Salem Spectator Society Page, Part 3

ANOTHER TOWN SQUARE WEDDING PREDICTABLY ENDS IN DIASASTER

Veteran Salemites who shook their heads over the foolishness of Police Commissioner Eli Grant and Detective Lani Price scheduling their wedding in the Town Square were proven right today when the bride fled the altar in mid-ceremony. The well-attended wedding seemed headed for trouble when Ms. Price interrupted the proceedings to yet again apologize to Ms. Gabriella Hernandez DiMera for the accidental, fatal shooting of her husband, the late, largely unlamented Mr. Stefan O. DiMera. Commissioner Grant then tried to get things back on track by relating his past relationship with Detective Price. It was all for naught, however, as she exclaimed "I can't do this," before fleeing the scene. As taken aback as they were by the bizarre turn of events, most of the wedding guests appeared to quickly regain their composure. As true Salemites, most of them have either witnessed or been part of weddings that have ended in disaster. Compared to weddings that have ended with near-fatal shootings and angry, disruptive outbursts by intruders, today's events were largely par for the course in Salem where persons attempt to marry at their own risk.
 
ONE HIT, ONE MISS AT MORE TOWN SQUARE WEDDINGS

Ignoring the disaster that was the Grant-Price nuptials and other past Town Square wedding fiascos, ex-mayor Jack Deveraux, sleeveless-dress aficionado Ms. Jenny Deveraux, attorney Mr. Justin Kiriakas, and alleged newspaperwoman Ms. Adrienne Kiriakis chose that venue as the site of their impromptu remarriages. To the delight of their son, the unemployed Mr. Jackson "Sonny" Kiriakis, the wedding of his parents went smoothly by Salem standards, but the Deveraux nuptials were a typical Town Square disaster. The event was disrupted by Mr. Deveraux's thoroughly inebriated ex-wife Ms. Eve Deveraux who falsely claimed to be pregnant before beating a hasty retreat after being warned by her former teen lover, Mr. JJ Deveraux, that if she didn't leave, he would toss her into the nearest garbage can. Then, shortly after the wedding ceremony, things took a decided turn for the worse when shocked guests witnessed Ms. Deveraux plunge out of an upper-floor window, which overlooked the Town Square. Ms. Deveraux's current condition is unknown, but many concerned citizens are now demanding that in the interest of good taste and public safety, the City Council must enact a law banning future Town Square weddings.
 
KIRIAKIS THANKSGIVING A RARE SUCCESS

Thanksgiving festivities at the posh Kiriakis mansion defied the naysayers by going surprisingly well. Family patriarch. Mr. Victor Kiriakis, refrained from making snarky remarks about assorted Salemites probably because nobody spoke the names of certain unmentionable women. Dr. Sarah Horton actually controlled her tongue and didn't again tell her mother that she never should have married the allegedly awful Victor. Mr. Jackson "Sonny" Kiriakis did not rebuke his father, faux attorney Justin Kiriakis, for taking up with Dr. Kayla Johnson so soon after his mother's death. He also did not bring up his theory that the deceased Ms. Adrienne Kiriakis was to blame for her own death, not his husband, the currently incarcerated Mr. Will Horton. The newly-minted Titan CEO and former family bad boy, Mr. Xander Kiriakis, was on his best behavior, presumably to impress his true love, Dr. Sarah Horton. Finally, Mr. Brady Black, the former Titan CEO, was reportedly in such a funk over the loss of his job and his failed love life that he barely spoke during dinner. Ms. Maggie Kiriakis was so pleased by the unexpected peace that she served family members a tasty after-dinner snack, her home-baked cookies and tasty lemon bars. Whether such good behavior will last is in doubt, but if it does, Salem's scandalmongers will have to look beyond the Kiriakis mansion for their dose of holiday dirt.
 
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HORTON-KIRIAKIS DIVORCE APPEARS LIKELY

Mr. Jackson "Sonny" Kiriakis and Mr. Will Horton finally appear to be ready to divorce. Mr. Horton has reportedly handed Mr. Kiriakis divorce papers after apparently deciding that his incarceration for the somewhat mysterious death of Mr. Kiriakis's mother, Ms. Adrienne Kiriakis, presents an immovable obstacle to their marital future. Mr. Horton's divorce action appears to mean the end for what was an unusually tumultuous marriage even by Salem standards. Their trouble-plagued union seemed to be suddenly over when Mr. Horton was strangled by Mr. Benjamin Weston, but was revived after Mr. Horton miraculously reappeared, his life having been saved by mad scientist Dr. Wilhelm Rolf. Despite Mr, Kiriakis's professed devotion to his husband, informed sources doubt that he will contest the divorce because he has recently been getting rather cozy with a handsome nanny, Mr. Evan Frears. In the long run, however, knowledgeable Salemites expect that Mr. Kiriakis and Mr. Horton will inevitably give matrimony another try given that their relationship has survived so many ups and downs, including challenges caused by the presence of troublesome third parties, such as hunky former star pitcher Mr. Paul Narita, and the conniving blackmailer Mr. Leo Stark. For future developments in the Will and Sonny saga, be sure to read the Spectator and watch Titan TV.
 
ANOTHER KIRIAKIS DIVORCE

The Kiriakis family, well known for its divorces and failed relationships, added another divorce today as former Titan CEO Mr. Jackson "Sonny" Kiriakis divorced his former true love, hack writer Mr. William Horton. This marks the apparent end of a storybook romance that had even survived Mr. Horton's apparent death at the hands of infamous necktie strangler Mr. Benjamin Weston. The divorce was the result of Mr. Horton's homicide conviction for the highway death of Mr. Kiriakis's mother, the no-show owner of the Spectator, Ms. Adrienne Kiriakis. Courthouse insiders said that the case against Mr. Horton was flimsy at best, but his conviction was assured when his husband's father, bumbling attorney Mr. Justin Kiriakis, handled his case. With only one divorce to his credit, Mr. Kiriakis can't hope to match the number of divorces and failed relationships of his grandfather, Mr. Victor Kiriakis, or his cousin, sometime Titan CEO Mr. Brady Black, but given the relationship realities in Salem, young Mr. Kiriakis can be expected to equal and match other family members in the number of dysfunctional relationships during the coming years.
 
GRANT-DIMERA NUPTIALS SET NEW LOW FOR SALEM WEDDINGS

Disastrous weddings are the rule rather than the exception among Salem's dysfunctional in-crowd, but today's Grant-DiMera wedding had it all. Events started with the usual interruption by an aggrieved party (Ms. Lani Price dressed as a fake nun), followed by endless squawking and recriminations; the infuriated bride, DiMera Enterprises CEO Ms. Gabriella Hernandez, attempting to murder the officiant, Ms. Julie Williams; Ms. Williams's apparently miraculous revival, followed by more angry shouting and gloating; the would-be groom standing around looking dazed and confused; and finally the arrest of the fuming bride by her brother, Detective Rafael Hernandez. According to informed sources, the matrimonial disaster was the climax of Ms. DiMera forcing Ms. Price to dump Mr. Grant at the altar and her subsequent threat to Ms. Williams's life with a diabolical DiMera-made app, which had the power to destroy her newly-implanted heart. By the end of the day, Ms. DiMera and her low-cut hooker-style wedding dress had been hauled off to the Salem jail while Ms. Williams, along with friends and family, had retired to Julie's Place for an appropriate post-wedding-disaster celebration.
 
FARCICAL DIMERA-EVANS "WEDDING" COLLAPSES INTO CHAOS

The bizarre "wedding" of Mr. "Steve-ano" DiMera, the weird Steve Johnson/Stefano DiMera hybrid, and the mind-controlled, already-married Dr. Marlena Evans constituted the strangest matrimonial event ever seen in this city. The ceremony was officiated by the robotized Mr. Chad DiMera and reluctantly attended by Mr. DiMera's children, infamous psychopath Ms. Kristen DiMera and former family outcast Mr. Antony DiMera. The proceedings were marked by repeated outbursts by the guests and angry bluster from the reconstituted elder Mr. DiMera. Remarkably, the odd couple did manage to say their invalid "I dos" before abandoning their guests for the alleged "pleasures" of the wedding chamber. Meanwhile at what passed for a reception, the guests sipped champagne while Mr. Chad DiMera waved around a pistol, made threats, and then shot the late arriving Mr. Brady Black. At the same time, Dr. Evans's husband, Salem coma-king Mr. John Black, interrupted the attempted "consummation" of the marriage by the panting Mr. DiMera. In the ensuing fracas, Dr. Evans smashed a vase over her real husband's head. Sensing problems elsewhere, Mr. DiMera then rushed from the room only to have his reconstructed eye destroyed by a blow from Ms. Anna DiMera's stiletto heel. As the injured so-called groom was unceremoniously hauled off to University Hospital, his plans became completely undone as Dr. Evans and Mr. Chad DiMera both regained their senses. At this time, the future of Mr. Steve-ano DiMera is unknown, but what is certain that today's "wedding" marked a new low in the long, inglorious history of the DiMera family.
 
KIRIAKIS-BRADY NUPTIALS FIZZLE

The wedding today of Titan CEO and one-time bad boy, Mr. Xander Kiriakis, and Dr. Sarah Horton, the loud-mouthed former wife of Dr. Rex Brady and main squeeze of Mr. Eric Brady came to a sudden end today when the bride angrily told her husband-to-be that she couldn't possibly marry him because of his role in the most recent of Salem's babyswitchings, which swapped Rachel Black, the baby of the habitually-clueless Mr. Brady Black and moral monster Ms. Kristen DiMera, for the deceased Mackenzie "Mickey" Horton, the infant child of perpetual sourpuss and failed priest Mr. Eric Brady and Dr. Horton. As the would-be officiant, attorney Mr. Justin Kiriakis, slipped away, Dr. Horton angrily berated her would-be groom, and ignored his decidedly lame explanations (he might have done better by reminding her how good he looks in a towel) before she retreated upstairs for a last night with "Baby Mickey." Salemites who are unsurprised by today's debacle had good reason for their skepticism. It was just the latest in a series of failed Kiriakis mansion weddings, which include the recent Jackson "Sonny" Kiriakis-Leo Stark farce and the shooting of Ms. Melanie Jonas by her mother, Dr. Carly Manning, on the day that was to marry the now long-gone Mr. Philip Kiriakis.
 
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CIARA ALICE BRADY BETROTHED

Former Salem Police Commissioner and recent unwilling host to Princess Gina von Amberg, Ms. Hope Brady has announced the engagement of her daughter, Ms. Ciara Alice Brady, to Mr. Benjamin Weston. Having apparently abandoned her "Blame Ben Weston" for everything campaign, the former commissioner is now eagerly helping her daughter with her wedding plans. The younger Ms. Brady is a sometime employee of the Brady Pub and the Titan Corporation. Mr. Weston who was once Salem's infamous serial strangler, a former death row inmate, and a Bayview honor graduate is currently employed by Jake's Automotive Repairs here in Salem. The future bride is the daughter of the late felonious Detective Beauregard Aurelius Brady and the granddaughter of recent stabbing victim Titan tycoon Victor Kiriakis, and the niece of former police commissioner and current saloon-keeper Mr. Roman "What da Hell" Brady. Mr. Weston is the son of the currently incarcerated Poplar Bluff, MO, crime lord Mr. Clyde Weston and the brother of murder victim and former mental hospital patient, Ms. Jordan Ridgeway (aka Tammy Sue Weston). Despite the high hopes of the engaged couple, less starry-eyed Salemites have their doubts that the wedding will take place, or if it does, whether the couple will actually emerge from the ceremony as man and wife.
 
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GRANT-PRICE NUPTIALS PART II SURVIVES MULTIPLE INTERRUPTIONS
The wedding today of Detectives Eli Grant and Lani Price reached a successful conclusion today amid the faux elegance of Julie's Place, but only after a series of interruptions, which threatened to derail the ceremony. As Salemites will recall, the couple's first attempt at marriage failed when the bride was forced by Ms. Gabi Hernandez to dump Mr. Grant at the altar. The first threat to the new ceremony came when the bride's mother, Ms. Tamara Price, had a fainting spell caused by low blood sugar. Next, the ceremony was interrupted by the unspeakable Ms. Hernandez who arrived to gloat because a typically brainless Salem judge had failed to sentence her to a well-deserved term in the city jail. Before Detective Grant lost his temper and called in some uniformed officers to arrest her, Ms. Hernandez waltzed off to bother other unfortunate Salem citizens. Unfortunately, before the guests -- Mayor Abraham Carver, Ms. Vanessa Grant, and Ms. Julie Williams -- could enjoy the wedding ceremony, the venue was again invaded, this time by the resurrected, revenge-minded Ms. Vivian Alamain, one of the most infamous troublemakers in Salem history, who promptly pulled a gun and threatened to shoot the bride. Fortunately, Detective Rafael Hernandez arrived in time to save the day. Noted psychiatrist, the remarkably patient Dr. Marlena Evans, was then able to bring the ceremony to a successful conclusion. Now that they have successfully wed, the happy couple will continue to reside in Salem where their marriage has to be more uneventful than their trouble-plagued wedding ceremony.
 
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KIRIAKIS-JOHNSON NUPTIALS IMPLODE
The Kiriakis mansion was the scene today of yet another Salem matrimonial debacle, this one involving local attorney Mr. Justin Kiriakis and University Hospital physician Dr. Kayla Johnson. This time, no loud intruders disrupted the wedding and nobody was shot. Instead, the ceremony imploded when Mr. Kiriakis admitted that he knew that Dr. Johnson's unreliable, adventurer ex-husband wanted her back despite repeatedly claiming otherwise. This news sent Dr. Johnson rushing off to Salem Airport, where Mr. Johnson was about leave on an typically-inane ISA assignment. Back at the mansion, Mr. Kiriakis was left all dressed up with nowhere to go, the would-be officiant, newly-ordained Mr. Will Horton lost his chance to perform his first wedding, and Mr. Victor Kiriakis had something new to be grouchy about..
 
BRADY-WALKER WEDDING HIT BY HURRICANE SAMI
The Brady Pub was the scene today of the wedding of sort-of employed ex-priest Mr. Eric Brady and Ms. Nicole Walker the head of the moribund Basic Black fashion company. Unlike many Salem weddings, in this one went smoothly until the time that Mayor Abraham Carver pronounced the happy couple man and wife. At that point, the door flew open and in walked the infamous Salem screecher, Ms. Samantha Brady who was irate because she had not been invited. Things went downhill from there with a heated discussion after Ms. Brady learned that she had not been informed of the pregnancy of her daughter, Ms. Allie Horton. At that point, Mayor Carver and guests Mr. John Black and Mr. Roman Brady wisely fled the Pub with the flower girl, Ms. Holly Jonas. This proved to be a smart move because a food fight then broke out between the bride and Ms. Brady after Ms. Brady's mothering skills were called into question. As the hapless groom tried to restore order, the two women pelted each with pieces of wedding cake. This certainly presented a squalid scene, but those who would characterize it as the worst wedding debacle in Salem history should be reminded that at least nobody was shot.
 
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WESTON-BRADY NUPTIALS SALEM'S MOST EXPLOSIVE YET

The wedding of Mr. Benjamin Weston, Salem's one-time necktie strangler and current auto mechanic and Ms. Ciara Alice Brady, a Titan executive trainee and daughter of ex-police commissioner Ms. Hope Brady and the late breaking-and-entering expert Detective Beauregard Aurelius "Bo" Brady at St. Luke's Church ended in chaos this week as a bomb exploded right after the ceremony concluded. Nobody suffered any serious injuries, but in the wake of the blast, the groom mysteriously vanished. Veteran observers agree that in wedding-day weirdness, this conclusion topped Mr. EJ DiMera being shot off the altar at St. Luke's and Ms. Melanie Jonas being accidentally shot by her own mother. As for possible suspects, such obvious choices as Bayview alumna Claire Brady, and the groom's father, Ozarks crime lord Clyde Weston have been eliminated, suspicions are now focused on Ms. Eve Donovan the ex-wife of former Mayor Jack Deveraux and joke police commissioner whose daughter, Ms. Paige Larson, was strangled by Mr. Weston. If Ms. Donovan was behind the bombing those in the know agree that she'd better hope that she's apprehended by responsible authorities and not by the formidable bride, Ms. Brady.
 
KIRIAKIS HEIR RETURNS TO SALEM

Mr. Philip Kiriakis, the son of Titan mogul Mr. Victor Kiriakis, has returned to Salem after a long hiatus in Chicago. According to informed sources, he returned from the Windy City to assume his alleged birthright, the leadership of Titan. As many recall, Mr. Kiriakis left Salem in a huff after his father interfered with his running of the family corporation once too often. Mr. Kiriakis is also well known for surviving the crash of the Black jet, regrowing his leg, his formerly-shaggy hairstyle, his problematic relationship with Ms. Belle Black, and his vain pursuit of a romantic relationship with ditzy diva Ms. Chloe Lane. Having survived these misadventures, Mr. Kiriakis must now deal with an archrival, the muscular career criminal turned hot-shot business executive, Mr. Xander Kiriakis, and his two devoted cheerleaders. This formidable pair are Ms. Maggie Kiriakis, the spouse of Mr. Victor Kiriakis, and her high-volume daughter, Dr. Sarah Horton, who after failed relationships with her ex-husband, the allegedly dull Dr. Rex Brady, and the fickle ex-priest, Mr. Eric Brady (aka the Fallen Father Eric) decided that Xander was her cat's meow. Business insiders are split on Philip's future prospects, but agree that his leadership has to be better than that provided by Kristen DiMera paramour, Mr. Brady Black, and the autocratic, blackmail-prone Mr. Sonny "Big Boy" Kiriakis.
 
DEVERAUX ANNIVERSARY PARTY COLLAPSES IN FLAMES

The gala anniversary party for Spectator publisher Ms. Jennifer Deveraux and investigative reporter Mr. Jack Deveraux at Julie's Place came to an abrupt end when their daughter, former mental patient Ms. Abigail Deveraux, suddenly announced that she had discovered a letter showing that Mr. Deveraux had shared a night of passion with the alluring, sexually well-traveled Ms. Kate Roberts while Ms. Deveraux was in her year-long coma. Both his spouse and daughter proved to be deaf to Mr. Deveraux's protestations about his both his mental state when he strayed and how sorry he is about his encounter with Ms. Roberts. Both Mr. Deveraux's spouse and daughter then fled the restaurant bringing the celebration to an abrupt end, which left restaurant proprietor Julie Williams with large amounts of uneaten food and undrunk libations. Ms. Williams did not indicate if she would be offering specials to dispose of party leftovers, but those who are interested in a fine, discounted restaurant meal should now contact Ms. Williams.
 
Reply from Sami Brady DiMera: Ha! And they all act like I'M such a pot-stirring trouble maker!

Reply from Marlena Evans: Sami, dear, you really should refrain from commenting on matters that don't concern you.

Reply from Sami: As if! :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
 
BLACK-BRADY NUPIALS TAKE A BIZARRE TURN

The long-awaited remarriage of third-rate attorney Ms. Belle Black and sometime police officer Mr. Shawn Brady ended with the bride's kidnapping and her father facing possible criminal charges. The wedding day took a decidedly wrong turn when former mental patient Ms. Jan Spears, who has long been inexplicably obsessed with Mr. Brady, kidnapped the bride and somehow deposited her in an unconscious condition in the bedroom of her ex-husband, Titan co-CEO and underhanded schemer Mr. Philip Kiriakis. The deranged Ms. Spears then appeared at the wedding venue, the posh townhouse of Dr. Marlena Evans and Mr. John Black, wearing the would-be bride's wedding dress. After revealing her identity, Ms. Spears demanded that Mr. Brady marry her or Ms. Black would die. As the astonished Mr. John Black, Bayview graduate Ms. Claire Brady, and handsome Titan executive trainee Mr. Charlie Dale watched in horror, Dr. Evans "married" Ms. Spears and Mr. Brady in a sham ceremony. Ms. Spears then pressed her luck by proclaiming that she had killed Ms. Black, causing her outraged father to throttle her. As a result, what was meant to be a happy day ended with no wedding, Ms. Spears in University Hospital, and Mr. Black being held at the police station, now apparently at the mercy of the hard-charging barracuda D.A., Ms. Melinda Trask.
 
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