Letters to Salemites

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DrBakerFan

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Dear Mr. Horton,
Thank you for your application to join the writing staff at the National Enquirer. Unfortunately, writing for Sonix magazine does not come close to qualifying as experience in journalism, and the level of English usage in your writing samples compares unfavorably to compositions done by sixth graders. We suggest that you return to college to finish your degree, enroll in basic courses in spelling and grammar, and if and when you graduate to then seek employment outside the writing field.

Dear Ms. Donovan,
We have received your application to join eHarmony. However, the profile of your ideal guy is such that we suggest that you try the "Creeps R Us" dating website. Good luck.
 
Dear Miss Larson,

Thank you for your interest in volunteering for our campus suicide hotline. But after meeting with you and hearing a bit about your life, we're afraid you'd only depress the callers even more. Feel free to reapply if your life situation changes and you become a bit more cheerful and uplifting (although, we assume you'll be long out of college before that happens).
 
Dear Jennifer Horton,

Again, we must refuse your candidacy for the Salem most perfect and loved citizen of the year. You might think you are perfect, but unfortunately, not everyone agrees with you. Oh, and please tell your friend Eric Brady to stop writing to us also. Neither of you stand a chance for this prestigious award.
 
TheWriter said:
Dear Jennifer Horton,

Again, we must refuse your candidacy for the Salem most perfect and loved citizen of the year. You might think you are perfect, but unfortunately, not everyone agrees with you. Oh, and please tell your friend Eric Brady to stop writing to us also. Neither of you stand a chance for this prestigious award.
Click to expand...
From Sami:

Jennifer, just so you know, I AM Salem's most perfect and loved citizen, even if I'm living in Los Angeles.

PS: Don't forget to pick up a new Arm and Hammer Pro Spin Brush. Maybe if you brushed more, you'd smile more and people would actually like you again. Kisses!
 
Dear Jackson Deveraux, Jr.

It has been noticed, and mentioned that you are deeply troubled over something. You seem to need answers, and to perhaps put your mind at ease. It would be in your best interests to come in and have a talk with me.

Blessings,

For St. Luke's

Father Louis
 
Dear Mr. Weston,
Thank you for your application to join the Salem Chamber of Commerce. We are aware that you are now running what seems to be a trucking company in Salem, but are concerned that you still live in the Salem Inn and your chief assistant appears to reside under a bush in Salem Park. And, unlike the the Salem P.D., we have noted that the vast increase in drug trafficking in our town coincided with your arrival. We suggest that you join with another one of our rejects, Stefano DiMera, and form some sort of association of your own.

Dear Ms. Jonas,
Thank you for your application to join the nursing staff at Northwestern Memorial Hospital here in Chicago. Unfortunately, you indicated that you graduated from Salem University Hospital's "Be a Nurse in a Month" program, which hardly qualifies you for employment here. We might consider you as a volunteer, but the tone of your application suggests that you have the mindset of a three-year-old. We suggest that you remain at University Hospital, which is notorious in the medical field for its lack of professional standards.
 
Dear Ms. Roberts,

Thank you for your application as Salem's Mother of the Year. We've talked to your children, as well as many of your acquaintances and peers. How shall we put this delicately? Hell would freeze over before we'd ever give you such an award.

PS: And don't try to butter us up with your special brownies, either.
 
Dear Dr. Jonas,
We have received your article submission, "Memoirs of an Amorous Physician," to the Journal of the American Medical Association. Please be advised that it is completely unsuitable for our scholarly publication and reflects an incredible lack of professionalism. One can only pity your female patients.

Dear Will,
Your request to audit grammar and spelling classes here at St. Luke's Academy has been passed on to me. Unfortunately, I believe your presence would be distracting to the children and make the teachers afraid that you'll smear them in a Sonix article. I suggest that you purchase a copy of English Spelling and Composition for Dummies online or at the Salem Barnes & Noble.

Best wishes,
Father Louis
 
Dear Paige Larson,

We're sincerely bummed that you've decided to defer and remain at Salem University for the rest of the year. I mean, we respect your choice at all, but who in their right mind would pass up Stanford University, a very prestigious school, for the likes of Salem, a town where nobody is faithful, it's the same day for 3 weeks on end, and the fashions of its residents are stuck in the 70s and 80s? We wish you well, and hope that you change your mind and come to our fine institution come August...but we should remind you--if you plan on sending a doppelgänger here, she'll have to submit a separate application.

Sincerely,
Admissions of Stanford University
 
Dear Ms. Browning,
We have received your entry for a Pulitzer Prize in journalism, which consists of an article about a baseball player written by a William Horton. Members of the Committee had only one reaction: "Is she kidding??" What you sent us was not only not journalism, it was barely literate. We have heard that your publication has just been taken over by DiMera Enterprises. It is our fond hope that it can turn your scurrilous rag into a semblance of a real magazine.

Dear Forest Preserve Bear,
Thank you for the tip that Clyde Weston is running a secret meth lab in the depths of the Salem Forest Preserve. Be assured that we want a drug-free America and hope to get around to checking this out when we are not preoccupied with personal business.

Yours truly,
Roman Brady, Police Commissioner
 
Dear Mr. Stefano DiMera,

We would love to honor your request to find every birth certificate with you listed as the father but our computer has found an overwhelming amount of matches it would be impossible at this point to send them all to you. We suggest you hire someone with nothing but spare time. Possibly Ciara Brady, she is from your area and looking for a hobby.

Regards, World Birth Index
 
Dear Stefano,

I can handle that request in less time than it takes Kate Roberts to put on all of her jewelry every morning. Speaking of jewelry...... if you want all of those birth certificates, it's going to cost you one massive (and unlimited) shopping spree at Baron's jewelry department.

Tootles, Ciara Alice Brady
 
Dear Mr.... uhh...Roman? Is it? Roman,

We're sorry, but at this time, our jibberish-to-English translator system is malfunctioning so we cannot discern what your voice mail says.

The few words we recognize are "Duck" and "What da hell?", which is simply not enough to help us.

If you would please be so kind as to resubmit your query, we might be able to help you. Please remember, enunciation is your friend.

Thank you for your time.
 
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