Letters to Salemites

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Dear Mr. Horton
Thank you for your application to the Salem Spectator, unfortunately, we cannot hire you now [or ever] due to your lack of education and most important, your lack of writing skills. We also suggest that when applying for a job, you might dress the part. Reporters don't wear ugly polo shirts and blue jeans to work. We suggest you go to work with Nicole Walker, since you share the same ethics! [none]
 
Dear Mr. Jennings,
It has come to our attention that you have been having confidential conversations with clients in very public places like the Town Square and assorted clubs where you can easily be overheard by passersby and even members of the Salem P.D. May we remind you that this is highly unprofessional, and casts the bar in a bad light. Even Carrie Reed, one of the worst attorneys ever to "practice" law in Salem had an office. We strongly suggest that you get an office, or at the very least, use a room here at the Bar Association headquarters for consultations. It's bad enough that the Salem P.D. is a joke and half of our judges are on the DiMera payroll. There's no need to add the Salem bar to the list of local law-related laughingstocks.

Yours truly,
Ambue Lance Chayser
President, Salem Bar Association
 
Dear Mr. Jennings,

We regret to inform you that your late-night series of "Aiden the Attorney" ads on Titan TV are in poor taste, misleading, and reflect badly on the legal profession. In particular, we object to the following ads: 1) where you say that you are "one lawyer who's not in Stefano DiMera's pocket"; 2) where a young girl identified as Ciara Brady says that if clients hire you, they'll soon be going on a shopping spree at Baron's; 3) where singing wild animals identifying themselves as the Horton Cabin Raccoon Team and Forest Preserve Bear say that you are "the greatest"; 4) where a State Prison inmate, who identifies himself as Dr. Richard Baker, says that if he'd hired you he never would have been convicted; and 5) where a man of dubious reputation named Clyde Weston says that with you as his attorney, the Salem P.D. will never touch him. Unless you stop running these ads immediately, we will be forced to charge you with violating the Illinois Rules of Professional Conduct.

Yours truly,
Salem Bar Association Ethics Committee
 
Dear Mr. Deveraux,

It has come to my attention that you are considering transferring to San Jose State University. This is a fine school, but when compared us, all the advantages are with Salem U. Salem U. students need not go to class, rarely have to study, and always get good grades. They are also close to family, friends, and Salem employers, meaning that many students have landed exciting, high-paying jobs without ever graduating. Those students who are fond of controlled substances have nothing to fear from the Salem P.D. In addition, in Salem, there is never any severe weather, the flowers bloom in March, and any location is only seconds away from anywhere else. In California, there is always the danger of droughts, smog, wildfires, landslides, earthquakes, and traffic jams. It was even shelled twice by Japanese submarines during World War II, and it's been suggested that the whole state might even fall into the Pacific Ocean! Finally, the San Jose State Spartans were 3-9 last season, while our own fighting Salem U. eleven is looking forward to beating Ohio State and Michigan and getting a major bowl bid. So why watch a loser when you can bask in the reflected glow of our fine athletic program?

Should you have any questions, please feel free to stop by my office.

Dean Deane
Dean of Students
 
Dear Eve,

GO AWAY! I am fed up with you. Leave Jeannie T alone. She is doing better than you and only been a mom for 10 minutes. How DARE you say you did a good job with poor Paige? :rolleyes:

Overhearing lunch patron
 
Dear Ms. Larson

You may not be aware that the walls in your apartment buildings are not made of concrete. Nor are the doors soundproof. So loud voices can be, and are frequently overheard. And when one hears noises, knocking, or voices in the hall, one tends to look through the peephole in the door to see what is causing the commotion.
It really is strange that your daughter's boyfriend has visited for quite some time, when she is not home, and then, another young classmate of your daughter's has been making visits. This one, though, seems to be a rather unsavory one.
I do hope the police do not come around knocking on doors, asking questions, as I would be forced to tell the truth about what I have seen and heard.


Concerned neighbor,
Agatha Crisp
 
Dear Mr. Kiriakis,

It has come to my attention that you are in the habit of answering the door to your room wearing only a towel. While your muscular physique may be pleasing to your female admirers, the sight of your damp, towel-clad self is offensive to many of our guests. There have also been complaints about a frequent woman visitor to your room who habitually wears a blue dress and who displays an unusual amount of cleavage. Some guests suspect that she is a woman of the evening plying her trade. Should this prove to be the case, she will be reported to the Salem P.D. and you will be asked to vacate your room immediately. Your immediate attention to both of these matters will be greatly appreciated.

Yours truly,

N. Keyper
Manager, Salem Inn
 
Dear Mr. Kiriakis,

The walls between our apartments are rather thin and I'm most disturbed by what I overheard today. Some nice-sounding young man agreed to babysit your lovely little daughter, but when your husband, William, arrived there was a terrible ruckus. He loudly and hysterically accused the man of being a husband-stealer, repeated some crazy story about that nice John Black ruining his mother's life (I know who his mother is, so I know that's a real joke), and then called the young man's mother the "w" word. Then, there was some noise, and I gather that the young man was so incensed over this awful slur that he gave your bratty, dirty-mouthed husband (sorry, but he's a real brat) what he deserved. I don't know how William will explain this ugly incident, but I wanted you to know the truth.

Concerned Neighbor
 
Dear Mr. Horton...

Due to the very thin walls between apartments in this building, and doors that are not soundproof, it was extremely disturbing to overhear the loud ruckus in your apartment today. It is hard to believe you said what you did, with your daughter in the very next room, one with equally thin walls, I assume.
For your information, I know your grandmother quite well, and she would be appalled to learn how you dragged her through the mud you attempted to throw at John Black, the man who has always been a loving and supportive step-grandfather to you.
It is common knowledge in the building that you & your husband have been at odds for a while. I trust that you have been honest with him, in what all transpired, as would hate to think you have embraced the negative attributes of your mother, rather than the positive ones of your father.

Concerned neighbor
 
You beat me to it, Concerned neighbor....I was going to write a new topic entitled "Liar, Liar, nose on fire", but that's okay...you said it better than I ever could!! I understand that William is a "writer" and he certainly has a way with words...or should I say "manipulating the truth"?? Shame on him, he deserved that punch...too bad he didn't stick around long enough to defend his actions to Sonny...he really needs to learn just how rotten William is and perhaps that would be the last straw. I believe that his former love is not only true, but truthful and should be heard.
 
Dear Ms. Deveraux,

Thank you for contacting Stanley Steemer about having your living-room rug cleaned. Please be assured that our professionals will certainly be able to remove any stains, which were caused when your son's ex-true love threw a cake with chocolate icing onto it. You will also be pleased to know that our cleaning process will remove any traces of controlled substances remaining from your son's stint as a high-school drug dealer and any body fluids and/or DNA left by trysts your daughter may have had with her many gentlemen admirers, including the late EJ DiMera.

Sincerely,

K.L. Eyner, Manager
Salem Stanley Steemer
 
Dear Ms. Deveraux:

We have lived on this street for years, and were neighbors and friends of Alice & Tom Horton, wonderful, lovely people. Generous, kind, friendly. We have really missed them both. Alice was such a gracious lady, a wonderful neighbor.
We were happy to learn that the house would not be sold, and that a family member would be taking up residence.
However, it is surprising the amount of disturbances, arguments, yelling, unwelcome visitors, etc. that have been apparent since you & your family took up residence. I doubt your grandmother would be happy to see her home abused in this way. Just a thought, but have you considered perhaps going to family counseling? This might help everyone to deal with whoever or whatever seems to be causing difficulties for you all.

Caring friend
 
Dear Mr. Horton,

I usually don't read your rag, Sonix, but because hometown boy, Clyde Weston, was on the cover, I sprang for an issue. All I can say is: "Are you kidding?" Your stupid puff-piece on Ole Clyde hardly resembles the nasty, vicious crook we here in Poplar Bluff know and hate. If you'd been writing in the 1920s and 30s, you'd probably have portrayed Al Capone as a kindly, but misunderstood, Chicago businessman and philanthropist, and John Dillinger as a cheerful, misguided farm boy from Indiana who simply didn't know how to properly withdraw money from a bank. I don't know what you did before starting your so-called writing career, but you should go back to it immediately.

Anonymous, Poplar Bluff, MO
 
Dear Mr. Kiriakis,

It has come to our attention that your nephew, Alexandros "Xander" Cook, is now in the custody of the Salem P.D. Please be advised that he has not yet made payment for his room, purchases from the in-room courtesy bar, his lengthy bar tab, his frequent use of our laundry and dry cleaning service, X-rated movies viewed thru our in-room entertainment system, and daily super-sized "Super Salem" breakfasts. Since Mr. Cook's ability to pay is now in serious question, we trust that you, as the respected head of the Kiriakis family, will make good on his bill. We took a serious loss when Stefano DiMera refused to cover the bill of his daughter, Kristen, the last time she fled Salem, and hope that such a distressing situation will not be repeated.

Repectfully,
N. Keyper
Manager, Salem Inn
 
To: Mr. Burns, Salem University Hospital Chief Administrator
From: All University Hospital Doctors, Nurses, Aides, Professional Administrators, and Custodians
Re: Dr. Daniel Jonas in New Hospital Ads

We strongly object to the use of Dr. Daniel Jonas in the new series of TV, Internet, and print hospital ads. The ads show and mention only him, which denigrates the role of all the other dedicated hospital employees. We also believe that a perpetually-unshaven, disheveled surgeon with a reputation as a ladies man is a poor choice to represent our hospital. The description of him as brilliant is hardly accurate because everyone knows that Dr. Jonas's last "miracle" surgery was years ago and his alleged ability to perform emergency operations with rusty razor blades and Scotch tape is hardly relevant in today's high-tech medical world. Finally, we take serious issue with the description of Dr. Jonas as dedicated, when he is frequently absent to take care of personal business or do the job of the Salem P.D. Accordingly, we strongly urge you to withdraw the Dr. Jonas ads and replace them with something more appropriate.
 
Dear Mr. Brady,

Thank you for your letter expressing interest in joining your twin, Sami, in ads for our Arm & Hammer "Truly Radiant" product line. Unfortunately, the sour tone of your letter and the glum expression on your face in the accompanying photo indicate that you are not right for the position. After viewing our ads, we want people to rush to buy our products, not be so depressed that they want to eat a cow or go out to the garden and eat worms.

Best of luck in your future endeavors,
Armand Hammer IV, Head of Advertising
 
Dear Dr. Jonas,

We regret to inform you that your application for "Salemite of the Year" has been declined. We unfortunately do not accept self-nominations nor do we consider positive commentary from other Salemites as part of our elite selection process. Besides, we find it hard to believe that you are a surgeon, a diagnostician, an internist, a police detective, an adjunct professor, a psychiatrist, a father figure to Salem's fatherless teens, a father to 2 toddlers, a member of one of Salem's finest families and man friend to some of Salem's most eligible bachelorettes as you state in your self-nomination.

That simply isn't possible to be all of those things.

Best of luck,
R. Sickoff Yu
Head of Nominating Committee
 
Dear Ms. Donovan,

Thank you for your letter suggesting your infant son, Tate "Tater Tot" Black, as a spokesperson for Ore-Ida Tater Tots. We agree that your slogan, "Tater Tot would, if Tater Tot could, eat Tater Tots," has a certain degree of catchiness, but we believe that hungry adults and older children are best suited to appear in Ore-Ida Tater Tot ads. We are also find completely irrelevant to our needs your statement that if your baby became a star in our commercials, you would be able to reconnect with the child's father.

Sincerely,
Director of Advertising, H.J. Heinz Co.

Dear Ms. Donovan,

We regret that your quest to have your son named as the spokesperson for Ore-Ida Tater Tots failed, but unfortunately, we cannot help you. No spokesperson is need for Weenie Tots, which are a total fiction. They were a faux food with no nutritional value, which was featured on episodes of Married ... With Children. We are surprised that you didn't know this, but from the tone of your letter, you seem to be totally disconnected with reality.

Yours truly,
Director of Advertising, Sony Pictures Entertainment
 
Dear Ms. Larson,

We have received repeated complaints that you have been hanging around Salem Park with a grim, miserable expression on your face. Please be advised that our city parks are the for enjoyment of one and all and nobody wants their day ruined by the sight of some sourpuss. If we receive any more complaints, I regret to inform you that you will be banned from the parks. Please pass this message along to your mother who always looks like she's going to poison somebody and that perpetually-glum ex-priest Eric Brady. This message applies to them too.

Yours truly,
Pyne Tree, Director, Salem Parks Department
 
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