Letters to Salemites, Part 3

Dear Eric,

So after hanging out in my bed, you think that you might want to get a quickie law degree from Salem University School of Law and become an attorney. Here are a few tips that have made me what I am today.

Close your heart to pity.
Legal ethics is for suckers.
Take clients who can pay big bucks, not those with a compelling case.
The law is about winning, not justice.
If you can endure the awful people in Salem, you’ll survive the worst law professors and dumbest judges.
Lawyers who win aren’t brilliant, just good at slinging b/s.

Hope this helps,

Love,
Sloan
 
Dear Ms Peterson,

As you must be aware, your homicidal brother and his clueless female accomplice took a major swan dive into the iconic Salem Inn awning yesterday, damaging it beyond repair. Unless he uses some of the money he’s been spending to torment Paulina and Chanel Price is used to cover all the costs of replacing this beloved local landmark, he will be facing an aggressive civil law suit in addition to the serious criminal charges about to be presented by the carnivorous district attorney.

Yours truly,
Justin Kiriakis, Esq.
(Salem’s best lawyer — he fights harder)
 
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Dear Mr. Shin,

Yesterday, I was forced to degrade myself in an effort to convince father’s, unspeakable, long-missing daughter, Megan, to support me for C.E.O. How much longer must such awful charades to go on. The company bylaws must be changed so that in-laws, Father’s long-lost children, and unqualified grandchildren do not have company shares and a voice in running it. After these changes are made the only people eligible to be CEO would be myself, Tony, and Chad. This would ensure qualified leadership for DiMera Enterprises. Save the company Father built. Change the bylaws today!

Yours truly,

EJ
 
Memo from Roman to Harris.

I understand that Kate has offered you a job at the Pub. To please her I’ll agree, but there are certain rules.

Actually come to work as scheduled. There are no no-show jobs for non-Bradys.
Don’t bore the customers with ISA stories. Nobody cares.
Don’t come to work wearing your undershirt. Wear a real shirt. The sight of your tattoos will make the customers lose their appetites.
Don’t drink on the job. The only drunks allowed at the Pub are the customers.
After work, keep your sampling of our alcoholic beverages to reasonable amounts.
Always remember to recommend EJ chow to the customers. It’s a great moneymaker.
Don’t throw out shyster Sloan. We have to put up with her because she’s Eric’s latest true love.
Don’t extend credit to anyone on our deadbeats list, especially Leo Stark.
 
To: D.A. Melinda Trask
From: Prosecutorial Staff

As you requested, here is a summary of the possible defendants in the DiMera party shooting.

Harris Michaels: Dull, brainless ex-ISA agent. He's obviously the shooter, but might try to plead insanity, claiming that he was hypnotized at the time. He's so clueless that the defense might have a hard time showing that he was insane instead being a dunce with no ethics.

Megan DiMera: She's clearly behind the shooting, but the DiMera wall of silence could protect her. In our favor is the fact that both Elvis and Stefan O. despise her and might be inclined to help us.

Dimitri von Leuschner: This cheap playboy could easily have been in on his mother's plot, but proving it might be problematical. In our favor is the fact that he's now taken up with the unpopular, sleazy journalist Gwen Rizczech. Any jury will hate him.

Li Shin: This guy was clearly a co-conspirator. We just have to get our ducks in a row and he's off to prison.

To conclude, this is our big chance. For years, we have been undone by the inept Salem P.D., but now we have a chance to send away up to four unsavory blights on the local landscape. With good preparation and solid work in the courtroom we could get a clean sweep considering that there isn't a single decent defense attorney in Salem.
 
To: Jerry
From: Days Viewers

Please save us all from the endless missing Abe plot by informing on crazy Nurse Whitely. Don’t worry about incriminating yourself, the gullible Salem P.D. will believe any story you make up. And when you leave town, please take Talia with you.

P.S., if acting hasn’t worked out for you, ask Dr. Trippy how quickly he became a physician.
 
From: Seth Burns, Hospital Administrator
To: Dr. Kayla Johnson
Re: Talia hire

Have you lost your mind, offering Talia, the infamous biscuit bandit, a doctor's position? Are you trying to put us out of business? We've had so much bad publicity already that hiring this lunatic will put us under. This would be worse than having another baby broker, body-parts buyer, or compulsive womanizer on staff or having yet another dead person walk out of our morgue.

Rescind this employment offer now! I'm not kidding!
 
To: Leo Stark aka Lady Whistleblower
From: Black Patch Detective Agency
Re: Konstantin

We have tried and failed to convince Salemites, especially Maggie Kiriakis, that Konstantin is a lowlife grifter who in no way resembles the late, great Victor Kiriakis. Perhaps, your influential column could help. Here are key points to make.

Victor was a distinguished businessman — Konstantin is the washed up proprietor of a Greek greasy spoon.
Victor was a billionaire — Konstantin doesn’t have two drachmas to his name.
Victor was a sophisticated man of learning — Konstantin thinks the earth is flat.
Victor was a man of honor — Konstantin would swindle his own mother.
Victor was an erudite speaker and master of the written word — Konstantin can’t spell cat.
Victor was a gourmet — Konstantin thinks a gyro is the height of culinary achievement.
Victor was a handsome gentleman — Konstantin is a crude vulgarian who looks like an unmade bed.

Feel free to addd any other unfavorable comparisons.

Thanks,

John Black
Steve Johnson
 
Dear Sarah,

I’m sure that you meant well by inviting Johnny and I to use the Horton cabin on Smith Island, but before you offer it to anyone else, you should be aware of what it’s like now. I should have known something was amiss when the ferry operator gave me an odd look when I told him our destination. Once there, we heard the frantic pattering of little feet in the rafters, faint voices saying “get out!,” and the unmistakable sound of firearms being loaded and cocked. We also saw angry raccoons with bared fangs looking down at us from holes in the ceiling. Instead of a night of love, we cowered, terrified, under the covers until dawn when we could flee to the ferry dock. Worst of all, Johnny was so traumatized that when he reached the family mansion, he rushed to hide under his bed and still won’t come out.

Chanel
 
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PS: here's a picture we managed to snap before cowering under the covers:

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Dear Mr. DiMera,

People used to say that I did a terrible job as district attorney, but all day, every day, you make me look better and better. What are you thinking with your handling of the Tate Black case? There isn’t a shred of evidence against him, yet you’re playing games and putting him through the wringer. It’s one thing to toy with some of Salem’s eccentric adults, but this is a teenager we’re talking about. Equally bad is the case involving Xander Kiriakis. The grapevine says there’s no real evidence against him, yet you won’t drop the case. My advice to you is to resign before you’re tossed out on your butt. Finally, I’ve always thought that Chad was a loser and nothing he’s done since joining your bizarre family has caused me to change my mind.

Good luck — you’ll need it,

Charles Woods
 
Now that his case against Tater Tot has collapsed and his prosecution of Xander is on life support, DA EJ issues a press release to demonstrate that his office will show no mercy to serious lawbreakers.

Lindsay Williamson, 26, Salem, charged with littering after throwing her boyfriend’s possessions out the window and into the street. EJ: We must show no mercy to those who would sully the beauty of Salem’s streets.

Albert Adams, 30, Salem, charged with disorderly conduct after drinking a can of Bud Lite in the middle of the Town Square. EJ: Maintaining high standards of conduct on Salem’s streets is one of our highest priorities.

Mildred Franklin, 80, West Salem, charged with illegally feeding wild animals after being observed giving Sweet Bits cookies to raccoons in Salem Park. EJ: Those who would encourage the presence of vicious animals in our community will receive no mercy from this office.
 
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DrBakerFan said:
EJ: Those who would encourage the presence of vicious animals in our community will receive no mercy from this office.
Click to expand...
Anonymous reply: Mind your own business, you boring Brit, lest you find yourself with a midnight visitor. I have it on good authority anybody can just waltz right into the DiMansion, day or night.

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From Superintendent of Schools
To: Salem High Parents
Re: Student Dress Code

My office has received numerous complaints about tasteless and/or immodest attire by female students. Please be aware that we are concerned about this situation, but we currently have more serious issues to address. Thanks to the notoriously low admissions standards at Salem U., many high school students are not getting to school, attending class, taking tests, or writing papers. We have also had to deal with the flood of Clyde Weston’s toxic drugs at the high school. Once these problems are dealt with, I pledge that our female students will soon be the most modestly-dressed in the state.

Learned M. Goode
Superintendent of Schhols
Salem Unified School District
 
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