The News According to Sami

Shawn is drinking on the job. I always knew that being married to the annoying Belle would drive him to drink.

Megan flees with Rolf. That repulsive old crone and the senile scientist deserve each other.

Johnny battles Trippy for Wendy. My son can do far better. He needs a girl who’s just like his mother, not the insipid sister of that brainless schemer, Li.

EJ was locked in the wine cellar with Kritter. That’s quite a punishment, but he still needs to do more penance for the grievous sin of abandoning me for no good reason.

EJ seeks hypnotic help from Marlena. Couldn’t Mom have fixed his mind so he’d ditch the stoopid babyswitcher and come back to me?

Harris is cuffed to his hospital bed. It’s official, this dullard is now Salem’s biggest loser.

Abe is still missing and is now presumed dead. Not to be unkind, but who really cares?
 
Nurse Katzenmutter held Abe captive. That foolish woman had no taste In relationships. Dull Abe would have eventually bored her and her stuffed toy cats to death.

Johnny loses the Wendy sweepstakes to Trippy. My son is luckier than he knows. He needs a girl just like me. Foolish Trippy has won the booby prize

EJ appears to be the father of Nicole’s baby. I wouldn’t bet on that. Knowing the babyswitcher, the child’s father could be anyone from the UPS guy to Santa Claus.

Eric is the father of Sloan’s child. So now the Bad Twin is dabbling in illicit sex. How low can he go? By the way, does he hang his rosary beads on the bedpost when he’s busy with Sloan?

Victor has died. I‘m very sorry to hear that. Like myself, he could spot scheming, trampy women like Nicole, Eve, Vivian, old hag Kate, and Carly coming with uncanny accuracy.

Acting mayor Rawlings fires Rafe. What a wretch. If he doesn’t reinstate my Rafe, I’m coming to town to give him the full, no holds barred Sami Brady treatment.

Xander starts a relationship with Chloe. My fine son could do better than the diva, but she is a big step up from that awful, judgmental loudmouth, Sarah. Thank goodness she’s gone back to the boring Rex. Those two deserve each other.
 
OMG, the Bad Twin is now desperate for a baby. Not so long whe wanted to be a priest. Why didn’t the big dummy join the Greek Orthodox Church where he could have had both?

My instincts say that this Konstantin is a fake. I’ll even bet that he’s really Turkish or Bulgarian, not Greek.

My fine son, Xander, deserves full custody of my grandchild. Sloan better bury that witch, Sarah, in court.

”Sweetness” certainly looks like a fool. Imagine being outsmarted by the likes of Leo and Dimitri.

Foolish Gabi and stoopid Stefan better quit plotting against my EJ. He can spot cheap grifters coming from a mile away.

Can you imagine dumb Belle getting so excited over Shawn cheating? She ought to be glad that she has a husband who’s attractive to other women.

I hope my Rafe didn’t make a mistake by hiring that stoopid lump. Harris, for the Salem P.D. The average IQ of his cops was already dangerously low.

OMG, Edmund Crumb turned out to be a real creep. Those Brits certainly produce some of the weirdest criminals.
 
Eric may have adopted Nicole’s stolen baby. Only a total doodyhead like the Bad Twin would get involved with something like this.

EJ becomes D.A. You’d think that smoochy-moochy could do better than this with his Oxford law degree.

Holly schemes to break up Johnny and Chanel. What’s going on? I didn’t raise that kid to be a cheap schemer.

Johnny and Chanel become a couple. My fine boy can do better than a common cookie-baker.

John and Steve try to save Maggie from grifter Konstantin. It’s a good thing Patch is on the job. With only the stoopid life-ruiner, poor Maggie would be plucked like a chicken.

Rafe arrests Leo and is after Dimitri. Why can’t my Rafe chase some real criminals instead of the nice boys?

Paulina is now mayor. OMG, Salem is really going to the dogs. Benchie would have been a far better choice.
 
Tate is in jail: It’s no wonder that Tater Tot is in the slammer. Gwennie T. is a BAD mother. P.S., her expensive coat is ugly.

Holly is in a coma. There’s no mystery here folks. With the baby switcher for a mother, this kid was sure to become a delinquent.

Eric now lives with Sloan: The conclusion here is that shyster lawyers have no taste in men.

Konstantin ignores John and Steve’s demand to leave town: These two has-beens should give it up. In contrast, my manly Rafe would have the Greek grifter on the road to Athens in a Salem second. By the way, when will doodyhead John go into another coma?

Lucas will help Harris. That’s my Lucas — a true Salem hero. Surely, my Will will be very proud of his dad.

Everett seemingly has won the battle for Stephanie’s heart. Strange things are happening. First EJ became DA and now a nerd has beaten the current Salem stud in the game of love. Go figure.

Trippy bails on going to China. Good move. As Caroline might have said, why go to China when you can have Wanchai Ferry at the Pub.
 
I just learned that my fine son, Little Johnny, has married the cookie-baking daughter of the empty-headed, loud-mouthed mayor and nobody told me ahead of time!! What gives? How tacky! I’m his mother— the best mother in Salem! And couldn’t my fine son done better? Surely, my boy deserves more than some airhead who spends her days slathered with cookie dough and powdered sugar. And where was smoochy-moochy during all this? Was he so busy playing district attorney that he wasn’t looking out for our boy!? What a disgrace of a father he is. And where was Dad? Is he now so tied up canoodling with that old hag, Kate, that he couldn’t save Johnny from his own bad judgment!? My only consolation is that this sham marriage will crash and burn like so many others in Salem. By the way, is the Bad Twin still married to that scheming shyster? What a joke — that woman is about as motherly as Dr. Rolf.
 
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Tate lands in the halfway house. No surprise here. Bad things happen to those who associate with the daughter of a baby-switching tramp.

Sloan tires of motherhood. What a wretch not to appreciate the joys of motherhood. It’s too bad that she can’t dump her child at the Pub the way I used to do with mine.

Ghost Lexie appears. Big deal. Wake me when Ghost Tek appears to tell the story of his sordid affair with Abe’s wife.

EJ is convinced of the guilt of Tate and Xander. Poor smoochy-mooochy. Without me around to prop him up, his lack of intelligence is sure to be exposed.

John is convinced of his guilt in Katarina’s death. The life-ruiner is so dull and predictable. He ought to do everyone a favor and go back in a coma.

Konstantin continues to live in the K-Mansion: You’d think being married to Victor would have made Maggie smarter. She really needs to dump the slimy grifter.

Kritter is still trying to reunite with Brady. Pity poor Brady. Having John Black for a father did nothing for his IQ.

Jada is still furious with Everett/Bobby. So he dumped her — big deal. How would she liked it if he tried to murder her like Aiden the lawyer did with Old Granny Hope?
 
Eric and Sloan fight over money: A semi-employed loser like the Bad Twin has some nerve complaining about how his wife spends her money.

Konstantin plans to turn John into the Pawn: What a bore. I’d have thought that the Pawn nonsense has an expiration date. Poor Mom.

Maggie plans to wed Konstantin: Salem’s had some bad weddings over the years, but this one is the absolute pits.

Everett agrees to divorce Jada: The Nick Fallon lookalike seems to be just as weird as Nick himself.

Paulina checks out of the hospital and hijacks a snowplow. And she’s the mayor? Amnesiac Abe should take over ASAP.

The Johnny-Chanel cabin tryst ends in disaster: Why can’t the little twerp take his wife to a decent place? The cabin is only suitable for perverse events like Daniel Jonas love-ins.

Holly admits that the drugs she overdosed on were hers. And she was going to let Tater Tot take the rap. The little hussy has no character. She’s a true daughter of babyswitching Nicole.

Stefan and Kritter plot to take over DiMera: My smoochy-moochy will crush these two like the cockroaches they are.
 
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