reserved for superior people like myself.

Sami

Dear Daddy,

As long as doodyhead Eric is living over the Pub (which is probably forever), don’t rent rooms to women. For some reason, they find washed-up priests with a sob story irresistible.

Love,
Sami
 
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Dear Son,

It has come to my attention that you have been scheming with the unspeakable Dr. Rolf to alter Stefan O. DiMera’s mind so he’d lose interest in that wretched Gabi woman so that you could romance her. How could you disgrace the Shin name in this way? Our goal is to make DiMera Enterprises a legitimate, profitable company, not emulate the worst forms of DiMera family behavior. You must return to Hong Kong at once or I’m cutting off your allowance, which means you’ll be reduced to living on a steady diet of choco puffs and Roman Brady’s clam-free clam chowder.

Angrily,
Father
 
Dear Bishop Wright,

Please reinstate my brother, the former Father Eric, to the priesthood immediately. The sooner he’s removed from the Salem social scene the better. This guy is a walking occasion of sin. He has few social skills, and his relationships with women have been a total disaster. And to put it bluntly, he can’t keep his pants zipped, recently getting a Salem cop pregnant. If he was a priest again, he could be shipped to the Vatican Librarry, where he’d be buried under dusty old books and manuscripts. Believe me, it would make Salem a less sinful place.

Sami Brady
 
Dear Johnny,

I recently learned that you’d gone to Indonesia with a lady friend to question Dr. Rolf. Please don’t go back. I just learned that Indonesia has criminalized sex outside of marriage. It’s bad enough that Eric just spent the night in the Salem jail. I don’t want to hear that you’ve been locked up abroad for violating some local law.

Love,
Grandma Marlena
 
Hey Eric,

I just heard that you’ve slept with a married woman, a clueless cop, and a shyster lawyer in rapid succession. Who do you think you are, me? If so, forget it. To be a successful ladies man a guy needs charm, sex appeal, and a good sense of humor, qualities that you sadly lack. Do yourself and everyone else a favor, use the Brady name to rejoin the priesthood, and then bury yourself in paperwork. Salem’s lovelorn ladies would be much better off.

Alex
 
Xander’s sideline involving appearing as Xandy Claus is off to a promising start.

Dear Xander,

Thanks to my tireless efforts, you now have the following engagements as shirtless/regular Xandy Claus.

Shirtless: Pumping iron with the Salem U. football team, Delta Delta Delta Christmas Fest at Salem U., Salem Gay Men’s Social Club, Salem Ladies Senior Center, Women’s Club of Salem, Club Inferno ladies night, Salem Country Club Matrons Christmas Luncheon, Basic Black Christmas Fashion Show, Anne Milbauer’s Pub Christmas Happy Hour.

Regular: Salem Tiny Tots Day School, St. Luke’s School, University Hospital Children’s Christmas Party, Mayor Abe’s Town Square Kiddie Christmas Bash.

More engagements are pending.

Your hardworking manager,
Leo
 
Dear Victor,

It has come to my attention here in the hereafter that at first you wanted to refuse help to the penniless, homeless grifter Leo Stark even though it was winter. (Have you seen the weather reports for the Upper Mid-West?) May I say that you need an attitude adjustment. When I went out on the Feast of St. Stephen and saw the beggar in the snow, I immediately helped hom. In the future you should emulate me and be more charitable. I understand that this man has been no friend of your family, but you should also follow the admonition to love your enemies.

I’ll be praying for you and all the other sinners of Salem (which will keep me quite busy).

Good King Wenceslaus of Bohemia


Dear St. Wenceslaus,

Thanks for helping my efforts to bring Godly behavior to the sinful city of Salem. Lord knows I need all the help I can get.

Father Louis
 
It hasn’t taken Wei Shin long to react to Li’s wedding fiasco.

Dear Son,

I was so relieved to learn that your marriage to the unspeakable Hernandez woman seems have come to a quick end. The very thought of introducing her to our family here in Hong Kong was making me physically ill. I was also not looking forward to telling my good friend, President Xi, that our family would be the cause of an underhanded, disreputable American woman visiting China. Please honor your family and your country by marrying a more appropriate woman next time.

Sternly,
Father
 
CONFIDENTIAL

To: EJ DiMera
From: Sergio
Re: Milo Harp aka Orpheus

It has come to my attention that Katherine Roberts has died and Dr. Marlena Evans is severely ill because of the schemes of the odious Orpheus. As you must remember, your beloved father and my esteemed employer, Stefano, dearly loved his Katarina and Queen of the Night, and anyone who dared to harm them would not be long for this world. Say the word, and it will be my pleasure to terminate this Harp creature at absolutely no charge.

Sergio
 
Son,

The word is that you have now completely lost your reason because that scheming Hernandez woman has spurned your advances. Are you trying to make the Shin family the laughing stocks of Salem, Hong Kong, and the business world in general? Get your sorry self out of Salem and back to Hong Kong as fast as possible. If you fail to do so, I'll not only cut off your allowance, but will also leave my entire estate to your sister, Wendy!!

Angrily,
Father
 
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To: Commissioner Rafael Hernandez
From: Salem P.D. Human Resources Dept.
Re: Applications

Our application drive is getting good results. Below is information on notable appplicants.

Xander Kiriakis: Has a very sketchy background, but is worth considering. His glower would put a quick end to bar fights and other public disturbances. Also, having an officer who can throw troublemakers all the way to West Salem would be an asset to the department.

Leo Stark: Also has a very sketchy background, but has a creative mind that would help us battle the devious schemers and outright psychopaths who make up Salem’s criminal classes.

Johnny DiMera: He must have not noticed the “no DiMeras” notice in our ad. The last thing we need is a son of EJ DiMera on the force.

Joey Johnson: Another one with a sketchy background, but if he has even a shred of his father’s detective ability, he’d be worth a look.

Harley Vitali: A long lost son of Ava Vitali, but he seems very personable and might work well with applicant Xander Kiriakis.

Eric Brady: A definite no. This ex-priest with a gloomy disposition could ruin department morale in a Salem second.

Stephanie Johnson: A washed-up p.r. person, but who has the looks and charm to pry information out of the most hardened criminals.
 
Dear Sloan,

You should be aware that if you want to project the image of a smart, successful lawyer, you should not be seen dining in a good restaurant on Valentine’s Day with a seedy, semi-employed loser like the former Father Eric, who spends half of his time drinking himself under the nearest available table.

Sincerely,
EJ DiMera, Esq.
 
Dear Will,

Why would you want to move to New Zealand with twerpy Sonny? You’ll end up living in a tacky bungalow in a country that’s in the middle of nowhere. And don’t think that it’s safe. This place has earthquakes, volcanos, and glaciers. You could end up under a collapsed building, buried under volcanic ash like the people in Pompei, or trapped in a crevasse. And the wildlife looks lethal. Have you seen the beaks on those kiwi birds? There’s also that giant moa bird. Sure, they say it’s extinct, but do you really believe it? Do your mother a favor and stay in Salem where the biggest danger is meeting boozy Bad Twin Eric.

Mom
 
Nick gets a job evaluation from his boss, Satan.

Hey Fallon, what’s wrong with you, trying to consign three women who are still alive to the fires of hell? And now I’ve learned that the fuels project that gave you a genius reputation was actually perfected by Max Brady. Anyway, you’re fired as my gatekeeper. Not only that, since you were mentally ill when you committed your worst sins, I’ve arranged to boot you upstairs to the Pearly Gates where you can spend eternity with sanctimonious bores.

Angrily,
Satan
 
From: EJ
To: Stefan, Chad, Tony, and Johnny
Re: Ugly rumors

Certain small minds in Salem are now suggesting that our family was somehow responsible for the apparent deaths of Kate, Marlena, and Kayla. Of course, none of us would have done such a foul deed. In fact, harming Father’s Katerina and Queen of the Night would be an insult to his sacred memory. That said, some sick, fringe member of the family might be responsible. I ask each of you to think about who might be the culprit. If it is a fringe DiMera, I propose exiling him/her to one of Father’s secret islands for a lengthy period of time.
 
From: Tony
To: EJ
Re: RE: Ugly Rumors

Brother,

While I respect your intentions with your witty suggestion about the exile of any potential DiMeras who might wish to do harm to father's beloved Marlena, I find your choice of metaphor particularly unkind in a letter addressed to someone who once suffered that fate.

Please consider our own varied histories when discussing potential punishments for our fringe family members, if you could be so kind. Thank you.

Count Antony
 
Dear Tony,

My deepest apologies for my faux pas. It’s been so long that I’d forgotten Father’s harsh treatment of you. In a similar vein, Lexie’s stint below ground would rule out consigning any culprit to the Salem sewers. As much as I hate to say it, your best path might be turning the wretched perpetrator over to that blockhead Rafael Hernandez and hope for the best.

EJ
 
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