Letters to Salemites

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Dear Will Horton,
It would not matter if Paul went to the moon to live, for no matter how far away he is, you are still a cheater. If you really love Sonny and want to be with him, you should first admit you are a cheater, ask forgiveness, and spend your days proving your loyalty to Sonny.
Sincerely,
Dayslady

Dear Sonny Kiriakis,
Unless you fit into Will's back pocket or become the subject of his next big story, he won't actually care enough to listen to you. I've enclosed a new pair of shoes. Shoes always make me feel better and I hope your new shoes cheer you up.
Love,
Dayslady

Dear Paul,
It concerns me the way you get around town. Please be a doll and take care of yourself. Oh- and if you want Sonny, just wait around a while. Get to know your dad. Will is Sami's son and bound to mess up again. Be there for Sonny when Will lets him down again.
Sincerely,
Dayslady

Dear John,
Give Marlena a break, will ya? I mean, geez. If she had just straight out told you, she would have betrayed the trust of many. She spent all her time encouraging them to tell you- and they did. So, let go of the "omg, you didn't tell me" grudge and get on with it. Want to show Paul love? Demonstrate it. Teach others what it means to forgive. Marlena was in a position to lose no matter what she did- so y'all just forgive and get on with it. Got it?
Take care,
Dayslady
 
Dear Theresa...

Please for the love of God stop acting like a spoiled brat. You don't need to act this way. You need to believe in your own self worth and if you don't, no one will do it for you. Do you seriously want to act miserable for the rest of your life? Maybe if you try acting nice once in a while, perhaps people can stop being so nasty to you. Try it and see if it works. Just try it. It won't kill you. Also if you're so unhappy try a new activity or hobby. Join a club. Play an instrument. Get an awesome pet you can talk to like a snake. I think finding a sympathetic ear might help you a lot. Or even find a new friend with common interests. That would help too.

I hope this letter finds you well and I wish all the best from you.

Sincerely, BraniacGirl.
 
Dear Daniel,

Newsflash: Contrary to what you think of yourself, you are NOT the greatest thing since sliced bread! GET OVER YOURSELF! And then get a haircut and a shave.

Sincerely,

Nicole, Jennifer, Chloe, Kristen, Chelsea, Kate, Anne, Jeannie T., Eve
 
Dear Ms. Horton,
I think you need to learn to lock your doors. It seems like anyone related to you can walk in whenever they please, and I suspect that you keep some door unlocked at all times. You never know what rabble might walk into your house.
- A Concerned Citizen Who Doesn't Want The Writers To Decide To Have Someone Attacked Inside Tom & Alice's House-

Dear Xander,
For all that you've kept up with Victor's business, how do you *not* know that Nicole is a sort-of ex-wife of his? And why would you want to upset the apple cart by getting involved with her? It's going to hurt you, but it's going to hurt her *more*.
-Someone Who Wants Nicole To Get A Break-
 
Dear Mr Horton,

Thank you for your freelance submission to the Weekly World News Online. Unfortunately the piece you submitted on Paul Narita's paternity does not meet our journalistic standards. We suggest you submit your article to General Mills for inclusion on Children's cereal boxes.

Sincerely,
Bat Boy
 
Dear Grampa Victor

It's come to my attention that you have been keeping tabs on Kristen DiMera. Can you tell me where my daddy is? I know it's probably a secret, but I won't tell. I'm good at keeping secrets from my mommy. If you tell me, I could get you a nice Rolex or some earrings for Maggie from...a source.

Love, Ciara Alice Brady
 
JasonDíSpeech said:
Sincerely,
Bat Boy
Click to expand...
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OMG, I just spit tea on my laptop!!

Bat Boy! How I've missed his face on the news-stands since Weekly World News went under.

:rotfl: :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
 
Dear Ms Roberts,

We were thrilled to receive your letter seeking additional boxes of Blue Dye #3 with streaking kit. However, we have discontinued that product due to a toxic side effect of some ingredients which results in obsessive meddling in other's lives, psychotic rage, and bouts of amnesia. If you have experienced any of these symptoms, please contact our legal department for a consultation.

Respectfully,
Adam Walker, Jr., President and CEO, Blue Boxes Inc.
 
Dear Mrs. Larson,

I know you have gone to bed with your daughter's boyfriend. If you don't want me to show the pictures I have securely tucked away in my pink backpack, I expect you to use your cash settlement from Jennifer Deveraux to buy me some treasures from Barron's (to be named later). If you're willing to do business, meet me in the square with a pink ice cream cone at 3PM this Friday. No cops.

Quietly - for now,
A Salem Tot
 
Dear Mr Black,

Recently, you stated that the Salem Police force was full of DiMera spies. Considering your influential role as the head of a Fortune 500 company, this type of slander can not and will not stand.

I will be vacationing at my estate in Cancun for the next several weeks, followed by a trip for union business to Zurich, and then some work for the department in the Cayman Islands. But rest assured, when I return, the Salem PD will sue you for slander unless we receive a proper apology.

Sincerely,

Det. Sgt. Ernest August
Assistant Steward, Salem Police Benevolent Association
 
Dear John Black
With all the problems of paternity/maternity in Salem and with the problems you have had trying to figure out who you are, why on earth do you believe Paul Norita is your son just because someone says so??? I know the Salem DNA problems with swipes, test altering etc. but to just assume without trying to find out is kinda stupid.
Especially if you're in Salem. That's a fact :wink:

PS: Don't test in Salem or tell anyone you are testing.
 
Dear Dr. Jonas,
We have received complaints from several tenants about you answering the door dressed only in a towel, a practice that they find repulsive. One elderly lady noted that you remind her of her exhibitionistic, self-centered, judgmental, sex-obsessed, scruffy college boyfriend from 1955. We have also received complaints about your visitors, including a shady-looking woman who habitually wears a blue dress and a blonde woman who enters your apartment and then shouts at you. Unless you can remedy these situations, we will have to reconsider you presence in the condominium.

Yours truly,
The Condo Board

Dear Ms. Larson,
Tenants have been complaining about the loud arguments you have been having with a male college student who visits you periodically. From what they have overheard, they fear that something profoundly perverse is taking place in your apartment. Unless you correct this situation, we will be forced to ask the landlord to evict you.

Sincerely,
The Tenant's Association
 
JasonDíSpeech said:
Dear Mr Horton,
Thank you for your freelance submission to the Weekly World News Online. Unfortunately the piece you submitted on Paul Narita's paternity does not meet our journalistic standards. We suggest you submit your article to General Mills for inclusion on Children's cereal boxes.
Sincerely,
Bat Boy
Click to expand...

Dear Ms. Brady,
Why did you send me samples of your son's writing? I haven't had any connection to Hollywood since appearing in the 1986 movie about me. P.S. I read a few of the articles and they stunk worse than the garbage dump where I used to live. Sorry.

Yours truly,
Ratboy

Dear Ms. Brady,
Sorry, I can't help your son, Will, get a job writing for Saturday Night Live. I haven't appeared on the show in years and have no influence. As for his writing samples, it's clear to me that they'd be of no interest to the people at SNL. Might I suggest that they be shredded and used to line hamster and gerbil cages.

Sincerely,
Goat Boy
 
Dear Mr. Black,
I hope you survive your visit to the DiMera castle and can read this. Today, your young friend, Ms. Jonas, hid in the restroom, broke off its handle, punched holes in the life raft, and threw a tantrum until I agreed to her request to return to the Italian airfield to let her off. Unless you can assure me that Ms. Jonas won't be flying on the Kiriakis jet anytime soon, I'll seriously consider reenlisting as a Navy pilot so I can fly bombing runs over Iraq. It's less stressful.

Your pilot,
Lee

Dear Mr. Horton/Ms. Browning,
It has come to my attention that you plan to publish an article about me in Sonix magazine. Please be advised that unless I am portrayed as a good-old boy from the Ozarks who loves his family, gives to charitable causes, is kind to mules and bunny-rabbits, and is the life of any party, I will not bother seeing a lawyer about filing a defamation lawsuit. I have other ways of dealing with those who offend me, if you catch my meaning.

Love,
Clyde Weston
 
Dear Ms. Larson.

Several years ago, an older woman's infatuation with a much younger teen boy resulted in jail time, being he was a minor. While the teen you lust after is not a minor, there are a multitude of problems that will arise, in addition to the ones already in view if you are unable to handle the situation, which has become quite noticeable.
While it might be beneficial to have a talk with Father Louie, it is my feeling that a therapist would be of more help, before additional family members get involved and relations get strained beyond repair.

Sincerely,

Dr. Daniel Jonas
 
Open letter to the women in Salem:
It is time for you to stand on your own two feet, and stop thinking you need one of the Salem "men" to treat you like you can't survive without them! Please take note of the way Ciara interacts with her uncle Roman or Mr. Jennings. This young lady sets the rules and makes sure they are followed!!
Signed
ex women's lib president

Dear Mr. W. Horton
We have decided to name you as the male recipient of the "It is not my fault" award. The stature of a baby sucking it's thumb will be arriving soon.

Sincerely
The Blame someone else committee.


Ms. M. Jonas we have chosen you as the winner of the "Whiny baby " award.
Your silver pacifier will be arriving soon

Sincerely
The Whiny Baby Committee
 
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